Bipolar Depression

i have just recently married my husband who i'm sure is bipolar. he refuses to see anyone or get diagnosed, let alone take meds. i have been with him for 3 years, married for 3 months, and have already seen him through many highs and lows. i have suffered through them myself. since he won't see anyone, not even a couple's counselor, i can't say for sure what he has. i'm not a doctor. but i can positively tell you that all the symptoms match right up to what everyone talks about on this forum. the crazy highs, and grandiose gestures, spending sprees, acting like he can change the world, etc. and then very depressive lows where he pushes me away, tells me that there is something missing in our love and he can't live the rest of his life with me. we broke up for a few months last year because he said he had issues he needed to figure out and he couldn't have me there with him while he did that. we were living together at the time and i had to move out and get on my feet. i happened to be in a really vulnerable position because i just graduated from graduate school and was still looking for a job. i turned to my family and friends for support and got on my feet. got a job, an apartment, got my life on track, all while enduring the heartache of missing him. then he came back around desperate to be together, told me that he cleared his mind and his past (ex girlfriends, etc.) and wanted to marry me. he realized i was right about everything and i was the only person in the world he wanted to be with, etc. i took him back on the basis that certain things would change and that we would go to counseling to prevent this same thing from happening again. we got back together and he really did seem like a changed person. we got engaged, got married, and we were both doing well for about a year. it was a whole year of an "up" period. i thought things has permanently changed and was happy. we never went to counseling because he convinced me he was "better" and didn't need it. it wasn't as easy as all that, but this post is becoming long enough already. he got a job offer in europe and i left my family, my friends and my excellent new job to come to europe to be with him. he promised me a life together and that we could afford for me to take some time for me to find a new job here. that's when things changed again. same time of year, and i'm in the same vulnerable position i was in before. seems like as soon as things get tough for me, he starts to hit a low. i don't know if it makes him feel like he can't fix the world, or he can't provide for me, or what. i was having a hard time adjusting to the new culture and i was in a slight depression myself, just missing my family and having a hard time finding a job. i needed his support. i got it for about 1 week before he just shut down completely. he told me to go back to new york and that he just doesn't love me enough to be with me. i reacted emotionally, we talked intellectually about what he was feeling and about how maybe this was part of his "patterns" as we call them. but the rejection and hurtful things he says were just too much for me to handle and i cried and took it all personally. he says that we are missing some "romantic" love, but just a few weeks ago he was showering me with attention and gratitude and love. He was telling me to take my time finding the right job and even to take the summer off to enjoy europe and start looking in the fall. Like an "off" switch, he is a different person. He will not speak to me, or hug me. We are sleeping in separate rooms. He says he sees women on the street who he can give his love to but he is incapable of giving it to me. He tells me he only married me to do the "right thing". But in tender moments he tells me he is suffocating and feels like he has a brick on his chest. He loves me and cares for me but there is something missing and he doesn't want to live his life that way. He says he's just being honest. That I should go back to New York. But none of what he says is rational when I think about the whole past year of happiness and love we shared. He is completely shut down to me, has started smoking again, is neglecting our dog and household chores, is obsessed with his work, internet porn, and looks at me like all I do is bother him. He has a history of self mutilation, was diagnosed with ADHD as a child (but i think he was misdiagnosed), and has a history of mental illness in his family. His grandmother was schizophrenic and it broke up their family. He has been bankrupt two times over and is delusional about finances. He ran away from home as a young man, but fortunately his loving family always received him back with open arms. Their only fault was enabling him to be so undependable and irresponsible his whole life. He also had a phase of two years where he was a body builder and took a ton of steroids, which as caused him to have glandular problems. He is an amazing artist and designer and all of this fuels his work. He doesn't want medication because he is afraid that it will change his personality and his work. My friends have told me that I sacrifice too much of myself when I am with him. My family and friends are always supportive of my decisions no matter what I do, but there is a point when you want to stop seeing someone you love getting hurt this way. When I am with him in his "normal" state, he is loving and supportive and acts like he wants to help me succeed. But I am starting to see that his actions prove otherwise because I am in a bad situation again. At first I told him I was staying here because this is my home too and I'm tired of feeling unstable, and that we should work on our marriage, because we JUST got married. He loved me two weeks ago and it's not rational that he doesn't love me now, or doesn't want to be with me now. I tried being supportive even though what he said was hurtful towards me, but he still shuts me out. I am going to NY to be with my family for some love and support. I don't know what will happen next.

I love him so much and I know he is going to get through this down period. I don't know when but I have a very strong feeling, based on experience with him, that he will be coming back to me apologizing and loving me more than ever again. I don't know how I'll ever feel secure with him, or ever feel that his love is real, but he can also be VERY convincing. I don't know what to do. Does ANYONE out there have any advice? The more I hear myself explain the situation, the more I see that maybe I should save myself now before we have children and mortgages, etc. It's already hard with just a dog and moving to another country! I am willing to work hard at my relationship but I'm tired of it only working for him and not me. I need him to work too and I need to be able to count on him in times of need instead of abandoning me.

Does anyone have any advice to offer?

Hi there,

It sounds like this man has put you through hell. He may have another personality disorder mixed in with his BP - - NPD "Narcissistic Personality Disorder". His behavior sounds like textbook BP, but the way he plays ping-pong with your emotions is pure narcissism.

The year where all was going well sounds like he was experiencing BP mania and then he crashed into a depression. YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM - HE HAS TO WANT TO CHANGE HIMSELF! He needs to be diagnosed by an MD and get himself on some meds to deal with his brain chemistry. He has done this to you TWICE now - just how much more are you gonna take? He's leaving you "high and dry" in a FOREIGN COUNTRY!! Is this the type of man you can trust with the rest of your life??

I've been on other BP boards and read stories that all sound like yours. One woman on another board had her husband leave her while she was pregnant with their 5th child! And, he did this to her a couple of months after giving her a huge diamond ring for a major anniversary and was overcome with emotion. Then he came back and then he left again. He's having affairs with others. She gave birth by herself and is planning on divorce. They have been together since high school. He had his first manic episode when he was around 30 years old. She feels that BP gets worse with age if left untreated and I read that this is called the "kindling" effect. You can look it up using Google.

There are more stories on this same board under the "friends and loved ones" section - read them. You will find mine there as well. I was lucky. My experience only lasted 2-1/2 months - while my guy was hypomanic and buying me presents, telling me that I was the missing half he had been looking for all hi life, and having me look at house for us to live in in his state (yeah, he convinced me to move to another state to be with him). He smoked, didn't really eat or sleep and was addicted to caffeinated energy drinks as well as coffee. Compulsive spending, too. Bought $375.00 worth of porn when he was having trouble paying child support! He ran around like a nutcase and got very involved with religious congregation meetings to the detriment of his relationship with his kids. Then, one day, when I was uncovering some deception on his part and confronting him with it, he just literally disappeared from my life. Just said he "needed his space" and never spoke to me again. No discussion, no conversation, no explanation. From madly in love with me to JUST GONE! Like he turned off a "switch"! All his declarations of love and reassurance that he wasn't full of sh*t, plans for the future, engagement ring shopping, etc. just went up into smoke! He never told me he was BP, but from what he told me of his brother, I think his brother had a bad case of BP-I, my guy was BP-II (only hypomanic and not too depressed, just gets very quiet and moody - I saw the beginnings of it). Anyway, I never heard from him again and he manufactured believable lies about me to justify his dumping me (and my friend who fixed me up with him believed HIM!).

If you chose to go forward with his man and he agrees to get into treatment and on meds, just be aware that he can go off them at any time and do this to you over and over again. You sound relatively young. Do you really want to chance your future with this man? He has already demonstrated that he can do this to you more than once. So exactly what is his "word" worth? What promise will he renege on next? The fact that he can have no empathy or regard for your feelings - no compunction at all - is what makes me believe that he is a narcissist as well, and that aspect of his personality will NOT change with the BP meds. From what I have read in the literature, narcissists rarely change. They seem very convincing, but have shallow emotions and are not really capable of real, deep love for another human being. They view others as pawns to serve whatever needs they have at the time (ego, prestige, power, sex, money, etc.). Once they perceive you are of little use to them, they move on to the next. Something to think about. I've read where people lost 20 years or more of their lives dealing with this type of person. Don't let that happen to you. Plus, I read on here that something like 90% of marriages where one or both of the partners are BP end in divorce - a very sobering statistic!

Good luck to you whatever you decide.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: chattycathy,

chattycathy, thank you for your response. the more i talk about my problem the more i hear the same advice. i think you're right. as much as it hurts i will have to start over and save myself. it's going to be a long tough road, but not as long and tough as hanging around for more abuse.