Bipolar Depression

I'm new here, new to the whole world of BP. My husband is exhibiting signs of bp and although he's not yet been dianosed, he's in a severe, ugly manic episode. He cannot stand me. He cant stand to talk or look at me, and there is no affection. He's been talking to someone who suffers from bp, a woman. Now he says he thinks he wants to be with her because she understands and I dont (because I do not have the illness). He is angry all the time, except for about five minutes out of the day when he will break down and ask me not to give up on him. Last night he became so vile that I was going to take myself out of the situation for a little while. He exploded and made me sit down while he drew up divorce papers. I managed to talk him out of that, but....and he screams he doesnt want to go back to the doctor. I try and try to explain to him that what he says and does is not his fault, but that there is hope and there is treatment. There is just no reasoning with him. I love him, God knows I do, but I now have to take Cymbalta and Xanax just to manage a few hours around him. Can someone who's been through this please help?

My wife avoided diagnosis for years, and I think she knew all along. She is on day two of medication. Our 20-year history has been a rollercoaster, but got wilder exponentially. The breaking point was a reckless lesbian affair, while providing me with alternating doses of verbal and physical abuse. We have children to consider, or I would be long gone by now. I spent years making excuses for her sudden hostile episodes. When she was depressed, she needed my attention. But occasionally there were sleepless nights spent trying to keep her from hurting herself or getting in trouble. She would tear me down verbally and hit me in the face. The next day she would claim not to remember most of it. When depressed she seemed rational, but when living on a "high" she thinks and acts as if no one else is of concern. Her world is all about her. When she started a new job she began to act as if she had not obligation to me, our children, or our marriage. This all began at the first of the year. It's been nine months of depression and hell for me. She did all the lying and cheating that goes with any affair, but added a healthy dose of mental abuse. I could see she needed a doctor, but she only saw her version of reality and insisted she was acting on normal thoughts and desires. I took a three-month, career-damaging leave from work and endured the worst time of my life. Eventually, the lover went back to her previous relationship and she came back to me, but can't fully accept responsibility. She still acts like the world revolves around her. I'm in counseling now, and have been urged to divorce. If I stay I feel beaten and like my life and future are robbed, if I go I give up on what I've accomplished personally so far, and most importantly put the kids in a position they don't deserve. I can't keep it all together.
I'm not intending to depress you or dump on you, but I wanted to let you know you are not alone. I am like you--I need help and I don't know what's next.

Its like daylight and dark, like someone flipped a switch isnt it? You're right, we dont deserve this, but one thing to consider is they dont deserve this illness either. I fully belive that he doesnt know some of the things he says because literally, one minute we're talking about the beautiful sunset, and the next minutes he's cursing and ranting and raving about everything and nothing. We are victims too. It seems like they are nice to everyone but us doesnt it? My aunt has suffered with BP for as long as I have been alive and she's been able to shed some light on his actions for me, and my saving grace (for lack of a better word) is reading story after story that is a carbon copy of what we are going through. He told me the other night that I was in the line of fire and I was getting on his last nerve because i was trying to help him. Doesnt make sense does it? but he says that i dont understand what's going on in his head because he doesnt. and he's right, I dont, but we are the ones closest to them so we are the ones that hurt the most, besides them of course. You're not depressing or dumping on me because i know how you feel. i felt like i was alone. my husband didnt want me to touch, talk, or even look at him. he was so angry at me for making him another doctors appointment. he was ready to walk out the door and told me he was leaving and not coming back. but that passed and he did go to the doctor. he was in denial, embarrassed at the possibility that he had a "weakness" as he called it inside of him. I assured him that it was just like any other disease....and it wasnt anyone's fault. If you wife doesnt see that she needs help, then there is nothing that you can do short of what I did...and that was to tell him if he didnt seek help that i couldnt stay. i was worried because he's threated divorce so many times lately...but a very nice and informative person posted something for me and he said that i was caught up in his torrent and that i needed to step out and find the clarity i needed to get answers...and that one of us was going to have to take the steps to be healthy...and it might have to be me. support her...love her...and love her enough to get her help. You might also need to seek counseling or medication yourself. Mine is helping me tremendously! dont beat youself up because you "cant hold it all together." this is not something that we can do by ourselves and you're right, its too much to handle sometimes. remember to take care of yourself first, and then you will be able to take care of anything else that comes along. You are not alone and I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this. We can only be so strong, and then we break...but you know what? thats ok, we are permitted. love can take us a long way, but it doesnt cure everything. you're wife has to take responsibilty for her getting better, its not all on your shoulders. encourage her, but let her know that you and your children are not going to take the abuse anymore. God speed

I feel better knowing there are really others out there who can understand what I've been dealing with. This year's events have been devastating on me personally, and on my marriage. But, at least things are now broken enough to finally change. No more trying to pretend things are normal.
I also have been dealing with my mother. Her self-centered and unstable actions have grown increasingly worse. She came to visit during the worst of my marriage problems. I wasn't going to tell her all the details, but looked forward to some support. Instead, she went on the attack and had a fit. In the midst of her fit she mentioned she'd been in counseling again and felt good enough to leave her meds at home. Now that my wife has been diagnosed I suddenly understand what's been going on with both of them. Lots of questions from childhood are answered. Lots of questions from my 20-year relationship are answered. Now I'm figuring out what to do with what I now know. I'm very isolated--no family or friends to go to. (I'll spare you the details). Meds may be a good tool for me, too, but I also need to look at some big changes in my life to survive.
Hearing your story and your thoughts is very, very helpful. Thanks for sharing, and for the encouragement. I know if you take care of yourself you'll be OK. I believe if I start taking care of myself I'll be OK, too.

When the diagnosis comes it starts to put all of the years of hateful comments, the screaming and yelling for no reason at all, etc., into perspective doesnt it? And even though they still may not be able to see it (because it sounds like your wife and mother are like my husband in that they tend to lean toward the manic side), it seems to help in a strange sort of way...because at least now we know that we didnt do anything wrong. For years I thought that it was me, that i wasnt doing something good enough, so I cleaned the house better, I tried to fix myself up better, i did this and did that, but nothing helped. Granted, knowing what the problem is sure doesnt help our feelings any does it? Whatever the case is, you need to take care of yourself and make yourself feel better so that you can be healthy for your children and for yourself. I'm so sorry that you are isolated...i have the benefit of my mom and aunt being close by for me, but please know that you are not alone. I know that you dont know me, but in some way you do, and i know you because of our situations. we sit and cry and wonder where they are when then take off. we are the ones who bear the brunt of the rage. we are the ones that hold them and tell them its going to be OK during a depression episode. things do get better, too many people are successfully treated for me to think otherwise. He's taking the depakote now along with the welbutrin. we still have good and bad days....but we've just got to give it time. if you're inclined, talk to your clergy if for no other reason but just to vent to someone and get it off your chest. cry if you need to, scream if you need to, its ok to be angry at this disease! i normally check here daily, and i'll do my best to "talk" with you. take care and godspeed. hang in there. this is not your fault.

Oh, yes a the diagnosis puts a lot of things in perspective. The timing of my mother's recent rare visit (with manic rage and mention of meds) was an irony. It's like I've been stumbling in the dark and someone suddenly turned on the light.
I've spent so much of my life trying to feel good enough. My counsellor says my life and my needs have been overshadowed by the drama of two bipolar people and a group of selfish family members. I have career pressures to sort out, two teens, bills, family problems. It is so nice to have your encouragement.
May I ask if you've had to deal with the issue of physical abuse?
What about the concept of setting boundaries? Have you been able to establish your limits and stick with it?
No matter what is going on with my wife, I feel like everything is always about her. Do you deal with selfishness, or with the feeling your needs are lost in the drama?
Thanks for your support and encouragement.

I know what you mean about trying to feel "good enough." Just when I think we're having a good day then WHAMO...here comes another mood swing. I spend most of my time with a knot in the pit of my stomach wondering what else is going to happen next. He's not physically abusive and thats a good thing because he's a really big guy and could do some damage, but he's not inclined to be that way. Its just the verbal attacks that get me down. I know he cant help it and he honestly doesnt remember what he says when he does it. The other day we were driving back from the store and he started mumbling under his breath about everything and nothing, and then he turned and looked at me and said "why do you want to be with me?" I told him because i loved him unconditionally. I asked him if he knew what he had said the last time we went to the doctor. He said no. The doctor asked him what his "biggest issue" was. He told the doctor that he couldnt say because i was sitting in the room. Yes, that hurt my feelings, but he was just so angry with me for "making" him go back to the doctor. I told him that i wasnt going to tell him what he had said to me. He kept on til I did. He told me basically that he hated me for making him go to the f'ing doctor because they didnt do any good. That i kept on pushing and pushing him and he was leaving and not coming back. I could tell that he was genuinely hurt that he had said that and for the first time in a month and two weeks..he apologized to me. He looked me right in the eyes and said "im sorry, i really do love you. Thank you for not giving up on me."

I know what you mean about teens and bills and family problems because unfortunatly, life does go on outside the illness. My job only affords half of our bills and because he lost his job, the burden has doubled. Our teen has her own set of "problems," i.e., friends, school, boys, etc. Sometimes it feels like its more than i can handle, but i try not to let him know some of the stress because he doesnt need it right now, not til the meds stablize the mood swings.

i too feel guilty about being needy. I now have the "shakes" every morning when I get up and i normally get them around mid afternoon. I take my meds and they go away. I cant eat; i've lost 26 pounds this past month. Not to say i didnt need to loose it, but what a way to diet! I guess i am lost in the drama because you are right, its all about them right now. I've had to run out of work early twice and had to miss a few days. It puts a strain on the already small income. I'm lonely, I'm hurt, and i know you are too. But i think its OK for us to be well and we shouldnt feel guilty about having our needs too because we are human too.

I've set boundries. I told him that i will listen as long as he wanted to talk or even rant. but when he starts to verbally attack me i leave the room. I tell him that i love him and will be his support, but i will not let him do that to me. its hard, and i've had to leave a few times until the mood subsides, but i have to do it, and so will you. This is a treatable illness, but it doesnt mean that we are doormats or whipping poles. Take care of yourself. Godspeed

I don't know where to start. First, I guess, I'll say it's a relief to hear your viewpoint because I don't feel so alone.

On the other hand, I wouldn't wish what I've been living through on anyone. I'm trying to take inventory of all the emotions that have me crying.

I'm so genuinely sorry for your pain, your frustration, for your anxiety and fear. I understand so fully. I've lost weight, too. I was 155-165...or more. This year I'm wearing a new wardrobe at 135-138 depending on the day (5'9"). I just can't feel like eating regularly. If I eat much at all I feel sick. I think it's a combination of nerves and a desire to exercise contol over my life.

We've been faced with impossible choices. I'm forced to choose between protecting myself and protecting my children--with the complication that protecting the status quo may not really be best for them at all. That makes me feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world. We're choosing how to cope with situations that hurt us on the deepest personal level, without the freedom to simply blame it all on the actions of an intentional villian.

I want to be the perfect spouse and just blame it all on the illness. Put it all away in a tidy, convenient fashion. But reality demands I take responsibility for making decisions that seem impossible to make. Like how to respond to heartbreaking reckless actions and cruel rejection. How to protect us all financially, or at least sustain--maintain. How to keep from going to pieces when I'm trying to lead others? How to rebuild myself when there is so much damage? How to sooth a family torn by an invisible destructive force?

My counsellor wants me to hold her accountable for selfish, mean actions. I think the verbal and physical attacks don't earn many brownie points. I have drawn the line with my mother, but it's a big commitment to draw the big, indellible line with my wife. Somehow I have to exist, too. (My screen name is not random...I have been "less than".

I can relate to the damage you must feel from the harsh statements. In the midst of an affair she looked me in the face and lied without effort, then put a supreme effort into verbally destroying me. It was if making me hate her wouldn't be sufficient--I needed to hate myself, too. I can't comprehend the need for the vigorous cruelty.

I'm struggling with deciding how much I can survive. Yesterday I was advised to see a psychiatrist for an anti-depressant perscription. I am trying to be strong, but I feel ashamed and weak.

The good news is that her meds seem to be helping. Movement in a positive direction. Better than anything so far.

Thank you for opening up and sharing your struggles with me. I don't feel so alone. I'll say a prayer for us all tonight.

I know what you mean about feeling alone, but in an almost twisted nice way, it feels good to know that our suffering is not in vain or unwarranted. And you are right, I dont wish all of the emotions and pain on anyone else. And yes, the sick feeling, the twisted knot that sits at the pit of my stomach and the weight that sits on my chest and makes it hard to breath determins when or if I eat during the coruse of the day.

Yes, we have been faced with some extremely hard choices. On the one hand all we can think about is the hurt that our loved one...the one that we love the most... is causing this hurt. Then on the other hand, we know that they cannot control the outbursts, and then they either don't remember what was said, or they feel so ashamed and guilty that its almost unbearable for them. And you are right, it would be nice just to blame someone. If it were just our SO being mean, then we could actively do something about it...but its not. The illness is not their fault. That is not to say that verbal lashings or physical abuse should be excused or tolerated, but ...well i guess the way i look at it is this: I am diabetic. My eating habits of late have thrown me into extreme lethargy because my sugar plummets so far down. I cant help that. I take my meds like I'm supposed to, but it still happens...see what I mean? We can, however, hold them accoutable for their treatment. They must take their meds on schedule. They must get plenty of rest, and they must follow doctor's orders.

Its hard to keep a "stiff upper lip." He's in a depressed cycle right now, and I hurt for him so badly I get really down. Then, when he starts to come out of it back into a "normal" cycle, he wants to know why I'm so mopey. I think to myself BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, and then I think "well what nerve! How can he ask me that???" I'm sitting here with my heart broken into, a basket of nerves trying to work 12 hours a day, keep a house, keep it together for our teen and he acts as though he's oblivious to it all. But then I remember, its not his fault...this is really not him. Its the depression or the mania talking. The damage has already been done....but we have to pick up the pieces and perhaps put them together a different way. Healing takes time. My husband has suffered with slight bouts of this for 20 years. I told him that a month would not fix everything....healing takes time. Forgiveness takes everything that we've got sometimes.

The verbal abuse is (from what i've read on the internet and from talking with other SOs of BP suffers) just part of it, but just remember...that is not your spouse, but I know that hurt is hurt, no matter the cause or intent. The very first statement that i read on a BP family support site was this: "if you love someone with bipolar disorder, you WILL BE HURT." And you know, in an odd way that made me feel better. Why? I dont know, i guess I could be totally anaylitical about it then, instead of just emotional.

You are most certainly not "less than." Please keep your appointments and think very seriously about the anti-depressant. You may ask about cymbalta...it treats physical symptoms of depression, i.e., body aches, headaches, GI problems too. I also take something for anxiety and that gets me over the crying spells and the utter hopeless feelings.

Ultimately you must draw boundries with your wife. You and only you know how much that you can stand. You are not weak. You do not have a character flaw. You are a careing, loveing, and feeling human being who is being called upon to make sense out of a confusing and hurtful situation. You must take care of yourself and be healthy for you and your children. I have already resolved that if he does not stay on his meds that I cant stay. Thats one of the hardest things i've ever had to face, but its something that must be done.

I'm glad to hear that the meds seem to be helping. Hope is sometimes far away, but its not out of reach. I'll pray for you and I'll pray for her. Be strong and take care. And remember, I'm not making excuses for anything (even tho when i went back and read this it kinda sounds like it), because you have to be well, healthy, and happy. EVERYONE deserves that. My best to all of you. God Speed.

Hello, thank goodness I have found a place tospeak to someone. My husband is bipolar and has been for years. He was very successful until 3 years ago when he stoppedgoing to the office <I did not fined out until his boss called. He was diagnosed and started taking wellbutrin. He lost his job, but found another one a year later. Through the years he would spend hours at the bar after work 5-until 4:00 a.m. I found him having sex with a woman he picked up in the bar. But forgave him. I have since found out he has has a few affairs. He now blames his illness. He was also very verbally abusive and Blamed me for everything. As I said he found another job, but it seemslast Dec. he was fired and did not tell me until Feb. So now he is unemployed.. He started looking for a new job in March. and had about 6 interviews and said of each one he had the job. but he did not. My mom passed away in March and I gave up my job. Now we have no income. Last week I found him having a drink with another woman. He said they were just playing trivia. Also I found out he stopped taking his medication. I made a doctors appt. for Mon. but he would not go. Said I had railroaded him into this illness. He did leave to go the the Dr. but changed his mind and did not go. I am going to pick up his pill today. But I do not know what to do. I broke my leg 5 weeks ago so cannot get a new job yet. So I have all the overdue bills, a huge mortgage, can't sell the house as the market is bad and have a husband who prefers strangers to me. I have cried so many tears and wonder why he is like this. Does it get any better. I have been married for 35 years and 25 of them have been hell.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: at wits end,

THIS IS TOTALLY MY OPINION:
I struggle with Bipolar and one of my manic symptoms is extreme agitation, irritation, and I get very "itchy" (edgy). I have had impulsive outbursts of anger and rage towards the ones I love YET, I am realizing that it is me who can give into the rage and vomit verbal abuse or can try to recognize it happening and walk away.

I'm having to learn to do that. The illness causes this due to the chemical inbalance but it doesn't force me to do it.

What I'm trying to say is that I believe that quite a few people with Bipolar (and I say this because I suffer from Bipolar) use the Bipolar as an excuse for inappropriate behavior and conduct in regards to EVERYTHING they do, as a form of manipulation. It is easier to say "you can't blame me I have BP, it's not totally my fault." and get away with EVERYTHING.

Yes the illness affects the mind and emotions and yes it plays russian roulette with how things are perceived BUT it isn't the "excuse" to every single incident. This will make others mad I'm sure but we simply can't use it as a "blanket excuse" for all our negative conduct. I think it is too easy to do.

I've been married for 17.4 years. Of those I've been absolutely miserable for 16 years. I too can not leave, have no income, he will not leave, has no income, and we can't sell the house. He is not BP but he is emotionally and mentally negligent and abusive.

My spouse has been out with women, had women call the house and leave messages, ran up credit cards and cleaned out bank accounts on phone sex and trying to pick up other women so I know what this feels like BUT he isn't bipolar (actually I think he is narcissitic).

Point is: He blames me for his behavior - like some people with BP would blame BP. My husband chooses what he does, he makes that choice, as I do.

All the meds can do is stabilize his moods and the chemical inbalance that is causing them. They can't control and regulate what he actually does with them. That has to come from somewhere or something else.

What will help him, if he is willing, is therapy of some sort - to teach him or have him re-learn how to be in a healthy relationship. He has to be willing to do this though.

sorry, to the above -
the last 2 or so paragraphs was in reference to the posters husband not mine - you know about getting therapy and the meds stabilizing mood - I was referring to her husband and well.. not mine although it probably wouldn't hurt mine to be tranquilized from time to time (sarcasm).

Thank you for the information marie. My husband doesn't talk to me because "I just don't understand," and he says he gets tired of trying to explain it to me. He says that he doesn't know what's going on in his head so how can me make me understand...which I understand his point to some degree. He is completly against any kind of therapy. He just will NOT do it and becomes extremely agitated if I even mention it in passing. Most of his symptoms are in the form of rage and anger. And yes, I am guilty of letting it all "slide" because I believe that it is the illness causing him to behave such; however, I have told him that I wont allow him to be verbally cruel to me anymore. I cannot say that all the time we've been together has been hell, but I can now see that most of the times when he would become so angry with me and give me a tongue lashing in the past that it was because of the chemical imbalance, and I think he's seeing that now too. Granted, it doesnt help my feelings at times, but I try to be analytical about the whole thing and try to let it go in one ear and out the other. The only time I cant do that is when he says he wants a divorce...and then he brings up every single little thing I've done wrong since we met over five years ago. Its like I am the only "thing" that makes him mad, and yet when I say I'm going, he'll ask me to stay. I love him, God knows I do, and I would never leave because of the disorder...I think of it like any other disease: its not his fault. We had a wonderful three days last week. He had some clarity ...and in that time he told me that he loved me and was sorry for anything he might have said to hurt me, but then he becomes stand-offish and doesnt want me to touch him. He doesnt want to show me any affection. He told me that half of the problem was the way I treated him in the past....and mind you, I'm not saying i was an angel, but there's nothing that has happened between us that would warrant a divorce. I'm so afraid that's what will happen. He told me that he needs space, so i give him space. He told me that we needed some time apart...so i told him i would go to my mom's. He agreed at first, but then told me that he didnt want to be at the house by himself (he also suffers with anxiety disorder). He pushes and pulls. aye me....I love him unconditionally, thats the bottom line.

Marie, I'm sorry your husband doesnt support and care for you. You deserve someone who loves you unconditionally.

at wits end: the only solace i can offer is that i know how you feel. It's like they are 100 miles away from you, even if they are in the same room. No affection for you, even tho they show it to everyone else. You get to bear the brunt of the anger and frustration. Someone correct me if im wrong here, but if your husband is BP and only taking an antidepressant, shouldnt he also be taking a mood stablizer? doesnt the antidepressant tend to throw over to the manic cycle?

I know that we will get through this. There are too many successfully treated people for us not to. I guess my rose colored glasses let me see that love can heal anything, and ive told him, as long as he will give me a little crumb, i can do anything. God bless all.

No, actually I am the Bipolar one. I know my rambling sort of got confused.

I have Bipolar, it makes me think and do things that aren't always best because at the core the chemical inbalance is stirring. I do the thing in reaction to what I think and feel at the time. However, I accept the responsibility of what I do and I don't tell people "I'm Bipolar and you can't blame me."

I have had psychotic episodes, I've had auditory and visual hallucinations from time to time, it is the illness caused by the chemicals. I still have the mania symptoms and I still get depressed, on the verge of suicide, and even have attempted a time or two.

Yet, I still try to make an effort, accept responsibility for myself and my actions, and see a therapist and a Pdoc. I also do this for my child because I love her absolutely. My mother was Bipolar but didn't take responsibility for herself by getting treatment.

Thus, I am here.

My husband just recenly confessed to me that he has been hearing voices. I do all the research I can, if for nothing else just so that I can tell him of the symptoms and try to ease his mind for a bit. He's still struggling with his diagnosis; he's ashamed, angry, and doesnt want me to tell anyone, not even his daughter or mother. I've been told on this board that he must accept the responsibility of his treatment, but when he wont go to the doc.....there's nothing I can do or is there? I'm sorry that your mother didn't get the treatments she needed to be well for herself and for you, but right on to you for taking a stand and doing what you need to do for yourself and daughter!

while im here...and i dont mean to pry, but since my husband doesnt want to answer my questions....may I ask you something? my husband can barely stand to look at me. before he started having the cycles we would have a spat every now and then...but now its just like...well i cant even breathe in his direction without angering him to the point where he tells me he wants a divorce. can you shed any light?