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Thanks to all who read this and offer suggestions and help.
I have been married for almost 15 years. We have 5 children ages 4,6,8,10, and 12. About 10 years ago we discovered that my wife had some 'manic' behavior and she started on an anti-depressant and an anti-psychotic. I think at the time it was labeled depression. She was on those meds during the majority of her pregnancies which have been tough on her. She was trying to do homeschool during this time as well. During this time she also began seeing me as the bad guy. No longer was I the loving husband. After the birth of our 5th child there was no emotional connection between us and hence no physical one either. She had an affair over a year ago and decided to go off her meds which we felt contributed to her emotional detachment of me and subsequently the affair. She decided to try a natural vitamin supplement. We had started marriage counseling during this time and she started to improve in her attitude toward me.
After coming off her meds she was pretty much able to do nothing and I was trying to figure out how to work 40 hours a week and take care of the 5 kids during the summer. This lasted for about 8 months during which she had several psychotic experiences. At the time I had no clue what was going on and thought she was just trying to heal from the affair etc. She finally ended up in the hospital where she had 2 stays for a total of about 25 days with a week or so in between. They put her on another anti-psychotic as well as anxiety medecine.
When she got out she felt she needed help and so I hired some in home help and a sitter to help her with the housework and the kids. This is very expensive and when she started spending $100/day on things that were not exactly needs I became very concerned and a NAMI support group recommended I limit what she has access to spend and set up some other bank accounts and only give her some to spend. She now spends until the accounts she has access to are empty. I am afraid she will start charging up credit.
I have been considering filing for divorce and I feel that the best for the kids would be to be in a more stable home. Its been a whole year since I've been doing everything and my job is suffering.
There is a LOT of tension in the home and I felt that I needed to change the status quo when I met with my wife and the psychiatrist and my wife suggested I live somewhere else for a while (so she can 'heal') because she feels I am verbally abusing her (just trying to tell her that we don't have the money for her to spend on whatever she wants right now is verbal abuse). I've never sworn at her or put her down in all our lives. I said that is absolutely NOT going to happen. I cannot leave 5 children with a mentally ill wife. In addition that would give any court reason to believe that I felt she was OK enough to take care of the kids.
I am emotionally drained after so long of dealing with the kids by myself and now to have to 'take care' of her is all that much more taxing. I have lost weight worrying about everything and I know my emotional health is at stake. I over question every decision I make because of the way she is. Every time the phone rings at work I have to say a prayer that I will say the 'right things' if it is her. The problem is, nothing I say is right for her and if I don't agree with her in every way, I am being verbally abusive no matter how I say it. This has reduced our relationship to little to know talking at all. Makes it tough to get things done and I certainly would have expected a marriage to be much better. I feel like I am pulling the weight of the whole family and have little or no help from her. Most of what goes wrong for my wife seems to be my fault in her mind.
What I really struggle with is that she won't sign a release for her psychiatrist and psychotherapist to be able to talk to me. I have learned from others that she was very difficult to raise as an adopted child and that she is very manipulative and knows what to tell the therapist to get what she wants. She wants/needs their support right now, but they won't tell me if/when she'll ever get better. I don't know who to get more information from about that. What is the point if she doesn't want me to be involved.
She is very selfish and considers no one but herself and I feel like she does this hiding behind the fact that she has a mental illness. It is hard to know.
It is clear the person I am with now is absolutely NOT the person that I married. This is what makes it so difficult. I still love her, I don't have any grudges or anything, but I need to change the status quo because my health is on the line, my children need a stable happy home and I could loose my job if I can't go to work and focus on it properly.
So I still have a sitter/housekeeper and since my wife ran one of the vehicles out of oil visiting her friends she got in the hospital (continuing to neglect her family) this leaves us with one car.
It is difficult for me to draw the line between personal responsibility and mental illness. I need to protect myself and my children, but I also don't want to feel like I am abandoning her. She is always so nice, but I've heard from others that she is not committed to the marriage and pretty much does not like me. If I don't agree with everything she says, does or wants to do, then I am verbally abusing her. I've been told to get out of the relationship, she will do better on her own.
I am concerned about the kids and want to move them out of state where I have family who can help me raise them. I am afraid how that might work from a custody and visitation issue since custody of the kids probably doesn't mean she won't be able to visit them. She has never had issues with suicide or homicide
If there is anyone who can offer ideas help and suggestions here I would very much appreciate it. I don't think I have the ability to do any more. I just know I need to change the status quo.
I have been where you are. It is very difficult. My difference was I had no idea ex wife was bipolar and no idea what bipolar was. It was a very difficult learning experience. If you read my other posts on this forum you will find that my ex wife left nearly 5 years ago and her life has degenerated since. My life is good, as are my kids. It was very difficult getting there.
I see some things in your post that tell me you are on the right track even though you are emotionally drained. You are committed to your kids and you believe they will be best off not in a household led by a mentally ill person. You want a new life. You are refusing to move out. You are attempting to limit your financial exposure. All of those are the correct paths. Keep on them no matter how hard it is.
A custody battle will be difficult and could be drawn out. Make sure you document her mental illness, hospital stays etc. In some states you can stipulate that her visitation rights will be limited by her documentation of proper treatment. Get yourself a good lawyer who knows about father's rights and mental illness. Get yourself a court recognized mental health exam (with the help of your attorney) so you can prove in court you are mentally healthy and she is not. Prepare to be even more tired and stressed than you are now. Make sure of who your friends are (as a couple breaking up you have friends as a couple - they will wind up choosing one side or the other). Use those friends to bounce things off of and ask for favors like child care and school pickup etc. I found I had many more friends than I ever knew.
I finally realized it was to my benefit to file for divorce first. Makes the discussion on your terms instead of hers (on hers you will have to defend yourself against unfounded abuse accusations that courts have a tendency to believe). If the case is on your terms she will need to show she is mentally competent. Be ruthless in your legal dealings since she will be ruthless also (ie get a really good lawyer). Push for custody and child support payments from her but settle for whatever is best for the kids. DO NOT MOVE OUT. Never ever be the first to move out. Move to another part of the house or whatever you need to do but do not move out until the case is settled. Be prepared not to be able to move out of state. Courts like easy access to children by both parents.
Read the posts on this forum. "G" does not come here any more but I will revive an old post by him. Read it and you will see your life.
Is it normal not to be able to really talk rationally with a person with BP? Someone has said to me, why don't you sit down and have a conversation that says. "Look, things aren't working out. You can't take care of the kids. It makes sense for you to move out, not me... I am in danger of loosing my job, etc..." I don't think this would go anywhere...
How do I protect the kids during this time. She has been known to leave the 6 year old home all alone for probably 2 hours.
I don't know how to deal with the anxiety I feel when (for reasons of needing to pay the bills) I don't put all the money into the accounts she has access to spend. I am afraid of what she will do. I don't know what my rights are here. I don't want any more problems.
I have thought about moving out with the kids, but that just doesn't make sense and I can't see how that would work financially.
It is normal to not be able to talk rationally with a bp when they are in a manic or depressed mode. It is normal not to get rational behavior. It is normal to think you had a rational conversation and agreement and find a short time later that the BP either does not remember, will not remember, or has twisted your words, or had a totally opposite understanding from you. The Friends and Loved Ones section of this board
has a nearly endless supply of examples of people trying to deal with their BP significant others. The BP's are not all the same and the non-BP spouses do not all react the same.
I don;t have easy answers for this. I had to work very hard over a long period to get custody. My daughter (12 at the time of her mom's first suicide attempt; 17 now)was definitely in unsafe situations in her mid teens due to the lack of supervision during court ordered visits to her mom. Also she was held away from me by her mom for 6 months before the first suicide attempt and was in unsafe conditions then as well. She seems to have been very resilient and is now an outstanding student and athlete heading to college. But I think if I had just let her go, she would not be fine today.
I did not find this site until much after all was coming to a close for me, but it has helped me much to know others have gone through similar experiences. Read a lot on this site. Read all you can about bipolar on medical sites. It will help your anxiety I think.
At one time I made sure to put as much money as possible into 401k accounts to keep my BP SO from getting her hands on it. It worked to a point (this was prior to me knowing she was BP)
I think it would be unwise to move out with the kids unless she is a direct physical threat to them. Moving out with them will not look good in your custody battle to come - she can hire a lawyer to make you look like a kidnapper and abuser from just doing that - when you thought it a matter of protection.
The most important thing is to maintain you relationships with your kids. Make sure they are safe. Involve courts if you need to in making them safe.
You will get over your fear of her. It took me a while to fight through that. She will control you while arranging for psychiatrists to accuse you in court of controlling behavior toward her.
Be strong for your kids. Talk to your trusted friends continuously. Ask various ones the same questions when you need to make a decision and see if they agree. You will find them able to think logically when you are at wits end with anxiety and worry. Figure out which ones give you consistently good advice. Use them over and over to bounce your thoughts and concerns off. You will need to trust them to the point of sharing information we are all not accustomed to sharing. Its hard.
Was your wife a kind loving mother and spouse to begin with and then change, or did she always exhibit BP behavior?
I really struggle because when I first got married I don't remember much if any BP behavior and I keep wondering if there is any chance she'll get better. It makes it really tough when trying to decide to file papers. I feel bad and like I am doing something wrong. I keep trying to point out the good things that happen to myself even though everything else (like the communication) is so dysfunctional.
You mentioned to involve the courts if I need to in making the kids safe. How do I do that? What do you mean?
Also, is it better to file papers sooner or later? I keep wondering if I will have a better chance on custody of the kids if I do it sooner since she recently got out of the hospital (then I feel bad for saying/thinking this since it is more of a struggle for her after being in the hospital)
I don't know how to be there for my kids when I have to be at work. I cannot afford to loose my job. I definately do the best I can when I can and I think they are glad for it.
My ex spouse was a wonderful and loving person and mother for many years. 3 or 4 years before she left, she went through a serious depressive episode. She sought help and was put on an antidepressant. This helped but it now appears that she was misdiagnosed as depressed instead of bipolar. After that point she began to gradually show what I now know (but did not know at the time) to be BP symptoms. In a long lasting manic phase she had what she called various "epiphanies" about her life which included realizing she was only 80% happy and that any unhappiness she had was my fault. She eventually left without telling anyone she was going - advised by attorneys and a psychiatrist to do this. It now appears to me that she followed a formula that is advised for people who are being abused. It seems she both thought she was being abused (she wasn't) and that she thought that if she made it appear that way, she would be able to take our 2 children out of state and be able to take up a life with an old boyfriend who she had visited recently before. When I realized the plan I filed for divorce and custody of the children in the court. While the custody argument was a long one, the filing caused the judge to order both of us to not take the children out of state. She had an attorney who insisted she could take them to another state. Finally the judge said emphatically that if she did, he would bring her back in handcuffs. Her attorney told her she could not follow her original plan in a not-very-sensitive- way and the next day she attempted suicide - once at her apartment where my daughter found her and once in the hosptial where she neraly succeeded and caused herself significant brain damage.
Re court involvement: It all depends on your state. Laws vary. As much as I disrespect attorneys in these matters, it is necessary to have one. You need one that understands father's rights and custody battles as well as mental illness. Interview some. You will get about a half hour free with any attorney before you go on the clock. Hire the one who knows about how you will get custody and is familiar with BP and how to get mental health records into court. There are websites advising mentally ill people how to get visitation rights to their children. Read them. Insist on documentation to an impartial party by your spouse that she is on proper medication and treatment as a condition for visitation. There will be several months before it is resolved. Done properly though by a competent attorney in front of an aware judge, you will most likely prevail. But the key is finding an attorney who is not a jerk, a traditionalist, or a slimy ripoff artist. This is easier said than done.
Work is hard. I am extremely fortunate to have had a very understanding employer. I had to take a lot of time off from work and arrange to work flex time to handle it all. They were understanding in part because I have a good record and they are nice but also because I talked to my boss and explained what I was dealing with on a regular basis. You will be amazed how helpful people are when they know what you are up against. People have a great fondness for a single dad taking care of his children. Friends will help you do this also. Just figure out who they are and who isn't your friend anymore. And ALWAYS always always, put the welfare of your children first. Ahead of your own interests, ahead of financial considerations, ahead of everything. People, attorneys, judges, and social services people respect that tremendously. Depending on your state, all of these groups may have a role with your case.
Take care.
This message has been edited. Last edited by: jsmith,
I neglected to answer one of your questions. And I also have an additional comment.
Re timing of filing: Once you have made your decision, start the process. No advantage in delay. Just be sure of your decision. This is one of those lifetime milestones that you can't turn back from. Once its done its done and there is no turning back.
You say: "I keep wondering if I will have a better chance on custody of the kids if I do it sooner since she recently got out of the hospital (then I feel bad for saying/thinking this since it is more of a struggle for her after being in the hospital)"
In this statement you are showing concern or sympathy for your spouse. This is a wonderful human emotion that will completely unravel you in court. Courts are black and white - no shades of gray allowed. Someone is right and someone is wrong. If you do this, your spouse is your adversary, not your friend. You are used to seeing her as a friend and confidante. That part of your relationship ends on the day you decide to proceed - maybe sooner. If you are going to take care of your children and win the case there is absolutely no room for sympathy. On the advice of her attorney (if she gets one) she will be ruthless. You need to also be ruthless. I had a friend who had been through a messy divorce tell me: "There will be plenty of time after its over to be friends with your ex spouse. While the proceedings are going on, you are not friends. Rather you are enemies. Treat it that way." It was good advice. Because of her BP and institutionalization and continued nastiness over child custody, I have never returned to a cordial relationship with my bp ex. I think she is now likely so incapcitated now due to brain damage and repeated rapid cycling, that it is unlikely that a relationship will return. But bottom line is: In a custody battle there is no sympathy allowed.
I asked one attorney what they knew about bipolar and they said what do you mean? I said do you know about the illness. They said that they knew, but were no experts. They said I had been talking to to many friends(because every case is different and I don't know all the details) and that what they focus on is making sure the court is aware of the impact to the children by leaving them with a BP spouse and the law with that. Same thing with the fathers rights thing. I can see any attorney answering the same way.
They also said that I could start the process and decide later if I wanted to change my mind.
Talk to some more attorneys and also some friends who have gone through divorce.
You may eventually settle on the one you talked to today but I would be very wary of any attorney who told me I had been "talking to too many friends".
Friends are where you find information. Any competent attorney should be willing to take the time needed to explain why anything a friend has told you may be incorrect or correct for your particular situation. They should do so with patience and reassurance. Any service provider I contact, including attorneys, car dealers, garbage pickup service, or tv repairpersons, must be willing to answer any and all of my questions or I don't hire them. An attorney who dismisses your questions with that kind of flippant answer is not one I would tend to hire or trust. I think you stumped this one and s/he didn't want to admit it.
In any case starting the process and then waiting to think it over is not a bad idea. This is something you want to be sure about. I myself found an attorney i liked and waited about 1.5 months to "pull the trigger" on starting the process. I would have waited longer but what triggered me was an episode where my bp SO refused to let my daughter spend the weekend with me when my parents were visiting (prior to any custody decisions) explaining to my daughter who wanted to stay that she couldnt "for legal reasons". The legal reasons were essentially that she wanted to create a precedent of me not having visitation rights or custody. That was the last straw. My son who was 16 had already stated he would not live with his mother - at 16 children have the right to choose their residence in my state. This situation with my daughter was unacceptable to me so I decided it was over - needed to get it going and done. You may come to a point like that or you may change your mind.
Our circumstances are similar in many respects. I have children aged 6, 2 and 8 months. I am currently going through a very messy and complicated custody battle with my BP wife, and will be attending our first case conference Tuesday, March 11.
My wife stopped taking meds the day she was discharged from the hospital for her third psychosic/manic episode last fall. On the advice of her psychiatrist and the local branch of the Children's Aid Society, I moved the kids and myself out of the house. She was furious, and over the course of the next three weeks, gradually sank into another episode. The last few days, she harassed my parents and me through the telephone (leaving threats on their voice mail on an hourly basis), and verbally abused me and hit me on three occasions -- once in front of our children, another time before several relatives who had come to help me reason with her. Two mental health crisis workers and three police officers were called over during the last incident; no one could convince her to return to the hospital, so I had her arrested and charged with assault and uttering death threats.
She was released on bail and slapped with a restraining order; she is not allowed to communicate with me directly or indirectly, and her only authorised access to the children is through visits organised and supervised by the CAS. Two days later, she had two friends help her serve me with papers to the effect that she was suing me for custody of the children, as well as child and spousal support. She has breached her recognizance several times over, has bankrupted me with a risky venture business that she started behind my back, and hurt our two sons during her mania -- injuries that required treatment at the hospital emergency ward. She has always denied that she is mentally ill, stating that her psychoses are divine messages. As a result, she has steadfastly refused any medication except at the hospital, where taking them garanteed an earlier discharge.
With all of that, you'd think I'd be confident in gaining sole custody of our kids; but I'm not -- not one bit. Because I'm broke, I had to go through provincial legal aid to find a lawyer; he has only asked me to meet him once, for a 15-minute interview, since he was assigned my case. Her lawyer has been getting into the minds of the CAS, casting doubt on my statements and my family's, looking for any possible loopholes and evidence of prejudice on our part. The CAS, the hospitals, her psychiatrist, a possible (and possibly conflicting) second medical opinion, the police... Not only are they refusing to release her files or part with any useful information on my wife for reasons of privacy and confidentiality, they're also working singly or in tandems, with only isolated bits of information and personal history exchanged -- they are completely failing to get the big picture, and giving her the benefit of the doubt every step of the way. I've written a detailed, 20-page journal of all the episodes and copious instances of erratic and abnormal behaviour in the past ten years -- behaviour completely matching that of BP1 sufferers, as described by other members of these fora -- but no one will go to the trouble of reading it. Each party is working within a very limited and focused scope, and desperately afraid of being legally liable for *anything*. The psychiatrist whom I had certify me as sane is of the opinion that she will get joint, unsupervised custody -- at which time she might harm the children again and/or kidnap them out of country, as she has threatened to do several times in the past. (She has the means and family to do so.)
I will keep you apprised of what's happening to give you a more precise idea of the ordeal you will possibly go through. My one word of advice, on a personal level: get some sort of leave of absence from your employer to help you cope with all the demands in your life. I was "lucky" to get eight months of parental leave because of my infant son; it rid me of enough stress to help me avoid a breakdown of my own.
The case conference did not go well. Although I can accept my lawyer's contention that he won't get into the nitty-gritty of my claims until he has a chance to see all the medical and CAS records, it was tough being seen as the "bad guy".
There was hardly any context to the discussions, and comments by my wife made me look like a vindictive husband. The judge scolded me on two or three occasions, when I hadn't even opened my mouth; while her demeanor towards my wife was much more deferential. No comment.
This was just a preliminary hearing. My wife parted with her first lawyer last month (we don't know why, but people with experience in this field suggested they were probably not seeing eye to eye), and the new one is not yet up to speed. The big issue is that no one has got the complete medical picture; apparently, they're having trouble getting her psychiatrist to "cooperate", whatever that means. My wife needs (actually wants, so sure is she that she is not ill) another medical opinion at a specialised hospital in a large city to determine her mental health "once and for all".
She still claims she is not bipolar. She presented a document from the hospital where she had her first psychosis; it stated that she was "probably not bipolar, but rather the victim of a unique and temporary psychosis," because she had been off meds for five months and not relapsed. That document was signed by her follow-up psychiatrist, the one who met her once a month after her second discharge; she never saw my wife in her psychotic state, when she claimed our son was God and our family would rule the earth. However, my wife was diagnosed bipolar 1, and treated for two months, by the head of the hospital's psychiatric department. I wonder if he's aware that his diagnosis was reversed?
My wife also says that my parents and I forced her to check herself into the psych ward (false -- I alone asked her to do so; she was manic and agreed), and made several other claims that time, medical files and police reports will disprove -- I hope. I guess I just have to be patient; but the uncertainty is weighing heavily on me, and there are days when I'm not very optimistic.
G. and jsmith were right: BPs in divorce and custody proceedings are ruthless. Until this morning, I was wondering whether she would plea bargain -- "You drop the criminal charges against me, and I'll drop the custody suit" -- or admit she's ill and ask to reconcile. But that was just me being my usual soft self. I feel now that if she gets any kind of unsupervised custody of the children, and there is no legal recourse for me that would prevent her from getting passports for the kids, she *will* kidnap them to Korea at the first opportunity.
Again, if I could just get my lawyer to pour through my journal, fill him in on the details of our story -- which is very complicated, because it involves properties, complex and unorthodox financial deals, child boarders, angry parents, theft and lying on my wife's part, etc. -- I could at least sleep better nights. But it looks like this will go to trial eventually; and I hope by that time that lawyer of mine is ready and willing to get to know my wife as well as I do and fight tooth and nail for the welfare of my children.
My heart goes out to you and your kids. The court systems in Canada appear to be similarly handicapped as those in the US when dealing with mental illness. Psychiatrist's are willing to give "all clear" statements to anyone who will pay them enough - I had a world renowned psychiatrist testify in court my ex wife was just fine and dandy to be a custodial parent approximately 2 weeks before her 3rd suicide attempt. What a quack! (although in this instance the judge had become wary and saw through the lie). Sane fathers are treated badly and suspected as abusers while mentally ill mothers are viewed as victims and suitable parents while overbooked family courts buy into the tv soap opera created stereotypes. The ONLY thing that kept my now institutionalized ex wife from obtaining court ordered custody of both of our kids (against their will) were her first and second suicide attempts! Unfortunately I see the same patterns in what you describe. I wish there was something I could tell you. Maybe you will get lucky. Maybe a judge will be able to see through the fog of stereotypes created by attorneys, law guardians, and psychiatrists and rule in your favor. I hope the best for you and your kids, but my own experience says it takes some drastic and tragic manifestations of mental illness on the part of a BP mother to enable courts to see clearly. I so wish I could tell you something hopeful. Keep trying. You owe it to your kids.
One additional thought for you. If you truly are worried about your wife taking your kids to Korea, document this in a letter to the court. Explain all the reasons you think this might be true. In some states there is a process for filing for a court order to limit where both parents can take the kids until the case is resolved. I assume there is somethig similar in the provinces of Canada. If you have a competent attorney, s/he should know how to do this. A judge will then do something like issue an order that she is not to take the kids anywhere without the court's permission or order the kids passports held.
If you truly are worried about this (I myself was worried about it but did not, at the time, believe my SO would do something so awful - later I found out this is EXACTLY what she was planning) even remotely worried - act on it. Because you know your wife so well, your hunches about her behavior are probably correct - at least more correct than anyone else's predicitons of what she will do. I am sorry to say this again but you have to be ruthless, take all precautions and not be intimidated to succeed.
Thanks so much for the support. I haven't slept in the past 36 hours, I'm so upset. I met my therapist this morning to talk about what happened yesterday (he actually had the "pleasure" of speaking with my wife for 30 minutes the day she was arrested; he was part of the Mental Health Crisis Team that the police had called over), and he told me that the family courts in this province are unfortunately still biased in favour of mothers; it's a stereotype that won't go away just yet. Right now, she is arguing temporary psychosis for the first episode and post-partum depression (four months after the fact???) for the second. Of course, because the actual trial hasn't begun, they won't let us bring up the innumerable other instances of child neglect and BP1 behaviour, not to mention the occurrences of perjury and breach of recognizance with regards to her criminal case.
Luckily, I don't have to worry about psychiatrists being paid off -- Canada's universal health care system incorporates just about everyone in the medical profession -- though they do worry about their reputations and tend to play it safe, waiting for the next shoe to drop, and the next, and the next, etc. before committing themselves to a firm diagnosis. The Children's Aid Society has told my lawyer that they consider me a fit parent, and my wife, not so much... at least for now. But if somehow her diagnosis is reduced or reversed a second time by another timid psych who doesn't have the time, expertise or disposition to delve into her mind, the CAS -- who has the judge's ear -- will err on the side of mom, for sure. (The local branch has been legally burned before by refusing to return abused children to their parents, as ordered by misguided judges; they don't want to lose badly needed funds to pay for damages.) They've already been laying the groundwork for that particular outcome by asking me hypothetical questions that don't sound quite so conjectural to me.
Yes, the educating will take a lot of doing, if it can be done at all. And in the end, it might not make one bit of difference -- unless, as you've said, something tragic happens. That's the catch-22, isn't it? As long as we take precautions to prevent something bad from happening to the kids, we have no proof as to the BP's intentions, do we? Oy...
Everyone I've spoken to -- friends, relatives, psychiatrists and therapists - is aware of her prior threats to move back to Korea with the kids, with or without me. The clincher was the time she and the children had stayed on in Korea for a few more weeks while I returned to Canada to work: she called and told me that if I didn't agree right there and then to let her do whatever she wanted in regards to her business startup and bringing her relatives to live with us, she would not come back home.
Whenever I was asked how I could have let her do all the things she did, and why I signed all those documents making me as legally responsible for her wrongdoings as she, I told them about this gun that she had been holding to my head for several years. Not all of them believed me; some Koreans who don't know us very well think I was just throwing her to the wolves to save my own skin; and others -- even her psychiatrist -- believed that there would be checks at the airports to prevent this from happening. Well, I'm not as confident in airport security as they are; and because I am normally out of the house from 6 a.m. to 6 p.m., she would have had all the time in the world to take a plane to Vancouver and thence to Korea before I'd even left the office. In any case, not many parents I know would take that chance and call her bluff.
A cursory internet check reveals that joint custody requires both parents' signatures for child passport applications. However, there is nothing to prevent my wife from forging my signature; and I know from experience -- because we did have passports made for the kids in 2006 -- that Passport Canada does not follow up by calling parents and asking them if they did actually sign the papers themselves.
I will have a family lawyer look into the matter; the local courthouse has one on standby two days a week for free consultations. And in the event that my wife does eventually obtain partial or joint unsupervised custody, I will try to have the authorities do exactly what you've suggested, assuming it is possible.
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