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I have also posted several times. When I sit and look back at the last few months I realize that my life is so much fuller and happier now that I have allowed myself the space that was needed to reflect on my 4 year relationship with my BP SO. I won't tell you that things have been easy. I still have contact. I just keep the contact within my boundries now. I spent 4 years trying to get him help. Trying to understand why everything and everyone else was so much more important to him. The only time he wanted my love or help was when he had no one else to turn to. I dealt with other women, adult sites where he would try to meet women for sex, strip clubs where he would spend outragous amounts of money, etc. I think that I allowed myself to be beaten down to a point that I felt like I deserved all of the abuse and the name calling. He blamed me for everything that happened. Finally I realized that I deserved more than what this relationship brought me. I walked away, found strenth in myself through my therapist, friends and family. I won't lie, it is hard not to be lured back in when the"great guy" I fell in love with is out and is trying so hard to get me back in his life. But, is this guy sticking around? Nope, he visits until I let my guard down and then we go right back to the same relationship that gives him the power and control over me. He needs that, it seems to be what makes him strong. When he has me he wants everyone and everything else that causes all the problems. When I am not available to him he just sits in his dirty apartment and feels bad for himself. This has happened so many times that I have lost count. It will never happen again. Don't think that meds will change him. He has to want to change. He has to want to get better. My SO is on his meds, but drinks daily, refuses to read or study up on BPD and arm himself with the tools to help himself understand the disorder. I have given him reading material, helped him to find a doctor to talk to, tried to stand by him through all of this. He doesn't want help, he feels that taking the meds alone will cure him completely. I wonder at what point he will finally understand or if he will ever want to get better. I find it so odd that he wants my help and supoort as long as it is on his terms. Any time I ask for something or want answers to help me understand he gets so upset that the conversation is over and any communication ends at that point. I am still in his life, the difference is I am there in a capacity that works for me. I no longer think that I will save him and we will live happily ever after. I am there as a friend, someone who knows him and probably the only person who will help him when he is in a bad place. I hope that someday he can live a normal life. Tara, get your life together, find what makes you happy. Live for yourself. After awhile you will see that it feels so good making plans and following through with them. How long have you lived day to day not knowing what was around the corner? I can tell you this, for the first time in 4 years I wake up knowing that the only things that I have to deal with are the things that I bring on myself. It is so refreshing to know that there is no drama created by someone else. I sleep again. I eat again. I actually live again. My life is mine again. No more stress from what another person brings into my world. Please take the time to find yourself again. Love yourself for the goodness that allowed you to be there for him when he needed you. Reflect on the fact that even though it may not have worked out, you have left him with tools that he will use in the future. You have made a good impact on his life that he will carry with him and hopefully use to get the help he needs. You will always care about him but do it from a distance now. Do it in a way that won't destroy the person you are. Please keep in touch, if you need to vent or just unload your feelings. Everyone here will support you and try to help you deal with the pain and loss you are suffering right now. It does get better. You will come out of this stronger and at some point you will be helping another person just like the rest of us. Be strong and remember that you ar not alone in this.
I have also posted on this site and have received some very kind responses. It helps to know that you are not the only one experiencing this.
My ex-husband suffers BP. I did everything in my power to help him. I helped him understand that what was going on in his life was not him but an illness. I got him to go to docs and therapists for help. Then he turned on me and decided that he did not need meds or therapists and it was only me who was "sick". He insisted that I had never done anything to help him and never cared about him. We have now been divorced almost 4 months after a 17 year marriage.
We have children so I must stay in contact with him. But at first the contact was constant after the divorce, I still wanted to help him. I loved him and he wanted the divorce due to a girlfriend he had gotten while we were married and because I am a "horrible person", it was not my decision.
Now the contact is only through email and letters. I had to make this choice because he is getting worse.
I found that there was no way to make him understand that he had an illness. He said I was making up lies and calling him names (bipolar). I do not believe that there is anyway to make these people believe that they are suffering if they do not want to believe it.
I understand why you want to help your SO, they are not themselves but living through an illness. The illness will make them do what they are going to do, no matter how much help you try to provide. In my case, my ex became physically abusive to me one night and at that point I realized that he was going to become abusive no matter what, but I was the one standing there taking it. If I had broken contact it would have been someone else standing there.
If your SO becomes hurtful to himself (sucide)it will not be your fault. It is not something you can control or be caused by you. If you are supporting him or not it will not make a difference.
At this point you have to make yourself understand that you did what you could, you can do no more and now you are the one getting hurt. You need to help yourself. Please don't let his illness control you any longer and by believing that your actions will or will not cause him to do something drastic is just another form of control.
This is the hardest thing i have ever been through and I know it is not the end, there will be more to follow. I know you have faced challenges and pain almost unbearable but you have made it. You deserve so much more out of life. Live your life and understand that you did everything you could, he must help himself now. Break the control his illness has over you, hope he can break the control his illness has over him, and then put it in higher hands.
Be strong and remember how much you have lived through so far. Live for yourself now and remember you are not alone, many here understand and will support you.
Has he attempted to harm himself in the past? I ask this because my ex never attemped to hurt himself, he just threatened it. He uses his BP to lure me back over and over again. He has patterns, and if you look at your situation you can probably see your ex has patterns also. Here is how mine works:
1. Push me away, I am the root of all the problems in his life. He hates me, hates his job. I took all of his friends from him,I make him live in a bubble, etc.
2. He goes on a drunken binge, bars, strip clubs, hundreds of dollars on porn sites.Spends a lot of money on things he doesn't need.
3. Finds a new object to focus on (usually someone he has known in the past or a girl he meets in a bar)
4. Sneaks and lies to develop this new relationship behind my back.
5. The girl is not interested or realizes he has a problem and is lying to her and things don't turn out the way he wants them to. She runs and he runs back home. ( I don't know if this is a manic stage, it happens every 3 to 6 months).
6. He calls me like nothing ever happened and tries to get back into my life and the security that I provide for him until the next time. He tries to do nice things, makes all the same promises. Is emotional at points and pleads his case. Yet he never admits his wrongs or talks about what has happened. He has never actually talked to me about anything, he acts like it never happened, and when I push the issue he becomes angry and at times violent. At this point I allowed him back into my life, and the cycle repeats itself.
I finally realized that he finds his strenth to do all of these things when he has the security of knowing I am in his life. I removed myself from his life and now he sits at home. He isn't going to bars or missing work like before. He is actually trying, and doing the best he can to maintain a normal life. Maybe I am his trigger. I don't know. I just know that when he is cycling I have to stay my distance and avoid any contact until it runs it's course.
I am here for him if he needs to talk or has a problem that he can't fix on his own. I help him from a friends position and never question his behavior. It is very distant and cold. I can handle this. Then I know he is okay without allowing his actions to hurt me like before. Is this healthy? I don't know. I just know that it allows me to have peace of mind without losing my mind.
They are sick Tara. I do believe they love us in the only way they know how. It is just not the kind of love that we can build a life from. I feel so bad for anyone with this disorder. I can't imagine living from day to day not knowing what will happen next. All we can do is try to help without destroying ourselves in the process. It is a thankless job caring for them and at times I want to walk away completely. Until he finds a way to cope on his own I feel I will continue to be here for him like a parent or a friend. So you are not alone in your worry or fear of what he will do to himself. I think all of us live this way. You have to realize that at some point you have your own life to live. You have to find the things that bring you happiness and embrace them. Life is short and it gets shorter the older you get. Be happy, and live your life to the fullist. Keep your ex in a place that doesn't consume you. Because all of us have been consumed by these loved ones at some point. Everyday gets a little easier until one day you are back to the person you used to be. When we reach that point we'll know and we will finally let go. Divorced and hurt gives good insight. This disease is uncontrollable, don't let it control you. Please keep in touch and share your feelings.
Tara, Here is the thing. I used to think that all my ex needed was meds. The meds may help even out the cycling. They may cause him to be more leveled. The thing you have to understand is that if the relationship is based on lies and deception they will continue the same behavior without second thought. I finally left when I realized that he had no desire to seek help to treat the disease through learning about it. He wouldn't see a therapist. He would not read any literature or join a support group. He thought the meds would make him into a guy that didn't have these issues anymore. So, even on the meds he is still a liar. He still manipulates those around him and he still engages in the same behaviors. He is just medicated now. The only change that I do see is he isn't going to the bars like before. He said he stays away because they have caused nothing but trouble. The truth is that the women he has pursued are there, and they have told others about him. He is embaressed by this and won't return. One even went to the extent to call him a stalker. He hates to be called out on anything that he might have to answer for so now he just sits in his dirty apartment and drinks all day and night. He contacts me every few days and tries to act like nothing is wrong. I refuse to bring him beer or anything that he can get on his own. Did you cater to your ex? Meet every need and think it would make him love you more? I did, i even gave up the things I loved to be there for him whenever he needed me. So much of ourselves are wrapped up in these guys that we lose sight of what we need. Our hapiness is based on making them happy. Guess what, nothing you do will ever be enough. They take and take and give so little back that in the end you feel like a empty, useless soul that has no idea what makes you happy. The good news is that after a few months away I realize I am attractive. I have a good job and own my own home. I have a lot of qualities that a person would find attractive in a mate or a friend. I never felt that when I was with my ex. I am not ready to date yet, but when I am I will be ready to be loved because I do deserve it. You do to. We all do. I think some people get what they want in life and others get what they deserve. By this I mean if your a good person then godd things come your way. If you are a bad person then you get what you give. This whole situation has drained me. It almost destroyed me. I survived this and I will never allow myself to go back. I hope your ex gets the help he needs. I will pray for you both. Be strong and remember we are all just a keystroke away!!
Tara, It's funny how when you remove yourself and look at things from the outside you see the changes you made. The things you would never have excepted before become the norm. I have a great job at a major company. I have been there 5 years and have moved up to supervisor. I am the only woman to hold this job and know that I am strong and intelligent. So how did I allow myself to fall into this so deep. How did I lose myself in this relationship? I think it was love for the first 3 years and the last was denial. I couldn't except the fact that my life was in utter turmoil. I think I am finally strong again because I have taken the time to find myself again. Find what makes me happy. Surronded myself with people who do love and support me. Living by my own morales and relying on the integrity that has allowed me to make the tough choices in the past. I really don't think that they intentionally hurt us. They do want the things that everyone wants, love, trust, a stable enviroment,etc. They just aren't capable to get it. I read about couples who make it. and I notice the things that my relationship lacked. There has never been a foundation built out of trust and security. The openess that most people share in a relationship is void on my ex's part. He was always hiding or sneaking. Almost like he lived two lives. The trouble began when the 2 lives were somehow brought together. Either I caught him in a lie or a story just didn't add up. I could have continued the relationship as long as I never questioned him. But, I wanted an equal. Someone on the same level as me. Instead I have had to deal with a man with the emotional maturity of a 15 year old boy. My heart hurts for my ex. I wish I could help him but he wants to live this way. No boundries or ultimatiums will ever change that. There is no line that he won't cross. He can't help it. My ex has never chose me. No matter what the situation or what pain it caused he never chose me. I understand that this disease causes alot of this but it didn't hurt me any less. When he is rational and calm the slightest mention of his actions will push him over the edge. So, I have lived for years without one question answered. Now, I question no more. I realize that I will never get answers. I'm okay with that. I find comfort in the fact that I removed myself from the situation and can see clearly again. Find a way to be there for your SO, but do it on terms you can live with. Realize that there is so much more to a relationship than just loving him. Keephim in your heart, but use your head!!
Take care and get back to me soon. I really hope you are okay and had a great day. Chloe
Well this is strange, frightning and wonderful news. I just found out Friday that I am pregnant. I guess around 2 months. I have a step daughter (I raised from the age of 4) who is 23 that is also pregnant, she is in the air force and is a great person. I also have a daughter who is 13. I havenen't shared my news with many. In fact, I just told my ex BP on Sat morning. I never thought that at this point in my life. I would be doing this again. I have a great job and can support myself and my daughter good. I have my own home and I am doing well, moving up at work, etc. I turned 40 in November and this came out of left field!! I am at a point in my life that I can welcome this news. My ex BP is still in a state of shock. He wants a child but I don't think he will be available to help in the day to day responsibilities that a child requires. His mother and I are great friends and rely on each other to understand his disorder and give him the suppot he requires.
Does anyone have any help or ideas in how to incorporate my BP SO into this pregnancy and still keep the boundries that have allowed me to stay available to him as a friend? This really came out of nowhere and I am at a loss. I finally have allowed myself the time and space to regain my life back. I finally am getting better and enjoy the structure of my daily routines and don't want to give that up. I need my life to stay stress free for myself and this child inside of me.
Any advise or comments, good or bad will be well received at this point. I have no idea how BP's are with children. What are the statistics of passing BPD on to your children? I am at a loss at this point. Help!! How do I allow him involvement without losing myself and my security again?
