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Thanks in advance to all who take the time to read this.
I have been married to a bipolar spouse for 6.5 years. We have two girls, ages 5 and 3. I found out my wife was bipolar about 1 year after the birth of our first child. Throughout our marriage I've learned "new" things about her past that she did no share with me. She was previously married and two other children whom she walked away from and has no contact with since we've been together. She claims her husband was abusing her and thats why she left but there are no police reports or hospital documentation of the abuse.
I've had email contact with her ex and his story is that she left the kids with his mom one day and left him a note that she needed to be "free" to party and live her life (she married at 17 and divorced him at 21).
During our marriage she's been hospitalized for 30 days and 4 weeks outpatient treatment during which time the kids could not stay in our home (per doctor's orders due to her being unstable). We got through that.
In November of last year, she threatened suicide while home alon3 with the girls (they were in the bathtub). I called the police and they took her to the hospital who released her three hours later. I took the kids, shut off the money and went out of town to family. I did not know they would release but was afraid for my safety and the kids. I'll admit I should not have left her stranded. We reconciled and got through that as well.
She's always been good at taking her meds and involvement with her treatment. When things are relatively stable she cares well for the children, volunteers at their school and helps them.
However, as others have written she screams when she's in a rage, easily angered or agitated, yells at me with obscenities, puts me down, yells horrible things to the kids when she does get angry.
She recently went to lunch with a girlfriend and concocted a story that she was going shopping with her after lunch. I learned later that day the story was a lie so she could go out drinking with her friend all day. She lied because i don't approve of the excessive drinking since she admittedly can't control it once she starts but she refuses to think it's wrong to do this on occassion.
She told me she no longer loved me and wanted a divorce. I am filing the divorce tomorrow at Noon.
I am overwhelmed with emotions. I feel that our relationship is too far damaged to save but I do love her. She has been a stay at home mom most of the 6 years and currently only works part-time and her doctor will not release her to full-time work.
Once I divorce her and I will seek custody of the children because while she is relatively stable now I worry that if she has them on her own and she can't work enough to pay bills, insurance, meds etc that it would not be a good environment for the kids.
I feel guilty that by divorcing I will be "forcing" her into this situation but feel my priority is myself and the kids.
Any advice or help? Just looking for others who have struggled with same guilt. She admits no wrong doing, believes she should be allowed to drink heavily (even if only occassionally) with her medication even though she knows she can't control what she says or does once she drinks that much. She blames me for everything (yes, I have my own faults) and sees that I'm only doing this to show my "power" over her and that I'm doing this only to hurt her.
If you go onto the "Friends and Loved Ones" section of this message board, you can read lots of similar stories. I posted there recently and we have been discussing this overwhelming guilt that BP SO's seem to be so consumed by. I don't have an answer for it, but a lot of us are in the same boat.
Thanks for responding. I will look at those as well. Just found out today I could get a job offer that would move me out of state (but closer to family support for the kids). Don't know if this would help or hinder my chances of being awarded custody. I could delay the filing, convince the wife to move if she will, and then when it blows up again, file in the new state. Or file now, refuse the job or file now, take the job and take my chances with custody.
I have been where you are. At various times I have put many posts on this forum describing my situation so won;t repeat them. But 5 years ago I was pretty much exactly in the same spot as you except for one thing - I had no idea what bipolar was and no idea my ex spouse was bipolar.
Regarding custody: In my state in the US it is difficult for fathers to get custody in contested cases unless the mother can be proved unfit. I found the family court system extremely challenging to even have it consider awarding me 50% shared custody arrangement until two things happened 1) my exwife attempted suicide and was considered mentally ill 2) I underwent a several day mental health exam and was declared sane by a county psychiatrist. Until that point the court appointed law guardian was recommending (irresponsibly without investigation but thats another story) that I see my children every other weekend and all other times they be with their mom. My at the time 16 yr old son refused this - at that age they have the right to do so. But my 12 yr old daughter was subject to the proposed order. Even the suicide attempt did not change the recommendation of the law guardian - only the evaluation of the facts by the judge prevented my daughter from having to abide by this recommendation. And even that was not rendered until my ex spouse had prevented me - without court approval -from seeing my daughter for 6 months.
In your case you already have lots of background data on abandoned children, suicide attempt and bipolar diagnosis. DO NOT HESITATE TO USE THIS IN COURT!!!!! You owe it to your children to make sure they are raised in a sane environment. Your soon to be ex will hire an attorney who will not hesitate to try to prove you an abuser and insane. Get a court ordered/recognized psychiatric exam ASAP.
DO NOT move your children out of state until the court process has finished. Taking them out of state against the wishes of their mother will most cetainly result in a court ordered return, get you in a lot of trouble, and hurt your ultimate case.
You are currently in a VERY good postion to win in court. You can prove your spouse to be mentally ill and you can potentially prove yourself to be not ill. Every move you make now should put the welfare of the children first.If you do anything that does not put their welfare first you will jeopardize your case. This includes open access to see their mother. In my state the court would not hestitate to put the kids in foster care if both parents appear to be unfit. You are also in a good position to ultimately require her to only have contact with the children under supervision by another person and to require her to get blood tests to prove she is on proper medication in order to have access. Read about custody arrangements in your location on the web. Read about custody arrangments for mentally ill parents on the web.
You are in control. Don't blow it by doing something emotional and stupid that could be viewed by the court as not in the best interests of the children.
And as DR said. Spend a lot of time on this forum in the friends and loved ones section - you will be amazed how many people have the same story.
Good luck and don't hesitate to post for advice on the court stuff. Been there done that.
jsmith
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PS. Get yourself a REALLY good lawyer who knows what bipolar is. It is amazing how little the family court system knows about bipolar. Find out who the best lawyer for divorcing fathers is in your area. Interview him/her and find out what they know about bipolar. Spare no expense if they are good.
Thanks for the reply. This is very scary. And because there are moments where she has clarity it makes it even harder. And the problem is that she goes through extended periods where her medications "work" except for the occassional outburts of anger. The drinking is only once or twice a month but always ends badly.
The potential job out of town would actually put me in the same town with my parents and would have a family/structure support for the girls. My wife has no one here or any family that would help her anywhere.
Our youngest daughter also is scheduled for surgery in the next few weeks.
Any thoughts on whether I should postpone the filing a few weeks to get through job interviews and the surgery? or just suck it up and do it.
It is an extremely scary process. It was for me anyway. I truly thought at one point that my children were going across the country to another state with a lunatic mother on a court order. And this may very well have happened but for a suicide attempt by her and a judge who saw through collusion by her relatives, my kids' law guardian, and my ex-spouse's lawyer.
When you start the process, you talk to a lawyer or lawyers at no charge to understand whether you want to retain them or not to file. Once you retain them in my state, it will take 1 to several months for them to get all the facts straight that they want to present, write court papers and get them to the family court. There are some initial hearings etc. Scheduling those takes time as they notify your spouse, she has to respond etc etc. Some states are easier - I live in a state without no-fault divorce so someone has to be shown to be at fault and there have to be "grounds". A lawyer will explain all of this to you for your state.
So even if you start now looking for a lawyer, its going to take a while to file. If you have decided, I can see no reason to delay starting the process.
It will be VERY scary and VERY stressful. There are experts who say that there are 5 major stresses in life - moving/new job, marrying, divorcing, having a kid, and a death - and you should never do more than two at a time. Personally I found this one big enough to only want to do one at a time.
take care
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I have recommended G's posts to many people on this web. He comes around still once in a while. But he has summed up experiences with a bipolar well. You might find it helpful - I did.
You mentioned she has moments of clarity. So did mine. Mine was so incredibly convincing to lawyers, friends, family, etc about things that never happened, that there were periods of time that I was not so sure I was not the one who had lost touch with reality.
G's post says:
"- Divorce between Non-BP's and BP's is always painful, messy, and ugly - always. Non-BP's should prepare themselves for the most atrocious of accusations & the fight of their lives. BP's crave drama & action to feel alive, and the pain of divorce is like crack cocaine to them. They revel in it, and the formerly sweet BP man or BP woman that was your spouse will go for your jugular & do as much damage possible to cause the Non-BP pain, and fuel their own pain, including using children as battering rams & pawns to prolong the pain & serve their addiction to drama. A Non-BP must resolve themselves to be decisive & even cruel to the BP to quickly extract the children from the situation. Sorry I can't tell you there is an easy way to go about this, or that cooler minds will prevail. The courts are over-burdened, and BP's can be scarily convincing if the Non-BP has not gathered their facts in preparation."
I found this to be an incredibly accurate description of my experience. Be prepared.
Well, speaking of majory stressors....we've been together 7 years (marrired for 6). In that time, we have moved 4 times around the country for my job and twice had children less than 2 months prior to the move....so, we have seen it all. And this has clearly contributed to my wife's problems in managing her bipolar...having to find new doctors and new meds each time. Part of my guilt is that this has clearly played a role in effectively managing the illness. Could things have been better without the disruptions? Maybe. I clearly don't have it as bad as many folks do here. She has never left unannounced or disappeared. She doesn't spend days in the bed due to depression. For her, everything comes out as anger.
I struggle with my own guilt for the role the moves, etc may have played in her ability to get good treatment. or maybe that wouldn't have mattered at all.
I have found a very competent team of lawyers that will take the case and say they like my chances. I feel like I need a constant reminder of why I'm doing this. I feel guilty because I know it will put her in a downward spiral from which she may not recover.
I changed my appointment with the attorney until Monday at Noon est. I want to look at the differences in divorce laws between TN and Ohio. Might be worth getting to TN then divorcing where I will have family help and support. Or maybe I'm just trying to make an excuse and denying the inevitable. Of course, yet one more move will mean she starts over with meds, doctors, etc.
I think I need someone to drag me into the attorney's office.
Jsmith and I were discussing this guilt thing earlier this week. I know I can guilt myself out of the picture. If I had done this, if I had done that, if I hadn't done this etc. etc. etc. As for making excuses and denial, I have been separated for two years, and I still cannot bring myself to seriously consider a divorce. I went to see a lawyer, but she said "Clearly you aren't ready for this yet". I think part of my dilemma is that I keep thinking that I really don't know how much of a BP's bad behaviour is under their control. To some extent I feel like, if my husband had cancer I wouldn't leave him, so why am I leaving him because he has BP. I have read and researched extensively on BP but am still not sure what part of their behaviour is controllable and what is not. This, of course, contributes to the guilt we feel when we get to the point where we feel we can't do it anymore.
Thanks for weighing in on this. Maybe I should have picked a different login name...AtTheEnd sounded good but looks funny as "Ate"...lol.
Anyway, I don't think the cancer comparison works because it's unlikely cancer would make someone down right mean and abusive the way BP does. But I also struggle with how much is under their control. Probably more than they would admit.
BP's typically know when things are going bad or are about too....but yet most will not admit to someone else when it's happening. Maybe its a fear of admitting a loss of control. I don't know.
My wife has moments that can sometimes last for weeks without any blowups...but when she does it's pure rage. I admit my own faults and at times probably do things that don't make it easy for her not to be mad at me...even in other relationships I've had that didn't work with non-BP's there were problems...the difference was in how we handled them and how we each reacted to them.
My wife really wants to be well. She doesn't like feeling angry but rarely apologizes for it. she takes her meds, goes to therapy, and educates herself about her illness.
But despite all of that....she will tell lies to cover up an afternoon of drinking with her friends. I've had trust issues with her and she rarely goes out with her friends...but when she does she continually drinks to the point of oblivion...but in her mind...the occassional drunken stupor is okay even if it ends with her yelling and screaming at me. We partied a lot in the beginning of our relationship but we didn't know about the BP and she wasn't on the meds.
Maybe we'll spend some time talking this weekend...maybe it will make a difference. Maybe it wont.
Maybe I'm fooling myself out of fear of letting go. I can tell you that the hypersexuality can be one of the best things about BP...lol. As long as they aren't cheating. we've experimented together sexually and that's probably one of the reasons why I think she hasn't had an affair.
I'm really torn. She will be destitute if we divorce...her doctor restricts the number of hours she can work. Even with spousal support she can't afford a car, rent, utilties, insurance, medication, etc.
I plan to say the last of what I have to say to her this weekend....if she accepts it maybe it will change my plans for Monday. if she doesn't and has a blow up then it will at least confirm what I need to do. It's been a crazy week....I work all day and then have the girls at night while she works...so I haven't had any time to myself. I plan to take some this weekend and maybe have more clarity on Monday.
I will continue reading these postings as they help remind me of why a large part of me does want this to end.
And how do you stay separated for such a long period without divorce? what could be left of the relationship?
once I file I will want her out of my life as quickly as possible.
The worst part of all this for me, is I withdrew money from the 401k to pay the attorney because I was convinced earlier this week it was divorce. Now I can't put the money back and will be forced to take the IRS penalty when I file 2008 taxes next year. Oh well....
What state are you in? I am in Ohio. Will it be easy to subpoena medical records since her mental stability will be in question as part of the custody dispute?
She doesn't have money for an attorney so she would either have to use my attorney or represent herself. What happens if we make a proposal (which include me having custody) and she simply refuses or fails to show in court?
What do the courts do about fals allegations? I assumed that they would just simply ignore them once she could offer no proof.
It's going to be a long weekend. My wife doesn't work again until Sunday night. She'll either be on her best behavior or we will fight. If it's the latter the decision will be easy on Monday.
I think she's backing off wanting the divorce because she knows she won't have insurance or meds...which means she knows she's unlikely to get custody.
of course, she blames me for all of this and thinks I'm doing this to exerty power and control and that I'm just out to hurt her.
Sorry gone for the weekend to watch my son compete in sports. So slow reply. You have a lot of good questions. I am not familiar with Ohio laws. And I am not a lawyer. So most of these questions should go to one. Get one soon.
In my state, a divorce agreement can supercede a trial. Everything is negotiable except retirement account divisions. If both parties agree to a custody arrangement, it needs to be approved by the court. Once it is, all is fine. So its possible that could work in Ohio as well. Ultimately thats how my situation was worked out after much pain and expense. Attorneys (hers and mine) basically presented my ex with a document giving us joint custody but residence with me. Her attorneys realized that was the best deal she could get - she would do worse at trial with her mental health record and me passing the mental health test. Getting to that point was incredibly unpleasant for all, very destructive, but profitable for attorneys (particularly hers). She did wind up owing me child support, although it was for a fairly small amount compared to state recommendations and her salary - she made payments for a while till she lost jobs and was institutionilezed. Legally she still owes it to me though, but I have not pressed the issue.
Re false allegations: Think about it from the court's point of view. They hear some accusations from various parties. How can they know what is false or not? There are serious stereotypes in play and unfortunately as a male you are on the short end of those. Some courts will investigate allegations thoroughtly. Others are overburdened and go with the stereotypes (abusive husbands/victimized wives). In reality it is very difficult for anyone to know the truth except you and your spouse. Also in this process I have found "truth" to be a somewhat changeable and fleeting thing -dependant on perspective and convenience. It is likely that for convenience both you and your spouse will attest to some things being true that are not - just to simplify things.
Wanting a divorce..... backing off......then wanting one again. Been there. You will need to do what YOU want. It is an endless cycle if you don;t. Take charge. Make your life better. Take care of your kids. Make sure they are safe and have opportunities to succeed. Watch them for signs of the illness (they have a 1 in 5 chance of getting it). Figure out how to find energy when you have none. Learn to exist on 3 hours sleep. Hope your employer is understanding about abrupt time off for sick kids etc. If they aren't find one that is. It will get better eventually. But its gonna be bad for a while.
Get a lawyer soon who knows Ohio divorce law, fathers' rights, and bipolar.
I doubt that it is ethical for an attorney to represent both parties unless there is some sort of agreement you two have made - it may not even be ethical then. She can represent herself. Doubtful you can pay for an attorney for her to sue yourself.
In my state if she doesnt show in court, the judge doesnt like it but acts like she is there. My didnt show one time. Didnt look good for her. Its basically up to the judge though - and judges have personalities, opinions, and prejudices just like the rest of us. So who you get matters. And its always risky - you can't predict with 100% certainty how it will come out.
Mental health record subpeonas can be tricky. Federal HIPPA laws come into play. But a good lawyer knows how to do this if you give him/her the clues they need. There are ways around it so you yourself don;t get the records but lawyers and judges see them. The key phrase is always "danger to herself or others" If she is a danger to others - especially your kids, you win. Hands down. If she is a danger to herself only, maybe not so clear. Abandonment of previous kids is important. Get a lawyer. Tell him/her all this. A good one will be able to plan a course of action. They may challenge you to see if you are being truthful. But find a good one.
Take care and all the best
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