Bipolar Depression

In society there are unwritten laws about behavior and how we are supposed to act but when you have this mental illness its hard to follow these unwritten laws. I know I am different than a lot of people in my thought process and my temper and just me period. My behavior has changed a lot I not as violent but I have to work on it, it is a struggle for me not to just go to what I know and act like I would have 9 months ago but know one understands my friends my family they still think that Im the same way but they dont know how much I think before I react now that wasnt the case before I would just react without thinking about anything. This illness is taking over my life and anymore I feel like I cant handle it. I feel like such an outsider to everyone. I cant really explain what I go though no one understands. What can I do? A big part of me wants to give up so bad but I havent and I dont feel like me I feel like a character in a book that people are writting for me to rewrite who I am. If that makes any sense. I am lossing me and falling deeper into a depression and having more manic episodes than ever. I cry at night when no one is around because cring is a sign of weakness. I have a 2yr old son and he is the only one keeping me here on this earth because I have too much love for him but I shouldnt have to feel that way. To me my world is crashing around me and I keep digging and putting up beams to hold myself to keep my world from crashing. Does anyone else feel like this?? How do you deal with it?

just this morning on the way to work i thought out loud (cause i do this) that i am living but i am not alive. i don't want to be dead but i don't want to live anymore because inside i am not alive, just living. i tell this to folks who are supposedly "normal" and they don't get this, they are confused by what i say. i cry at night when things quiet down and i'm alone with my internal thoughts and it is dark because i'm not allowed to cry otherwise. if i do, i'm ridiculed so i get what you are saying. i also get the putting up beams but mine is like a big gaping profusely bleeding wound that i am trying to plug with a tiny weeny bandaid, only the bandaids get washed away in the blood and i'm afraid i'll go with one. i am also here only because i have a daughter that i love tremendously. some would say that was manipulative, those are the ones that just don't get it. i'm sorry you are in such a rough patch. i keep plodding along one foot in front of the other but somedays i fall on my knees and land on my face. after a few moments, or hours, i take a deep breath and struggle back up on my wobbly feet. i have to, otherwise the vultures (illness and folks that don't understand) circling will consume me.

Dont want to lock me up inside Lithium,dont want to forget how it feels without lithium,dont want to stay in love with my soul.God i want to let it go.come to bed dont make me sleep alone,couldnt hide the emptyness you got to let it show.never wanted to be so cold.you just didnt train enough to say you love me.I cant hold on to me,wonder whats wrong with me.Lithium Dont want to lock me up inside Lithium,dont want to forget how it feels without lithium,dont want to stay in love with my soul.I guess i forgive you after all,anything is better then to be alone.In the end i guess i have to fall,but always find my place among the ashes.I wont let it let me down this time and drown my will to fly,here in the darkness i know myself cant break free untill i let go,let me go.

Lossing myself is very hard and and the way that I can act with the anger that I feel towards people and trying to not be that way I feel like Im losing me. I dont know if its a good thing bc the person I was she was evil and Im not really that person I still have the anger and rage that I feel towards certain people but I believe in KARMA and today they are really miserable but Im happy because she she feel that abashed that she caused me and others. Do I have a right to feel this way?? who knows.