Bipolar Depression

I was stupid. I was so stupid.

Ever since my divorce in 2001, I had been keeping romantic entanglements a mile away from me. See, I knew what it would do to me as a struggling bipolar--I'd lose sight of what life I'd managed to create for myself and the emotional impact would be catastrophic.

So there I was, chugging along and relatively happy with my life. What happens? I meet a man who seemed to want me just as I was. I was so convinced that I tossed my inhibitions and entered into an intense relationship.

It lasted about three months before the weekend he fell off the face of the earth, nursing his own problems in drink as I found out later. As much as I loved him, I knew I couldn't have his drinking in my life. And then my own life went to pieces.

I remain obsessed both with the man and with the events that tore us apart. He will not speak to me--indeed, he seems to loathe me. Because I know so little of what went on and what's been happening to him since, my mind is locked on the matter.

Well, I knew this would happen, and it did. So in addition I'm kicking myself for not heeding my own advisories. I'd give anything for a chance to go back in time and warn myself--who among us wouldn't?

It's all gotten so sick and twisted in my mind that I don't even know where to start a healing process. I'm sad and glum and the world has gone monochrome. It's all I can do to restrain myself from going to his house and demanding an accounting on the premise that closure might help me.

Oh, right. I'm 38. This kind of relationship stuff is bad enough when you're a teenager...but when you're looking at forty?

Ugh.

Thank you fo letting me vent.

Raven

Hi raven, i have bipolar too and its not fun. The healing process is long but talking to people helps me. I have no idea what happened to your marriage but you will be fine there is a purpose we dont know what it is yet but there is. tom

Please never call yourself stupid. It is not fair to yourself. You did not know .. you were confused .. maybe you were not well at the time. But not stupid. And when bad news goes away .. well, that is actually good news. He drinks. That is bad news. Who needs it? If you go to him seeking closure, you will get more confusion. It is like going to a dry well for a drink of water, and being upset it is still dry. Just don't go there anymore. He cannot help you. So what if he loathes you? .. he probably loathes himself. He has his own problems. You do not nneed him to love you, for you to love yourself. Take care of yourself .. just focus on self care. You can do this!