Bipolar Depression

This is long I know but I know not else to do.
I have no other support system.

My life is such an utter mess. I feel that I am in what we called at the MH clinic "in crisis". Things are going to fast for me to catch up. I'm not able to say no and yet things keep coming at me.

What family I did have is now mad at me. Why? because my older sister said that should my daughter & I lose our home (very real possibility) that we could come live with her. HOWEVER, she needed to point out to my attention that we were welcomed to come it would be such a horrendous burden on her and her family and cause such disruption. However, we could stay if we were in "dire need states" but that she wouldn't apologize for telling me we'd be a burden.

Just what I needed to know. Not only does my BP brain tell me I am a useless worthless burden to my family - then I have my family telling me I am literally. So, I got upset.

My dad thinks I should stay with my emotionally and mentally abusive husband of 17 years because "you need him". What he doesn't want is me coming to stay with him - my goodness what an obligation.

My younger sister lives her pretty life in a suburb of a major nearby town with her loving and adoring husband and special child and doesn't have room or the time to allow us to stay. Why not go stay with dad or the other sister? We'll help you move.

I wouldn't have been upset if my older sister had just said "You can come stay with us, it'll be hard, but we'll be okay until you get back on your feet" and just left it at that.

Now neither I, my dad, or my 2 sisters are speaking and I've been warned to not "burn my bridges" and "who else would ride this BP life with you for as long as it takes? You need us."

I have felt suicidal for a while now. Perhaps I should just lay my head down and close my eyes then I wouldn't be a burden or trouble for anyone anymore.

I am so very tired of this life, so very very tired of the illness that won't go away, so tired of trying to please everyone and failing every time. I am just so tired.

I kind of know how you feel. My situation is a bit different. I on the one hand have the support of my family for the most part. My wife is like wonder woman! But over the last couple days, I've been crashing very hard. One of the things going through my wild BP manic mind is that she would be so much better without me. She has put up with me for the last seven years now. She works hard at her job, takes care of me, does all my medications. She has kept this family together.

She will emphatically deny anything to the effect that she would be better of with out me. But today I wasn't so convinced.

I to am very tired. Tired of trying. Tired of going to the doctor, as we did this evening, and trying new meds. Nothing seems to work any more.

I too have thought of closing my eyes and never waking up. I now believe that is not the answer. Even in your situation where your family is rather out spoken about your BP and you being a burden on them. Trust me, if you were to take things into your own hands and change the odds, death being the victor, you would lose and so would your family and the other people in your life. God has a plan! I proise.

Get some sleep. Eat right over the next several days. Good food! and exercise. Get out of the house. Get the good chemicals in the brain moving. This disease is part biological, part genetic and part environmental.

I'll pray for you tonight.

jt

Thanks JT:

I need all the prayers I can. You see I have just finished taking my oh 13th Ativan tablet. I've been taking them in stages since 7pm last night. I think I am done for this day. Not sure about later.

Father verry angry wants my stomah pumped, Older sister is angry because how dare you, husband wants no part of it at all - doesn't surprise me - he wanted no part of it when I tried to tell him I was sexually molested as a teenager. It wasn't his fault, he didn't do it, what does it have to do with them? Same result.

My little one though was the witness for the first half and that i am eternally sorry for. She was taken to my sister's who is angry but at least she is out of it for now.

All my life I was to shut up and do what I was told because I didn't matter. Just do what you are told and not to make any fusses. So all my life I've struggle to do so and it just now makes my soul so very tired and my spririt that was crushed scream out in pain. And I'm so tired of this that just never gets better but that no two docs can agree I have.

I just want to be happy whatever that is, to feel sunlight on my face and feel its warmth not its burn. Just once and savor it.

I'm sorry, thank you for praying for me. You are so very kind.
Marie

You are in my prayers as well.

Life really does have a way of dealing us too many lemons. I am hoping that by the time you read this you have found some relief. It sounds like it is a good thing that your little one went to your sisters, so you can try and focus on yourself & your needs. Family support is important, but as you said it sometimes has a way of making us feel like a burden, either implied or spoken. But sometimes we have to step forward and do it in order to get our feet under us. Staying with your sister & her family maybe the wisest thing at this point. You certainly don't need the negative and grief that you are getting from your husband.

Try to stay strong & be good to yourself.