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It has been awhile since I last posted. The last time I did I was seeking advice regarding new employment. Well, I had new employment and now I don't. I also had a "up" period and now I don't.
I started my new job during an "up" period which was a good thing, the job itself was not. Yet I tried really hard, bestus I could, yet the job just wasn't working out. The longer I tried to make it work the more the "down" side came till now I can't sleep anymore yet I'm exhausted, I am tearful all the time, and have been having daily anxiety attacks for 2 weeks now. I also had a full blown panic attack in a hair salon just last week.
So, as of today, I didn't return to the job this morning because it shouldn't be that hard and yet my family (which some of you know from previous posts aren't the most supportive bunch in the group) is now mad at me because I'm not going and had little income to start with. So, I have the guilt on top of everything.
I have my 2nd appt. with my new therapist tomorrow and the 1st one didn't go too well. Perhaps it will be better tomorrow. My 1st appt. with my new Pdoc is in November so until then I still have no meds and I'm just drowning once again.
I am trying but am not making or holding any ground and this new wave of depression is coming on fast and hard which scares me because I've already tried to stop everything in August. Each attempt gets closer and closer and I'm afraid, at this moment, that I may actually succeed.
Plus oddly enough I'm craving a Rum and Coke each night and yet I do not drink. Honestly I am a tee-totaller and yet I want one so very badly. 2 years ago I spent 6 weeks drinking one each night when I had a lot of anxiety. I quit because I realized why I was drinking them. Yet now I want to start all over again.
Hang in there. I hope your appointment with the therapis went better than you expected. Remember, the depression will lift so you need to ride it out. I know that's hard to believe when you're in the middle of it.
I'm so sorry the new job didn't work out for you, and that your family is not more sympathetic. I hope you get some help from the therapist and also some better meds.
I did have my appt. today. It was a bit better than the last but still awkward. He did say something that sort of hit me later while in the grocery store that I had apparently developed a coping mechanism that when I am in pain but don't want to let others know I tend to laugh it off. I had to agree with that. Anyway, I started crying in the grocery store because I am in pain but do not feel safe to let others know (outside cyberspace).
He also suggested I attend a Depression/Anxiety group that their clinic held on Wednesdays. He said it wasn't a Bipolar group but perhaps would give me some support until their DBT classes started in December. I said I'd try it, that it was better than nothing, and right now I have nothing. So I am to start next Wednesday.
I know that the depression will eventually lift yet as you know - once you are in the thick suffocating darkness - it is so hard to remember that. It just drains and exhausts me and each time it hits it takes more and more out of me. I just really don't know how much more I can take of it. There isn't much more left of me for it to take.
Are you asking if anyone is still awake because you posted at 4am or are you asking if anyone is still awake because the discussion between myself and Lynne bores you?
I realize I may be a wee bit more sensitive to things right now but... I am and well was just inquiring.
