Bipolar Depression

I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder for just over a year now. When I was first diagnosed, it was such a relief to finally find out what was wrong and to take medicine and have symptoms that I have had for years clear up. I suppose I was on a little pink cloud and felt high because it seemed that my troubles were finally over.

However, reality reared it's ugly head just as it always does and I found though my problems have improved, that they haven't magically disappeared. I have found that even though I am doing better than I have ever thought possible, my idea that the playing field would now be leveled and that I would only have the problems that everyone else has was a mistaken one.
Because I am simply not able to respond to the everyday ups and downs of life like the average person. It's like....what would make someone else sneeze makes me get pneumonia and need to go on bedrest for 6 weeks. It's hard to admit that you are defeated, but eventually it's something that you need to accept so that you can assess the damages and decide where you will go from here.

One thing that I think that anyone reading this who is bipolar will understand is that though our disease is thought of as emotional, it is actually a physical disease that causes emotional symptoms. So, I'm sure you will understand what I mean when I say sometimes I just don't feel good. Though it mainly affects my moods it also results in my having such in decreased energy level, this almost insurmountable feeling of lethargy. My thought processes become slightly disjointed because I am thinking about too many things at once, even though my energy level is decreased, my thoughts just drone on and on endlessly. We have to deal with all of the chemicals in our bodies and how this makes us feel, sort of run-down like you have a mild case of the flu, listless. I become less effective and everything spirals down. But life, life is fast, it doesn't wait for me to feel better, it just keeps marching on. Or trampling on, at least that's how it feels sometimes.

Every night I become energized and think of all the things I will do in the morning, then morning comes and I can hardly force myself to do a thing. My circadian rythyms mare so screwed up that I may do better on a completely different planet.

All of this may be gotten through, but it certainly doesn't feel good. I'm in trouble on my job....AGAIN! They see that something is up with me though they have no idea what. At first they seemed to think that I just wasn't interested in doing a good job and I was being careless because I don't really give a chit. Now they seem to realize that there is something else wrong but they don't know what. I'm sure all of you can relate to this too. Appearing odd to other people and knowing that you can't talk to them about it. Even if they are nice, even if they try to understand, they just can't. I feel tired of being along with this. I'm always alone with it.

I tried going to a therapist and he just didn't understand. It was then that I realized that probably only other people who are bipolar can truly understand you.

And here is something else. Suppose I were blind...(God forbid.) No-one would have any trouble helping me make my was around a new place, admitting that I couldn't drive etc....They can see that I am blind, they can understandc what this means. But I have another and yes I will call it a disability based on the simple fact that the playing field is not level for me though granted, I am better off than some other people. But if I tell people what I need, they seem to feel that they are being taken advantage of. They can't see what is wrong with me, they have to go by my word which requires trust which is something so many people have trouble with. Plus, this makes them view you as high-maintenance...a big no-no. And yes, I am high maintenance but so worth it.

But do you ever get tired of struggling on without support? Do you ever get tired of knowing that if you talk about the way that you feel that people will probably just view you as whiny so you don't say anything and you try to hold it in. But as I can only hold things in until the next mood, will usually end up making an ass out of myself one way or another. Do you ever get tired of feeling like you have a problem that many other people don't even believe is real? Does that ever make you feel like you aren't real? Do you ever get sick of the fact that you have to just shut up about it because there isn't anyone who would understand anyway? But it's such a big thing that you can't not think about it.

Has anyone noticed that I am 'just a little' depressed.

Have u ever discussed these feelings with your wife? I know that sometimes people can open up to sites like these and ask for advice but can't even open up to the ones they are suppose to love...