Bipolar Depression

I know I post a lot on this message board. I look through and see my name a lot. I try to offer compassion to others as I feel the need to and yet I still can't seem to get out of my own mess. I'm sorry for all the postings and yet I have another and wonder if anyone else get this also.

Right now I am having my "tape" running and yes, it is all negative. Sometimes the negative "intrusive thoughts" as the Pdocs call them run so high and so hard and so fast that I literally scream "shut up, shut up, leave me alone" because it just beats on me and beats on me.

This happens at the very beginning of a bad depressive episode and then hits again with a vengenance during the "darkness" period, when I am in the tunnel so to speak. Yet I am still in the middle of a bad episode so I don't quite get it.

As the years go by, my depressive periods tend to take on new methods of operation as to speak, they are getting worse and lasting longer. Not sure how much more I can take the waves over and over and longer and longer.

I can't seem to get it out of my head and it exhausts me and makes me agitated, and almost like a high pitch buzzing in my head feeling that I then have to take a sedative or two to bring down the level of intensity. Not get rid of it, just bring it down a notch or two.

All the guilt and worthlessness and even more the hopelessness I feel just crashing sometimes 24/7 and yet... I make it through one more day (though I did do the overdosing thing a week ago).

Worse yet, I now have to meet up with an all new therapist and yet another new Pdoc and I am just so utterly exhausted of having to go through eveything and each being different what they'll "label me" me as this time.

I just cry and cry for no reason, haven't slept a full good night in 3 1/2 weeks and I just can't seem to crawl up out of this - this time.

I am so very sorry for being such a downer, I wish I could be "up" as much as for myself as I try to do for others but then others are far more significant than I.

Marie

Hi Marie,

How about this idea....think up something nice to say on your tape..start practicing it as much as you can..even if you feel like you are lying to yourself at first...the more you say it, the more it will drown out the "bad tape"

I think we all have to think about something.... How about "I take good care of myself"

I know where you are coming from. Get out of that pool .. Go to the beach.. You know what I mean?

Hello Active:

You are a newbie here. Glad to have you. I was going through the responses to some of my postings from a few days back.

I'd love nothing else but to get out of the pool and go to the beach. Would you have the directions as to where the ladder is to climb out and the road map to the beach that I've not already tried after 30 years?

Oh and do you have a flashlight, candle, even a trapped lighting bug that I can use when you find it so that I can see my way out of the pool and to the beach? Would love a nice fall tan right about now.

Do I sound peeved? In some ways I am. I express what I am feeling at the moment here on this forum. I get some replies and to others they sit for days - much like some others that no one wants to even touch with a toothpick.

Some BPs are in the upwards position of their beach recliners staring at the ocean and congratulations. Some of us are buried under the sand being eaten alive by sand critters and can't get above to find the recliner and wash off.

So thought I realize that you really took the time and care to respond, and I sincerely do appreciate it - I do. I'm trying to get out and go, I just can't find me footing right now and my tank is out of gas.

Marie

MARIE,
I DO WISH I HAD SOMETHING POSITIVE TO SAY TO YOU, WHEN YOU REPLY TO MY THOUGHTS YOU HAVE HELPED ME AND I JUST WISH I COULD HELP YOU.
THOSE FEELINGS THAT YOU FEEL THEM TO I BATTLE DAY IN AND DAY OUT WITH THIS ILLNESS AND NO ONES UNDERSTANDS THEY TRY TO BUT THEY DONT. ITS A EVERYDAY STRUGGLE FOR ME DO YOU FEEL THAT? I GET FROM OTHERS THAT THIS ILLNESS IS A BIG JOKE AND ITS SOMETHING THAT WE JUST NEED TO GET PAST. I FEEL LIKE I BATTLE TWO PEOPLE INSIDE MY MIND I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS ANGRY AND RAGE I FEEL ALL THE TIME AND THE OTHER HALF DEAL WITH THE UPS AND DOWNS OF THIS ILLNESS. I FEEL THAT MY WORLD IS CRASHING AROUND ME AND THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. I PUT THE FAKE SMILE ON AND ACT LIKE EVERYTHING IS OKAY IN MY LIFE BUT DEEP DOWN I AM HURTING SO BAD.
I CRY AND CRY TO BUT THE REASON IS I FEEL LIKE A BIG DISSAPOINTMENT TO MY FAMILY AND SON AND TO MYSELF. AND ITS A BIG STRAIN ON MY FAMILY AND MOST DAYS I WISH I WOULD GO TO SLEEP AND JUST NEVER WAKE UP.
IF YOU DONT MIND WHEN YOU FOUND OUT HOW LONG DID IT TAKE YOU TO ACCEPT IT IF YOU HAVE ACCEPTED IT?
IM A 24 YR OLD SINGLE MOM WHO HAS A 2 YR OLD SON AND I WONDER THAT HE MIGHT BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND IT HURTS ME SO BAD TO SAY IT I JUST WANT IS BEST FOR HIM AND MAYBE THAT ISNT ME. MAYBE HE WOULD BE BETTER OFF BEING RAISED BY MY PARENTS WHO ARE SANE. I JUST DONT HAVE THE STRENGTH.

I am new to this site. I have just been diagnosed with bipolar disease although I have feared it practically all my life.

My story is very long and not really of any importance but I did want to reply to your posts here as I have felt and experienced much of the same things that you mention. I feel utterly worn out ....worn out from MYSELF!!! of all things. I really connected with your statement of wanting to just go to sleep and not wake up. I feel like this most days. Everything is so unclear...thoughts racing and telling me that I am worthless...I feel constant guilt and have many inappropriate feelings of irritability and anger.
I feel that no one understands me ---that there is no hope. I was raised to have a strong faith in God. I have recently been trying to regain faith that I feel I had lost and gain a closer relationship with God. I pray for deliverance everyday. I feel more hopeful knowing that God is there.
I know I am rambling....although I am stricken with strong emotions of sorrow when reading your posts...it was suprisingly reassuring...that I wasnt alone in my thoughts. I pray that we all keep holding onto the hope of a brighter day.

Marie, you're a rare person, one who can selflessly offer comfort to many who are hurting. I don't have that skill, I wish I did.

Heartfelt thoughts and prayers for a quick cycle back up.

I am late to reply. I am a n00b to this site, but not to BP (diagnosed 11 years ago). I fully understand everything you said. I am one to always offer my support to others. It is so easy to become the person who everyone wants there to help, but they just dont think that that person would ever need help or support themselves.

I am a Type II rapid cycler and can experience very long lasting bouts of devistating depression. Those unwanted intrusive racing thoughts are the worst. I have them nearly constantly, especially the suicidal type. Nothing can ruin a great day like the sudden "you could just enbd it all right here" thought.


I really dont know where I am going with this, but I am willing to lend a helping ear. It may be the blind leading the blind, but I am glad to help.