Bipolar Depression

Here's my story:
My husband and I live in Sun City, Arizona. He's retired, and I'm unemployed. We both have issues with being able to let things go. I know that I am definitely energetically blocked. I had an extremely violent childhood which included losing my virginity at 9. At 23, I was gang raped while on a trip to Guatemala. I was extremely bulimic from age 23 until being treated at age 33. Then in my late 30's I developed bi-polar disorder with psychotic features. I'm completely normal now and have been stable since mid 2000 when I was committed to a state hospital and medicated. Don't get me started on the horrors of state hospitals where treatment consists of medication. End of story. Therapy, you say? Not in the state hospital in which I was committed. I've never been so bored in my life. I spent almost 6 months there, but still thank God for medication. I am also a recovering alcoholic. The years that I was actively ill, I had delusions of being raped several times a day by devils. I thought that I was dead and in hell. I thought that my entire family was lost to me, and that the people I sometimes talked to were devils pretending to be my loved ones in order to torture me. I thought that all my food and water was poisoned and resorted to drinking rain water and my own urine to survive. I would slam my head against the wall to get the devils off of me. I broke off the handle of a steak knife and taped it between my legs so that the devils would be hurt when raping me. It was quite a traumatic situation.

I feel that I've dealt with most of my traumatic past at this point. I did a lot of sharing in AA meetings and had a few months of counseling when I got out of the hospital. Now, I'm up usually around 5 and walk my dog with my husband. I go regularly to my health club for yoga and step aerobics and weight training. I am very happy with my diet. My problem is feeling unable to get my space organized. I once organized my mother's whole house during a month long manic episode. These days, it's hard to get motivated. My husband, having been very poor as a child, also finds it hard to let go of things. I also think my blockages are preventing me from finding a new career. I was a flight attendant for almost 25 years. When I became ill, I was too sick to fill out my private insurance paperwork for disability. My company (Delta) placed me on a medical leave with no benefits. Since I got out of the hospital, I tried mightily to get my job back. All of my doctors said that I could return to work, but Delta's doctor disagreed. Every year since 2000 I have asked to be re-evaluated to see if I could return to flight status. Every year I was denied. In January, they sent me a letter informing me that I was fired since I had been on leave too long. They did at some point give me a number to call to see about getting a job on the ground. I called and the lady I spoke with said "Why don't you just quit?" Then she informed me that there were no positions at that time. When I had gotten out of the hospital back in Virginia where I was living at the time of my active illness, I had gone to live with my mother and step-father because I lost everything due to my illness. One evening I said to my mother "Mother, you're drunk." My step-father gave me two weeks to move out. That's when I moved to Arizona to live with my sister in Glendale. I love living here so that any possibility of a ground position with Delta would have surely meant that I would have had to move. If I could have gotten my flight position back, I could have commuted to Los Angeles as I commuted to the New York base while living in Arlington, Virginia. That's why I didn't really pursue trying to get a job on the ground. I speak 5 languages fairly fluently and have a degree in International Studies with honors from the School of International Service at American University. However, I had been an international flight attendant for so long, I didn't have a clue as to what I could pursue when I arrived in Arizona. I wound up working as a server at Outback Steak House for almost a year. Feeling secure in that job, I let it slip that I was bi-polar. The next day, I came into work to discover the new schedule posted on the wall. My work week had been cut from 5 days to 2 days. The manager and I were the only ones on the premises at that time as I was in early to open. I told him point blank that I thought this was discrimination and he said "You're fired." When I applied for unemployment benefits, he claimed that I had walked off the job so that I had to fight to get my benefits. Later, I found a job as a server at the Olive Garden. After 6 months there, I was talking with another server one day who told me that her sister was bi-polar. I told her that so was I. A couple days later I had a complaint from a customer and was fired. I think she might have told management about my illness. I then found a job with Black Angus where I worked without problems for 2 years. I met my husband while working there. When I moved to Arizona, I had been sober for 12 years. Even when I was ill, I kept pointing out to God that I didn't deserve to be in hell, because I had overcome bulimia, marijuana use when very young and alcoholism. When I was training at Outback, I was told I had to sample their specialty drinks to work there. I told them that I didn't drink, but the trainer more or less indicated if I wanted to work there I had to try their product in order to be familiar with it and sell it. I thought to myself that I should be able to handle it with so many years of sobriety under my belt. Boy was I wrong. Within days of tasting alcohol again, the craving was back and I started drinking in the evenings after my shifts hiding it from my sister. I never drank before or during work only after work. I averaged between a bottle and a bottle and a half of wine a night. When I met my future husband, I was a full blown active alcoholic. He agreed to pay for out-patient treatment for me. Black Angus told me they couldn't guarantee the 3 mornings a week off that I would need. The supervisor who told me this was a woman who I believe didn't like me because I could speak fluent Spanish with the kitchen staff and she couldn't speak word one. Alcohol was killing me. I gave my 2 week notice. I've been sober now since May 15 of 2006. The first year I spent going to a lot of meetings. My husband supported me. The 2nd year I seriously applied for server positions, but I believe I was unsuccessful because I'm now 53 and most restaurants want 20 year olds. Plus on my work history, I was fired from 2 serving jobs, and that doesn't look good. Also, I'm conflicted about working around alcohol. Anyway that's the situation in a nutshell. We aren't paupers, but if anything were to happen to my 76 year old husband, I couldn't count on his social security until 65 and in the event of his death his pension payments would cease. I need to find a new direction and getting my space clear, I think, would open my world up. I just feel so blocked that I'm not moving forward. I'm on geodon, and it works great for me. Of course I worry about developing tardive dsykenisia or diabetes, but what choice do I have? I still have mild highs and lows. I have to be careful with the highs though as I tend to spend too much money, but it's mostly manageable. I do miss the full blown manic episodes. That was the greatest feeling in the world. I know it was dangerous, but boy did I enjoy it. Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read this rather lengthy missive. I might even post this on a couple of other websites to let people know of the discrimination that exists against the mentally ill.