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Hello, Most of the posts I have seen here have been from the spouse, partner or family of someone with BP. I feel a bit strange in this new place. I have a dx of Bipolar (I don't remember I or II). From what I understand I have been "this way" all of my life. But that's not what this is about. Four years ago I became seriously depressed. Since that time I have been on nearly every med for BP and depression other than MAOI and tricyclics. I have been in "the hospital" twice (I admitted myself both times). I have been in therapy through nearly all of that time as well. I have been suicidal, but have not made an attempt over most of this time. My wife of now 16 years has stood by me through this entire battle. I know it has been, well, nearly impossible for her. We have 4 children, 2 with pretty severe health/life conditions themselves - so needless to say things have been difficult. Because of (mainly) the meds, I don't even remember my last child being born, and have had very difficult time accepting her has mine, though I love her very much and trust my wife implicitly. I don't understand where this. Over the last four years I have wanted to leave many times, but I never have gone anywhere more than just walking across town. My BP has been mostly in the depressed state with I have a dx of Major Depression as well - in addition to several other psych dx as well as other medical dx. As I was getting around to, I am depressed most of the time but I also have horrible, horrible rages. I have lashed out at everyone in my household as well as family outside the house. The rages aren't intentional on my part and are generally unprovoked when compared to the response I give. They're kids, and my wife who has taken on almost all responsibility in our house and deals with the bills and other business because of how those set me off. For the last year or two (I don't remember - thank you ECT) my wife have been in marriage therapy together, which has helped tremendously.
The last few months have been more difficult than most. I have essentially given up any hope of the meds helping. As of today I haven't stopped taking most of them, but am pretty close. I have some medical issues that keep me taking some very specific medications and if I don't take them I get more sick. At this point I am done fighting my insurance company and my doctor (primary, not psych) to get the meds right, so I won't take what gets dispensed or written correctly. I have been unable to drive for about two years after we determined that I was having some kind of seizure and I almost killed myself and my two oldest sons. Killing myself wouldn't be so bad, but I don't want to cause injury to anyone else. I refuse to drive with anyone else now and when I rarely do it's late at night and not more than two miles.
I grew up in a household of abuse and don't want my kids to feel that any more than they need to. I am tired of putting my family through this nightmare. The suicidality is pretty high, all leave it at that. My wife says she is still "hopeful", though clearly stressed out. What I think I want to do (aside from any suic.) is to leave the house and my family. With little income over the last 4 years, we are barely scraping by, so I don't know how to do this financially. I don't want to leave my kids - but moreso I don't want them to grow up feeling I have left them. I honestly believe they are the reason I am still here. I haven't had the strength to say goodbye.
Can anyone out there with experience in this offer some advice?
My apologies but I left something out. My rages have had very rapid onset end tend to be very verbal in nature. I have thrown things and even punched a couple of holes in walls. All of this is terribly embarrasing to say, but doesn't touch the feelings I have after I have done them. I have never done been physically violent with anyone during these rages. Those who know me describe me as being "gentle", so this behavior is truly uncharacteristic.
Well I can offer something I have Bipolar where I have rage problems and they are really bad. I'm 24 and a single mother and my rages where getting so out of control and than thats how they determined I was bipolar I am on 200 mg of Lamictal which has helped all lot with rage and I also do other things like workout all the time becasue that will release a lot of angry help with the serotin release and everything else and it really seems to be helping me. I meditate to and that seems to work I also do muay thai its a tpye of fighting style anything to keep me busy and staying active and I have been out and havent fought with anyone and I have been more calm maybe try that. Get back to me to see how it works for you or if you want some kind of routine.
Dear Still here, I am 32 and have never been diagnosed with BP but I strongly feel that I may need to be. I have many of the same symptoms you described. I just know that I find strength in my children and sometims i feel that if i did not feel that they needed me I wouldnt even be here today. So I struggle along with my mood swings and try to remind myself to keep control and remember that I am important in others lives. It saddens me, and I will pray for us both and hope that one day we may be at peace the way God intended for us to be. God Bless and seek happiness
