Bipolar Depression

Hello ,reading your words makes me feel like I am not alone for the first time in a real long time.My husband has been formally diagnosed for about 8 months now,and went to rehab for alcohol 1 and half yrs ago.The drinking stopped and all hell broke lose!The ups and downs grrr.
He is on Lith and Lamictal complains about it constantly as we speak he is sound asleep since about 6:00 pm meanwhile slept off and on all day today .I am going to lose my freakin mind
We also have children and we run a businees or I should say I run a business.He is goo for two week clips then unravels for about a week then we start the cycle all over again.

Gracie:

The smoking pot is pretty popular amoung BP's as they're self-medicating. I'd notice my SO very lethargic, unhappy, etc. until he'd get some pot into him. Until then he'd be very antsy, didn't know what to do w/ himself. He'd count down the minutes until he could light one up. Then the world was a better place. For everyone 'cept me. Then he'd be moving around the house, starting one thing, then another. Talking like a lunatic. This is when he felt good. About an hour or two later, lethargy set in. Have to go smoke some more. Oh yeah, let's have about 10 beers too!!

One nite, while I was asleep, he stayed up until 5:00 a.m. smoking and drinking by himself. When I woke up and found him he said "Oh, you're still awake?" I said, "No, YOU'RE still awake??????" He said "Yeah, I started smokin' and forgot what time it was."

Anyway, you'll see alot of us talk about self-medicating on these posts. They seem to think it makes them feel better, when in reality it makes them worse. All the while, we're "controlling" them b/c we say something about it!

There have been times when I almost fell for the "what's-the-harm-in-it-I'm-self-medicating" line but thast might be true if there were no other options (and, of course, alcohol comes into the picture, as well-- although that seems to be under control now).

He may feel better when he smokes but he has no idea how it gradually changes him into a lazy, careless, unkempt person. I should have recognized the signs this time but I was stupid enough to think he would never hurt me that way again. I don't care to have illegal substances in my house on top of everything else.

I am really blessed that I have found you guys to talk to you. It's nice to know that someone out there knows exactly what I am going through. Last night was so strange (or is that normal?) I got home and we didn't talk at all, then he and our son go to my mom's to pick up something and when they come home, he asks me to come with him because he found a house that he really likes and wants to see if I like it to so we can go and talk with the bank about buying it????? I went, and I did really like the house. We get home and he stays outside most of the night. I fix dinner, he comes in and eats, we watch television and then I go and read to our son. Afterwards, after the day we had, I decided to go bed early (its about 9:30pm). He comes in the bedroom after I go to bed and gets his pillow and a blanket and says that he is going to sleep on the couch, that he doesn't want to talk to me. He ended up coming in the bedroom about 3:00am. I don't know what is going on with him. Is it an episode?
I stopped myself from going out there and trying to reason with him. I figured it would only cause more arguements and I am tired of the fights. That must have shocked him, because I am always chasing after him, trying to make him feel better and I'm just not doing it anymore. I was nice this morning and went in and kissed him goodbye and told him we were leaving. He just rolled over and didn't say anything (but if I didn't do it, it woulda started a fight today). I want to call and see how he is, but I don't want to fight. Grrrr.....how do I do this?

Rebbajo, I would just like some peace. When I told my SO to leave last week, I was totally fine on my own-- until I accidentally bumped into him at the supermarket. I refused to talk to him and, afterwards, all the bad feelings and the anxiety returned. So, it seems that the best way for me is to just be away from it all.

However, it is my responsibility now, especially until his meds take hold. After that, who knows? He is more like my son now so maybe if I look at it like that and maybe if he "behaves" we can work it out some accommodation-- especially since we have a business together.

P.S. Remember that irritability can be a part of an episode. I can usually recognize my SO's "up" episodes when he gets obsessed by something (new this or new that)-- and it's like an avalanche that can't be stopped until the thing has been obtained. Could that be what's going on with your guy looking at the new houses to buy? If you like the house can you afford to buy it on your own?

Hi Everyone:

I can't be of much help today. I shaking so much I almost can't type this.

I left work early and was on my way home when I saw my ex-SO driving ahead of me heading toward our house. We haven't spoken in over 6 weeks. He had surgery last Wed. and I knew he was laid up from it and not coming here when I was at work. My break is over I guess.

I drove really slowly toward the house shaking so much and not knowing what to expect or do. When I got here, his car wasn't here (WHEW!) I parked in the driveway and hurried inside and locked the doors. About one minute later, he drove by from the other direction. His car is still painted all over w/ flourescent bright paint referring to 357 handguns. I guess still manic.

I don't know if his intentions were to come here while I'm not here, or was it just to drive by? Maybe just wanted some more clothes -I don't know anymore!! I'm so afraid that one of these days he's going to do something horrible to the house. My 13 y/o daughter lives here w/ me full time.

I called the lawyer and told her what just happened. She's starting today the process to legally serve him to get his name off the house. First, she has a person to find him so we know where to serve him. I'm so scared that this is going to make him snap, but I have to do it. He used to work in law enforcement and has always been very good at hiding and keeping underground when he wants to. As odd as this will sound, being found (or outsmarted) is going to really, really piss him off.

The lawyer said I can't file any restraining orders because he hasn't threatened harm or done harm to me. In our state there's a little known law that deals w/ psychological and emotional abuse, but only if you're married.

I'm going to stay home much longer than I intened to. I fully expect him to be back w/in the hour thinking I would have left to go back to work. Then my daughter will be home and he knows what time she gets here. He won't come here when she's here.

Sorry to rant, but I'm so scared.

Karen;
Please let us know how you are doing. I hope that you are alright. My SO has decided that after all the fighting and everything, he is going to leave me. Of course it is all my fault, I am a horrible person. He has done nothing but try and try with me and I am just not doing what is necessary to change. I'll admit that over the past few months, I haven't tried as much as I used to. So maybe in a way, he is right. But I've been living with this for ten years and I don't want to live this way anymore. Will it make things easier if I just take responsibility and say "you're right, It's not you it's me" He is just so very angry, that is what is bothering me the most. I was niave enough to think that we could just decide to walk away from each other and do it calmly and without all the hatred that he has been spewing at me the past couple of hours. It is such a relief that some decision has been made though. I'll be glad when it is over.

Rebbajo:

You sound relieved, and I can understand why. You know, it really doesn't matter who blames who for what. The important thing is that you're getting on with it. But don't be surprised if he changes his mind along the way. BP or not, my ex would not accept that I was leaving him, and the next minute he wanted me to. It was such a stressful time.

I would act fast though and have a plan now on who moves out, and if it's you, where to go. I think if you don't move quickly, there's too much of a chance that things will change again.

I'm doing okay right now. I went back to work. I think my co-workers think I'm losing my mind. They don't have any idea the hell I'm living in right now.

While I was home, a friend stopped by. He said he got a text message from my SO on Saturday saying that he was in alot of pain from his surgery on Wed. He would not say where he was staying. However, he did tell this friend 2 wks. ago that he was staying w/ a couple of friends in a certain town. When I heard this today from him, I know EXACTLY who he's with and where. I told my lawyer so we don't have to look to hard to find him.

My friend is coming over in little while and we're packing all his sh** up and putting it in the garage and shed. The lawyer said to then send an email letting him know. This is going to be when the crazier stuff will start to happen. Right now, I really believe he's manic, and thinks that I'll just leave everything alone and let him come back when he's ready. This will send him over the edge I'm afraid. He will be homeless and penniless. I really do feel bad, but he left-I didn't kick him out.

I'm going to try to have a nice night doing this. I plan to cook us a nice dinner, listen to music, have a fire in the backyard, and just try to relax. I deserve it.

I know I sounded frantic before. I really was!! The hardest part is that I haven't spoken to him in over 6 weeks so I can't judge his mood or temperment. I can only guess. The unknown is so scary.

I was just wondering how everyone is doing? No posts for a while can be good news or bad news.
Please let us know.

My situation is the same. He just drives by the house every day in his crazy car. Now alot of people in town have seen it and they're calling me to ask what's going on. Small town people love to gossip. It's so sad though. He grew up here and everyone knows him. They saw him manic in 04 and here we go again. When he crashed last time he was so embarrassed about what he had done while manic, he wouldn't be seen out in public for almost a year. Time healed that, and eventually everyone forgot about it - at least they stopped talking about him. Now here we go again.

I have a date tomorrow nite! I'm just looking to get out of the house and get my mind off all this craziness. Not looking to get into anything serious for a long time. It will be nice to have a nite that doesn't have to involve beer and pot. And doesn't have to end with him throwing up all over himself & passing out leaving me to drive home. God, when I write this stuff I still wonder why I put up w/ his ****!!

Hope you guys are doing well.

Hi it's great to hear that you are going to be doing something normal like go on a date. You deserve to have something fun in your life - so enjoy. All you guys are an inspiration to me - so thank you.

Karen, enjoy your normality and I hope it continues.

I am still struggling to adjust the meds and find a new doctor for my SO. He has been doing rapid cycling recently and I have read that the anti-depressants can cause that. However, his current doctor is having us step up the mood stabilizer. All we can do is try.

Hi Everyone:

Just an update. My BP called me early this morning (3:00 a.m.). He started by saying things like "we just don't work well together. I don't like living like we were and all the arguing." He then started crying and talking about what a great dad he was (I agree) and that I didn't understand how much he was hurting inside not having his kids w/ us full time. All the while he was crying and sobbing. Every couple of minutes he would get pissy if I said something he didn't like. After about 1/2 hour, the conversation became more "normal" and he asked about my job, etc.

Here's the kicker - he started talking about the one great thing we always had - sex. While I agree, I tried to not get involved in the topic too much. He wouldn't let it go. Long story short, he drove to the house and you guys know what happened next. He stayed the night and I went to work. He left around noon. Didn't even bother to make the bed!

I'm so ashamed of allowing myself to get sucked into this again. I was going to stay strong and hold my ground, but I didn't.

Before I went to work, I went in to say goodbye. He said I love you. I said I know you do and I told him that I love him too. He said I know you do. I didn't know what else to say or do. I asked him if he would be coming home to stay and all he'd say is "We'll have to wait and see."

I was really doing so good for the last 45 days. He told me that's how long it's been - I was surprised that he's keeping track. I was finally feeling stronger, less tired, less anxious, less stressed, less EVERYTHING! And today I feel awful. (I don't think 3 hours of sleep helped at all.) Here I am again - right back to where I was 45 days ago....

When I got home I saw that he took a shower, took a pair of shorts and tee shirt and the clothes he wore last night.

Im supposed to have a date tomorrow night. Now I don't think I can do it. It wouldn't be fair to the date or me. I don't think I could fully engage w/ the way I feel.

Any suggestions, thoughts, opinions would be so helpful. I'm so ashamed that I can't talk to anyone about this.

Karen, go on the date. You might not have hit it off with the guy whether this incident happened or not. And, you never know, you might like him. Sometimes, people can't let go unless they have something else to go to so maybe you need to get a taste of that.

Anyway, I thought real love was supposed to make you happy, not stressed and sad and ashamed.

P.S. Don't you have caller ID. If I were you, I'd stop taking calls from anyone after 9 pm.

Yeah, you're right. About the caller ID - I have it but at 3:00 a.m. I couldn't think straight let alone read it.

I need to get in control of this situation again....