Bipolar Depression

Gracie,
I am going through the same thing with my SO right now. Is it a pattern that many men with BP are also drug users. I tend to make excuses for him saying that he is self-medicating and that it makes him feel better, but I think it's just something else that he does that is self-destructive.
My SO woke up while we were getting ready for work and school this morning, and I found myself almost hiding in the bathroom so that we didn't fight. I wasn't sure why he was up so early and I really wanted to have a good morning, so I hid. We got into a fight yesterday when I came home from work to fix him lunch because he was angry that I didn't come in and kiss him goodbye. We have been together almost 10 years and I didn't think about it yesterday.
He is continually asking if he and I are really together and I finally told him yesterday to stop asking me that because the answer might change. He is so extremely insecure and this is not the man that I fell in love with. He has become a child again, and I really don't want to raise another child.

Oh my God!!! This just feels like I am reading my own story. I too have been caring for my Bipolar Husband like he is a child for the last 5 years. I have to do everything and when I didn't I'd get abused in some way. My life became consumed by him and I forgot who I was and what I wanted. My husband only got diagnosed in March so before then I thought that he was just depressed. It all makes sense now... And I feel so stupid for letting it get like this. I also get called a control freak but I've had to take charge has he wouldn't. We are living apart now and even now I am left to sort the crap out - it's making me quite resentful. However I am not having to live with a whinging, whining, demanding baby anymore and I can eat what I want and go to sleep when I want in the position I want to lie in. Talk about control - he was controlling me. I have decided that if he can get better then maybe I may have some sort of relationship with him but I don't think I want to live with him anymore.

Bev,
I am so glad that you took the step to leave. I haven't really gotten to that point yet. I really want to but can't seem to commit to it. I just went home for lunch to make sure he ate something and am now over an hour late because he starts a fight. Why this time? Because LAST NIGHT I told him that our son didn't want to eat the dinner he fixed because it had onions in it. I got him to eat it anyway, but he was extremely upset because I told him. That always spirals out of control into this blown out of proportion fight. What's bad is I always end up apologizing and I didn't do anything. This time he told me that if I didn't change my ways that he wasn't moving with me when we have to move. WOOOHOO, THANK GOD! But I know he's not serious, that it was just a threat thinking that I would kiss his butt. I am so tired of him saying that the root problem in our relationship is me and my self-esteem. He takes no responsibility for our situation or hell for that matter my self-esteem issues. Then in the same breath he tells me how much he loves me and how wonderful he thinks I am, but I just really need to fix myself. I am so frustrated right now, I hope he doesn't move with us. Sorry I just needed to vent. If you are out of the situation, stay out.....remember what made you leave, and keep remembering it everytime you think you might want him back. Enjoy your independance and never, never go back into that situation again.
Good Luck

Gracie;

I am begging you, don't allow yourself to get back in this situation. You can not SAVE him from himself. All you are doing is putting yourself back into it. I have spent the last hour on the phone with my SO apologizing and listening to him tell me how our problems are all MY fault and that I use him as an excuse to continue my bad behavior. I KNOW that I am not a bad person and I am allowing someone who says he loves me to abuse me. You have gotten out, please please stay that way. It is much more painful to live in it that to stay out I promise you. I am trying to find strength enough to get out of it myself. I dont' want this anymore and it is killing me. He is killing me and I am allowing it. Do you know how bad it hurts to hear that you are a bad parent and that you basically suck as a human being. He says that he doesn't say that, but he does, over and over and over, to where that is all that playing in my head. I am beginning to think that he is right. He says he loves me then tells me ten things that I need to work on. How is that love? It's not and I'm tired of faking like it is. I feel beat down emotionally.
I'm sorry I don't mean to whine, I just am at a low point right now and am scared about not getting out of it.

Ok guys, I was feeling very sorry for myself in that posting. I feel so hopeless. There is so much going on right now with the wreck and having to move and for him to continue to berate me has just kinda sent me over the edge. The problem is I want to FIX IT. You know what I mean. I don't want things to be this way, and I can't just magically make them better and it frustrates the heck out of me. He is just continously angry and I always have this need FIX it, to make it alright. He calls me a victim and a martyr??? Is he right? Seriously, I think I need an objective opinion. If I am being that way I need to know. I don't trust his opinion anymore.
He also says he is angry because he feels I undermine his relationship with our son. I've stayed in this relationship because more than anything I wanted them to have a good relationship. I have no real memories of my father in our home and I really wanted that for our son. But he says we gang up against him. What I want to know is how can I approach this better? Is there a way? What steps can I take to be proactive instead of reactive? Because when I react I just want to leave him and take our son with me. But when I calm down, I just want peace.
His parents have sold their home and are moving within the next couple of weeks also. I think all of these changes are sending him into a manic phase. He is now talking about us buying a house and settling down, but today right after talking about that, he then says he doesn't want to live with me? Everything is so screwed up and I am so dang confused...Am I making sense on here? Maybe y'all have the right idea...I need some wine
Ok enough whining...Y'all help me out here, I need some quidance.

Rebbajo, here is how I explained it to my SO. If you have bad eyes and are trying to read a book, the words look blurry. The truth is, the words AREN'T blurry but the blurriness is real to YOU. It is your choice to put on glasses and read. I will interpret for you until you get the right glasses (the meds) but, after that, it is up to you to put on the glasses and tell someone if your eyes get worse.

However, it seems to be a part of this disorder that common sense doesn't make sense to them sometimes. We are the ones who have to try to stay above the insanity and not get pulled down into it. At least I don't have to worry about any children being involved. I would worry more about what the situation is doing to my child than what it's doing to anyone else. Perhaps that can help you decide what to do if you focus on your child.

Gracie;

You are totally right, I'm sorry. You can't give up on him, it wouldn't be fair, especially if the medication helps. Help him get better. I'm just so freaked out about my own situation that I don't want anyone else to go through it. You sound like a very strong person, and I am sure that is what he needs. Good Luck!!! Please let me know how it goes...Dont' listen to me today..I'm the basketcase lol

Rebbajo:

I hope you got your wine...I needed a glass after I read your posts!

I left a verbally and emotionally abusive husband after 17 years of marriage. The stress was overwhelming, and I became physically ill. I had severe abdominal pain and numerous expensive tests only to find absoulutely nothing. This was the weeks leading up to my decision to leave. Then I did it...I walked out of a beautiful home into my father's empty house. You know what happened next? My abdominal pain went away.

My point is this..it takes more courage to leave than to stay. But everything in life worth having takes alot of courage and work. I had to start all over b/c all I took from our house was a few antique family heirlooms. I had to buy EVERYTHING to start my home over. Sure it was hard, he would call me 2 or 3 or more times a day. First apologizing then calling me a bitch, whore, everything! That's when I knew I made the right decision. BTW, he wasn't BP, that came in the next chapter of my life.

What also happened eventually is that I started to realize how emotionally scarred I was from all of the abuse. After a few months, and even today 6 years later, I think about what I tolerated and I get humiliated. At the time I was going through it, it all started to seem so normal. It wasn't until I moved out that I realized how abnormal it really was.

I know that I then went onto this chapter w/ a BP, and honestly it's not all that different. But it happened slowly and then when he got DX I said "Oh, that's why he says/does these things" but I'm starting to realize that doesn't make it okay. I don't want to go down the path of my self-esteem and self-worth being beat up again. It took me too long to regain it.

I hope this helps.

Karen;

Thanks for the reply, It does help to know. It's sad, I am getting off from work in about 15 minutes and I really don't want to go home. I dread it actually, but I have to go, because my son is there waiting for me. He is so sweet and so innocent and doesn't deserve what we are doing to him. I don't want him to end up in therapy the rest of his life wanting to know why his parents were such basketcases and screwed him up. How can I get up the courage to get out of this situation. Its not about the stuff, cause actually all of it is mine, and what's not mine, isn't really important. He has nowhere to go, a fact that he constantly reminds me of. How do I make him leave when no one else will take him in. He doesn't even have a car he can live in for a while. He really has nothing but me and our son. You think he would cherish that, but it seems to do nothing but piss him off even more.

I have so much respect for all of you, you are all strong beautiful women and I can tell that from all your heartfelt words.

That issue of self-esteem is such a core one for all us. The abuse does leave us with a feeling of emptiness but all these guys are mad, it's not us and we shouldn't have to suffer.

We can help them still but I've realised that you don't have to be there while they are in their unstable states. I'm still trying to get help for my husband re his meds etc. On top of that I'm trying to sell our house too. He can't see it nor wants to, that I still love him and am there to support him but I will not put myself in danger anymore and everyone should try and do the same. Sometimes I make excuses too, yes it's his illness but it doesn't take away the fact that he has done all these nasty things to me and our lives.

Good morning everyone,
Last night my SO apologized for being a total butthead and saying things "he didn't mean". But of course this morning, it started all over again. This time, because the cable company called and asked if the cable was working. He was mad because I didn't wake him up to tell him that the cable was out. Then he tells me that I started the whole thing. Am I really doing this and I just don't know it???? It's so early in the morning, and it's already begun. He hung up on me and I'm doing everything I can to make sure that I don't call him back. I am so tired of being the one who smooths things out and eats crow to make peace. I just don't want to do it anymore.

Rebbajo, I am wondering if it matters whether you are to blame or he is to blame-- the question is, do you want to continue living the way you are living?

Now that my SO is back on his meds I have seen an almost immediate change in him. However, that doesn't mean that I can relax-- he will go for a drug test in the next few days, just in case, and we (meaning me) will have to monitor him closely for a while.

The thing is, I don't feel a sense of relief or much of anything about it-- just tired and numb. I know that it will be okay only until the next time his meds need to be adjusted or changed. I know it isn't his fault, but it isn't mine either-- I just chose him. And I wonder what that says about me.

I don't want to live this way anymore. I've been talking to him on the phone all day and have tried to make him understand that although I care about him, I don't want to live the rest of my life arguing EVERY single day about something. He tells me that I need to change then. He says that he is not responsible for any of it. He tells me that I am taking the "easy way out" and quitting on him. He doesn't believe that this is one of the hardest decisions I have ever made in my life. I just feel like I need to take control of something. And this is that first step. He has hung on me calling me a jerk and saying that I don't really want to quit on him, that I just want to hear him hurt. And now he is so hurt that he will not listen to reason. There really is no reasoning with him, and I don't know why I continue to try.
It's strange, I am not upset about us splitting up, I just hate the fact that he is hurting so much. And I feel responsible for that. How do I let that go and follow what I know is the right course for me and for him. I really think we need to be apart for anything to happen. He says I need to be shaken out of my apathy. He's right, I really don't care about him anymore. He says that I have to lose something to really realize how much I need it. I am saying go away and let me find out, because I can't learn my leason with him here. He says I am tearing apart our family. I think he is tearing us apart by the constant anger and accusations and belittling. So what is next? What do I do? I have a place for me and our son to go. Should I just move out and let him deal with the rest of it? I am so scared and confused. Is it really going to happen this time?

I agree. It doesn't reallly matter who's fault it is. But we (all the SO's and spouse's of BP's) say the same exact thing - we're always walking on eggshells. Are they? NO! Why? Because we don't do that to them. Why? Because we're not BP. Sounds pretty simple, I know, but it really isn't. I know I have rationalized his behavior many times before. Oh, he's having a bad day, alot of stress, etc. We all do! But the difference is when I have a bad day, I lean on him for support. Not that I always got it though. I'm so tired of not knowing who was going to greet me at the door, if he was even home. Was it the guy happy to see me, or the guy that was so miserable that he drank and smoked pot all day and now was ready to fight?

My other frustration and sadness came from his passive agressive behavior. It was a control mechanism that he had on me, just like his running out on me 6 weeks ago. I know he's miserable, but he'll make this last as long as he can waiting for me to come crying begging him to come home. I'm not going to do it anymore. That's the vicious cycle we've been living for 2 years. I'm the one in control now. I'm living in our house very comfortably. For once, I'm in control of the situation and I'm not giving it up again. Do you think your husband passes blame and guilt on you to control you and your emotions? Even if not intentional b/c of his illness?

I know this isn't answering your problem, but really none of us can. Just ask yourself this - Can you still love him but not stay? Is all the turmoil and sadness you have worth the times of happiness? Is a 50/50 relationship what you want, and will you ever have it w/ him?

Don't forget that leaving is never the easy way out, it's the hardest thing that any of us can do. Chucking my husband out of our house was hard but needed. When he was home a few months back he would tell me to leave and not come back. I left for 10 days in january and I don't think he actually noticed, he just carried on has normal smoking loads of dope. He told his mum that he smoked it to spite me as I had asked him not to and was trying to control in intake of the stuff (only as I could see what it was doing to him).

I am now packing our stuff up, it's hard as I am finding out things about my husband that I didn't know about but at least I can do it without his demands. I've decided to take each day as it comes and hope that I can re-establish some sort of relationship with my husband sometime in the future when he isn't so manic and is taking his meds. In the meantime I think we have to get on with our lives. I'm so tempted to ring him up to speak to him and I have to stop myself. I still miss him so much as he hasn't always been ill.