Bipolar Depression

Hi Everyone:

It's been many months since I've looked on this site, and many more months since I posted. It was nice to see some of the people that helped me last year doing well.

As some might remember, I was in the process of trying to get my ex-BP/SO off my house deed and I'm happy to say that it's done! Luckily, he hasn't been manic for a few months and is in a desparate financial situation-again. A deal was worked out and I officially own my home alone.

It's been a great year so far, and I'm truly enjoying the tranquility and sanity of my life again. No drama or chaos. Occassionally I'll hear from the ex, but now it's because he's depressed and many of his "friends" don't come around anymore. He's not the manic-maniac- life-of-the-party guy anymore. I listen, when I feel like it, then cordially say good-bye. But I feel so much in control of my life that no one will ever take that away again. His life will always be in a shambles, and over time fewer and fewer people are there to bail him out. It's sad to see but he won't even try to take care of himself, why should anyone else?

To all the folks new to this disorder, I know what you're going through and how hard it is to watch someone you love become someone you hate and don't understand. But thanks to this forum, and a strong will to better my life, I know that I did the best thing for myself and my child by making a decision to never go back. At first it was hard - 5 years were invested in the "relationship". But getting out and getting back to doing what makes me happy was the best thing I ever did.

Wishing you well,

Karen

Karen,

Nice to hear from you!

It's great things are going so well for you. I think if people go through a series of posts from one individual, they will find that things nearly always improve once the non BP person in a relationship takes control of their own destiny.

Things also continue to improve for me. I am within 1 year of owning my home again. We have an agreement for a set amount of money arranged several years ago and payable next year. A question for you: Since the time of the agreement things have changed. My BP ex has stopped all court ordered child support. My kids are in college or headed there. My ex will not contribute to their education. Her sister has assumed control of her finances. I think the amount of money that we agreed up should be put in control of my kids - to pay for their college expenses and give them some money to provide for her in the future, since they will have to assume this responsibility in a few years. How did you proceed with your negotiation? Any advice for me in the next year?

Jsmith:

I'm glad to hear you're doing well, too.
You're absolutely right about going back through the series of posts from one individual. I've looked back at my earlier posts, and I'm amazed at what I wrote, and more importantly, how I thought about things. The roller coaster of emotions that I was feeling - hurt, anger, resentment, love - how confusing a time it was. But you're right. Getting away from the situation, albeit difficult at first, proved to be the right thing to do. As G said, we get caught up in the vortex and no one can think clearly in that situation.

Regarding your question - know that I wasn't married to my exBP and we didn't have children together. Although, I'm divorced (15 yrs. marriage to a non-BP) and have a teenager for which my ex-husband wasn't helping support. It's ironic, but after my exBP and I split up, and I re-gained myself, I also decided that it was time for my ex-husband to step up to the plate and start helping me support our child. Before then, I just let him slide because he is great at intimidation tactics to get his way. He worships the almighty dollar and that means more to him than anything else - including his child. He was spending money on buying his big boy toys, hanging in bars buying everyone drinks, etc. All the while I'm paying for food, clothes, insurance premiums, orthodontics, etc. Then it hit me...I was letting him do the exact same thing my exBP did to me - control through intimidation. If I even suggested to him to pay me, I'd get the yelling, threatening, name-calling, etc. You know what I mean. So I took him to court, heard the whining, yelling, name-calling, threats. I stood firm, ignored all of it, and focused on the real issue - our child.

I assume your court order is in effect until the children are through with college. If so, I agree that she should be paying. Why not? Why shouldn't she? From what you've wrote, your children suffered enough at the hands of your wife's uncontrolled BP. And if she's financially capable of helping support them, then I would make sure she does. You may have to file a contempt of court order to get it to happen. In my state, non-payment of court ordered child support is taken very seriously. All state-issued licenses (drivers, professional, etc.) are seized and they are jailed until the parent resumes payments.

I negotiated to get sole ownership of the home I owned with my exBP/SO. I had to hire an attorney, and ended up paying alot of legal bills to get things done. Ultimately, it was worth it. I still feel that because I paid for EVERYTHING when we were together, I shouldn't have had to give him anything to own the house. I added up all the expenses I paid over the three years we lived together and I was astonished at the amount. The courts aren't always fair, and they're always looking for the quickest resolution. Don't get sucked into "getting it done", but rather "getting it done right". It may cost more initially, but in the long run it's worth it.

This goes without saying....forget about negotiating anything when they're manic. This slowed my process quite a bit.

The whole BP thing doesn't mean anything in the courts. They didn't want to hear about it - totally irrelevant to them. They focused solely on financials. Hopefully you've kept good financial records - you're going to need them.

You will likely be looked upon favorably by the courts, as you should be, for how you raised your children alone. And for that reason, the least your ex should do is help pay their support. Unless she's physically or mentally not capable of earning money, she should be made to honor the court order.

Even though they're almost adults, they'll always be your children, and as long as you stay focused on their well-being and not feeling sorry for your wife, you'll do fine.

Stay in touch and let me know how you're doing.

Karen

I am really new at this. My husband was just diagnosed bp last month (though I tried to tell him last year and was attacked, told "you are the one with the problem, you cause all the problems"). I have been reading this board and see I am not the only one. I don't see any messages that answer my big question:

WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS?

I grew up without a father, and I just can't imagine my children will be better without him. *I* would be so much healthier on my own, but I know what growing up far away from your father will do--it ain't pretty either!

Would love to hear what anyone thinks...

Lake:

My exBP/SO has three children from his previous marriage. Been divorced over 10 years and they're teenagers now. He sees them at least three or four times a week when he's not manic and too interested in many other things, or too depressed to be bothered..

His kids were and are an important part of his life. Although he's not capapable of being a full time dad to them b/c of his bipolar, when he's stable, he's pretty good at being a dad. He can be a teenager "at heart" - much better than most adults, and has a pretty good relationship with them.

Your kids don't have to be without their dad just b/c you and him separate. BP or not, this is done every day by divorced parents. You'll have to remain diligent, as I'm sure you do today, to be sure the kids are safe. Set boundaries with him about when he's well, he sees the kids, when he's not, he doesn't. Maybe this is the incentive he needs to recognize his illness and get treatment.

Hope this helps.

Lake,

Karen is correct in her assessment and hopefully that is how things will work out for you. In my case my BP ex wife is not able to be a parent anymore - she is marginally able to have a relationship of any kind with anyone. My kids were raised without a mom from ages 12 & 16. They made it through teenage years successfully and are successful young adults without a mom. There have been some surrogate adult female friends in their lives-I am forever grateful to caring moms of their friends. When their mother was around in teenage years and even earlier, she made life more difficult for them in many cases. They have largely come to grips with this situation and have defined their relationship with her on their own terms. This is, of course, something all kids need to do eventually. Mine just got an early start. We did ok. Both of my kids are well adjusted and successful at nearly 18 and 22. Honestly they are better off with minimal contact with their mom and contact on their own terms.

Of much more concern to me is the hereditary nature of bp. According to what I have read, kids with one BP parent have a 20% (1 in 5) chance of developing bp. Kids with more blood relatives (uncles, aunts, grandparents, etc) who were bp have an increased probability, up to as much as 50% in some studies. As a result, I try my best to "keep an eye out" for their mental health. As a result of their mom's erratic behavior, some of their mentors (coaches, teachers) have become aware of bp and are also aware to look for any warning signs that might develop in either of my kids. I ALWAYS answer phone calls from my kids and I am alert to signs of depression or mania. So far so good - none. My kids, as you might expect from their experiences, are also aware of the warning signs. I am hopeful that because of their life with a bp parent, that they may be able to be compliant with treatment if they develop BP. But there is a significant risk. Keep alert for your kids.

Take care and good luck.

Thanks karen and jsmith. I have been leaving and staying for the last couple of years, and I'm tired. I read that getting a diagnosis often makes bp's worse initially and that is SO true. Now, he is getting transferred in his job to another state. I just see more stress on the horizon. It's hard to say "I'll wait and see" but
I have been a sahm mom for almost 10 yrs now (no independent income, though I have my own good credit);
My family is scattered far away across several states and most of them have mental health issues as well;
I've been isolated from having any friendships by his bp, my kids' health problems, and his job--long hrs and frequent moves;
And I have one chronically ill, developmentally delayed child who needs just about all of my time and attention. He is on 5-6 meds daily, and getting him to all his doctor appts. is a full-time job! Plus 2 other school-aged kids.
Very scary to be going through life with someone who insists on being in control and making all the decisions--his perception of people and situations is usually paranoid and negative. And of course, just plain irrational. I have said I'm glad he married me instead of some poor other woman who might not be able to stand up to his b.s. as much as I do.

I'm rambling, sorry! I think I just needed to see this all on paper to feel better about deciding to stay a bit longer. How can I figure out how long is "long enough" to wait for anything to get better?

Karen~

Hi...it's Tara. I haven't heard from you in a long time, and haven't posted much in a while either. I wanted to pop in and say hello, and I am SOOOOO happy to hear that things are going well with you! I'm glad you were finally able to break free, and that you are happy!!! Anyway, I've missed chatting with you!! Take care!