Bipolar Depression

I am sitting at my office crying AGAIN, because of my husband. I am at the point that I don't know what to do anymore. My husband is BP and is on Lithium, but I don't think it's working. We are fighting now because he thinks I am having an affair at work (he is on SS and is home all day). I have tried to assure him that all I want is him, but he calls me a liar. He is constantly checking my cell phone, and I am at the point where I give him a minute by minute schedule, which also seems to make him mad. I am at the point that I hate him. I am tired of living like this, especially when I am just trying to support my family. I had gastric bypass surgery in October and have lost almost 70lbs He is so insecure that he thinks that now that I am thin I will leave him, or worse that I will cheat and "make him look like a fool". He waits until I am at work or home for lunch (to take care of him) to bring it up. This is causing problems at work, but when I dont' come home for work, he says he understands that I am just trying to avoid him and its all his fault. I am SOOOO tired of living like this but we have a son and I don't want to kick him out...Please help me, what do I do? I feel like I am losing my mind.

Poor poor you - and all of us married to these guys. I'm in a similar situation. Ehd eosn't accuse me of affairs - but he is so dependent on me adn then gets mad because of that. I am so so tired. We're jsut at the end of a hypo phase and I am so so sick of this I wish he would just go. I am so so tired. When he's high he saps my energy and when he's low I need to have energy for both of us. I son't kn ow who he is anymoer, he's a half person. I have to go to work now but would love to go away fro all of this even for a few days. keep in touch - it's good to know there are others out there. What age is your son and does he notice?

Our son is almost 9 years old, and he definitely knows that something is going on. He has gotten where he is afraid to tell him that he got in trouble at school because he just doesn't want to hear him go on and on and on. And of course I am blamed for that because I can't talk to him, so I teach our son he can't. We talked a lot last night, and it seems like we talk in circles. He says that if I just admit what I have done we can move on, but I haven't done anything. I got to the point last night that I told him I wish I had done something so I could admit to it. He is having nightmares that I am leaving him, and if it continues to be like this I might. I have gotten where I dont' like him anymore. I don't respect him and that is the hardest part to live with because I have been in love with him it seems like forever, but I don't LIKE him anymore. All is does is sit on the couch and watch documentaries about how bad the world is. He hates people and thinks that everyone is superficial and fake. And of course our life would be so much better if only I would get therapy and deal with my low self-esteem and self-worth. But how can I gain either if he is always putting me down? Maybe he's right, I just whine too much.

Ok, so this weekend was really strange. We started out Friday night going out, being a couple and having a great time. Then Saturday morning he wakes up in a foul mood and says its because I don't clean out the cat litter box enough, that I just expect him to do it because he is home all day long. I then told him I don't expect anything from him, because I can't even get him to do laundry or anything else around the house. This caused a major fight and at the end of it, I told him I didn't want to be around him anymore. He said fine that he would leave. I left to take our son and a cousin to a birthday party. He called about 45 minutes later and asked if it was alright if he came to the party. He came to the party and acted as though nothing happened. I didn't mention him leaving, but when we got home I could tell that he had been packing but stopped. We took the kids to a hockey game that night, and the rest of the weekend went well. What in the heck is going on? Should I follow through with what I said and force him to leave?

Wow- strange! This weekend I shared some of what's going on with some old friends of my husband's and they say they do recognise it but don't always see it - ir there are times when he is high but seems fine to others - but usually I see things they don't, you know just being more sensitive. Things like the tetchiness, babbling and not listening, the "most popular guy in town" act etc. Did your husband seem normal to you at the party? Is this one a high as in hypomania or maybe an anger thing?
when my husband is OK I'm afraid to raise the issue - maybe you are too. Like he has agreed that we both go to the doctor - after we come back from a 2 week holiday this thurs - and to ask him to do that I had to pretend that I needed to be reassured that he's Ok and the meds are working. I'm afraid to ask him does he really accept that he is bipolar and does he know what that is. He says we will talk on hols. We probably won't because he'll eb drunk most of the time and I won't want a row so I'll fall into a wine bottle too...
I've been thinking about leaving him. then today I had business out of town and had a great break and decided I could live with this if we both get breaks from each other, and stay for the kids. then I came home to domestic disaster...!!!
Still I thin he's getting back to normal, excpet for no lseep last night ...???

Micheile;
Gosh do I understand that...yeah he was fine at the party, no one had any clue that anything was wrong. Of course, we are fighting right now. It's our daily routine. I made some calls to real estate companies about getting a house and he is upset that I did it at work, instead of home with him (all the places are closed after I get off work). He never sees past that, never looks at what I am trying to do, just that I am leaving him out. I think he feels emasulated because I am the breadwinner, etc. I feel like I am banging my head against the wall. He just doesn't get it. I am going to counseling and trying to deal with his illness, but it keeps getting harder and harder to deal with. He just hung up on me after screaming at me on the phone for 15 minutes. I thought I was doing something good, and he feels like I am just "putting on a show"

Hi again
I think we are in similar situatons. We both fell into 2 bottles of wine tonite and were having a fine conversation until I tried to point outthe difference in what we both did today re kids etc - ie 1 sick child, 1 broken abkle from baskeball, all that goes with that, never mind breakfast, school lunches, dinner on table tec - as well as a business day that pays nore than his does - and he says I'm trying to pick a fight.
What is this? Are we to subjugate beacuse we earn more? When we have to earn more for the kids and us? He stormed off and Isaid I was just wondering why I was not looking for a divorce, now he's just going to pass out and i don't give a sh*t at this stage. are we all fools?????????
i ams sooooo frustrated.............

This is next morning - evidence of excess wine in last posting I'm afraid! Well he stormed off to bed, and for the first time in 6 weeks he slept through - and bingo, we have Mr Normal in residence today. I'm working at home today and he's called a few times, and seems fine. One call was that we have been invited to a business social function and I could tell he was being deliberately low-key - he knows I'm on the lookout for signs of elation; but when he actually is elated he would not see that.
I've read that people on lithium for a long time can relapse and I think that is what has happened - but I think/hope that this episode of elation has come to an end, and I hope the depression down the road will not be too severe. In the meantime we are going away for two weeks in the sun, and taking in a wedding on the way - and today I am optimistic that I will actually enjoy it all and that we may be a normal happy family - well relatively. When we come back I hope we can both go the the doc and I will see can we get imporvment on the medication - but I also think we need some psychotherapy, both of us. I still always have the feeling that I have caused thie or contributed to it by never committing properly to this marriage. Anyone recognise this feeling?
There are some personal/sexual things I would like views on - maybe I'll get into this in a later pposting. I'll let you all know how the holiday goes. Please post back re your own situation. this is a good forum to share these issues, bye.

Don't you get totally frustrated when after a good few days everything goes to hell. We are having that problem now. He is accusing me of being manic because I am attempting to move forward. I am trying to get financing for a house and I am looking at houses, and he...well he is sitting at home telling me what I am doing wrong.
He is out of his lithium and has to go back to the doctor. Of course, he is procrastinating in going, because he says the people at MHMR make him even more crazy. It is all their fault that he has run out of his medication, and it is my fault because I am manic and make him rage. It is always someone elses fault. And he gets mad at me because he says I never take responsibility....but I feel responsible for everything..the house, the bills, the kids, etc. I'm sorry I am whining, I just really am tired of all the fighting. I hope you have a wonderful holiday and enjoy the sun. Just take it one day at a time and enjoy the moments.

Thanks Rebbajo. My guy is all hyped today - usual effect of holidays. I was hoping for a calm time but you know I'm just going to ignore it. We'll meet people we'll never see again, and the kids are so edcited anyway they dont' feel it.
If I get a chance to post while I'm away I will.
I hope you'll be OK and you seem to be a strong person - jsut keep reme,bering your judgement is OK, he is diagnosed, you are OK. When you are looking at houses - is this for both of you or just you and kids? Good luck with it anyway. Bye

Micheile,
I haven't decided who the house if for yet. He told me yesterday if I wanted to move I could, but he wasn't moving. I don't know what he would do if I did leave, because he can't afford to pay the rent, much less the other expenses of the house. Thanks for your support on this, most of the time I really don't feel very strong. He tells me I'm weak all the time, so I guess I've started to believe him. I know it's hard to ignore what they say and what they do, but I think it's the right thing to do. I told him last night, that although it really seems like it I don't hate him, I just hate what this illness does to him. He got offended because I told him he was ill. Like he didn't know??? HELLO? But at least I can say I have tried. Have fun and I hope it goes well.

Well, after months of fighting, I sat down with my husband today and we came to the decision that it was best we split up. It's wierd, my emotions are so conflicted right now. I have a huge sense of relief and then I am so scared at the same time. I know that I can do it on my own, I am worried about his mental state. He doesn't have anywhere to go and I can't imagine just kicking him out into the cold. I am really afraid that this is going to send him into a deep depression and that he won't come out of it. My counselor asked me today if I thought that he would hurt me or our son and for the first time I couldn't answer that question honestly. I don't know what he is capable of. He has been off his Lithium for over a week. He is scheduled to see his doctor tomorrow but I am not sure if he will go. I'm not sure of anything right now. I just know that I don't want to continue with life going this way. I care about him as a person and only want the best for him, but right now I am worried. What should I do? Any advise?

Hi Rebbajo
Looks like it's just the two of us on this forum. There is another one on this website - "Just found out husband is bipolar, I'm scared, confused, help!" which you should look at. I've posted there too.
You know on our holiday away I began to see things with great clarity. As far as I know he is still taking the lithium but it does not appear to be working. He continued the sleep pattern - getting up at 4.30 am, wandering around the streets of the city we were in for the weekend; great company and full of life with the people we met at the wedding, up drinking til 3, wanting sex in that horrible driven, mechanical, non intimate way, collapsing then but wide awake 2 hours later and it starts over again. Snapping at me and the kids, not listening to anyone. Then we went to our holiday home by the beach and same pattern, but at least there I knew where he was likely to be. All this time I could see the guy I met and fell in love with - how it all impressed mye so much when I was 24. My father had suffered from depression, and I had been in a bad (mentally abusive )relationship with another guy, so to meet this wonderful gregarious funny person must have been such a light in my life and it all came back to me, how I felt then. The problem is he has not changed or matured one little bit, and I can see the illness now, which I could not see then. The instant purchases - eg a car a month ago. While we were away one day it was tennis - bought the gear, the racquet, got lessons, OK that's good I thought, exercise after all these years of the bar storo. Then the next day it was golf - went out and bought golf clubs, but no golf got played. He was taking calls form his job which worried me that he may have left things in a bit of a mess...but everything was someone else's fault for not listening to him apparently. Hopefully that's OK.
I feel less guilty now. I know now that I will never fell for him the way I did when we fell in love. It was not love. And it's not love now. Deep care maybe at this stage, out of habit, if he gets treated, but if this is not dealt with I think I have to get out for my and the kids sake, which will be hugely difficult and guilt inspiring. He has no clue how to look after himself. I spoke with his sister yesterday and she said they all knew from when he as a teenageer that he had highs and lows but did not see it as an illness. She said she noticed in the last month when he visited that he was high but he refused to discuss it with her. She does not know if his brother is aware, and I'm surprised that as a family they have never discussed it - they pride themselves on being the perfect family. But they have all grown apart a bit I suppose. He's been calling his brother lately - bought a season ticket for their home town football team, so I may call him next.
The first person I will call is the doctor this morning.
The financial side of things scares me. We were struggling for years - me earning more than him, him spending. When we met he had no money. He borrowed for my engagement ring from an uncle - a fact I discovered two years later when the uncle wanted the money back and I had to pay it. He lied about his job and his salary - and believed the lies I think.
My parents both died last year and left me money so we now own our home and a holiday home, which we rent out, and I work for myself. He loves playing the wealthy guy as a result, no sense of what we spend vs our income.I don't want to lose our home for the kids' sake. And I do not want that man I married, to walk away with my parent's hard earned money only to blow it. Is that selfish? I think it's 22 years of putting up with all of this and now realising that I missed other chances along the way.
There were other chances. 2 years into our mmarriage I had a relationship for 18 months with another guy and actually left. But could not deal with the guilt and the family pressure so went back. did not know what I was dealing with. Then 6 years ago started a relationship with a man and this is still going on. See my other postings. I k n ow it's wrong but it's my lifeline and my excape valve. And I know that if I end my marriage that relationship will end also. It's convenient as it is now for both of us but I think could never be a full-time relationship. He woudl not break from his family and I';m not sure in the cold light of day that I would want him full-time.

Is any of this familiar to you?

Stay or go? Go, go, go, while it's not too late. Find a normal man.
Look forward to hearing from you,

Spoke to my GP on the phone this morning and the relief is amazing. She wants him and me to see her and she will refer him to a consultant psychiatrist. She understands completely. I feel validated. I actually felt really depressed this morning, could not bring myself to do anyting in the house or for my work - but after I spoke to her I felt very optimistic and energetic again. She is to call him this evening before 6 - I arranged for him to come home from work early as it's a nice day. But it's 17.56 and he ain't home yet... will let you know what happens. Monday will do.

Are you OK? Please let me know how it is for you?

Micheile,
Well I couldn't go through with it and actually make him leave. He went to his Dr. on Friday and even got an emergency appointment to see his therapist. He came home with a clarity I hadn't seen in him in a while. He told me he knew that he was criticizing me way to much and that he couldn't continue to do that to me. Then he begged, crying for me to let him stay. That he loves me and that he knows that he needs help. He is back on his lithium and they have adjusted it, so who knows...it might actually work. Things have been good the past few days. He is very affectionate, but not over doing it, so I don't think it's a manic thing. He is still insecure and asks me if this is what I really want? Do I really love him? I know that it is going to be an uphill battle, but I do love him and I really want it to work. I just get so frustrated. We are going to start going to the local NAMI support group. Do you have that where you are? They have support groups for loved ones. I am hoping they can give me some insight into what is really going on with him. I am glad that you are going to go see your doctor with your husband. I know that it is very scary, but please follow through. You deserve some happiness. Let me know how the visit goes.