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I’ll start off my story with a little past history. I was married to a man with bipolar disorder for 14 years (we were together 15). I was married very young and although I knew he had a family history, he seemed to be well in the beginning of our relationship. We have three children together, and I loved him more than anything. In 2003 he was laid off from his job and took it very hard. He decided to start his own business and slowly put us further and further into debt. Along with the financial strain he was under an unbelievable amount of stress trying to make a success of the business. He spiraled further and further downward. I begged him to get help. He was prescribed an antidepressant by our primary care physician, which made his mania worse. He was explosive, physically and emotionally abusive. We tried counseling, but he refused any type of compromise or consideration of what he was putting the children and I through. He actually sat in a therapy session and stated that if the question came down to the business or the marriage he would choose the business. For the first time in my life with him I realized how very little my hopes and dreams meant to him. I gave him an ultimatum, either he ended his denial about his illness and sought help, or we were done. He was given a prescription for Zyprexa, filled it, brought it home, and refused to take it. Needless to say we separated in 2005 and divorced a few months later. A year later I met someone online. We emailed each other back and forth for 6 weeks, then exchanged phone numbers and spent two weeks talking to each other every day for 3-4 hours at a time. We finally met in person and began dating. A few months later he opened up and told me that he also has bipolar disorder, and had been nervous about telling me because he knew my past history with my ex-husband. I told him the truth, my problem with my ex was NOT that he had bipolar disorder, but that he refused on every level to treat it. We have continued to grow closer and closer (our first emailing began in December 2005 and here it is February 2007). The problem is that he has told me often how much he loves me, how I’m the greatest person he has ever met in his life, and how he has never been as intimately, emotionally, or intellectually attracted to anyone in his life (even his ex wife who he was married to for 12 years). But we seem to go through these “cycles”, where he is very involved in the relationship and me for about three months or so, then out of nowhere everything changes. He suddenly stops calling as much and pulling away. Then he tells me he isn’t ready for a relationship and just wants to be friends. A month later he is “pulling me back in” and because I love him I let him do it, only to be back in the same place three months later. The intelligent part of me realizes this is probably the illness. But how do I deal with it? He has never out and out told me, “I truly want this to work”. If he did I would do everything I could to work with him to make the relationship work, I would accept the fact that it’s not really him talking when he tells me those things, it’s the illness. But all I’ve heard from him during these “cycles” is “I don’t want a relationship” but his “actions” show otherwise all the other times. What do I do? Do I walk away because he has told me he doesn’t want a relationship (always saying that it doesn’t have anything to do with how he feels about me), or do I stick it out with him continuing to show him how much I love him?
Lost in Love, Coming from having been going thru this myself for the past 3 years, I think that is a question only you can answer. You need to decide how much you can handle and how much you want to handle. Being rejected over and over again in their times of mania is extremely hard and eventually wares on our self esteem. Even though we know it is the illness, sometimes the bipolar person seems so O.K. at the time that we get lost in what is real and what is temporary. Get and keep interests of your own. Have many special people- family and good friends you can spend time with to show you your worthiness. Do things that are good for you and detach as much as you can emotionally from your "person" and you decide how much you are willing or can deal with. Trust me, I struggle with the same question many times a week but, after 3 years it is getting easier to realize that I am utimately responsible for my own happiness and health. I can't look at someone else for it and can't let someone else destroy it...even though the second part seems impossible at times.
I've been dealing with BP Disorder on some level for 17 years. I have only been able to gain some strength in the last three years, the last year of my marriage I really began standing up for myself. The last two years on my own with the kids have taught me so much about myself. I never realized what I was capable of, and had forgotten how strong I really am. I have gone back to college to finish my degree and will have my master's in three years. I will not let anything get in the way of that!
I have a great support system in friends and family. And my children are my life! I will never lose sight of my priorities or my goals.
I've learned the big lesson that I am responsible for my own happiness and health. I know I can't look at anyone else for those things or allow anyone to take them over either.
I'm just stuck not knowing what to believe at this point...is he telling me the truth when he says he doesn't want a relationship? Or is it just the illness talking? Should I believe that he does really love me? Or are those lies to keep me hanging on? That's the part I'm struggling with.....what to believe...both messages are so conflicting!
Lost In Love, Reading your words are like reading my own thoughts. I wonder about what my husband tells me too. Is he lieing... He says one thing and then a couple weeks later he says the opposite. I have come to a belief that he honestly believes what he tells me everytime he tells me something. I guess it depends on what else is going on, how he is feeling about himself at the time he speaks etc. etc. At times he seems just very manipulative. But, at his good times I look at him and do not see someone capable of manipulating. He is just so lost and broken so much of the time. This illness is so horrible for us and I am sure it is even worse for those who suffer from it. I have been at the point many times wondering what is reality and what is only temporary... and why. It is just heart wrenching and nerve wrecking. I am glad to have this site to come to.
This is my first time on here so be nice! I too am so scard. I meet a great guy, fell for him and think he is bi-polar. He has never admitted he is but all of his actions and symtoms tell me he is. We have been going back and forth for over a year in and out of a relationship and I feel so lost. He tells me he wants us to be together then tells me we cant. I am willing to weather his mood swings but I also find this is hurting me so much that I don't know how to act towards him. When I back off he says it hurts him...so how do I deal? What do I do? He will open up only enough to tell me he doesn't understand why he feels this way but he cant help me. I should also say he has an addiction problem because of this. I know this is a really bad way to start a relationship but he is so worth it...why cant he see that?
Lost in Love, OMG, our stories mirror each other,very scary! My bfriend treats me the same way. He cycles between being totally into me and our relationship,telling me he wants so much more...to totally shuting down telling me he just can't have a relationship with me. He dumped me again last night and each time he spirals down so do I. Sometimes I feel like I'm going down the same lost road as him. He scares me to because he gets so down and abuses meds that I fear for him. I know this probably doesn't seem to help you...just know there are others feeling this way too!
No!! You are going down the same path as your past ex, granted you have more wisdom about the illness, but you should consider a fresh start to someone who has NO illness like bipo. Maybe you like the roller coaster ride, but maybe now after years of caring for a bipo, now you deserve to be rewarded for all the hard work?
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Originally posted by Lost in Love: I’ll start off my story with a little past history. I was married to a man with bipolar disorder for 14 years (we were together 15). I was married very young and although I knew he had a family history, he seemed to be well in the beginning of our relationship. We have three children together, and I loved him more than anything. In 2003 he was laid off from his job and took it very hard. He decided to start his own business and slowly put us further and further into debt. Along with the financial strain he was under an unbelievable amount of stress trying to make a success of the business. He spiraled further and further downward. I begged him to get help. He was prescribed an antidepressant by our primary care physician, which made his mania worse. He was explosive, physically and emotionally abusive. We tried counseling, but he refused any type of compromise or consideration of what he was putting the children and I through. He actually sat in a therapy session and stated that if the question came down to the business or the marriage he would choose the business. For the first time in my life with him I realized how very little my hopes and dreams meant to him. I gave him an ultimatum, either he ended his denial about his illness and sought help, or we were done. He was given a prescription for Zyprexa, filled it, brought it home, and refused to take it. Needless to say we separated in 2005 and divorced a few months later. A year later I met someone online. We emailed each other back and forth for 6 weeks, then exchanged phone numbers and spent two weeks talking to each other every day for 3-4 hours at a time. We finally met in person and began dating. A few months later he opened up and told me that he also has bipolar disorder, and had been nervous about telling me because he knew my past history with my ex-husband. I told him the truth, my problem with my ex was NOT that he had bipolar disorder, but that he refused on every level to treat it. We have continued to grow closer and closer (our first emailing began in December 2005 and here it is February 2007). The problem is that he has told me often how much he loves me, how I’m the greatest person he has ever met in his life, and how he has never been as intimately, emotionally, or intellectually attracted to anyone in his life (even his ex wife who he was married to for 12 years). But we seem to go through these “cycles”, where he is very involved in the relationship and me for about three months or so, then out of nowhere everything changes. He suddenly stops calling as much and pulling away. Then he tells me he isn’t ready for a relationship and just wants to be friends. A month later he is “pulling me back in” and because I love him I let him do it, only to be back in the same place three months later. The intelligent part of me realizes this is probably the illness. But how do I deal with it? He has never out and out told me, “I truly want this to work”. If he did I would do everything I could to work with him to make the relationship work, I would accept the fact that it’s not really him talking when he tells me those things, it’s the illness. But all I’ve heard from him during these “cycles” is “I don’t want a relationship” but his “actions” show otherwise all the other times. What do I do? Do I walk away because he has told me he doesn’t want a relationship (always saying that it doesn’t have anything to do with how he feels about me), or do I stick it out with him continuing to show him how much I love him?
