Bipolar Depression

My wife was recently diagnosed as BPII. We've been married for 14 years. Through that entire time, it's been like walking on eggshells to ever have an uncomfortable discussion where she would take what I was saying as criticism. So, I would avoid it at all costs. If she felt criticized, she'd go into hysterics.

Lately (I posted in 'Does it get any better'), I've been distressed at her gradual withdrawal from our marriage. At low times, I've had some pretty dramatic moments and the tears flow. I've been very sad. Instead of nurturing me, she gets even further away and says that me feeling sad makes her feel bad about herself.

Even though intellectually she knows she is tormenting me, she acts incapable of moving toward me. She retreats and builds another buffer between us.

The easy thing would be to call her immature and selfish, but I'm afraid it's part of her mental illness.

This board hasn't been very active of late, but I will try and answer your questions. I only have limited experience with BP and it was undiagnosed BP II at that, but it sounds like your wife also has a healthy dose of narcissism (NPD - Narcissistic Personality Disorder) mixed in with her BP. She only sees the world as to how everything relates to her and her needs and her agenda with little or no concern at all for how her actions or reactions affect anyone else. She may also be concerned about "appearances" - how things look to others, especially if her social, job or family stature is concerned, and to this end, she may do things or say things which enhance this stature, while making someone else look bad.

Given what you've written, I'm quite surprised that she hasn't blown out of the relationship altogether! The good news is that meds can help the BP, the bad news is that narcissism is not a biochemical problem, so the meds will NOT help. This is common, from what I have read. It's called a "dual diagnosis". Frequently, those with BP also have other personality disorders which do not have a biochemical origin. BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) is another one which is frequently found. You can look these up on Wikipedia or just Google them.

There is a workbook for the treatment of BPD. The author is Marsha Linehan. The book is on the subject of Dialectical Behavioral Training (DBT) which is reputed to be the only successful treatment modality for BPD. The treatment is supposed to be under the care of a psychologist specializing in BPD, but they are hard to find and even then, the group treatment (1X/week) costs about $1000-1200 per month. NPD is a different story. The person themselves must actually WANT to change their behavior and that is rarely the case with Narcissists.

Good luck.