Bipolar Depression

HI
My husband was diagnosed about 8 months ago. He was very successful lawyer. We had a great life. About 3 years ago, things started going wrong. He destroyed us financially, professionaly and of course emotionally. He made major business mistakes and ended up in jail a month after the diagnosis for tax evasion. We lost our house. I found out he was having an affair, using drugs and had a complete other circle of friends. He is now out of jail. At times he is fine. We are not living together but trying to figure things out. He was on meds for a while. Now he loves me, hates me, loves me....etc. I am so hurt. I have been with him 20 years, 12 years of marriage. This relationship started when I was 19. This is my life. What do I do. 2 kids...5 and 6. They don't know what is going. I moved to be close to my parents so I told them he is busy with work and we must be near the family. It is awful. He says things like "He never loved me". HE used to be the most devoted, doting husband anyone could ask for. I had so much love, beautiful house, happy family. Everything is gone. I don't know how to go on.
Please help.

Here,

I am very sorry for your pain. It is very hard. I have been through similar experiences (25 yr relationship, 20 yr marriage, 2 kids)and have posted most of my experience on various posts on sections of this forum. I found it later than you in the BP SO experience with my ex wife. But I still found it very helpful to understand that it wasn;t me that was crazy.

It sounds like you are still somewhat early in all this. I can tell you that I spent a lot of time reacting to the bizarre behavior of my BP ex. Trying to react to help her recover, to hold my family together etc. Accepting blame from her for all of her troubles. And when I did that I found that things only got worse. There was more blame to be dished out and accepted, more unhappiness on her part with the relationship, etc etc.

My best decision and the single most important thing that brought my life back into normalcy was to decide that enough was enough. She was responsible for her decisions. Not my responsibility. If she didnt stay on her meds - it was not my fault or my problem. If she didnt like me anymore, that was her issue not mine. I realized I was responsible for my life and making it normal again. Although I did not want a divorce (she did) I had to file in court for one. Although she stated she wanted a divorce, she never got around to filing for one - did she enjoy the turmoil? Some on this board would say she did.

Believe me, whatever your decision - to divorce, not to divorce, to do something in between - your life will be better when you know its your decision and not the result of a reaction to your BP SO. Take control of your life and do what you have to do to make it better. Protect your kids. Put them first in all things. You may have to face the reality of finding a new life. As you say you had a good one for a long time. In time you will be able to look on that memory fondly. It was good I am sure. But its not now. You need to take control and make your life good again. It won't happen by living your life as a reaction to the bizarre behavior of an unmedicated BP.

Take care and good luck

Thank you so much for your advice. The behaviour just gets worse and worse. I am positive that the person who he was having an affair with has left him but he now tells me she is pregnant and they are planning on starting a life together. I have told him that is fine with me. Just leave me alone. But he will not leave me alone. He calls me several times a day. Leave awful messages. Calls my family's homes if i don't answer. That is one reason I answer his calls so that he will leave my family alone and not upset them further. We are not living together. He wants a divorce but he will not leave me alone. He speaks to the children rarely when he calls...But says I would never call you if it was not for the children. I am going crazy. Everything is my fault. I am so confuse.

Here,

I found it very helpful to my own sanity to write my experiences down on this forum and find out that others were experiencing the same types of things. A bit intimidating at first. But there are a lot of good people experinecing very bad things with BP SOs on this forum. Maybe you will find the same.

Take care

Here, jsmith is right on target. Only you can make the decision. I am a survivor of a 3yr marriage to bp wife. I don't even know why I am on this site. Brings back to many bad memories. I haven't seen anything on these posting that I have not experienced or at least been threatened with. It was a second marriage for both of us after a short courtship. I saw sign,but didn't really understand the severity of it. She wouldn't get help and I tried so hard,maybe to hard. I have never been around anyone like that much less married to them. I have a high stress job and it was like being on a vacation being away from home at work. No one deserves to live like that. The crushing words of hate, accusations,all my fault,violence,made up stories,secret phone recording,etc,etc. It was a living nightmare. You find yourself always in a reactive mode,fixing messes they create,apologizing constantly to people for their behavior. She almost bankrupted me in 3 yrs,continually broke things delibrately,patholical liar,etc,etc. I filed 4 times in 3 yrs. always stopped it as she promised to change and quit pawning our possessions. I had no choice. It is hard to see the "craziness" of bp when your in the midst of a"combat zone" Now after its over I don't know how I went that long. I am amazed at the people still in a marriage like that for years as I am of myself,now. Life is so good now. I have a new life, a new g/f 180degrees opposite who lowers my bloodpressure instead of shoots it thru the roof. As a friend told me "99% of men would have divorced her for one of these flaws..she has multiple ones, whats wrong with you"..whatever you decide good luck.

Cody,

I find myself still coming to this site periodically too although I dont post much anymore. Wonder why sometimes. I think it is still helpful to me to review what I wrote over a period of time and to see others' experiences. I find the entire BP SO experience a blur sometimes now that years have passed, kind of fuzzy in my memory in some ways. My kids are now both legally adults but still have to figure out how to relate to their mom - how and when to visit her, what to expect etc. Glad to hear you are on the right track.