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I have posted here before. I have been married to a BP for 15 years. We have been separated for the last 2 years. He is on medication, but continues to drink. I have put up with a lot of unacceptable behavior over the years, infidelity, partying, verbal abuse, losing jobs, irresponsibility etc. which has led to our separation. I unfortunately ended up in an affair which resulted in me separating from my husband 2 years ago. Since then he has had a relationship with another woman and although I asked him if he wanted to get back together, at that time he declined. Since he was seeing someone else and had declined to reconcile, I went ahead and dated for a bit and met a man I have been with for a year now, and it is a good relationship.
Tonight I got a call from my husband, he is about to have a breakdown. He has had two of these before resulting in hospitalization and sedation. The typical symptoms are there, uncontrolled crying, feeling down, difficulty doing anything at all, not sleeping etc. I told him I would make an appointment with the doctor tomorrow and take him. I am terrified this will turn to a full blown breakdown again and he will lose his job. He already lost one good job the last time he had a breakdown. My boyfriend is very understanding about this, but I worry about the future. If I decide to leave here or marry someone else or whatever, I don't know what will happen to my husband. When he is in this state he is almost helpless, I don't know what would happen if no-one was around to help him.
Thanks for reading, any advice or comments would be great, I am just scared and worried to death right now.
congradulations on finding someone who is so understanding. I know you worry what will happen but you can't always stop the breakdown. I will have you in my thoughts. I know how hard this must be for you. But you sound like your held hostage by the what ifs. I am too so I can't really say anything with out being too hypocritical. But I am beginning to learn that if you get caught in the web of what ifs you lose now. Hope that helps
Sorry to hear of the difficult situation. In my experience, you need to consider what your realistic options are along with how much responsibility you want to assume.
You seem to have 3 options:
-ignore him and let him fend for himself or let others (friends, family etc) take care of him
-commit yourself to taking care of him for the long term
-humanely make sure he gets treatment when its an emergency but not allow yourself to be dragged back into the BP life
You need to choose one of these options based on what you want for your life not on what his needs are and there are difficulties associated with each.
You appear to have chosen the 3rd option at the moment and are taking him for treatment in an emergency situation. The danger is that you will be drawn back into caring for him in ways that you no longer choose to do - bringing you closer to the 2nd option.
In my own case, my ex wife chose to no longer be with me - she left. Despite my best efforts to reconcile, I had to give up in order to protect myself and my children. She has had many breakdowns and hospitalizations since then. I have chosen the first option. Others who helped her leave have had to lend any assistance she has gotten. In my case, once I filed for divorce (as a result of her leaving), it was over. No going back. We were both on our own and needed to take care of ourselves. So while it has been difficult to watch her life spin out of control leading to institutionalization, I have found it to be necessary to not intervene in order for my life to not get sucked into the same problems. The one exception I have made to involvement are situations that negatively impact my kids. I do get involved to the point and level that is necessary to keep them safe and minimize the hassle she tries to bring into their lives. Other than that she is on her own - where she chose to be. I have a new life and am happy in it.
I highly recommend the first option - it has worked for me. It is relatively clear to me what I should do in situations where she is causing problems for herself or others. It has allowed me to make a new life that is good. But anyone who chooses this option has to be ready to watch their ex spiral downward out of control. It takes a lot of self control and reminders to yourself that this is the life your former partner chose.
Take care and I hope you make the right choice for you. Remember choosing any particular option is not final. YOu can always change if you find its not working for you.
Thanks for your reply. You are right in your diagnosis of the situation. The problem is that he has no family here at all. We moved here from Southern Africa 7 years ago, and we have no family here at all. He does have some friends, but I doubt any that are good enough friends to get involved with something like this. I feel, rightly or wrongly, that I don't have much of a choice, but I do worry about the future for him. If I am to move on with my life I may not always be able to be there for him with his breakdowns etc. and I don't know what will happen then.
Its a hard decision DR. And only you can make it. If you think you are never getting back together, you probably need to take only what you want into account. If you think you are getting back together then you may need to take into account the impact on him. In any case, you need to take care of yourself. Seems that everyone with a BP SO comes to this point sooner or later.
Thanks for the reply. I guess I don't know the answer to that question. I really don't. I know I am happier living on my own without all his drama and so on, but I do love him, and to a certain extent I feel it is my duty to stand by him. I feel contantly confused because of the terrible guilt I feel. Also, we are not from the States, came here 7 years ago almost as refugees, so we have been through a lot together and we relate to each other in a way that I can't with the man I am with, simply because of the cultural differences. I constantly feel like a deer in the headlights, unsure of which way to turn. I am worried if I go back to him, that nothing will change in the long run, and I will have given up a man who up to now has been a real rock and a really good man.
You can probably never know with certainty the answers to your questions. However, if you read the posts on this board (which may certainly be a biased sample of the world of BP) your statement:
"I am worried if I go back to him, that nothing will change in the long run, and I will have given up a man who up to now has been a real rock and a really good man."
is likely to be true based on others' experience. If your husband is BP, then there is a very good chance nothing will change and a very small chance that it will. If he won;t stay on his treatment, there is almost no chance your husband will change. The odds are not with you if you go back and it is likely that you will be back to where you were before.
It sounds to me from your posts like you have mostly already made your decision but you feel guilty and you need affirmation that you have decided correctly. Well, take it from one who has been there, yes you feel guilty. I am not sure when it goes away, I am hoping to find out. But life is better for me now under my control than before when it was under the control of a BP spouse.
Thanks jsmith for the reply. I am glad things are better for you now, as they are for me. Perhaps I feel guilty so much because I am the one who chose to leave. If he had left me, it might not be so bad, I don't know, you would know more than me on that one. The doctor told him yesterday he was not to drink anymore and he needed to be in therapy, things which I have told him over and over. My feeling is he will do it now because he is feeling so bad, but as soon as he starts feeling better he drops it all, then the whole cycle starts over again. I really do enjoy being out of that whole situation, but I keep thinking that I need to give it another chance with him, that what I have done is not fair etc. etc. - the guilt goes on and on.
So DR, why is it that so many of the non-BPs who have to deal with BPs express having guilt feelings? I have them too. And I have to work hard to remember that it was not me that left, that it was not me that refused treatment for my illness and that it was not me who tried to make it look like I was an abuser. Yet there they are - guilt feelings. I don't get it. Same with you. You aren;t the alcoholic or the one who doesnt stay on treatment and you are the one who sufferred verbal abuse. Yet here you are feeling guilty. There is another thread here from Jennlilmajik talking about guilt feelings that you replied to. WHats the deal? Why should we all be feeling guilty and have to work to overcome it when its the BP person screwing up their own lives?
Jsmith, I don't know, I wish I did. I have studied into co-dependency, may have something to do with it, but I still haven't got to the bottom of it. It may have something to do with religious upbringing that we are taught that when you marry, it's for life, come bad times and good. I think with me, it has a lot to do with that, I was brought up in a very religious family, and so subconsciously I feel like I am ducking out of my duty as a wife. It doesn't seem to matter to me what he does to me, or how he behaves, all I can see is that I have deserted my marriage.
