Bipolar Depression

I'm new here. I could really use some advice from people who have experience with bipolar. I've been dating a man with bipolar for five years. He was diagnosed and he took medication for a few months, but now he won't take anything. He admits he may be bipolar but he doesn't believe in taking medication -- not for him anyway. In September he finally asked me to marry him. Great happiness. Everything was wonderful. We were on vacation. Life was great. I recently found out that just two weeks later he started cheating on me. He doesn't deny it. He doesn't defend himself. He's just giving up on our relationship and saying goodbye. Five years: POOF! I told him I thought he needed help and counseling.

I don't know what to do at this point. Is he a total jerk? Or is he one sick puppy? I love him and if he's screwed up our relationship because of the bipolar, I'll stick with him and try to make him get the help he needs. But if he's just a horrible moron I'm going to kick him out of my life!

Any advice?

lxchel,

Unfortunately you will never know the answers to your questions. And he is likely both bipolar and a horrible moron. He is both one sick puppy and a total jerk. If he doesn't get treatment and stay on it, as you say he is not doing, then it is very likely that the horrible moron/total jerk will be what you know.

Read this site in the Friends and Loved Ones section and the Questions and Answers section especially to have a glimpse of what your life will be. Many are here who can attest to the trials of a life with a bipolar significant other.

My own advice after a 5 year cohabitation and a 20 year marriage, and 2 kids to a bipolar wife until she left, blaming me for all of her problems, is that you are probably quite lucky to have invested only 5 years. Take control of your life, decide what you want, find someone else to share it with. But thats my opinion only. YOu have to do what you have to do.

Take care.

It sounds like he's gone manic on you. He may be back when he comes out of it and realizes what he's done. If he does, you need to stand firm that he get medicated. If he doesn't like pharmaceuticals, you can go to www.truehope.com and try their Empower Plus supplement. I saw a "Discovery Channel" special on it, and it works for a lot of people. Certainly worth a try. You can see the 6 part special on www.youtube.com - just type in "Truehope" and "discovery" into the search engine. He can also eat a healthier diet incorporating a lot of wild caught salmon, organic fresh fruits and veges, cutting down on packaged processed foods, and utilize some non-traditional methods of self-calming, such as yoga, tai chi and meditation, to lessen his symptoms.

I'm sorry this happened to you - you sound like a caring person and certainly didn't deserve this.

Thank you both for the help. I've brought up the bipolar again and I've been trying to encourage him to get some help. So far he's not very open to it but I'll keep trying. He doesn't think he's exhibited any poor decision-making. It's very frustrating, but I guess you know that.

He would always prefer to think there's a physical problem than that something is connected to bipolar. He doesn't like anything to do with psychiatry. He wants to be able to handle everything himself, without any help.

I just want him to get better.

Hi,
I have been with my bipolar bf for 2 1/2 years. It was always an INTENSE relationship. He had been abused (in every way) as a child. In his teens he abused pot and alcohol and dabbled in other drugs. He's never been much of a sleeper. March 30th I caught him having cheated in November with someone he met on the internet who I later found out is an escort. I forgave him, b/c anyone can make a mistake. He cried and cried and worked so hard to win me back. I never thought anything about it being his BP b/c men without BP do it all the time. I did know that he had been playing with his meds b/c a)he's uninsured so he spaces it out, and b) it took its toll on our sex life I guess (now I wonder if it indeed was the medication or just him cheating the whole time) At any rate, on June 6th, I caught him again but this time with some girl he'd met in class. This time, he didnt try to keep me, he said he wasnt in love with me anymore, said he was confused, that he still loved me, but doesnt think things are going to work out. I left and havent seen him except to take my name off of his account.
The reason I'm writing this is because I've been going through the posts in the forum and am finding striking and vast similarities between all of our experiences. I can understand that he probably just fell out of love, but I would have expected some changes in affection towards me from him, but up until the day of he continued to tell me how much he loved me, talked about moving out together, getting married, etc. He was never really mean to me, never had a rage outburst or threw tantrums. He was always very possessive, incredibly affectionate and wanting my attention all the time. He hates being alone and most of when he does his cheating is when I clearly cannot be with him as I HAVE to sleep and HAVE to work.
Based on a lot of other posts here, I'm guessing he'll be coming back to me. I still adore him, but I dont know if I want to take him back. I need stability and and honesty and cant bear the thought of knowing I may be willingly and knowingly getting myself into a doomed relationship. I really don't even want to be friends with him because it'd hurt too much.

Has same problems, doesnt sleep (red flag #1 is telling me he's tired at 10:30, I know he's cheating then), cannot save any money, lies to eveyone, does physically dangerous stunts, has an incredible sense of entitlement, blames others for his misfortune, can't hold down a job, acts like a child sometimes, NARCISSISTIC, only wants to do what HE wants to do, doesnt want to listen to anyone elses problems, calls himself a monster, mentioned his ability and capacity to lead a double life, etc.

I dont know, I mourn the loss of what I thought was such a healthy relationship (but am now realizing I was sucked into his world), but am feeling like it wasnt me and that I've dodged a bullet. I'm not thinking I'll take him back. I dont want to deal with this for the rest of my life. I still love him.

I'm so sorry. But everything you say about your bf sounds just like my ex-fiance. It was always all about him. And he lied to people all the time -- because he was always juggling people and stories. He couldn't save any money, ever. He was narcissistic and unable to compromise. I always made the compromises. He would talk about having a dark side and wallow in it sometimes, then go right on doing the things that brought his life down.

We haven't spoken or communicated in a month now and I feel like I'm finally starting to have some clarity. At the time I thought our relationship was healthy, too! We talked about everything. The problem was, I didn't realize how much he was lying to me or telling me what I wanted to hear.

Today is the fifth anniversary of our first date. I feel like if I can get through today I will be all right.

I don't know how to account for the lies and deception and other things, but I do think the sudden mood changes are part of the bi-polar. We were in a restaurant sometime after we got engaged and someone stopped to speak to him for a minute. After the person left I asked him why he didn't tell him we were engaged. He said he forgot. He forgot that we were engaged. That's not normal. If you forget you're engaged you're REALLY not focusing. I knew we were in trouble right then.

I'll be thinking and hoping the best for you. I know what you're going through. I know it hurts.

Hi girls, your stories sound a lot like mine, only my guy was never formally diagnosed. It's been over 7 months now with no contact, after 2-1/2 months of mad love and wanting me to uproot my life for him. He also barely slept or ate, spent every penny he ever made and was addicted to caffeine and cigarettes. He was very involved in the local religious congregation and was always running from one meeting to another when he wasn't working (after having been out of work for almost a year - and he's a surgeon!), to the detriment of his relationship with his children (who were very distressed from the recent divorce). Was constantly complaining about perceived "slights" from others and blamed others for his misfortune as well. He initially acted like it was all about "me" (he was a good listener, said he wanted to "nurture" me if I was sick, etc.), then it became all about him. I still can't believe that my sweet, darling, loving man turned into this.

He just stopped talking to me shortly after I discovered his lying about things. (Oh, and he looked me straight in the face and said "I've never lied to you".) Only there was a two week period in between where he would alternate between saying very loving things and then being lost in silent thought with no response to any comment I made.

After having the most unbelievable communication I have ever had with a man, he just wouldn't communicate at all. One day, he was telling me that he's not "yanking my chain" and two days later, he was just gone! No discussion! Never broke up - he just disappeared into thin air, never to be heard from again. Told me he "needed his space" to "work things through", that he was tired and needed to get off the phone for now and never communicated with me again!! Never even answered an email! After being MADLY in love with me, manipulating me into genuinely loving him and then parading me around like his shiny new toy in front of everyone he knew. Then, I was just "out". Three weeks later, he was on an internet dating site, and he is still on there 7 months later. Truly weird.

I know what you all feel like. It's like you are in love with an apparition - a man who never existed in reality.

Oh, and lxchel - the guy before this one proposed and then shortly afterward, a friend asked him what was new and he replied "same old, same old". I didn't say anything, but that's when I realized that the engagement was only "lip service" to me. He also kept having workout "accidents" every time we were supposed to go ring shopping. Stalling techniques. I broke up with him 3 weeks later.

I swear, the only men who are left are damaged in some way that doesn't allow them to be in a normal relationship!!

I recently read an article about the concept of "narcissistic supply" where the narcissist spends his day putting his efforts into getting strokes for himself and when a "source" of his stroking has dissipated, he will abruptly "dump" this source and seek out other sources. I think that's what all of these men have done. Once we figured out who they really were, they didn't like the reflection of themselves they saw in our (now opened) eyes. If you put "narcissistic supply" into google, you will find excerpts from a book some guy wrote and then you can navigate around his website. It was fascinating how well he described what happened to me! He also says that narcissism can be confused with BP-II. He says there are narcissistic "cycles", defined by when the narcissist either has sufficient "supply" (strokes) or has gone off in search of it. The compulsive spending, joining organizations and blowing in and out of new relationships can also be ways of feeding their narcissistic egos with more "supply" of strokes.

The hardest part is that I miss the guy I thought he was.

I hope you two recover more quickly than I did. I laid in bed, completely catatonic for 6 months. I'm OK now, though. I've posted a lot on here - you can read my old posts and maybe you'll feel like you're not alone. Also, read the ones by "Mystified" who had a similar experience to mine. Good luck to both of you in your recovery.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: chattycathy,

chattycathy, I'm really sorry for what you went through. I'll look up the narcissistic suppy article. It sounds like it might help explain a lot, especially with the cheating. My ex always kept in touch with his old girlfriends and had lots of female friends (drove me nuts). I always felt like he did that so he could turn to them when I wasn't being sweet enough to him. If I tried to get him to get serious about tackling problems in his life, like a medical problem or his bi-polar, he would start shutting me out and he'd be e-mailing or phoning them. That's how he ended up cheating again. It was always an ego boost for him. Or if he was just going through the down phase in his bi-polar and got bored or depressed, he would start looking around for someone to flirt with to cheer himself up. As soon as he had a fling to think about he would start into the manic phase again. I learned to recognize the signs. That's sad.

The restaurant thing was so annoying to me. I was sitting there with a 2-carat diamond ring on my finger that he had picked out himself to surprise me. Then, as soon as the excitement of asking me to marry him was over, I was yesterday's news. I felt like it was typical bi-polar behavior for him. He was in the manic phase leading up to the proposal -- all happy and excited, thrilled for a few days afterwards. He was incredibly romantic. He proposed to me on the rooftop of a villa in Cozumel, overlooking the sea. Then, when the excitement wore off, he was already changing moods and forgot all about it. He bottomed out after that. He started planning his affair with an old friend the day he got back from our trip, just two weeks after asking me to marry him.

I'm glad you're doing okay now. I am, too, mostly. I wish my ex would get some help. He says he finally agrees with his diagnosis that he is bi-polar, and that he has been having some moral and behavior problems and hurting people, but he still won't get treatment. He just makes excuses about why he can't get treatment now.

You must be so upset! You actually got the RING! And, in such a romantic way!! My guy was just talking about going ring shopping and then, a couple of weeks later, he just shut down. I don't think he ever cheated on me. I was only with him for 2-1/2 months. But, I did find evidence, that before he met me, he was using the same techniques he used on me (writing personalized fables and other very romantic talk) to convince other women that he was their soulmate. After reading the "narcissistic supply article, I've come to understand that he used these techniques to get strokes for his ego.

The HARDEST part of this is that not one of my friends understands. They all think I did something to make him turn off so suddenly. (Yeah, what I did was to discover that he had lied to me about who he was!) At least you have a definite diagnosis of bipolar disorder - not that this is "garden variety" bipolar behavior. Most bipolar people feel remorse for their behavior, your guy and my ex are both narcissists as well. They swept us off our feet, threw us off a cliff and then just left us behind like road kill, with no empathy for what they have done to us emotionally.

And, I just didn't "go along" with everything at first. I had had a similar experience 14 years ago and never recovered from it ..... told him the whole story and he was so sympathetic. Then he went and did the EXACT SAME THING!! I still can't believe it happened. I feel like it was some kind of dream and I just woke up from it. Only I have the photos and emails from him to prove what he did! And, you have a 2-carat diamond. I hope you kept it. Mine bought me an expensive tiny digital camera for my birthday and gave it to me a month early. I sent it back to him. I couldn't bear to look at it. I still have the diamond tennis bracelet the guy 14 years ago bought for me and it's hidden away somewhere. After he disappeared, I never wore it again.

Even if your guy gets treatment for his bipolar, you will still have the narcissism to contend with. There is no "pill" for that. You could marry him, have kids and then, one day he can walk in the door, say he doesn't love you anymore and just leave you! I've read about it happening to other women (and men) on here and on another website. One woman, who is pregnant with her 5th child, had her husband start sleeping around with the women he works with. This was one month after giving her a 5 carat diamond ring for their 10th or 15th anniversary and being so overcome with love and emotion for her that he had tears in his eyes. Now she's getting divorced around the same time as she delivers their 5th child. Can you imagine? They were childhood sweethearts and are in their mid-30's now. He is a doctor and she was with him all during medical school. He has had one other manic phase, four years before this one and they stayed together through that. He is still undiagnosed. From what I have read, some BP doesn't show up until the person is about 30 years old and then it gets worse with age, if left untreated.

The fact that your guy is doing what he is doing is a VERY bad sign. It will not get better unless he gets help. And, even then, he can always revert back to form several years from now and leave you in the lurch.

I'm so sorry. Take that ring and sell it and buy yourself something nice.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: chattycathy,

I think I'm fortunate because I see a counselor myself once a month. She keeps reminding me that I didn't do anything wrong. I don't have anything to feel bad about in this case, as far as ending things. It would be different if he were trying to get some help, but he knows what his problem is and he won't do anything about it. If he were making a genuine effort to get help, I would be there for him, but he's not doing that at all.

I'm just concerned now because he still has to get some things out of my house. I'm afraid when I see him again that I will forgive him and things will go right back to the way they were, which is no good for either of us. I always forgive him and he never learns or changes. It's time to stop doing that. It's just so hard when you see somebody and your old feelings come back.

He's got to get some professional help if he wants to straighten out his life. I can't help him and he hasn't been able to do it himself.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Ixchel,

I had stuff at my guy's place IN ANOTHER STATE!! He had told me to leave some things there, so I could just fly in and out over the next two months until we were engaged and living together there. I had to contact HIM after he just stopped talking to me in order to make arrangements to get my stuff back. I also had driven back to my state with over $1000 in store credits from the returns of the stuff he had compulsively shopped, that I had spent two weeks taking back to various stores. I was afraid if I left the credits with him, that he would lose them. I arranged a time with him and left the stuff on my doorstep for him to make the exchange - my stuff for his stuff. It was at this time that I also gave back the expensive digital camera he had given me. I was very passive-aggressive about making the exchange. I had to call him and remind him to do it, as he wasn't emailing me and he was going to be driving back to his state in a day or so (it was during the Thanksgiving break). He barely spoke to me and I think he was scared that I would open my door and confront him. I didn't.

If you don't want to see your guy, you can make a similar arrangement for him to pick up his stuff. Just don't be a dummy like me and give back anything to him that he has bought for you. Especially not the ring. You deserve it.

I wish I had kept that digital camera, as I need a new one and the one he got me is so popular and hard to find that it's selling for over-market prices. I also wish I had kept the credits. My stuff wasn't worth that much - it was just personal stuff to me (manicure set, creams, nightie/robe set, cologne, blow dryer, lighted makeup mirror, etc.) I could have bought a lot of new stuff with $1000 worth of credit slips to places like Linens and things, Costco, Barnes & Noble, etc.

quote:

Originally posted by chattycathy:
It sounds like he's gone manic on you. He may be back when he comes out of it and realizes what he's done. If he does, you need to stand firm that he get medicated. If he doesn't like pharmaceuticals, you can go to www.truehope.com and try their Empower Plus supplement. I saw a "Discovery Channel" special on it, and it works for a lot of people. Certainly worth a try. You can see the 6 part special on www.youtube.com - just type in "Truehope" and "discovery" into the search engine. He can also eat a healthier diet incorporating a lot of wild caught salmon, organic fresh fruits and veges, cutting down on packaged processed foods, and utilize some non-traditional methods of self-calming, such as yoga, tai chi and meditation, to lessen his symptoms.

Cathy: I was looking for info on the internet today and stumbled across this bb. I CAN'T BELIEVE you're posting this garbage about nutritional supplements vs. medications to treat SERIOUS MENTAL ILLNESS. Do you have any idea just how much of a disservice you are doing by posting this as an alternative to taking meds?????????? I am outraged! The products may be OK taken WITH meds (although probably a waste of money), but to suggest them as an alternative is just plain irresponsible.

(a) I was suggesting these supplements because she had already said that the guy REFUSED to consider regular meds!

(b) Unless and until you have viewed the 6 part Discovery Channel series on this stuff, please refrain from giving your opinion. I thought it was a bunch of bull as well, but it was apparently studied at HARVARD and was found to be effective. It has been used in Canada for many years and has saved lives of people.

IT MAY NOT WORK FOR EVERYONE AS EVERYONE HAS A DIFFERENT BODY CHEMISTRY, BUT IT HAS WORKED FOR MANY, MANY PEOPLE AND IS CERTAINLY WORTH A TRY. There are psychiatrists who are using it in their practices and the company can refer to them. BTW, I only heard about this supplement because someone on the MDJunction Board (that you say in your other post here that you "ventured" over from), posted a link to the 6-part Discovery Channel special. There are a few threads on the supplement and it is helping some people on the other board. Why don't you read what they have to say before passing judgement on ME?

I recommended that she watch the program and made a determination for herself. How DARE you call me irresponsible for merely making a suggestion. BTW, the salmon suggestion for alleviating depression has been in the literature for YEARS! It was even covered in Newsweek around 8 years ago.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: chattycathy,

I stand by what I posted. You may have a master's degree, but I have over 20 years of OJT and research under my belt.

I didn't say the salmon and other nutritional supplements aren't beneficial. Vitamin B12 and Omega 3 fish oil seem to be very helpful. But I will reiterate that it is IRRESPONSIBLE to leave people with the impression that these things are an ALTERNATIVE TO MEDICATION. I've only met one person in my entire life who is able to handle their BP reasonably with no meds, and I know many, many BP people.

As far as the poster who said their SO wouldn't consider regular medication--evidently that BP isn't yet miserable enough or not responsible enough to make the right decision and get treatment. Whether or not the non-BP SO can hold out until the person does is up to them.

Too bad you didn't post this link as well:

http://bipolar.about.com/cs/altercomp/a/truehope.htm