Bipolar Depression

I have been married 8 years and have 3 children ages 1, 6, and 7. When I first met my husband, I knew he had OCD, but was otherwise a caring and kind man. He once mentioned tome he had been on Lithium, but it "gave him a headache", so he quit. I had no idea what Lithium was, so didnt think much of it.
Once we married, the troubles seemed to come out of nowhere. Name-calling, threats, ignoring. Wr had our first son, who was ver colicky. Everything got worse, and he refused to do any child care whatsoever. He began also to have what I called "obsessions"...he would suddenly become completely consumed by something and would only think,eat,or breathe that thing for about 6 months, to the point that he literally did NOTHING else. Then, suddenly, he would drop it and become hateful again. First it was snowmobiles, then it was body building, then a certain breed of dog, then real estate, etc. Each obsession was also accompanied by extreme overspending, and then blaming me with wild reasons for us not having money.
Fast forward to now. He spends everyday laying om the couch either zoning or screaming out orders.He is very verbally abusive. He threatens and tries to blackmail me into staying, but then says he hates us all and that he never wants to see us again, and, of course, its ALL MY FAULT. We have no money, even though he is paid well. He does NO child care, doesnt even pickup after himself. He has knocked me down kicked me,and then laughed and said I can never prove it and he will just lie. In the past, I tried to call the police while he was raging and he snapped my cell in half.
He is cruel to our oldest son. Today, my son wasnt feeling well(he has strep throat) and began to cry.
My husband picked up a baby toy off the ground, and threw it at my son's head, connecting but leaving no bruise. He turned, knocked my daughter down, began cursing us out and told the kids it was all MY fault for making him miserable, and that HE wasnt sorry.
Two weeks ago he promised to get help. Obviously, now, when I asked him what changed his mind,he just laughs. He tells me I have the problem, not him, and he isn't doing a thing.
I need to get us safe. He is going to hurt one of us,or I am going to hurt him protecting the kids. I am terrified of him getting unsupervised visitation of the kids, and then attacking them freely. I cannot prove his bipolar, but I do believe he has a past diagnosis. He once went to a therapist, but as soon as they began discussing bipolar, he refused to ever go back or return her calls.
HELP me help myself...and the kids be safe... what can I do???

Hi,

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I have the least experience with BP among the people on this board, but since no one has answered you, I thought I'd give you a few suggestions.

For starters, if I were you I'd start keeping a diary of all the things your husband is doing to you and the kids. Nothing fancy - just in a notebook. Note the date and time and what he did. And, DON'T EVER LET HIM SEE IT. Hide it good.

Also, if you have a tape recorder, try to tape him if he is verbally abusive either live or on the phone. (There are places where you can get this type of surveillance equipment.)

If there is a battered women's shelter in your town, go there and talk to some of the people in charge. They will probably know of techniques to use and possible solutions for your situation. And, they will know about lawyers, etc. who may have experience with this type of thing and may help you for free. Don't just check out one - go to all of them that you can find and see which staff you feel the most comfortable with. Plus, one shelter may have access to info that another shelter may not. If there are no shelters nearby, try the next major city. Also, your local place of worship may have some referrals for you.

I know this will be hard with 3 little kids tagging along. Maybe you have a friend you can leave them with during the day for a few hours? You say that your husband has taken to laying on the couch all day. Has he stopped working or maybe he works nights?? If so, it will be difficult for you to leave during the day without arousing suspicion.

I'm no expert on BP, but the obsessions and spending sound like mania to me. Although the OCD may explain it - you need to speak to a psychiatrist about him - there may be some who donate their time to the battered women's shelters. Others on here have described their BP husbands as being abusive - so he may indeed have the disease, especially since he admitted he was previously on lithium.

From what I have read online, BP people are particularly vulnerable to stress. Getting married and having 3 kids may have created undue stress for him. The way you describe his behavior it appears that he can't deal with what occurs when there are children around. Did he want children? Was he ever nice to them? It's sad, that the kind and caring man you describe has turned into this monster. I'm also wondering how long your courtship was? You may have met him while he was in the charismatic manic phase and maybe he swept you off your feet, so that you would marry him before noticing problems. Someone on this board said that this scenario tends to be the BP's M.O

I hope you get other answers from those who really have experience with this disease. Good luck to you.

"i need to get us safe. He is going to hurt one of us,or I am going to hurt him protecting the kids. I am terrified of him getting unsupervised visitation of the kids, and then attacking them freely. I cannot prove his bipolar, but I do believe he has a past diagnosis. He once went to a therapist, but as soon as they began discussing bipolar, he refused to ever go back or return her calls.
HELP me help myself...and the kids be safe... what can I do???"

i think you know what you have to do.this WILL NOT stop until you make it.go to the courthouse,file for an expart'e with involuntary evaluation.you're basically asking a judge to remove your husband from the home,send him to a mental health facility to be evaluated by a pdoc.then he will be court ordered to recieve treatment.its not an easy thing to do.been there done that.there will be a instant hate from him.but if he responds to treatment ,he will thank you.if not you and the kids can be safe.you can also add a "no contact" order until he is stable.the entire process only took a few hours and was well worth it.

i dont see him wanting to change his behavoir unless a drastic event occurrs.do the expart'e so you have control of the what the "drastic event" is.!!!

Thank you so much for your helpful replies. Unfortunately, the situation deteorated to the point that I had to take the kids and run on Christmas Eve, with one of the kids having strep throat.I am with my family now, but it was pretty traumatic for the kids, and very sad for me. Yes, I have received calls expressing his hatred for me already and multiple threats, from both him and his family.
For the first poster, we dated for 2 years prior to getting married. He holds a good day job now, which he hates, but all his other time is spent either on the couch stewing in fury, or excitedly chasing his obsessions.
Something has to be done NOW. Thanks, again, for your advice!

oh, and I forgot to add..he wanted the kids. He was delighted when he learned we were expecting each time...but it quickly transformed into hate for me. the first was a surprise, but happily wanted. The other two were wanted and planned by us both.

Hello Heather,

I am so sorry to hear of your plight, but relieved to hear that you are now safe with family. Strange how your husband initially wanted the children, but then became overwhelmed by his responsibilities. How sad for you. It appears strongly that there is some kind of mental illness on his part and it is unfortunate that he hid this so well during your 2 year courtship.

What the second poster said is good advice. Your husband is in need of a professional psych evaluation. And, you need to find a good lawyer who specializes in this type of thing. I also think it wouldn't hurt to discuss your situation with a local women's shelter and see if they have any referrals, resources or advice.

Blessings and good luck to you.