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I've read here and everywhere else about the trials and tribulations of being married to someone that has BP, about how 90-95% end in divorce, and it seems even my therapist is telling me, "if your wife is boipolar, you are screwed." I sense that the 5-10% that make it work may not feel the need to vent in a forum, hence it is rare to find their advice or opinions (their marriages are working, after all). In case there is any of that 5-10% here that reads this forum, I'd like to know this: what are the differentiators/keys to success/"ten commandments" of making a marriage to a BP successful? Or is the 5-10% not divorced simply not divorced YET?
As you suspect, these web boards are "self-selecting" for those who have problems with their relationships and elsewhere. The 5-10% of BP relationships that work are out there living their lives - they have no need to post for advice on web boards. So, you will probably not find your answers here. Best guess? Those who are doing well are taking regular meds and using relaxation techniques to achieve a calm and peaceful life. Also, I'll bet they are very organized so there are less things to "trigger" BP issues.
Of course, then there are the ones who are highly co-dependent with their significant others and it's just a matter of time before the split - or maybe they'll just stay in a stressful marriage/relationship that is not working and live their lives that way. It happens all the time.
Posts: 146 | Location: u.s. | Registered: 11-17-2007
My friend I wish I had an answer for you myself. You are asking the same question I have been pondering. My wife has been diagnoised with bipolar since before we were married. About 5 yrs ago. I was able to deal with her mood swings and her highs and lows because they were always reflected on someone or something other than me. Well now 1 and half months ago she turned on me and now don't get me wrong you read alot about the aggressive people that are bipolar. well my wife hasn't gotten to that stage yet she said she just needed some space to figure things out. well now its I love you, you are my best friend but I don't feel any intimacy with you and I don't know why. She has been to her theripist and her pyschatrist. the uped her limictal and that was it. We talk everyday but she does not want to come home. or have any physical contact with me. We have been going to marriage counseler to see if we can sort it out but no prevail. I don't want to be in that 90 to 95% I want to be in the 5 to 10%. Its very hard you feel lost and you have this pain inside that is almost unbarible. You can't eat or sleep. I know they say you need to take care of yourself but it is so hard when you love someone that much and you don't want to loose them. then try adding into the mix a young child. My daughter is 3 yrs old and she asked me this morning why me and mommy arnt together. very painful. But I must be one of the crazy ones I just can't give up hope that she will come back or I will maybe someday get the strength to move on. Sorry I am rambling. I know that I propably didnt answer any of your question but if you love all you can do is understand the desease and her. Also go to her theripists and maybe try a marriage counseler who has delt with couples like yourself. Make sure she takes her meds and give her some space when she needs it. I think that is why mine left for now because I was trying to hard and not allowing her own space. Now all I can do is wait.
You have my sincere hope that things will work out for you the way you want them to. It didnt for me. I was at the same place as you about 5 years ago. June 29 2003 to be exact. It is good you understand bp - I didn't at the time.
I have one caution for you. You say "I think that is why mine left for now because I was trying to hard and not allowing her own space."
The reason she left likely has nothing to do with you or anything you did in giving or not giving space. The likely reason she left is that she is bipolar. Its not you. The sooner you internalize that, the better off you will be. No matter whether you get back together or not. Its nothing you did.
Well, I pretty much have to agree with the first response of chattycathy.
I've been living with a BP for 16 years now. I've witnessed the most passionate Love Making imagianable and I have been attacked with knives, guns, telephones, soda bottles, etc. I tried to make it work for 16 years and during that time, I guess I belonged to the 5-10% who "Make it work" but not anymore!
For those 16 years, I was actually part of the problem by always hoping tomorrow would be better. It has never been.
I'm to the point now, that I believe, Divorce is now a matter of survival.
i think I might be in the 5-10% making it work. Over a year ago my husband was diagnosed. It really did not come as a shock since all the symptoms were there. While he was in a mager episode he was leaving me for a number of different reasons ( i didnt deserve this life to he didnt love me anymore) With medication he did get himself back to being level. We have been fine since then. He sees his pdoc once a month ( will be seeing a new doc though since the old one wont see him anymore- show one manic rage in the waiting room and its all over) He takes his medicine like clock work. We have a code. right now we do not feel his med is the right dose, he seems to let the rage creep up way to quick. When this happens though he goes into our office and closes the door. I then know it is time to give him some space. After an hour two tops he comes back out and all is fine. we will be celebrating our ten year anniversary next weekend and I could not be happier. Do I know that my marriage will go on forever? No not at all, does anyone? Maybe I am more prepared for others for a possible end- for example every bill I have I know I can pay alone if that happens, I wont buy a car I cant afford alone. My husband and I are very aware of his moods and reactions to all meds. He allows me to be a big part of his treatments- I do not go to every pdoc appt but maybe half. I am happy at home yet here I am on this message board. I still find that I need advise and reading how others handle things, has helped me through tough times. all I can really say as advise is you have to be open with each other, and educate yourseves. Read everything you can get your hands on about bipolar. My first adn favorite book was bipolar for dummies. everything is written so you can understand it and they cover a small amount of everything. I hope maybe i have helped.
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