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I have read so much on the internet but I am still so confused!!! I think my husband might be biopolar. He has the rage and will fly off the handle. It is like walking on eggshells around here. He will say very mean and hurtful things to me with no remorse later--- forget about ever apologizing!!! He always says he acted the way he did because it was just a reaction to what I said or did. We have had sex in a very long time and the last time we did he had trouble with getting an erection. I want more kids but he says it is out of the question because he can't stand me. He will go from being nice and pleasant to getting into a big fight within seconds. Every fight is always my fault according to him. But here is where I am confused---- he does not seem to be interested in sex with me at all. He does look at porn several times a week. He also drinks a lot on the weekends. I have seen no signs of depression. From every thing I have read on biopolar it says they have depressed moods as well as the manic. So any info. anyone can give me would be appreciated!!! Thanks
It's so hard to diagnose relationships. I experienced very similar things in the past. I would have periods where I felt that way about my wife. But I learned that they always passed, leaving me guilty for having felt that way. Along with the feelings comes, at times, a lack of interest in sex. But that too also passes.
Since finding the right medication things have improved a lot. I am very happy in my relationship, and this makes my wife happy also. Keep pursuing treatment options, it took me several years to get things close to being right, and I'm still tweaking. But it's worth it.
Bipolar (BP) or Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) are both fits for the characteristics you describe.
It could also be symptoms of thyroid, adrenal, or testosterone deficiencies related to his endocrine system that a full physical and full blood work will detect. ED (erectile disfunction) can be managed, and testosterone therapy and Cialis can get your sex life back on track. He should get a physical asap.
From a non-medical perspective, he could also be having an affair. This might sound blunt, but your marriage is more likely to survive this possibility than a BP/BPD diagnosis. For your own peace of mind, buy a GPS unit for about $100 or so, and drop it in his car for a day or two, retrieve it, and it will give you a full timeline of his whereabouts. Depending on what you find, you can take appropriate actions thereafter.
Please see my post "BP-Non-BP Relationship Patterns from a long term Non-BP Survivor" in this forum to see if there are any more characteristics that fit.
Regardless of whether he is BP, BPD or otherwise physically affected, you need help yourself immediately. I strongly recommend that you seek counseling to assist you in maintaining your own sanity and self esteem. If you cannot afford it, or are reluctant to seek therapy, then a good interim resource is the book "Walking on Eggshells" which you can purchase for about $15 at any bookstore. It's one of the few references that provides effective coping strategies for Non-BP/BPD spouses and family members that can help you bridge the gap until things escalate (and they will if you do not take action).
One thing I did not mention in my posts is that in 25 years, my (now) ex-wife never apologized for anything - ever. I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for a revelation.
Lastly, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. While you might not be able to imagine life without your spouse, and it might be terrifying at the moment to consider the potential dismantling of the life you have built together so far, life goes on. It took a lot of work and reconstruction of my life without my ex-BP-spouse but I am happier than I could have imagined or hoped for five years ago, and have a rich and fulfilling life.
Good luck. Take care.
G
Posts: 28 | Location: New Jersey | Registered: 11-01-2007
Thanks for the GJ! It really does help. the lack of sex in our marriage has been going on for the last 5 years. It does tell me he feels guilty but won't do much to change that. He also would NEVER believe he has biopolar so working on getting any meds for it is out of the question.
G Thanks so much for the info. I have read your post on Common Patterns and Events and found it very helpful. I printed it off and have been looking over it. He did have some blood work done and everything looked ok. Not sure what all they checked--- not enough I am sure. I would love for him to go and get a full physical and discuss this "problem" with the dr. but he says there is no problem--- he just does not want to have sex with me. I have thought about him having an affair as well. So far his whereabouts all check out but I will take your advice and go get the GPS unit. Sometimes I do feel as if I am just hanging on for the inevitable divorce that is around the corner. It is hard thinking about that since I want very different things in my life right now. I am 39 with a wonderful 5 year old and thought we would be blessed with more children and a happy little family. Now when I look at it all I feel as if he is just putting me off for his own selfish reasons or maybe it is all about control. I worry about all of this and my 5 year old. Do you have kids and how have they adjusted to the BP spouse?
Normal blood tests do not include tests for thyroid, testosterone and adrenal function. If your husband's standard blood test shows elevated cholesterol (200+), borderline high sugar (100+), and his body temperature is consistently low, when combined with the other symptoms you described, he should be tested further. Low thryroid (hypothyroid) often goes hand in hand with high cholesterol, and low testosterone. If the thyroid is normal, low testosterone is often coincident with high cholesterol and elevated blood sugar. In summary, a single disfunction of the endocrine system will ripple throughout the body and effect multiple systems.
Other physical indicators of low testosterone and the lack of sex life you indicate include a pronounced "beer belly" and "love handles" along with behaviorial symptoms of lethargy and uncontrollable outbursts of rage and depression. Another indicator of low tetosterone is if he cannot maintain an erection or has been unable to have one on multiple occassions, which you state has been the case.
Again, the good news is that these conditions are easily treatable, and may be simply related to stress, poor diet and poor sleep habits. Once corrective actions are take and/or treatment is started, everything should quickly come back online and your sex life should see immediate improvement.
If the problem is related to vascular (blood system) problems, then there is still hope in the form of ED medications, and mechanical help, but these topics are beyond the scope of this board and information in this regard can be found elsewhere on the web. If he is 40+, then he should have a stress test which checks the heart & vascular systems among other things. The only other thing I would recommend in this regard is if he smokes (and if you smoke), stop it, now.
At 39 years old, you are at your sexual peak. I don't understand the physiological reasons behind the huge gap between when men reach their sexual peak (teens/20's) and women reach theirs (30's/40's) but the gap can become even wider and more intolerable when medical conditions come into play. I do believe that when sex stops, then intimacy and marriage are not far behind.
The most valuable asset a woman has is her youth, and you are stil a young, vital woman. Whether your marriage will stand the difficult tests you describe, or not, you owe it to yourself and your child to take care of yourself, work out, sleep, and maintain a healthy diet. Aside from the personal benefits, it will also help you better cope with stress and your marriage difficulties. Latly, should your marriage dissolve, you will find it a lot easier to meet other potential partners if you take care of yourself. You can expect to live for another 40 to 60 years, or more, and if you are not working out now, it is never too late to start. I suggest a vigorous weight training program above all other exercise regimens.
Regarding your 5 year old, all children are deeply affected by their parents but the good news is that they are mostly hard wired and extremely resilient. Great parents can have lousy kids and lousy parents can have great kids but mostly the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree. We can only hope our children take on the best characteristics of both parents. I have four children and we all went through very difficult times with my BP wife, but there were plenty of good times as well. They are well adjusted and good kids and all coming to terms in their own way with divorce.
I can tell you that if you take control of your life, things will get better. It has been 5 years since I divorced, after a 20 year marriage, and I am doing well. Everyone on this message board is in a different place on the timeline, with your situation being in the early "what the heck is going on" phase. You have made the first step by seeking information here and elsewhere, and will hopefully make better choices for it.
Good luck. Take care.
G
Posts: 28 | Location: New Jersey | Registered: 11-01-2007
The most valuable asset a woman has is her youth, and you are stil a young, vital woman. Whether your marriage will stand the difficult tests you describe, or not, you owe it to yourself and your child to take care of yourself, work out, sleep, and maintain a healthy diet. Aside from the personal benefits, it will also help you better cope with stress and your marriage difficulties. Latly, should your marriage dissolve, you will find it a lot easier to meet other potential partners if you take care of yourself. You can expect to live for another 40 to 60 years, or more, and if you are not working out now, it is never too late to start. I suggest a vigorous weight training program above all other exercise regimens. G
I would like to both agree and to disagree with you I completely agree that mom2bb should take care of herself physically and emotionally . I certainly don't agree that the most valuable asset of a woman is her youth! No - a womans most valuable asset is her strength, stamina ability to love and contain in a way that no man can. Age has absolutely nothing to do with anything except with age. mom2bb needs to be available for herself and needs to lookout for her and her child's interests first and for most. And I have to add one more thing to consider her - some men are violent. physically or verbally or mentally without being bp or bpd. They get there scenes of self by diminishing somebody else's sense of self - or by belittling them. It hit me right away that this is the case. sometimes things aren't as complex as one may seem. Mom2bb needs to think about how she wants to be treated and who she is and whether this is acceptable behavior as far as she is concerned. It wouldn't be for me. She needs to own it. and take responsibility for herself and her child (which of course she is doing already)
