Bipolar Depression

My wife and I have been married 2 years and together for 7. She had 2 children prior to our marriage and i adopted them. She has had a rough life. One child she doesnt know the father of, men in and out of her life and i am her second marriage. We have seperated on numerour occasions and during one of these times she had an affair. We had been going to marriage counseling for about 4 weeks when she decides that she can't see this relationship working out and that she doesnt love me nor doesnt think that it will work becuase this is what she thinks and feels. Yesterday she went back to the marriage counselor by herself and the counselor has given her a test to see if she is bipolar and it does run her family. She told me the results are type 1 bipolar. She is going to seek help this upcoming week, but she still wants a divorce. My question is does she really want a divorce or is it the bipolar? Please help I love her very much and dont want to lose my wife.

Hi. I don't have a wife, but I have a roommate whom I love very much. She just got a job and plans to move out soon. She says we're poison to each other. For the past few years, we've been living together. She hasn't had a job all this time, so I've always been the one supporting her in every way. So when she says that we're poison to each other and doesn't want to live with me anymore, it hurts very much. She just doesn't see how much I care for her. She's never apologised for all the hurt she's done to me.

What should you do? Much as we both love these people, let them do what they want to do. They're adults. Even if it hurts very badly, let them go. But if you really love her, be ready if she should return. That's what's in my heart to do. If or when she does decide to leave, if she should ever come back, I'll always be here for her. That's how much I love her.

ConfusedinMO,

I have been where you are. 20 yrs marraige and 2 kids when she left without notice several years ago. In my opinion your question: does she really want a divorce or is it the bipolar?
may be unanswerable. I have found that after a number of years dealing with bp wife (not even knowing she was bp for the first several years) that the individual you originally were attracted to is likely gone. For a while it might be possible to tell when it is the "bp" talking and when the "original" person but over time it is not possible to separate the bp from the personality. She is what she is and that includes the bp. A doctor once told me after one of her suicide attempts that "she is a different person from the one you used to know" The doctor was correct. The original person is not there any more. The new is some mixture of the old and the bipolar person. Over more time the bipolar personality seemed to dominate. The bipolar is not separate from her. It is part of her personaility. Whatever she is now with the bipolar disorder, she probably does want a divorce. If she did not ever have the disease, she might not want one - but that will never happen.

Although you don;t want to lose your wife, it is possible that you have and don;t even know it yet. Step back. Take a look at what she is (or has become). You are not responsible for her mental illness although she will try to make that so. She will try to keep your focus on her and how you have to change yourself to make her happy. You will likely always fail at this.

My advice to you is to take a look at your life and what you want. Do you want a relationship with these children? If so, focus on making one. Do you want a spouse that loves you and can share life with you? If so, you probably need to find someone else. Do you want to take care of her for the rest of her (your) life while being blamed for all the problems in her life, told you are "controlling" in response to your care, accused of all kinds of abuse that never happened? (I am not being sarcastic, this will be your life and some very saintly people want to do it). If so, then be ready for it. It won't be fun - could be rewarding to you I suppose.

My choices (with the wisdom of my experience) would definitely be: 1) get the divorce she wants asap 2) focus on building your relationship with your kids - even if she starts with custody, you will have custody (and a lot of responsibility and support to deliver) soon enough 3) find a new partner to be happy with for the rest of your life and make sure they aren't bipolar.

Take care of yourself, your kids, and your life. The person you knew is gone. Similar in a way to death. Sorry if this is harsh. It is my experience.

They all talk like this!! Get out and get that divorce. I have wasted so much time trying to convince myself otherwise and have ended up in the same place as most people in our positions. I was with my husband for 6 years and for what? This illness is so cruel and it destroys the lives of all it touches. Protect yourself and your children please!! Sorry for being so matter of fact but I hate to see people go through the distress that I have suffered. Good luck and take care.

Get out, get out, get out! Grab that divorce and run...even if she tries to talk you out of it once she "comes down"..just get out. Build a relationship with your children and find someone for a mutually loving relationship in time. Trust me...I've been there. Unless you want to get hit by a truck, SWERVE OUT OF THE WAY NOW! You will be saving yourself money, heartache and self respect...Never underestimate the destructiveness of this mental illness...You need to go...and NOW.

I was just curious after reading everyones post what I should do?? I am on the other end I was just diagnosed with BP. I want to make my relationship work, but I know I am difficult to deal with (so maybe more than just difficult) but is this to say I can't have a lasting relationship?? It pangs me to read these posts and know what my partner is going through.

I read your posts and know that I am putting him through this too, he is only 24. Should I tell him to count his losses and leave before I have ruined his life? We just had a baby 1 year ago, what should I do??

Feeling all alone: I'm sorry you are having so many problems with this woman. I'm sure it hurts you when she does hurtful things and doesn't apologize. I think healthy individuals apologize when they have done things wrong, but unhealthy people don't. Maybe she didn't apologize because she knew that her behavior would happpen over and over. I often thinks that's why my husband never really bothered to apologize for the hurtful things he did to me and our kid. Oh and if he did apologize for something he would say it in a really nasty way so I'm sure he never meant it. You can forgive her on your own. Just don't make the mistake I did of excusing selfish and abusive behavior. Good luck to you.

JSmith: As always you give peoople some of the best advice ever. You and I understand that no matter what you do as an indiividual, our bp significant others don't change. There is always drama, chaos,lies,blaming and a whole lot of other unacceptable behavior. Now that I am out of that toxic relationship I can see the pattern of his behavior ever so clearly (though I still don't understand it). My soon to be ex can go from being a gentleman, to being verbally and emotionally abusive, to being a "poor me" guy, to threatening physical violence, to being kind etc.etc. etc. in just hours somedays, and other times in a matter of weeks. He used to blame me for causing him to feel all these different emotions which is something I never understood until i learned about bp. I've been out of his life for several months and the thing is he still floats through these same emotions even though I'm not in his life anymore. I know this because when I do eventually check my voicemail and delete his message (sometimes I listen to them but most of the time I don't), his messages display all these different emotions. Thing is he probably still doesn't see the problem is him. I'm glad I finally found the strength to let him deal with that problem on his own.

Shandy: I'm sorry you are hurting. I'm sorry I can't give you much advise on what you should do. I don't really know what helps people with bp be stable and sustain healthy relationships as my husband never did. I do want to applaud you for coming on here asking for help, and taking responsibility for the things that you do that are hurtful to your significant other. That says you are more insightful about your condition that alot of our spouses or former spouses. Anyway I hope some of our veterans here will post and give you some good advice.

confused,
not sure i would accept the dx from a therapist.the so called test is not much more than a personality test.she should really seek a psyciratrist(sp).now based on her past and the test if does seem to be consisitent with bipolar.has meds been started yet?although a therapist generally cant prescribe meds.anyway more than likely bp would cause a "divorse" thinking.heard it many times myself.
read all the posts here and learn about the illness.talk to your therapist about it.others have told you to run.they had very bad experiences.does not mean you will too.its not a good start though.i do not believe the decision to run should be made in fear or anger.so think about it.if she files on her own then you dont have to make a decision.its done.chances are she wont.(my experience).she will however continue the same behavior if you allow it.there are success stories for marraiges with bp.(not many on this board)its really to early to tell yet for you.

shandy,
you may just be one of the success stories.why,because you have awareness.now what can you do?learn about your illness.get therapy.dont just talk about the weather!get inside your head!tell your s/o what you feel all the time.not just when your angry or in a normal mood.answer his questions honestly.if you've done wrong then admitt it.that is the first step.then work on not doing wrong.you cant stop the mood changes.you can lessen the way you act.you can learn about your meds and reconize your moods.encourage your s/o to get educated on bp.most imprtant....dont blame him.nothing you do is his fault.its your decisions that affect your actions.
as a spouse of a bp the one thing that gets me is when she tells me how i feel.or how i should feel.i feel the way i want.thats one area i still have control.dont take that from him.let him have feelings,let him hurt,dont hurt him then expect him to just get over it.bp's have a way of forgeting or blocking out pain.we dont.
its kinda of like you have just as much to learn about us as we have to learn about you.

good luck to both of you.

Givenup,

thanks much for your compliment. It is excellent that you are being able to see things from a "distance". I think it was not until there was distance (in both time and space terms) that I could begin to understand all that had happened to me, my family, and my bp ex. I am still not sure I do. I continue to learn things on this board that help me understand what was happening at various times in the last 5, 10, or even 15 years. At many of those past times, I was not aware my bp ex was bp or even what bp was. Sometimes, I am still not sure I know. But time and space distance do help - as you are finding. Take care and I hope all keeps going well.

Shandy,

I honestly don't know what to say to you. I am sorry for your diagnosis? I think you can probably have a successful relationship - but they certainly seem rare?

Not sure what advice to give you other than this: You can't decide for your partner what is best for him. No matter what his age or anything else. So - No, you shouldn't leave him for his own good. Possibly you have to listen incredibly carefully to him when he tells you that you need treatment or treatment adjustment. Hopefully you can trust him for that. You have to believe him (or someone else, if you can't trust him) or others when they tell you you have stepped over the boundaries of "acceptable" behavior. You have to find ways of realizing when your symptoms are destroying your relationships.

I wish I had a clue of how to tell you to deal with this illness. Actually if I did, I probably wouldn't be divorced from a BP SO.

I think Rob gives you some very good advice from long term experience. Truly, best of luck to you.

quote:

Originally posted by ConfusedinMO:
My wife and I have been married 2 years and together for 7. She had 2 children prior to our marriage and i adopted them. She has had a rough life. One child she doesnt know the father of, men in and out of her life and i am her second marriage. We have seperated on numerour occasions and during one of these times she had an affair. We had been going to marriage counseling for about 4 weeks when she decides that she can't see this relationship working out and that she doesnt love me nor doesnt think that it will work becuase this is what she thinks and feels. Yesterday she went back to the marriage counselor by herself and the counselor has given her a test to see if she is bipolar and it does run her family. She told me the results are type 1 bipolar. She is going to seek help this upcoming week, but she still wants a divorce. My question is does she really want a divorce or is it the bipolar? Please help I love her very much and dont want to lose my wife.

My advice would be to sit with her in a non threatening environment and discuss her illness. Allow her to be educated in what she has and what she could be doing and not know it. In the process of doing this you could separate. You both could use some time away from the situation to think. If she is still insists on having a divorce you can't fight her. She is a grown adult.

Education is the best thing you can offer her right now. She can't begin to understand what she is doing unless see's it. Don't fight her and tell her she's wrong. That would be your first mistake. Allow her to process the information given to her and give her space to make her own choice.

I hope that helps.