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It’s me TLynn for some reason I couldn’t log in and had to make a new account.
How do you deal with the enabling family of a bipolar? Slowly I’ve learned not only does my boyfriend live a drama filled life that is draining me, he has a over bearing family. His mother is a wonderful person but she helps him be lazy. She gets his mail, pays his bills, and checks on him at least three times a day. I understand she’s a mom but in one breath she is saying he’s not lazy but then she basically tells me he is and wants me to help her keep him in line. All the while I’m pushing him to do it him self.
He lives in his mom’s house. He rents. She decided to sell and he flipped out. She basically told me with out saying it, she wanted me to take care of him. I mean it was really easy to see what she was saying when she knows he doesn’t make enough to rent another apartment. So when she said “or he can live with you” I knew what she had planed. In the process of all this I’ve found out more. What’s bothering me most is that their (as in his brother and his mom) solution to the problem was finding him an apartment (or him living with me) taking over his finances and getting him into debt management and refinancing his car for him. None of which he will do himself.
Has anyone else been through this and how do you deal with it? Can you deal with it?
I had extensive trouble with my exBP's family refusing to acknowledge her mental illness and encouraging her to take many of the irrational actions she did. They believed the lies about me that she told and found ways to assist her in making life difficult for me and our children.They did such things as try to make it appear as if I was the one with the mental health problem, take me to court repeatedly to get child custody, take me to court to force me to have a mental health exam ( I passed), financed her lawyer (while refusing to help finance our childrens education) and other such things too numerous to mention. This continued for many years after her first symptoms and continued through at least 3 suicide attempts. It may have only recently abated when they appear to have made the decision to have her involuntarily committed to a psychiatric institution and have taken steps to legally take over her finances. I am only now starting to become warily trusting of them.
So to your questions: Yes I have been through this. It was extremely difficult to deal with. Pretty much I dealt with it by taking the position that I was sane and needed to be the children's caretaker. I met every legal challenge they made with a legal response. I had to end a civil relationship with them. Early on I tried to warn them that my ex was not mentally healthy. They would have none of it - forcing me to file the legal proceedings for divorce instead of getting her the help she desparately needed. It was very costly emotionally and financially for me. But it did ultimately work out ok for me (although my BP ex would have been way better of if she had received proper treatment early on).
It is possible that your BP SO is giving his family a different version of events than what you have experienced - therefore causing them to respond the way they are and in a way that is not consistent with your thoughts and desires. It would probably be helpful if somehow you could understand what their understanding of the situation is - to see if it is different from what you observe. You may have to accept that what they believe is what they hear from him and not what you know to be true - in which case life will become very difficult. I found that I had to work hard to make sure I trusted my own interpretation of reality instead of working within the reality contructed by my BP ex (which was not a true reality). But this did not change what her family recognized to be true. This was very difficult.Caused me to question my own observation of reality. I had to continuously check with friends to make sure what I was seeing was correct. I would make lists of events and tell them to a few close friends independently of one another (without telling them my interpretation ahead of time) and see if they interpreted them the same way I did and came to the same conclusions I did. I learned to trust these friends. Nearly always their interpretations of reality were the same as mine. So I would go with what that led me to. Couldn't have made it through without those friends. It was a difficult and truly frightening time for me.
I do know he doesn’t always tell them, exactly what is going on. You are correct about that. He also has different perception of reality than a non bp. They are aware of his illness. He was diagnosed at a very early age and his mother has been working with him for years. Ths is why I was surprised when her and I spoke. She started out saying things such as, “Between you and I, I think we can get this under control.” or “between you and I we can get him right.” At the time I didn’t know exactly what she meant but I figured she was joking like other moms do about marrying their sons off. I had no idea what I was about to encounter and I’m still shocked.
I do things different with my boyfriend than she does and I expected that as I am his girlfriend and she is a mother. When someone makes him upset, I always ask the details of the situation and ask a lot of questions. At the end I tell him what he did wrong and how he could have handled things differently. I also will include that he’s not the only person wrong if it’s right in the situation and offer the same bits of advice. She offers no support at all and tells him, “you’ll be okay.” She offers no emotional support and rarely listens to his feelings. She almost blows him off unless he’s manic and is being silly and in a good mood. It’s almost encourages his manic faze when she’s around. With lack of a better words their relationship seems superficial however she does love him and it’s obvious in her actions. She wont say it to him though, only to me and when he says something to her about it her response is “I love you, I show you in my own way.”
It seems that it’s not going to change but her enabling him to remain ill is frustrating for me. He’ll always be bipolar but I can’t continue taking steps to push him into independence until she stops living his life for him. At his age he should be getting his own mail, paying his own bills, and etc. When he didn’t rent from her, I wasn’t around but he did do those things. I imagine he had to be reminded because his lack of short term memory but I have to wonder if he’s allowing himself to “not remember” because he knows someone will do it for him. He remembers things at will it seems and I’ve read that a lot on here. They have horrible memories. He sees to be a tad selective. I’m sure that’s usual though.
The real reason I’m coming on here talking Jsmith is because I can feel it, my sense are telling me that this woman is pushing her son on me. After talking to one of his best childhood friends I’ve learned she doesn’t come around as much when there are problems and he’s in someone else’s care. After that though she’s around a lot again. He lived with him and also was there when he had lived with a prior girlfriend years ago. She’s calling me all the time, so is his aunt, and grandmother. I speak with his brother a lot. They are a tight net family but it seems like they are eager for he and I to get married so she can worry less and move on with her life. Which is really scarey. I am his significant other not his mother.
I have learned though that the long haul of all this is not going to change. Only remain to increase in intensity and the care will only be needed more and more. She’s only making my job harder. Doesn’t she know that? Is this how bp parents cope?
Also I wondered if you felt guilty when you thought of leaving? Did you wonder if your ex wife would be okay? Sometimes when I’ve had my fill, I feel as if I can’t leave, even just thinking about it makes me feel bad and worry. I love him, I do. He’s not doing anything wrong. It’s just a lot to deal with. He’s been great. His family is pushing me, and his friends are up and down and seem to only care for him when convenient. Some of them don’t even know he’s bipolar. Ugh.. I feel guilty even saying all this. It’s hard because he’s been great in this relationship. I’ve not experienced a lot of what others have. He’s trying so very hard and sometimes it would help to be encouraged and not pushed. Does that make sense?
It is good that your relationship with his mom is positive and not negative. Better situation than me. Although I thought I had a good relationship with my BP ex's family - I was shocked to find out I suddenly didn't - that they did not like me much. Or rather didn;t like me at all. The reason for this was that my bp ex had been telling them things about me that were not true. I came to realize this when her sister would mention that my bp ex had told her things - never going into details about what they were. For example, I got advice from her sister that my ex BP and I needed a financial advisor since I was so controlling of finances. However, we DID actually have a financial advisor whose advice we were following - its just that my BP ex would never show up for the meetings with him. Always an excuse to miss - even when he came to our house. But obviously she had told a different story to her sister. All this was very puzzling at the time. I would think the sister and I had the same set of facts to work from on topics. But then months later, after a discussion, I would realize they were similar facts but not the same. With slight twists of them, leaving out something here and there, my BP ex had completely turned stories around to make it look like I was some sort of villainous abuser. She did the same with attorneys and in the court. It was extremely difficult to deal with because large portions of stories were true - just a key phrase gave everything different meaning.
In any case it sounds like your experience may be different. Less hostility or something.
And just to clarify - I didn't leave. I did not want to end the relationship. I wanted to take care of her and make her well (although at the time I had no idea there was an illness or what it was). She left me. Suddenly. Without explanation. Subsequently many accusations turned up. From these slightly twisted stories. I was put in a situation that forced me to file for divorce even though I didn't want one, in order to have any chance of maintaining my relationship with my children. There was a lot of intricate planning on my BP ex's part. Keeping of stories straight for who she had told what. And it would have worked - except for some reason she attempted suicide right before a court date.
Tlynn, best of luck to you. Take care and be careful.
This message has been edited. Last edited by: jsmith,
I'm sorry Jsmith, I missunderstood. I know how you feel. I don't want to leave either. Sometimes I have a great overwhelming feeling and I think about it. I don't want to though. I love him very much. I wonder sometimes though if what happened to you and many other people will happen to me. It's frightening.
Thanks for being so kind. It's appreciated. I guess I'll have to deal with his mom and remind him to keep pushing forward.
And I know how you feel. Except you are a million times more aware of what is going on than I was at the time. You are way ahead of me in figuring out how to cope with all this and I am sure you will be successful.
Although I am sure its depressing, you can;t imagine how lucky you are to be aware of the possibilities now. You are thinking them through and making your choices. Maybe it will never happen to you. Your BP so sounds so much more compliant with medication and treatment than mine ever was or is.
And after writing the last reply I realized I never really focussed on some of your thoughts expressed in your message.
Here goes: His mom IS probably pushing her son on you, as you think. She likes you and realizes she will not always be able to help him. You are caring and loving and nice to her son.I don;t know how old she is but where will he be in 20 or 30 years when she is no longer able to care for him unless she has found someone like you to look after him?
I was vaguely aware of the possibility of my BP SO getting BP since her dad was also BP. But I missed the bad parts of that. By the time I was around, he was getting proper treatment and seemed like a pleasant person. Of course I didnt live with him - so who knows. I didnt know what BP meant. You do.
So be careful Tlynn. Make sure you are not the only "giver" in this relationship. Make sure you get something back also. Relationships work best when they are two way streets it seems. Giving and receiving for both partners. Might seem like its ok now to be the giver. Makes you feel good. You can see results possibly. But in 20 years? 30 years? 40? I don't know. As I said in some other messages - I wouldnt do it again. Even though there were great times. Wonderful times. I have 2 wonderful children. The last few years have been very bad. I wanted very much to have a partner I had a "history" with to do fun things with after my kids left. I lost that in this process. I have a new partner and a very good one now. But not quite the same without the history. Of course no guarantee of that with or wothout BP in the picture. Divorces and deaths occur for reasons other than BP. But think carefully where you want to go, what you want to do, Tlynn. You obviously have a lot to offer to any significant other - BP or not.
Just be careful.
This message has been edited. Last edited by: jsmith,
You’re right I am lucky my boyfriend was honest with me and told me about his bipolar early on. I’m also lucky it was diagnosed so early. I don’t know where I would be or what I would be thinking if I was doing this without knowledge. You’re a very strong person. I couldn’t imagine what you’ve been though, how confusing and painful it was.
He is compliant with his medication. I found out he had no idea what bipolar really was himself and made him read it. He had no idea why he needed the medication, what his brain was going through and what it was doing to him without medication. After giving him the tool of education he was much more serious about doing something for him self.
Thank you for taking the time to look over what I said again...
How wise you are my friend, you are correct! She said those exact same things to me. That she’s almost 50, and she needs to know he’ll be okay. I’m just glad to know I’m not assuming wrong. You’re also correct that she does like me. She likes me a tad too much, if you ask me. I feel like I’m her life savor and she’s in the ocean drowning. After taking care of him for a very long time. I’m sure she really does feel that way at times, since I’ve come along.
As for being the only giver, sometimes it feels that way. He is there when I need him, he’ll always listen if I need to talk. He does sweet things for me and he does stop doing things when I ask him. I’d say sometimes when there was a problem. I feel like I’m letting him down, perhaps? I’m not sure. It’s almost like he wants to stay happy and positive and if I bring up one negative fact or a realistic point he doesn’t like it. Me being a realist makes for some interesting conversations. It feels as if he’s in the clouds a lot of the time. I think maybe depression scares him so he tries to stay away from things that might make him sad.
You are right though that when the years start to add up you can’t be the only giver. I feel at this point he’s giving enough for me to be happy. If he ever withdrew from that I think the relationship would be ending. I can’t live my life no matter how much I love someone, to please someone else and help them out. I need to care for myself too.
I’m trying to be careful. I always try to think things through. Sometimes I wonder what’s missing. He seems to always have drama around him. That seems to be normal bipolar behavior though from what I’ve read. These boards help me. I could sit and read library books all day. Real people with real stories give much more information and offer more help than a book can give me. I know this could end bad or good like any other relationship but it helps to talk about it sometimes. Thank you for your time and help. It is really appreciated. You’re a very nice person, loving and caring your self.
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