Bipolar Depression

HI,

I'm having an issue with someone who is severely Bipolar, my girlfriend, she's recently switched from lexapro to cylopam (sp?), as well as the pill. (I just ended it) and could use some advice.

I met this girl about 3 months ago, and things were great with us, I mean we feel in love quick and really had the perfect relationship, it was so good in fact, that she'd say it feels weird to be so happy, she's even moving 40 minutes away to be closer to me. we've talked about marriage and kids.

anyway she was seeing her ex (who was a little abusive) on and off for about a year and then met me, this thing with her ex made her try to commit suicide in june.

she has crying and laughing fits

anyway, in the 3 months she's admitted a lot to me, that she's been married, she's 31, she had about 50 sexual partners, was an exotic dancer for ten years (not nude, just skimpy), andhas cheated on just about every bf she's ever had, including her ex husband.

I understand, and am excepting, I was clinically depressed for many year, and finally four years ago found a way out of it. so I don't judge her, and we date.

but her ex won't stop writing her, and she says he won't leave her alone. and he's writing nasty messeges to her, and I tell her it's enough don't let him do this, change your number, and she does.

so I found out recently that they've been talking, she had this big drunk episode with me on new years, saying she doesn't deserve me, saying she's not good to me, that she's cheated on all her other bf's, and then it comes out she starts crying profusly saying she misses him, and loves him and wants to be with him, and then the next morning she's seems better, in fact she's all over me, all day, and she's telling me she's sorry she gets confused sometimes, and that who is she kidding she's not going to leav me, that she loves me. all day it's her being loving and warm.

then when she's in the bathroom, for some reason I get a hunch and I check her phone. and she's sent a text to someone name Michelle, (which is really her ex) saying she still loves him and wants to go on a date on friday. I don't flip, but obviously I immediatly confront her and call things off.

she calls the next day crying wanting me back saying she won't talk to him that it was just cold feet, and I take her back on the grounds that she not talk to him, but the next day she's responding to his texts and delteing them. anyway I tell her the next day she needs to go figure things out and she freaks out say she realizes that she'll lose me if she talks to him, she's faced with that fact. and that she promises not to talk to him anymore.

so we're together all weekend and then tuesday comes and she' IMing me, and again, out of a hunch, found otu that she's IMing him. and I beak it off again, saying theres somethng wrong with you and you need to go figure out whats going on with this guy you've been playing games with for a year, and she cries, and freaks out but says okay, because ultimately, wants to go see him.

here's the thing, she still wants to talk to me, that she loves me and is confused, she says, can't we just be friends for now? and I don't think thats appropriate.

why is she acting this way, it's like she wants her cake and eat it too, wants to mess with her ex buts doesn't want to give up whatever it is she's getting from me.

should I just cut my losses and run from what my friend say is just poison?

any adive would be great

Has this girl been diagnosed with BP? Is she exhibiting any other symptoms? You can read on the web what the symptoms are and also, you can peruse these message boards to see what some of us have been dealing with. You mentioned she got drunk. Is this frequent? Is she taking drugs of the non-prescription variety?

I'm asking these questions because, just vacillating back and forth in a relationship, is not alone an indicator of BP. Lots of people do it for various reasons. Same with the cheating - not everyone who cheats on their S.O. is BP. She may be co-dependent with the ex and confused. If she really wanted to stop communicating with him, all she has to do is ignore the calls and texts and IM's. The "laughing and crying fits" could just be emotional and may have been caused by the hormonal swings women sometimes get when going on and off different birth control pills. In other words, there may be different explanations for her behavior, which have nothing to do with BP.

She does, however, sound very screwed up and I'm wondering what you find so special about her. This is a woman of questionable moral fiber who screws around indiscriminately, gets drunk, is on several meds and. for some reason, she is who you want to be the mother of your children?

Even if she has BP, which can be managed with appropriate meds and therapy, this woman doesn't sound like she is of the strong moral fiber to be able to do it. I'm imaging that you think you "love" her for some reason. Could it be that you are confusing "love" with "lust". From your description of this woman, I can see where she may be very sexy and present herself like a waif that needs to be rescued, but is this really the type of woman you want to marry and trust your life and the lives of your children with? Love involves respect and a deep understanding of who that person really is and accepting them with all of their foibles.

Imagine that you are existing in the days of the covered wagon trains and starting your life in uncharted territory. The survival of a man and his family in those days was HIGHLY dependent on the woman he chose to be his wife. It is NO different today! Maybe she doesn't need to know how to bake a pie or plant crops, but the concept is the same. You need to chose someone who you can build a life with and this woman doesn't sound like she has those qualities or abilities at the present time.

Yes, RUN, fast and far. Bipolar or not, her behavior and treatment of you is horrible. I believe in second chances because we are human and as humans, we make mistakes. Those of us who are of sound mind, however, generally learn from those mistakes. But third, fourth, fifth, etc. chances? If you ask yourself how long will she continue to do this? The answer is, as long as you continue to accept it. Why should she change? Sounds like she's got the best of both worlds. And the fact that she is BP, don't expect the rollercoaster ride to ever stop, until SHE is ready to let you get off. Take 15 minutes and read through many of the other posts here from people who have been through it all. There's a strong likelyhood that you will put up with this behavior for who knows how long, and she may very well end up leaving you in the end. Heed the advice of your friends and get out of that toxic relationship while you can. Sounds like you've had some good hunches that you've followed through on. Just don't be quick to believe what she tells you. The lies are just one of the many terrible characteristics of this disease if she is not being treated, which it sounds like she's not.

Hey Guys thanks for the help.

She is Def BP, was diagnosed years ago and has been on meds ever since, she also gets bad anxiety. You're right that the crying and laughing fits could be hormonal swings, she DID go on the pill about a month ago when this all began, but theres more to it she has all the symptoms I for BP that I've read about.

as for her drinking, it isn't horribly frequent, but when she does drink, she drinks a lot. she does use cocaine maybe once every other month, which after the last time she used it, that she needed to stop. he was on lexapro and then switched to cylopam (sp?) at the same time got on the pill.

I believe her behavior, is a direct result of her BP, and Mania. I mean she's 31, at this point in life you should know how to conduct yourself like a normal human being. What I find hard when you ask me what do I find so special. you know, when she's being "normal" she's a pretty great girl, she doesn't want to hurt people, she's sweet, kind, loving, fun, smart, intellectually she knows she's done some bad things in the past, intellectually she feels huge amounts of guilt for her past and present behavior, but it's like she can't stop even though her heart is telling what she' doing is wrong. sh freaked out on night and was hysterically crying because she felt that if I knew about her past, which was up until last june, that I wouldn't want to be with her anymore. so you know, as someone who has ben through tough times myself, I understand. I like to be needed, that I've discovered

she gets worked up, overwhelmed, and I guess because I have suffered from severe depression and found a way to work through it without drugs, I sympathize.

heres the things, I feel this ex that she's been going back and forth with, who's been abusive and a destructive force in her life, knows how and is, taking advantage of her illness, knowing how to push all the right buttons and such.

She does have questionable moral fiber, that true, and I've reevaluated how I see her in my life, I guess I just feel bad for her, and in all honesty it hurts knowing she's "taking some space" which is code for seeing her ex and sleeping with him.

It's like I'm dealing with Jekyll and Hyde, you know? theres this woman that is everything I want in a partner, but this OTHER person comes out that is destructive and hurtful to everyone around and to herself, it's like she destroys everything around her.

Mystified--

ultimately I did listen to my hunches, in my heart I know it's wrong to be with her and I can't let her illness bring mine back. an its funny, every time I put my foot down she makes a change, but it is poison.

but I just feel bad for her, she wants to talk to me all day, and call me, she wants me to be there for her becaue I give her the support and care she needs, and I wanna help her, but not while she bouncing around with someone else, she doesn't understan why we can't talk to each other.

She says if I cut off contact with her, she' freak out, and this is a woman who tried to commit suicide last june over this other guy, and was in the physch ward after. so I don't want her to be hurt, but I don't want to be taken advantage of either.

Cole,

If you truly care about this girl, then just be her friend. Let her sleep with whomever she wants and just be there for her to talk to. That also means not sleeping with her yourself. Then you will know if you really have deep feelings for this woman or if your mind is clouded by your sexual attraction to her. Don't kiss, touch, "fool around" or have sex with her - then see if she's really "all that" or if it's just an attraction/fascination thing. I know this is very hard for men to do.

You sound like a decent guy. Is someone who was an exotic dancer, takes drugs, gets drunk, tried to commit suicide and sleeps around REALLY "everything you want in a woman"? You said she cried about you knowing her past. Well, if she's still disappearing on you to sleep with this guy, it's NOT in the past, now is it? Think about it. Is she really the type of person you want to be the mother of your children? If you marry this woman before she gets help and demonstrates that changes her ways, you will be divorced in a few years with a kid to support and she'll be exposing YOUR kid to strange men. Is that what you want for your life?

Thats the thing though, you say I should just be her friend, but you know what I don't want to be.

I don't think it's right to myself to let her go sleep with the guy that treats her wrong and me just sit here, I think I just have to be done

Hi Cole,

I think that's good advice to yourself. Going from an intimate, "love" relationship to a platonic "friendship" is difficult, even under normal circumstances. However, with the erratic behavior she is displaying, it would seem almost impossible to draw that line...and stay behind it. Somebody here once described a relationship with a BP as a "vortex" and I can see how that can be true. I think it would be so easy to get caught up in the cycle over and over again. I've also read that many times the S/O's of BP's can enter into a depression themselves because of all the constant turmoil and heartache. Since you've mentioned battling depression yourself, this relationship could very well hinder or reverse any progress you've made thus far to recover from depression. I know how hard it is to let go of somebody you love so much, but when that love isn't reciprocal (and I hate to say, but her actions sound more like dependence upon you than actual love), in time, you will start to heal and that hurt will gradually decrease.

Good luck!

i'm not to sure about lexipro,but citalelapram,(celexia) ia an antidepressant.odd for a bp to be on that alone.if most would agree its down right bad.antidressants are desined to raise moods.for a bp already raised ,thats bad.adding the "pill" into it also changes hormone levels.just bad all around.properly medicated and therapy she may be ok,however allowing her to continue like she is is definate destruction of your relationship.

wanting someone to feel sorry for her is her way of control.as long as you feel sorry for her she has you .its ok to feel this way,however she has choices she can make.she chooses this life.because she has na ex that wants her back,and you that feels bad for her,she has a safety net.your cant stop her from returning to ex.she will go where theres safety.whatever she conciders safe.dont try to figure out what she would call safe.you wont!

you have 2 choices,cut it off comepletly,or put up with it,until she gets real help.dont worry to much about her hurting herself,(hope i'm wrong)most of the time is a threat.a form of control.remember the ones that truely want to die,dont end up in mental wards.its called a morgue.

mystified is correct in that s/o of bp's many times end up with depression or even ptsd.i'm living proof.you drive yourself nuts trying to figure out what to do.

its only been 3 months,you dont alot invested yet.my advise is cut it off.if she is sincere,she will get help.i can tell thats what you concern is.and if she chooses not to ,theres nothing you can do or say about it.and you will be better off then.

Rob once again I agree with what you told Cole and I will just add to it. If Cole lets her know that he feels sorry for her she will play on his sympathy all the time. If he allows her to do this it will NEVER end because his gf will think that the solution to their problems is to ALWAYS make him feel sorry for her. I had to learn the hard way that a relationship can't be built on one person feeling sorry for the other person. Its also a waste of time feeling sorry for someone who refuses to make changes in his/her life. As far as the cheating.....I in all honesty think it is unlikely that it will stop and I am only speaking from experience. Even when I was bending over backwards to make my husband happy, we were getting along well, and he was telling me how glad he was that we stuck by him....I found out he was STILL cheating. I've never understood how someone can pretend to be one way while they are around you, but behind closed doors take on another different personality and see absolutely nothing wrong with it. The thing is when people started seeing his dark side, then and only then did he feel the need to try to apologize to people for pretending to be something he wasn't. Outside of being "caught" I don't think that they have much of a conscious at all. And the lies are unbearable. My soon to be ex looked me in the face and said he didn't understand why HE cheated on me because he had NEVER done this to anyone else (implying that it was me). I later found out that he cheated on everyone he has been with and confronted him about it and of course he started crying telling me I was hurting him. In his opinion I was hurting HIM by bringing the truth to the light and confronting him about the person he really was in an effort to get him to take responsibility for his behavior. HE NEVER DID. If you want a loving, caring, relationship with a healthy person (one who is honest, respectful, responsible, and committed) your gf may not be the one for you.

Thanks for all the help and advice, it's alway helpful to know that this isn't something exclusive to me.

so it basically cam down to me saying to her, look you need to go do what you're going to do, but I can't and won't be involved. so you're free.

and she basically did what I thought, used her illness as a violin, and said he was doing this to her.

I told her that I didn't care about him or what he's doing, it's all about you, I care about what you do.

and I left and she sat by herself for a few days, all th while calling me trying to keep me in her life.

this all started when she changed her meds and at teh same time got on yasmin, the pill.

so I gave her some advice to go back on lexapro and stop the pill.

she called me trying to get sympathy and I said to her, listen, I really don't have any sympathy for you, at all. you can't ride you illness to others downfall, and unfortunately, in the first 3 months you showed m the person that you KNOW how to be, so after seeing that, why would I accept anything less than that?

so the next day, she showed me her lexapro that she started taking again, and that this ex is really out of her life, meaning she's deleted everything pertaining to him in her life, numbers, pictures, IM accounts, everything

and has really been coming around, she said she's never met someone that doesn't take my shit without getting really mad, and that she respected that.

so far so good, she going to a therapist starting next week. and hasn't drank but one beer in a over a week.


how long this is going to last, who knows, hopefully things will stay on track.