Bipolar Depression

Here is my post from a few days ago:

"I am new to these forums, and somewhat new to my BP relationship.

I have known my girlfriend as a coworker for almost 20 years. We just moved in together about two months ago. She is diagnosed as BP I, and takes Prozac along with several other meds. She has a full-time job.

I just don't see the horror stories I read about here. My girl always makes sure to keep her medical appointments and take her meds. She had to switch meds recently because of weight gain issues, and it took a few weeks for the new meds to take effect. During that time, she was slightly on the grumpy side and slept excessively. However, I never felt like she acted disrespectfully towards me. At worst, she would ask me in a civil manner to please not disturb her sleep. She frequently apologizes to me for being irritable, even when it was not a big deal. I truly believe that she is trying her best to make our relationship work, just as I am.

All in all, so far I feel like I am making the right choice to be with her, even more so as time goes by. I think that if she sticks to her treatment and we show consideration towards each other it will be an enriching relationship for both of us."

_________________________________________

I guess I spoke too soon. She left early on Friday from work, with a quick call to say that she was "not doing well" and her girlfriend was taking her to the psych. When I asked her to call me later and let me know how she was doing, she said ominously that her girlfriend would be in touch with me.

Then I heard from her friend that night, by text message, saying that my GF was "under doctor's care until further notice". That was it, no more answers to any phone calls or text messages from either of them for two days. I wondered if she was hospitalized, what was her condition, questions that I do not think were out of order.

Finally today I left a msg with her friend that I would drive to her house if somebody did not give me call. Sure enough, my GF called five minutes later. She screamed at the top of her lungs "I'm alive!!!" then hung up. She called back a few minutes later, still somewhat angry, and said that she had a nervous breakdown, her friend knew how to deal with her in that condition, and that my repeated attempts to contact her were counterproductive to her recovery. She also warned me that I would not want to be around her when she is in that condition.

I still love her, but now I really wonder what the future holds. One thing I know is that she is careful to keep up on her med appts and pills, so that bodes well I guess. I won't consider leaving her, but mostly need advice on how to cope. Thanks.

Hi and welcome to the real world! I'm curious to know if she's still working at her "full time job" while "under doctor's care til further notice". And, since you have been working with her for 20 years - has she ever done this before? And, why, if she is still able to hold down a job which I assume means that she has to deal with people in general, is she not able to communicate with YOU?

My advice is to leave her alone. Pushing yourself on her will just make her retreat further away. You can send her an email letting her know that you care and that you're "there" for her when she comes out of this. Then, let her be. Sometimes they come back, sometimes they don't. It's a crap shoot. Just don't bombard her with concerned phone calls - she sounds too dysregulated to deal with you right now. She'll contact you when she can deal or you may never hear from her again and she'll avoid you at work. Crazy, huh? I'm wondering what triggered her breakdown.

She is lucky to get 40 hours in any given workweek. She missed a month in May 2008 due to medication changes and work stresses. Her employer is advising her to seek disability retirement. She just got rid of a 3-hour commute each way, with all of the attendant sleep issues, and since she moved in with me her commute is less than 30 minutes. We both thought that she should try to see if she could handle work without the long commute. She really is good at her job, her only problem is attendance.

Believe it or not, I think that her second call today was her attempt, under her present circumstances, to provide me with enough information that I would at least know where she is and her condition. My expectation now is that she might contact me in a week or so and let me know how she is doing, then maybe come back home in another week after that. She will not be at work for a while, and this might force the issue of early retirement.

I definitely will not contact her in any way. I have no idea what triggered her, but she seemed OK that morning before work.

Why would someone under doctor's care and on meds have such wild swings? I would think that after 10 years of treatment they could get her meds adjusted properly.

So, then she has done these disappearing acts before! With regards to the meds, all sorts of stuff can happen. Stuff can stop working, it can have an adverse effect that it never had before, etc. She could have taken an over-the-counter *something* that affected the way her meds work. I know someone with BP-I who had food poisoning and threw up and it threw off her meds for a week. She went manic and it took a week (maybe more) for her doc to correct the situation with her meds. She had apparently vomited some up and it set off an imbalance.

At least you know that she's done this before and it has nothing to do with your relationship. Hold tight - she'll probably come back when she's able.

I definitely underestimated the seriousness of her condition. I also did not realize how "mindful" I have to be in this relationship.

I've decided to offer to let her have the bedroom to herself when she returns, I'll sleep on the sofa. I think she might need some space and privacy not just for recovery purposes, but also to adjust to our relationship, her move here, and all of the other changes in routine that have affected her. She had explained to me how her routines and sleep patterns are so crucial for her, and how the move in with me disrupted all of her routines.

I am going to seek counseling myself to learn how best to live with BP, and start reading up on the condition. Maybe I'll fix the place up nice for when she gets back. I am so sorry I let the negative thoughts get to me and tried calling her when i knew deep inside I shouldn't. I have probably set her back a couple of days worth of recovery. Satisfying my curiosity will wait from now on.

She is a very lucky girl to have such an understanding boyfriend.

Good luck to both of you!!

Man, this just keeps getting crazier and crazier. After I heard her ranting on the phone Sunday, I thought for sure she would be off work for a month. Well, she showed up to work on Monday. She works on a different floor than me, so I have not seen her yet.

My immediate coworker who sits next to me, lets call her Mary, is a common friend. My GF already knows that Mary is a close confidant of mine. Well, my GF called Mary out of the blue on Monday and Tuesday, leaving several messages along the lines of "I'm concerned about Freddie, how is he doing?", and so on. She wanted to talk to Mary about "her concerns". Not one call to me.

I got upset and hurt that my GF is able to work but not able to talk to me. I got really depressed and took two days off myself. I can't figure out what I did to become so toxic to her.

Well, yesterday Mary finally spoke to my GF. Mary desribed it as the most bizarre conversation she has ever had. At different points in the two-hour monologue, my GF indicated that she cares about me, wants to leave me, and will get a police escort to get her stuff out of my apartment, the same stuff she just finished unpacking Friday morning. Mary advised me that my GF was "talking crazy" and not making sense. She did say that she went to work against doctors' orders for financial reasons and was not holding up well. My GF told Mary that I refused to take her to the hospital and tried to talk her out of going, when no such conversation ever occurred. In fact, I want to take her to her medical visits, and would drop everything if she ever asked me. Mary asked her to please contact me, and my GF said "ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!".

Mary then followed up this morning with another call, and was greeted with "I can't talk, I'm having a real bad day".

I figure that the combination of a relocation, loss of long-term relationship, loss of a close coworker friend whose last day was Friday, and lack of personal space at home triggered this break. I'm trying to take advise I've seen here and on other sites to not take anything personal, disengage, and remember that its the disease talking, not her. I created a mental contruct to help me get by, that she is in the isolation ward of a mental hospital right now
getting treatment, and I'll see her when she gets out. She is doing really bad right now, almost seems psychotic.

I'm going to a counseling appointment today, and will start attending bimonthly DBSA support group meetings week after next. I think that my GF is maybe embarrassed for me to see her like this, and maybe wants to spare me the drama. At this point, I'm going to try to stay the course, be patient, and not contact her. I've probably lost 15 pounds in the last five days.
Finally

Hi again. I am sorry this has happened to you. The exact same thing happened to me. My guy just turned into a DIFFERENT PERSON and never spoke to me again!! He lived in another state and had asked me to leave stuff at his place so I wouldn't have to bring it back and forth. I had to BEG him by email to drop the stuff off on my porch because he was coming to my city to spend Thanksgiving with his sister. He is a surgeon and has been able to perform complicated surgeries but can't hold a conversation with the woman he supposedly felt was his 'missing half", his "true beloved". I too, created a "construct" to be able to deal with it - I tried to believe that he died in a plane crash coming from a medical conference. It didn't work! I lost 10 lbs in the first two weeks and I am very skinny to begin with. I became emaciated and lost all of my muscle tone. I laid in bed crying in disbelief for 6 months. Became highly psychologically dysregulated and was unable to even take proper care of my pets. Didn't shower or even brush my teeth for weeks at a time! So, I know what you are going through.

I was supposed to be living there and working with him right now. I am in a related field and he had taken me to a medical conference and introduced me to everyone involved with his practice (which was new BTW, he was "starting over" for the umteenth time). He is also highly involved with the local religious congregation in the role of V.P. and attends 1-2 meeting a week for this. So, he can do all of this, but not even give me a coherent explanation for why he has abruptly left. All he could say was "he needs his space". Did I mention that he's also on a nationwide dating site? Been on there for 9 months now and his participation has dwindled from several times a day to maybe once per week. Maybe he's already met his next target. Maybe he's given up. Who knows?

I have been in a state of derealization ever since he did this to me. He had to convince me that he was "for real" initially because it was all happening so fast that I couldn't believe it. I finally believed he was "for real" when he arranged for realtors to take me looking at houses in his city for us to live in. He knew I would not move in with him unless we were engaged, so he also mentioned that we should go ring shopping! On my last trip there I started unraveling his facade and he knew it. I was noticing the symptoms of not only hypomania, but also of narcissism/sociopathy. When a narcissist is "found out" they retreat and FAST! He also created a "cover story" (something about my not liking his kids) to justify his actions and everyone believed him. Even my old college roommate who fixed me up with him in the first place. Sounding familiar?

I feel like I have been emotionally raped and manipulated. You probably feel the same. It made me feel better to read others' stories. I found comfort in numbers. Maybe it will help you too. If you click on my name here, you will be directed to all of my posts. You can do the same with anyone else on this system. The "friends & loved ones" section is a good place to start. Right now this board is not as active as it was at the end of last year, when it happened to me; but, you can still read what everyone posted. I also found it helpful to do a lot of research on the internet regarding the parameters of the disease AND the psychological symptoms I was experiencing. That's how I found out about derealization (feeling like you're in a waking dream, where you don't know what is real from what is not). It felt better when I could give it a name and not just feel like I was going crazy.

I know that right now all you want more than anything is for her to come back and be who she was just a few weeks ago. You want to believe that this behavior is just some terrible anomaly and it will never happen again. You just want your girl back. At least you have a BP diagnosis. I didn't know what BP was. I blamed myself for everything initially. I still don't have a BP diagnosis to pin it on, but it all fits. My friends don't understand. They all think he just changed his mind and is too embarrassed to admit it after all the encouragement he gave me. This is not your fault and I hope you recover quicker than I did.

Wow CC, I read most of your early posts as well as those from Mystified. I'm so sorry to hear how much trauma you suffered. Sounds like you're doing much better now.

Some of what you described rings a bell. She told all of her family about me, how we've known each other for so long and how great I make her feel. Her family all noticed a positive differnce in her. One night she grabbed my face and asked me to buy her a ring. Stupidly, I went along with the idea and bought her a diamond ring for $1800.

As I said earlier, I've known my GF for almost 20 years, and she always has been friendly and positive around me. So, I'm going to give her a chance for maybe another six weeks max. I'm not going to pine away forever.

If she contacts me by Labor Day, then we'll take it from there. I am willing to make concessions such as going to a platonic roommate situation. I'll do anything I can to support her treatment and offer a safe secure environment.

On the other hand, if she continues to freeze me out, then I'll change the locks, box up her sh*t, give her a few days notice, then put it all out on the curb for the scavengers to sort through. After that, she will get nothing but hard stares from me in the hallways at work. It hurts now, but I'm not going to hold out forever. It will be her loss, not mine. And, she can keep the f***ing ring.

I didn't mention that I am separated from my wife of 9 years. The problems I had with her are nothing compared to this. Most likely, I'll try to reconcile with her; I think she'll take me back. I actually called my wife today and we had a nice friendly chat. I'm going to visit my grandson this weekend, and I'll take the opportunity to talk to my wife during the visit (they live in the same house). Both my wife and I are starting therapy for relationship issues.

All of my friends universally tell me to dump my GF and reconcile with my wife. So far I've been stubborn about not doing it, but now my stance has softened quite a bit.

So, basically what you're telling me is that this woman at your work, whom you've known for 20 years (but never had an affair with before), went MANIC, then out of nowhere charmed you into leaving your wife (they do stuff like that when they're manic) for her and then dumped you (cycled out of mania = same thing). Do I have that straight now? Your wife would be an IDIOT to reconcile with you after you've done this to her. It sounds like you got what you deserved - maybe you've learned your lesson now. I am no longer sympathetic to your situation. Maybe now you'll think with your brain instead of your nether regions.

You should be ASHAMED!! Very ASHAMED!

P.S. Your friends who are telling you to *dump* your girlfriend are a LITTLE late!! You *girlfriend* has already dumped YOU!

This message has been edited. Last edited by: chattycathy,

No, actually, I was already living alone in an apartment for a year before this all happened.