Bipolar Depression

Most everyone on the forum is caught in the vortex of BP either as a spouse, or BP themselves. The most common questions and themes are "what should I do" and "what can I expect?"

Being 5 years removed from a 20 year marriage with a BP & having some level of objectivity now, I thought it might be helpful to briefly review the various patterns of a BP relationship. Maybe you will see yourself somewhere below, whether you are a Non-BP or BP.

Common Patterns & Events:

- Courtship & Marriage during a BP manic phase. BP's can be charismatic & simply awesome during a hypomanic or manic phase and a Non-BP will often find themselves compelled and transfixed on the BP who is so full of life, and focused on them. It has all the anticipation of being in a roller coaster car climbing the biggest, wildest, and most dangerous roller coaster you will ever get on.

- BP mood swing symptoms eventually manifest: uncontrollable anger, rage, impulsiveness, depression, suicide attempts, financial difficulty, abuse, sexual promiscuity, etc.

- Non-BP eventually insists on BP going for diagnosis or treatment after realizing something is very wrong, and experiencing the futility of trying to "save" the BP.

- BP refuses to go for diagnosis, or attempts self-medication with either herbal supplements, sleep modification, pharmaceuticals, or whatever, but eventually insists they are "fine" or "getting better" during moderate phase of BP cycle.

- Non-BP remains in relationship for reasons of love, codependence, religion, family & peer support, etc.

- BP symptoms manifest again, and the beating of the Non-BP recommences.

- The BP will always accuse the Non-BP of being ill themselves, an abuser, worthless, cause of all problems, etc. BP's rarely take responsibility or accountability for their own actions - it is always the Non-BP's "fault" or the (untreated) illness' fault. A Non-BP should never expect a sincere apology from a BP. A BP will eventually regress & repeat the same apology dozens of times, making them meaningless over time (assuming an apology is ever even offered).

- BP "crazy making" behavior severely affects Non-BP and both will essentially become "crazy" and enter phase of co-dependence. It often takes many sessions for a therapist to sort through who is BP & who is Non-BP in long term BP relationships.

- If BP remains non-diagnosed (convenient for the BP) they will systematically make the Non-BP appear crazy to frends, family, co-workers and commence disassembling the Non-BP's life both to serve the BP's need for drama, and so the BP has someone to share their delicious misery with.

- If Non-BP is lucky enough to convince BP to seek treatment, go on medication, and accept therapy, the Non-BP's life eventually devolves into a 24x7 caretaker relationship.

- The medicating BP will eventually stop taking meds, or new "symptoms" will appear to include all sorts of ailments and side-effects of meds that requires unending attention by the Non-BP. The Non-BP eventually forfeits their friends & family & careers.

- Self medicating BP's will go through their regular cycles unabated with any semblence of sanity being purely coincidental to whatever "treatment" they have self prescribed. I read multiple posts on this forum from BP's who are self medicating & doing "better," when in fact, they are simply going through one of the normal BP phases of self delusion. BP's cannot self medicate.

- The BP's natural state of self-absorption and craving for drama or action whether in a depressed or manic state, and whether medicated or not, will continue for a lifetime & drag everyone along for the ride.

- Multiple reconciliations after infidelities, or "I don't love you," "I have to be free," "I need to find myself," and various acts of self-destruction will ensue as long as the Non-BP will tolerate them - maybe for a year, and maybe a lifetime. Many BP's will be involved in affairs or indiscriminate sexual liaisons that will result in sexually transmitted disease. Non-BP's should protect themselves.

- Children are most often involved and the result of moderate phase or manic phase romantic liaisons - with or without the spouse. Most BP relationships I have seen or read about include 2 or more children, and are often quite prolific with 4 or more children involved.

- The BP does not have the capacity to love & nurture the children much of the time, and has no problem using them as tools to manipulate the Non-BP. Non-BP's should take every possible action to remove children from the influence of a BP, and never leave them unattended for any length of time with a BP. Children are unequipped to deal with BP's. This isn't a condemnation of BP's but an unfortunate fact of the condition. BP's behavior is often hugely destructive and children are highly susceptible. A Non-BP has a responsibility to fight for their children.

- Family & friends who have not had to deal with a BP simply cannot comprehend what a Non-BP goes through when dealing with a BP. The BP will most often act "normal" and over compensate with the Non-BP's family & friends, and their own family, as a means of co-dependent control over the Non-BP. To the outside world, they can appear charming and solid, and never present the over-the-top image to anyone but the Non-BP spouse and children.

- Making tapes or videos of the BP is futile, and even if you can get a recording of a blowout and get someone to listen or watch a BP in a full blown rage and explosion of craziness, they often won't believe their eyes or ears against many years of observation. The comeback will most often be the BP getting the Non-BP into a froth and making a selective recording of their own. It's a battle the BP is fully equipped for and thrives on - it's what they live for - and the Non-BP does not stand a chance in a toe-to-toe fight.

- No MTV sound bite, or any amount of words to a family member or friend can begin to touch on the non-stop 24x7 grind of living with a BP. That's one of the reasons I am contributing to this board - I have been in your shoes and didn't know where to turn, what to do, or what to expect. The only choice a Non-BP has, in the end, is to choose to leave the battlefield, and concentrate on what's between their own two ears, and not their BP partners.

- Divorce is inevitable in 90-95% of marriages with BP's depending on what statistics you choose. Non-BP's will receive well intentioned advice from outsiders to "hold on," "delay," "stick with it," and chastisement from the misguided that divorce is "an abomination to God," when, in fact, a Non-BP has absolutely no control over the situation. Whether the BP initiates divorce, or the Non-BP does, it's eventually going to occur. In the handful of marriages I have personally witnessed where a Non-BP is married to a BP, the only ones that remained intact were where the Non-BP was so codependent on the BP that you couldn't discern who was ill, and who was not. Lastly, anyone who tells you to take the "high road" with a BP hasn't lived with one - always be direct, defend yourself, and constantly set boundaries until you finally decide to "hit the road."

- As a precursor to the next statement, I believe in God, that prayers are answered, and also believe in miracles. With that said, one of the more common phases with BP's is various intense "spiritual" phases. While this can be a good thing, it is sadly too often short-lived and can be severely destructive to a spiritual Non-BP who may feel abandoned or disillusioned when things go sour again. God remains with us, and will always be with both the BP & Non-BP, but the same self-destructive behavior and inability to truly love anyone that defines a BP during mood swings will eventually manifest and shake the faith of even the most fervent of believers. For the Non-BP's I suggest forming your own bond and faith independent of the BP and acknowledging that God loves us all even though he may abhor our actions at times.

- Divorce between Non-BP's and BP's is always painful, messy, and ugly - always. Non-BP's should prepare themselves for the most atrocious of accusations & the fight of their lives. BP's crave drama & action to feel alive, and the pain of divorce is like crack cocaine to them. They revel in it, and the formerly sweet BP man or BP woman that was your spouse will go for your jugular & do as much damage possible to cause the Non-BP pain, and fuel their own pain, including using children as battering rams & pawns to prolong the pain & serve their addiction to drama. A Non-BP must resolve themselves to be decisive & even cruel to the BP to quickly extract the children from the situation. Sorry I can't tell you there is an easy way to go about this, or that cooler minds will prevail. The courts are over-burdened, and BP's can be scarily convincing if the Non-BP has not gathered their facts in preparation.

I may have left a few things out but included enough for both the BP's and Non-BP's reading here to either have a glimpse of their future, or nod their heads in agreement to those things that have passed.

I truly feel bad for BP's. It was both a blessing & a curse to be married to a BP. Maybe it was selfish of me to extract myself & our children from the mess. If I could have forced my ex-wife to medicate & into therapy then I might have tried longer, but in a society that cherishes self determination and personal freedom, she made her choices, and I made mine.

Good Luck. God Bless.

G,

I am 4.5 years out from the 20 year marriage to a BP as you can see from my other posts - slightly behind you. I share about 90% of the experiences you describe. I couldn;t have said it better myself. You have done a service to all non-BP's who are going through this. I wish I could have read your letter 7 or 10 years ago. 4.5 years out, my children are safe and successful, my new life is good, and my BP ex is institutionalized. There were MANY points where a slightly different decision by someone would have changed things radically for me and my kids. In fact a court appointed law guardian for my kids told a family court judge that the kids should be with my BP ex about 80% of the time. Only a suicide atempt by my BP ex saved my kids from this. As it was my at-the-time-12-yr-old daughter had to endure 4 years of court ordered every-other-weekend with her BP mother until my daughter was 16 and legally allowed to choose where she could spend her time. It negatively affected her. She has bounced back in the last year though. I cannot co-emphasize enought 2 of your points:
1) FIGHT FOR YOUR KIDS. DO not let the courts put your kids with your BP ex. Youowe it to your kids to do this
2)You (the non-BP partner) are not crazy! BVe strong no mater what anyone says - its not you!!!!!!

Thanks so much for your post.

I have been married to a man with BP for almost 30 years. However, for the first 15 he was on lithium--and it worked. He was a wonderful husband and father. Then he and his internist decided to stop the lithium "to see what happened." A manic episode happened, of course. Depression followed. He was put back on lithium and the emotions leveled out--but he became increasingly "feeble" because the lithium was becoming toxic. In 2003, he became so sick that he was hospitalized and taken off lithium altogether. A variety of meds has been tried since then-and nothing works. In 2005 he ran away from home (behind my back, of course). Four months later, he called and said he was depressed, could he come home. I let him. In July of this year he ran away from home and filed for divorce because "we're not equals anymore--I have BP" (So that's news?). At first, I thought I'd take him back again when he "sobered up," but now I have decided that this divorce is inevitable and certainly the best thing for my own peace of mind.

However, it is Thanksgiving Day and I have no family around me. For the first time in 30 years, I am not cooking dinner. I spent 30 years blending a family, creating stability for my stepchildren, etc. An idyllic family--and he's destroyed. I cannot talk to the children, even my own, about my feelings--they don't want to hear anything bad about Dad. He's having Thanksgiving dinner with a daughter--though she's dreading it. I'm going to a friend's.

Our marriage has always been all about David, his wants, his needs. When they were rational, I went along. When they were irrational, I fought back--and he ran away from home. For the children, it's still "all about David." They think he needs them--they don't think I do. I am The Rock, after all.

The statistics for divorce when one spouse is BP are staggering--some come early, some late, but sooner or later, one way or another, the marriages end because the BP cannot sustain adult relationships. My husband of 74 is currently a loose cannon, a ten year old in an old man's body. He's rocketing around the country visiting children, playing golf, buying a new car, looking and acting younger than he has in years. People don't see a "sick" man--they see a vital, strong man. They wonder what's wrong with me! Inevitably he will fall into paralyzing depression, but I'm just hoping this divorce is final by then because I have reached the point where enough is enough. However, between the 2005 episode and this one, I took steps to gain some control over my own life--making me "lucky" I suppose.

If your spouse is bipolar, protect yourself and your children. Create a separate account he cannot touch, try to get property put in your name, never, ever let him be the one to deal exclusively with financial matters. Always stay in the loop--even if he's on his meds, has been stable for a long while, and the marriage is working. Do not think that any "leveling" of emotions is permanent. Any medication can fail at any time. They are all simply bandaids on what is essentially a very destructive mental illness. Enjoy the good times while they last, but do not count on them to last forever.

Dear Kat, upon reading your story, my heart goes out to you. I am in the same boat as you this Thanksgiving, as I was supposed to cook a dinner for my new boyfriend and his entire family this Thanksgiving, but I cancelled it, and am now spending it alone. Everyone on here is telling me that I am lucky I found out early (only 2 mos) that there is something very wrong with my honey, who abruptly turned into someone else, told me he "needs space" and discontinued communication just days after calling me his "beautiful angel" and saying that he loves and misses me so much. My friends don't understand and all think I did something to cause this reversal of his. I think he is disseminating rumors that I pushed him to hard, when he was the one pressuring me to love him, change his unhealthy habits and move to another state to be with him.

I am so sorry that this man has ruined 30 years of your life. It is appalling that he is now viewed as this "party animal" while in what is obviously a manic phase. Before finding this website, I had no knowledge of this disease except from what you see on TV, and my friends think I am grasping at straws in order to place blame on my guy when it's really my fault that he disappeared. You are right, it's "all about them". They suck you in telling you that they're "there for you always", but then it gets twisted around.

I can't imagine the depth of your pain and hope that by next Thanksgiving you have more to be thankful for. Wishing you the best.

CC.

Friends never understand. Neither do most children, especially if he was "normal" in their formative years. Some BPs are abolutely charming when they're manic--and then when depression hits, people just feel sorry for them--and blame spouses, work, etc. for their unhappiness. My own daughter says, "But, Mom, he's happy now." Yeah, right. Just wait.

Don't sit home alone--go to a movie! Get on with life NOW! Me, I'm going to have dinner with a good friend and neighbor and her family--and enjoy the heck out of it. Hey, at least this year I didn't have to clean house.

GO! Get out!

Kat and Ccathy,

I am sure you know this all gets better when you take control of your own life. In 2003 after my bp ex left I had no one to have thanksgiving with. SHe had made sure that my kids were with her on thanksgiving and I had them the day after - through and arrangement made for their "benefit" by their "law guardian". A friend invited me to a thansgiving dinner with other people - most of whom had little family to share with. I had a great time. The people were wonderful. Over the next 3 years I took my kids to the same dinner (after my bp ex became incapacitated due to a suicide attempt) and then joined the family of a new relationship I ha developed for a coupel years. This year the two of us had our kids for thanksgiving and I wound up cooking most of it. It was wonderful. All of our kids were around (4 total). Things come back around if you persist in making your life good. Take care and enjoy what you have now and look for better tomorrow.

Hi Kat

I can only imagine what you went thrue for 30y that is long time.

I have a question for you-

When BP is manic, how doe's that look exactly and also depressed?

My husband gets irritated easly any time and then he gets angry or rage. Depression he was never in the bed that he couldn't get up. He use to tell me "I feel down" or "I feel depressed" but never to the point that he couldn't go to work or do things. He was diagnosed with ADHD whenhe was 5y and was on ritalin for 10y. After that he never used any other meds and also he was never diagnosed again.

So I'm trying to find out what exacly happends with the BP going thrue manic or depresed mode. Also I'm wondering if my husband has adult ADHD or BP.

Thanks in advance!
I hope you are enjoying your Thanksgiving!!

D

[QUOTE) Some BPs are abolutely charming when they're manic--and then when depression hits, people just feel sorry for them--and blame spouses, work, etc. for their unhappiness.![/QUOTE]

You are SO right!! My guy had everyone (including ME) feeling sorry for him - when I was with him at a party, people saw him with me and kept coming up to him and saying "see I told you your life would turn around". His downstairs neighbor, who he hardly ever saw even mentioned to me that he had told HER all about his divorce!

He's probably telling his family that I dumped HIM, when he's the one who just tuned out and disappeared. Both he and his ex-wife happen to be in my city right now and I had asked him to bring my things from his apt here for me, but he hasn't even emailed me to make arrangements for me to exchange my stuff for his stuff which was here (and he has about $1500 worth of stuff here!). I even said we could make an appointment for the exchange and that I would wait in my house while he just exchanged the stuff on my doorstep. A friend of mine warned me in advance that my guy would probably be "passive-aggressive" about the stuff because he just doesn't want to deal with it, and he may be right. Well, if he doesn't contact me, I'm just gonna write off my stuff and keep his!! What a nightmare! The idiot even left his toothbrush in my toothbrush holder, so that I would see it every day and think of him! What CRAP!

Bric asked what mania and depression look like. Each person is different. I think there are degrees of BP and different balances between the manic and the depression in different people. When he was depressed in the past, my husband didn't function, period. He took to the bed in the spare room and stared off into space. He wouldn't talk to any of his children, though he did communicate with me a bit--but then, without me, he would have starved to death.

When he's manic, he's a lot of fun, very exciting at first--then it gets worse and he regresses into a childlike anger and spitefulness, flies into a rage over a non-issue, becomes sneaky and underhanded in dealing with money, etc. Read the posts. We've all experienced the same things. Now, because lithium worked for him, I didn't go through any of the ups and downs until 1995 when he went off it the first time. I didn't even realize the first manic episode for what it was, though he became very difficult, very demanding--and he bought a townhouse behind my back because I wouldn't move closer to his golf course(since we had a junior in high school). He also was a very high functioning attorney when he was manic--absolutely brilliant, people said. As he's gotten older, the mania has gotten worse, more childlike, more explosive. And the depressions have gotten a bit lighter. But as I said, each BP has different patterns, different obsessions and triggers.

I don't think it matters what initials get assigned to these people--they are mentally ill. There's a wire loose somewhere in the brain that may or may not be "repaired" with medication. They have no natural control of their own emotions; the child in the subconscious comes to the surface (whereas in "normal" people it remains surpressed). When that child comes out--call it whatever name you like--all hell breaks loose. My husband had terrible temper tantrums as a child; had he lived in a later age, doctors would probably have recommended ritalin. The disease is always there. Medication may control it for a while and it may manifest itself in different ways--but it is always there.

I started reading posts on this forum several days ago, and I posted this morning because the fact that it is Thanksgiving and my children have abandoned me because I don't "need" them as he does really made me angry about all of it. I read the posts of you young people who are newly involved with BPs and other mental disorders, and I fear for you. Do not go there. I'm a tough old bird in my late sixties with an ego of iron. I'm a born survivor--always land on my feet and know absolutely that none of this is my fault. I also have my own financial resources my husband can't touch. But some of you are very vulnerable, feeling great guilt and confusion over something no one at all has any control over, letting a BP spouse retain some control of children or money. That's scary to me. Sometimes I still get angry, but then I step back and realize it makes about as much sense as getting angry at a hurricane. All mental illness is a force of nature and nothing you say or do will "cause" it or stop it. And it will not go away.

When my husband crashes down from this manic high, his children will try to take care of him. I fear for them too. They still don't understand he's totally irrational--he seems so "on top of it." But at some point soon, one of them will call and say, "Dad's depressed and wants to come home." And I will say no, which they also won't understand--until they have had to really deal with him.

I had a good Thanksgiving, by the way--joined a friend and her husband and two sons, ate hearty and relaxed and enjoyed each other. And drank too much wine.

Kat,

Good to hear that you had good time with your friends.

Thanks a lot for sharing your expirience with us. As i said in my previous post, my husband doesn't have this extreme crashes. I will say he is more hypomanic or he has the ADHD. But the problem is he want talk about it he thinks he is just fine. Also he is blaming his behevior on the circumstances and me. He says I'm the one who is BP. He is talking to an therapist about our marriage but not his problem. Two years ago he was atking some meds for anixety he tald me and he was much mor balanced out. But after 3-4 weeks he stopped taking it.

Reading you post and what you had gone thrue, I don't think I will do that. The biggest confusion is when you have small childern and they miss and talk about him. That is very havy. And I don't know when you look back, was it worth it for you to stick out with you husband?

Again thanks a lot!
D

This is prejudiced and stereotyping. You can't lump all people with BP into patterns like this. You can't universally call all people with BP "abusers", "co-dependent", "self-absorbed", "drama cravers", "incompetent parents", and "incapable of love and nurture". I'm sorry you had a bad spouse, but that doesn't mean all folks with BP are bad. Unfortunately, the spouses who seek out these support boards are the ones who have experienced the worst of the worst, so you're going to getting a very skewed view of reality.

Let me tell you what MY experience as a married woman with BP is. I began seeking treatment on my own when I was 18. No one had to convince me something was very, very wrong. No one had to force me to get diagnosed or start taking medication. I have never, not once, gone off of my medications on my own in 8 years. I still attend therapy sessions weekly. I have not had a major episode in 3 years because I maintain a healthy lifestyle, good coping skills, proper medication management, and excellent medical care.

I have full blown Bipolar I. My symptoms have never manifested in uncontrollable rage, abuse (physical or verbal), or sexual promiscuity. Not everyone has the same symptoms! I have never cheated on my husband in 3 years of marriage or 3 years of courtship. I have never blamed my husband for making me ill or for being ill himself. My husband is my biggest supporter. I am grateful to have him in my life. And I am fully responsible and accountable for my actions, regardless of whether they occur in or out of an episode.

My husband is NOT my caretaker. I am responsible for my care. I take my medications, I go to therapy, I monitor my moods, I make my doctor's appointments, I live my life like a *normal* person. I have a job. I am a graduate student. I do laundry, clean cat litter boxes, and grocery shop. I am a normal, functioning person.

It's not true to say that people with BP are unfit to be parents. A person with BP may not be fit 100% of the time, but I can guarantee that you, nor any parent, is either. A person with BP who is being properly treated with medication and therapy is perfectly capable of being a loving and nurturing parent and spouse.

I do not crave drama nor am I self-absorbed. Bipolar disorder is not a personality flaw. What you're desccribing is more indicative of a personality disorder than bipolar. My personality is mellow, shy almost, and very undramatic. I occasionally get riled up by posts like this, but only when I see such gross injustice that I can't sit back and be quiet about it anymore.

It's the spreading of stereotypes and stigma such as this that makes it so difficult for people with bipolar to seek treatment and be honest with their family members about their illness. I certainly don't discount that your wife could have been so awful. There are people out there who are very, very ill and refuse to seek treat and refuse to accept responsibility. However, they are not representative of everyone and to imply that they are is irresponsible and damaging. The people who come to this board are the ones who are trying to get better and to live normal, healthy lives. How can they hope to recover when they are greeted with this?? What if your children inherit this disease? What do you think they have learned from you about it? That they are inherently bad people? That they will destroy anyone's lives they come in contact with? That they are no longer worth anyone's compassion or love?

My husband and I have talked about this issue a number of times, and I asked him to read this post this morning to get his impressions. Our lives are more complicated because of my illness, but all in all, it really hasn't been that big of an issue. I haven't done any of the things that are being described in these posts (and he agrees). He's able to coexist with my illness just fine because most of the time, it's a non-issue. And I've built a series of safety nets to help both of us in the unlikely situation that something were to happen.

So, in conclusion, I think spouses seeking support is wonderful, and I wish my husband had a place to seek support as well. But support does not equal tearing down all BP folks in an attempt to get back at your ex's. Your ex's are your ex's. The rest of us are as individual as you are. And again, I say, the spouses who are attracted to these boards are the cases of the worst of the worst, so they represent a skewed view of reality. My husband, who doesn't agree with your views at all about being married to someone with BP, doesn't come to these boards because he doesn't fit in nor does he feel he needs much support. Therefore, his reality is not being represented.

Bottom line: I'm not your spouse, I deserve to be treated respectfully as an individual (as do others).

This message has been edited. Last edited by: anonbp,

And please don't accuse me off being "too sensitive" due to my BP. That's a cop out. I'm perfectly capable of intelligent, rational thought.

very well said anonbp,

g,jsmith and kat as well as many others,myself included, have experienced the worst that bp has to offer.no doubts there.you have been lucky,your husband also.true not all bp's act the same.you said you started meds at 18 and have been ok for 8 years,that would make you 26 ish.i ,like many others,didn't see the worst till the age of 30 or more.what were thought to be bad days or just moodiness,went untreated and led to the worst of the worst.you have been treated from the start.concider yourself very lucky.i pray that your illness doesn't progress.

i've been married for 18 years,when your hit with what we have been hit with its very hard not to only think about the bad stuff.i'm certian that the others had wonderfull marraiges for awhile.same with me.despite whats happened in my own,im still married and hope the she can stay stable.thats alot of hope in a little bottle of pills though.that fact that the others stayed married for such along time tells me they took all they could.had the same hopes that i have.should they be so negative about bp's?well thats why its called a public forum.we all have our opinions. maybe your husband should come to these boards.i see alot of poeple come asking for success stories,positive thoughts.i try to offer that but i sometimes find myself also passing on negative thoughts.i never tell people to down right leave,not my place.nor will i tell them to stay.i will share my own experiences,pass on what knowledge of the illness i have so they can make their own decision. just you coming here defending bp ,showing rational thought is possible is encouragment.
many others have asked g anfd jsmith personally for advise because they have "been through it".also they can offer a glimps into life after bp.some here cant see beyond today.their life is so messed up because of their spouce's bp.yet they have no idea what to do.some offer encouragment to stay and fight,others offer a life w/o bp.
i do agree that most that come here need help.some come to help.i spent weeks trying to find a forum.just reading medical facts alone doesn't do it.i have learned more in 2 months from this site from people like g and jsmith.not because they use the words "run",because they made it through.

Anonbp,

Its truly good to hear from someone doing so well in managing this illness. Wish I could have had a life with a BP spouse who successfully did the same. Its unfortunate that you took G's post so personally and were so offended by it. I am sure he didn't mean it that way and in fact his post is an accurate summary of what you will find on this forum. I expect for that reason, it would not be a good idea for you to read the many posts on this forum since many are from SO's or ex SO's of BP's who have had the same or very similar experiences as G. I don't think they are making them up. And I have been amazed at how many there are.

I really want to believe and hope that you will be successful in your management of the illness. However, speaking as someone whose BP ex left him after 5 years of courtship, 20 years of marriage and 2 children, and subsequently within 5 years of leaving is now institutionalized, I have to say you have a ways to go befroe you can call it a success.I think I could fairly say my BP ex was managing her disease well after I had known her for 6 years. I am not saying that to insult you in any way - rather to point out that you and your SO's battle has barely begun. I hope you win it. I hope you both have happy, successful and fulfilling lives. It sounds like you are off to a good start. But based on what I have experienced and what others on this forum have experienced, it is going to be very difficult. There are a lot of unhappy endings out there. Most of us would not choose to relive them. Those of us with unhappy endings need a place to help us understand that we are not alone and that its not our fault or responsibility. This is that place for many.

Take care and (very sincerely) good luck

anonbp,

after rereading your post and rob's I want to add a bit more to my last one.

You have brought up the subject of children. I have now been a single parent for nearly 5 years. My children are doing well. One in college, the other will go to college in about 1.5 years. They are very successful. But they were put at risk about 5 years ago when their BP mom tried to remove them to another state against their will and with the cooperation of a court appointed law guardian and two other attorneys. Only a judge who was able to see that some things did not make sense was able to prevent this from happening. My children have a 1 in 5 chance of being BP - perhaps higher after the family history I have learned about their mom. It is one of my greatest fears that they may develop this disease. In fact my son's coach (he is a college athlete) became aware of his mom's problems when she acted inappropriately at one of his games and caused the coach to have to remove my son from the game. I had to make the coach aware of what was going on. My son therefore has a mentor he is close to watching for signs. My children are very aware of the possibilities. I am hoping that because of their experiences with their mom, that like you they will be able to successfully manage the disease should it manifest itself. I am hoping they will have a support group of mentors and me should this happen to them.

As I said I want to know you are successful. I want to know that some BP's can be successful. My kids are the main reason for this. But G's post is still an accurate representation of what can happen. Knowing what can happen, I am hoping, is a way to successful management for my kids and for others on this board.

All the best to you.

jsmith