Bipolar Depression

I keep reading of a trait that seems to come up frequently: people with BP breaking up with partners numerous times and then rekindling their relationships.

Do they break up when in a depressive episode and then on the upcycle get back together again?

Or do they crave perhaps stability and safety again and this is why they return?

Or am I just being WAY too simplistic and generic?

Just interested. Any opinions from people who suffer BP who have rekindled their relationships most welcome.

Cheers Scotty

Scotty,

In reply to your question. From my observation of my BP husband, I think what happens is when they are in the manic cycle they feel invincible. It also makes them have very poor judgment. It's like they are on speed or something, that's where the excessive sex, sometimes extreme sports, excessive partying etc. comes in. If you are in a marriage or relationship they may break up or at the least be unfaithful. Then when the down swing comes, they need the support and attention of the non-BP and they come running back. This of course, plays havoc with the non-BP, and it's very hard to take someone who treats you so badly on one hand, but desperately needs you on the other. Don't know if this helps, but it is my observation.

i agree with DR, they are more prone to leave when in a high,then want to make amends when low.while they are in a high,they fell they own the world(i guess)the S/O is not as important.once they come down the emty feeling sets in.i think they need someone to say "its alright".they may also realize that the wants and needs of the "high"was'nt real.an example would be finding out the "grass wasn't greener".they are strong manipulators and somehow make us(non bp)feel responsible for them.i,ve learned that saying it was "ok" simply made the bp stronger.I've read that you should separate the BP from your S/o.that way you can love one and hate the other.be supportive to your S/O but not the BP.hope to achieve this someday.but right now I'm still determining what is BP and what is my wife.after 18 years i really dont know what a normal mood is.i know what mania is and i know what depression is.normal is just a,well unknown.

and your ok to keep it simple.dont try to make sense of it,you end up like me.remember we,mostly,use logic,we control our emotions,therefore control our actions.Bp has little conrol of emotions,and thier uncontroled emotions conrol actions,add unrealistic into it and you have BP.

Well put Rob. That's what makes it so hard, BP has no logic, there is no rational explanation for their behaviour. I also tried for so long to separate what was BP and what was my S/O, frankly I don't know if that is possible, in my opinion. I'm sorry to say it, but a lot of the time it is like living with a madman/woman or a schizophrenic. You can love them, but the behaviour exhibited is very hard to live with and it damages the non-BP a great deal I think. I have been separated from my husband for two years, and I am still trying to decide what to do. I still feel responsible for him, and I love a part of him, yet a lot of him is damaging to me and my mental wellbeing. If I had to do it again, I would run a mile I think and simply not get involved - but hindsight is 20/20.

DR,
would you really run or would you just do things different?i,m not sure i would have ran,had i known.we,ve had alot of good years.hypomania is fun if the energy is spent on us)good anyway)and doesn't escalate.and we know what happens when it escalates.but I went 18 years not knowing what the monster was.now that i know,i guess i fell alittle diferent.its not fun anymore.that "in your face,lets go,go,go"is a sign and a reminder now.

scott's situation is abit diferent than mine.he knows the monster from the begining.it doesn,t mean he cant have a life with her.infact he may have a better chance than those of us that had to find out the hard way.he's learning about it and wants to be supportive.for me ,what i thought was just a 1 time thing,or a bad day was bipolar.and i probaly have more to come.he wont have the bad memories from the unknown.he may experience some trouble,that will create bad memories,but he will know the cause.i think it makes a diference.while i,m on the subject of memories,i find it facinating how bipolars can simply block out bad memories and hurt,until they need it anyway.i would love to have the ability to forget about hurt,just pretend it never happened like they can.but at the same time we(non bp's) know the end result of just forgeting.it always comes back to bite us."bandaid on a broken leg"is what i call it.

anyway scott,good luck and ask away,learn all you can.i'll never tell someone to walk away,nor will i say stay,i will say if you stay it could get tough,and if you go you'll never know if she is "the one".

Rob, you may be right, the statement that I wouldn't do it again is coming from a place of tremendous hurt right now. Perhaps when I am detached enough I can look at it differently. You are also right in that knowing about it and learning everything you can from the beginning, together, is much different. I didn't know until 7 years into my marriage, and even still my husband won't go to therapy or read or research or try to learn about BP. He is on meds, but he drinks together with taking the meds. There are stories on this forum of couples who have successfully managed their relationship, but it takes a lot from both sides, not just the non-BP trying to make everything better and fix the BP, while they just let their disease run rampant.

Scott;

It is a very personal decision wether or not to remain with a BPSO. I left mine in May of this year and refused to speak with him for almost 4 months. During that time I was in therapy and spent a great deal of time working on me. In September I made the decision that no matter what I wanted to be with my husband. We went slowly and lived seperately until about 2 weeks ago. We were with each other almost every night during the time, but I didn't want to take the step of him moving back in until I was really sure that we could work on us. Therapy has been a savior to both of us. I am so lucky because although my SO has BP, he admits it and takes responsibility for it. He takes his medication faithfully and goes to both his doctor and his counselor. I know that I am in the minority. Don't get me wrong, we have our bad days and there are times I would like to bash his head in , but I have learned through therapy that there are ways to effectively deal with BP. If you have access to a support group go...it is really beneficial. The therapist that I see also does a bipolar support group and that has helped.
Good Luck
Rebbajo

Thankyou so much for your input everyone - it does help SO much

My g/f is at the stage now where she just 'cant have a boyfriend' at the moment. Even the word is too much pressure for her.

And yet we're pretty still much having the 'same' relationship - in fact it's now even deeper because we're actually talking about her bipolar - and TRYING to get realistic with it. The only difference is that we're not having the physical intimacy.

As I've mentioned elsewhere - she only sees her psych once a year and hasn't had her blood tested for FOUR years. From what I've read this is totally unacceptable.

Why can she not see this is wrong? She is a VERY smart girl - yet she is letting BP take control and ruin her life - she's put this relationship on hold, is having panic attacks every few days and is cycling VERY rapidly - and I know just heading for a big crash on the weekend.

I tell her it 'doesn't have to be this way' and she says 'I know'.???????

Now she's questioning what is 'real' and what is not re our relastionship.

She also told me sometimes it's scary for her to walk five feet from her couch to her kitchen.

Which the right meds and psych could help alleviate!!

Anyway - no one else knows what she is going through at the moment and I'm not giving up on her - there's just too much of a good person there.

Think I'm rambling - sorry - thanks Scott

i can only guess its easier for her to let bipolar control her.we(non BP's) cant imagine what they go through.what they dont see is how much we hurt.we know they hurt,they are in pain,they hate the feeling of no control.and we cant help them.
on sept 4th i watch my wife from the bedroom window(wasn't safe in the room)destroy the photo ablums,anniversary cards,love leters from me,poems i wrote,and her ceramic angel collection.all i could do was watch.i felt so helpless.it took for ever for the poloce to get there.inbetween the destruction she would sit on the floor and scream and bang her hands on the floor.then get back up and destoy more.this is one memory i would love to forget.i guess my point is even though they dont want the damage it causes it is easier to not fight it.but this is only my opinion.

ohps i rambled on too....

Rob,

I can't even begin to imagine what that was like for you. To say that it must have been heartbreaking and devestating seems like a gross understatement. My heart goes out to you.

I have to admit that I feel somewhat guilty about taking up space on this board because what I experienced does not even begin to compare to what others here have endured in the way of pain, suffering and heartache; both the BP's and the Non-BP's. Mine lasted two months! The first was incredible (I'm assuming he was in a manic or hypomanic state), and the second was a complete mystery that left me utterly confused, saddened and feeling betrayed. At the time, I knew he had suffered from depression in the past (he had admitted that much to me earlier on) and I assumed maybe he was having a relapse. And then one day he just disappeared.

It wasn't until a few months later I learned he was bipolar. It was then I started reading about this terrible illness and some of the devestating consequences it can have on both the person and their loved ones. Finding this board was a God send. I finally got answers to so many questions that I had not been able to get from him at the time, and it gave me a sense of closure. I'm still reading the posts because every now and then I'll think "why? What could I have done differently?", so it really helps to read what others are writing, to reaffirm that I couldn't have done anything differently.

Well, that's all for now. Thanks for "listening".

Hi all,

I wish my ex would call me or contact me in some way. I'm still in shock! I wish I could hear the "old" him calling me his "an-gel" and planning our life together. Or at least, call me with some sort of explanation as to why he turned into a different person and just disappeared! I am obsessed with checking into his dating profile to see when he logs in - I check several times a day. So far he's only checked in once today at 7:15 am.

I wonder if he misses me. I wonder if he'll call me after realizing that what is on the web isn't better than me. The dating profile he has up right now is VERY angry - it reads like a direct letter to me and I loved him to pieces. So, I'm wondering what kind of women he will attract with it. I imagine when he calms down from whatever phase he's in he'll change it. His previous one was very upbeat and, now that I think about it, hypomanic. I didn't meet him online. Friends introduced us, but I saw his profile on there. I gave up on internet dating 4 years ago when I realized that all the men in my age group who were still available were very damaged in some way.

Ugh! He just logged onto the dating site and it's 10 pm where he is. I'm freaking out! He's the best looking guy in his area and, on top of that, he's a doctor to boot! But, he was on there for almost 2 months before being fixed up with me and couldn't find anyone he liked. I can only hope ...

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Tara,
I am in the same boat as you are right now, the only difference it seems is that we are still living together in the same house. I of course moved into a smaller room and him and his son moved into the master. We have a lease, and its too expensive for us to do it here on our own.
We were together just over 7 months. The most intensive relationship I have ever had. Talked about marriage, kids, everything. We were living together within the first two months. Now that I think about it, all of that was his ideas that I kind of went along with. I knew that he had mental problems but he told me it was just depression. Then he decided that he didn't want to be with me anymore. His psychiatrist told him not to make any major decisions until he got his head strait, so we worked on things. This happened one more time before the last time. The last time he decided that he does not love me anymore and doesn't want a girlfriend. I thought the problem was me mainly so I even started seeing a counselor. Turns out, he is BP. If I would have known, I would have read up on it a long time ago and learned a little on how to deal with it.
Now I get to watch while he blows all of his money on his "bright ideas" and spend endless hours awake doing whatever it is that he does now.
We have had sex a few times since the split (bad idea, I know).
It just hurts so much watching him non-schilantly going about his business as if all the I love you's we shared don't mean a thing anymore.

Jessica,

Sorry for what you're going through. Somehow, hearing that other women are going through this makes me feel like I"m not going crazy! I'm in the same boat, only it was only 2-1/2 months. He was 'in love" with me after about 2 weeks, but from the first phone call, he called me every night and talked for hours. He wanted to see pictures of everyone who is important in my life. (He lived in an adjoining state and we were fixed up by mutual friends.) At the 3 week point, in his state, he told me we should make a baby together (never mind the 3 kids he already has trouble supporting). And, all of this just 3 months out of his very contentious divorce!

A month and a half ago he flew here and we drove back to his state so that I would have my car there, to go look at houses for us to rent! Now, mind you, this was ALL his idea, just like with your guy. While there, I realized that something was VERY fishy with him. Once I got home, we had one rather frank conversation, where I confronted him with some things and then two days after that I got the call that "he needed his space" and he hasn't talked to me since. He won't answer an email - nothing! It's like I never existed! He just put his dating profile back up and it reads like an angry letter to me.

I keep reading his emails and listening to his phone messages over and over again and can't believe this happened. He was the most lovely and sincere man I had ever met in my life and now, he is as good as dead. From what everyone says on this board, even if he does come back, he won't be the same because I fell in love with him in a hypomanic state. So, I'm basically in love with a man who never existed in reality. I new he was too good to be true!

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Hi CC and Jessica:

I still continue to read these messages here because even though it's been over three months since mine vanished into thin air, and although I've accepted it in my heart, I still can't seem to reconcile it in my head. I just can't get over so many of the similarities that I've seen between my situation and what others have experienced. And like others have mentioned, it's nice to know that we're not alone. Not in the sense that "I'm glad other people have experienced this too", because I wouldn't wish this on anybody. But just from the standpoint of realizing we're not crazy. That's how I felt just after the disappearing act. I also felt like a complete fool, like I had been taken for a ride and didn't even realize it.

CC, I know you and I have compared notes about our situations, and it occurred to me that mine started withdrawing when I admitted my concerns to him as well. He had admitted having gone through a severe depression about a year ago pretty early on in our conversations, and I was very understanding and supportive. In fact, he seemed surprised by my reaction. But then when I started noticing a change in his behavior (cutting remarks, abrupt endings to conversations, aloof and cold demeanor) I expressed my concerns to him. In fact, I even offered him an out by saying "If you've had a change of heart, if you're feelings have changed, just be honest with me. I can handle it, but I can't handle not knowing why things have changed."

And that's when he started getting defensive, saying "I try my best, I guess it's not good enough", and "I'm sorry I'm not all that you expected." It was sooo infuriating; like talking to a child (and this was an extremely brilliant, highly educated man). He had created this illusion of being the most caring, empathic, thoughtful, considerate man; a truly flawless performance. And then when I had the audacity to ask what happened to cause such a drastic change, he made it seem like I had such unrealistic expectations. He also kept accusing me of "projecting"; that I was really the one who wanted out so I was projecting it on to him!

The lies and deception were really hard to deal with, but I think for me, the biggest obstacle was the irrational thinking and behavior. That's what was starting to drive me crazy the most, and I think that's what keeps me sane when I think back to everything that happened. As others here have said, you can't rationalize with an irrational person. I think the more you try (at least for me) the more crazy it will end up making you!

Hi Mystified,

Funny, how similar our stories are. And, Jessica, you too. I can't imagine having to live with this guy under the same roof! It must be hell.

The one thing that the rest of you on this board have that I don't is verification that your men were diagnosed with BP. Mine never was. He once told me that his shrink suspected hypomania and they even tested his testosterone levels (I don't remember what for, but they were very high). The only thing he admitted to having was pretty severe OCD - ruminating about his patients to the point where he couldn't think or sleep. And, he still talked in his sleep constantly, even though he was on VERY heavy doses of SSRIs for the OCD. One of the SSRIs (Lexapro) is suspected of causing hypomanic episodes.

Ironically, while researching stuff about him, I stumbled upon info on natural treatments for OCD and I"m now taking Inositol to stop my ruminating about HIM!!! I read on holistic mental health treatment board that some guy had manic episodes while on Lexapro for OCD and the Inositol worked for him. I've been one it two days and was actually able to get things done for a change (as opposed to laying in bed all day looking up at my ceiling fan).

I had thought that my not having sex with this guy would keep me "safe". I thought that if he stayed with me and still loved me with no "nookie" that he was "for real" and was, in fact, my soulmate who I have been waiting for all my life.

We even talked about how long it took us to find one another and one of his letters to me said "although it has been a long and difficult journey, I have finally found my missing half. You are my true beloved". Yeah, I know, he was very poetic. Ivy League schooled, no less! You should have seen the personalized fables and fairy tales he wrote about my life - which of course, all ended with our finally finding each other. He sucked me in real good. So, here I sit, 52 years old, still waiting to meet my soulmate and for my life to start.

Mystified, you mentioned your guy was acting irrational. I never saw that from my guy. He was always fairly steady and even-tempered, albeit moody. Except when I brought the overspending to his attention (I had found some receipts while organizing his closet for him). Then he turned into someone else, saying "I'm doing the best I can, I can only be who I am", without ever giving me an explanation for what that means. And, he was pacing hastily about the room while saying that - then he just stormed out.

I was the one who was acting irrational and that's why I keep blaming myself. I was very weepy and unstable for two reasons - first, he was impossible to sleep with (snoring, farting that shook the bed, talking in his sleep, alarm at 5:50-6:00 am) - I think I got one hour a night for two weeks straight with him and only slept about 4 hours a night at home for the two weeks leading up to my trip there. And, second, the more I uncovered there, the more insecure I got. The less I believed his facade. I think he sensed it too. I mean, he was still very nice to me and talking about moving forward, but I could feel a distance building. He had begun to make cutting, insecure remarks over nothing. My last night there I told him that I was afraid we were going to have some kind of big fight and that all my stuff would still be at his place in another state. He reassured me that he'd drive it out to me and then beg me to come back with him. Which, now that I think of it, was a weird way of saying it. Why didn't he just reassure me that we wouldn't have any fights? Yeah, he was already "tuning out" and I felt it and he knew that I felt it. I listened to his phone messages again today (I played them for a friend to get her opinion) and he was still leaving messages for me that he loved and missed me even after I got home from the last trip there. The nightmare trip. I guess I still don't know what to make of it - maybe he was hedging back and forth? But, then I had the rather harsh, pointed conversation with him which ended on a good note (he was still his sweet self) and two days later, I got the "I need space" speech and he's been gone ever since.

I was supposed to be in his state tonight and for the next 9 days to attend holiday parties with him this weekend and next. Then we were supposed to go to Mexico for a few days over New Years Eve. What do these guys tell their friends? I met EVERYBODY, the entire congregation, his mixed-up kids who don't like him, his family - everybody. I don't know whether he told them how serious we were, but they've gotta think that something drastic happened for us not to be together. So, when they do come back, what do they say to everyone?

I shudder to think of what he's told everyone about me - after showing me off like some kind of shiny new prize - yeah, he had a brand new $1000 Nikon camera, wide screen TV, convertible car and ME! And, I was the only thing he could really afford! LOL

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