Bipolar Depression

i am a middle aged wife of a newly diagnosed bp2 man. we were married 1 year ago, after 18 months of relationship. our relationship started too fast, which is something i should have seen as a red flag. a lot has happened, but at this stage he has estranged my 32 year old son, and made other family members look at him with concern. he has accepted that he is bp2 and is on lithium for 1 month now. at this time, until today, i thought the lithium treatment was going well. he has a psychologist he sees once a week. mostly, my husband is sexually driven, an dif he cannot get what he wants, he starts horrible fights. he has threatened divorce so many times, compared me to all the normal women out there, abandoned me, and his most recent manic episode he left me 1500 miles from home and emptied our bank account while we were on summer vaccation. fortunatley, i was with my son, and had a place, but this did not bode well for that whole relationship. my son cannot forgive him and is worried sick. i was a single mom for years, and did everything to raise a son who respects me. he does, and is also very worried for me.

I am bac. I signed out suddenly, since my husband came into the room, and I am not into a fight about posting here. I need to talk somewhere. He has been calm for 1 month, on lithium. but tongight he started acting out again. He wants sex, won't take no for an answer ( he takes no..but he makes a huge deal out of it). It wears me out.

I am responding to my own post .. to say that as days go by, I realize over and over that I need to stay positive and not fcous on the past mistakes .. It's important not to forget entirely how real this BP is .. the effects it has on a SO life .. But, it's prpbably more important to remember that each person who chooses to stay and work out a life with their BP spouse, is making a CHOICE. I am not a victim, unless I choose to be. I love my husband so much, and most days (especially now), he is very calm. His lithium treatment is working right now. And each day seems like a new experience for me. I am slowly beginning to release that 'walking on eggshells' feeling. Even when I tell him I am still feeling unsafe, cautious and need to see how this all goes, he stays calm and accepts it. He is keeping his appointments, taking his meds, reading books about his illness, and communicating so much more love. The other night was a brief setback, like early days. But, he has only been on his treatment for 6 weeks. So, it takes time. And as his psychologist says, there is no perfect .. people slip .. not only BP people. He says we are working with a relatively mild case of BP2 (not to minimize how shocking even this can be), with an excellent prognosis. So, anyway .. I post a lot .. not many people post back ..but it helps me to say things here. If anyone wants to respond with support or their own story .. I check in every day at this time .. I wish anyone who reads here .. hope, peace and positive outcomes ..

Good Evening Tired of the fight

First let me say I completely get you. I have been married 15 years to a Psychiatrist who also has Bipolar 2. He refuses to take the medicine and minimizes his own symptoms, out of male pride, denial & stubborness. His patients all ADORE him as he is very charming and gets off on being loved on a superficial level...maintaining real intimacy is a much more daunting task. He is kind, smart, talented and gifted...we are also recovering from his sexual acting out, bankruptcy, and poor judgements. I will warn you, as a Psychiatric professional myself, keep your gaurd up, as this is a true illness with periods of stability and episodic manifestations of the chemical brain storm that characterizes this disease. I, without a doubt, love my husband, but it has changed over the years. I trust his heart, just not his illness...so when you feel your gaurd has to be up, thats draining to true intimacy...I try to fill that need with grandchildren, girlfriends, horses & animals. Good luck, the highs can be fun but the lows will try to suck the life blood out of you. I have told our unmarried son...NEVER, under ANY circumstances, marry someone with this illness, unless they deeply respect the illness and have demonstrated their commitment to treatment.

Hello married to the shrink
thanks for responding to my posts ..I really appreciate your feedback. I cannot help but keep my guard up. It is just ther. I see how many people have been hurt and let down, just when they thought it was going to be ok. The other night, I was laying awake fantasizing a different life..just peace all the time..not that its ever that way for anyone..but I was thinking about how I would leave him..I thought about his freakedout reactions and the other times I felt I would go and he really made my life hell. He can afford a major lawyer and I cannot. he has already told me he would make my life miserable if I ruin things by leaving (this is what he is like when not medicated) ..so far he is taking the eds. So far, he is calmer and seems like he is cooperating. But he still has an unreal attitude in a way. Like, he minimizes how much he hurt me and my grown son with his acting out. He does not think I should still be so upset! It has been about 7 weeks since the worst hell and humiliation. He thinks our sex life is a priority, and I think he needs to just focus on his health. He does not realize how serious it is, ony that I could leave him. I don't threaten this. But, he knows enough to realize it is a lot to ask any woman to put up with. Do I love him? Yes. Like most of all the other spouses. Woiuld I have married him, had I known? No. I advise anyone who knows this before the vows, to back out and save your self the grief. I wish you all peace.

If your hubby can afford a good lawyer,he must be reasonably bright & be successful in his earnings capacity, so....doe he attend therapy to gain insight about this disease? Any time spent researching it or buying books about it? Is there any spiritual belief systen in your home? For us,we try to put Christian principles first, which promotes him loving me affectionately as his first priority, the wife,like Christ,loved the church, and I am to be respectful of him, which is to honor & service his sexual needs....at 63 this is no longer much of an issue unfortunately as i miss it(i am younger) Also he has agreed to get on Prozac & Wellbutrin again and take his Testosterone shot.(This also makes a huge difference in his energy & sexual appetite.) As with many people who have acquired positions of power,there is an element of confidence neccessary to work at that high level of expectation, but it has to be kept humble by Christ,or it will bloom into a weed of narcissim,aqnd I deserve it-ism. Christ grows a spiritual garden,plants the seeds of wisdom & insight,and 'allows' us to be free choice farmers. His teachings guide us on recognizing when behaviors show potential to become weeds,and that they shoulod be plucked out & discarded from our lives. I adore my sons and am ALWAYS happy to hear from them & would help them in any way I can....I know God feels the same when I phone home & ask for his help....its just that as humans we have cluttered our lives with so much technology,concrete & asphault,we find it hard to find snatches of God...but Hes always there,not too clingy or smothery,but just patiently waiting to hear from us so he can give us what we ask for.Hope this helps some.
hugs~ the wife

HI there

I do have a successful husband. He works hard and does quite well. We are not religious, and do not intend to become so. I understnad it works for you. I do not believe it is my job to satisfy his sexual appetite. In fact, his appetite is manic most of the time, and to satisfy it would be to have sex with his mania. When he is well, it is normal. But, I kow when he is manic, because it gets very intesne and weird, and he throws a fit if I say no. He says *You owe me*, and I find this very disrespectful to my rights. I do not owe any one sex. Ever. It is a gift. Not a task. He does read a lot about his illness, goes to therapy and writes a lot. He does a lot to cope. But, its early days, so I hope it continues. I have so many unresolved feelings about things that happened in the past..and they hurt a lot. I feel alone in these hurts, and while I try to release them , I wish he could realize how hurtful he was. I have my own faith in a God, and release what I can. But, I want my husband to look me in the eye, and I want to see true remorse and understanding. I want to be honoured, too. I am really wishing for this. He sometimes says things from such a distant place, so unfeeling. He seems to not realize he has hurt me. It is so hard. To love a person who is not well, but to so many in the world he seems so well. He brags about how other women say he is hot, or say they think he has a great body etc (he does0, and he says it like a joke. It hurts me, that he would come home and make these announcements. Today, he was paranoid. I got aphone call, and he tried to grab my phone to see who it was..when i held the phone back, he said *what do you have to hid??*. I have nothing to hide, but I do have a right to privacy. I would never grab his phone, and he would never stand for that. Tonight, he asked me *what was going on*?? paranod

I agree with you about your comments. Bipolar Disorder can be accompanied by (comorbidity) of personality disorders. These are NOT addressed with medication, but with 1:1 work with a skilled therapist. However the Bipolar disease must be properly medicated first for the therapy to be heard. My husband has Bipolar 2, which is less severe than Bipolar 1, but still takes its toll on those that love them. He has agreed to start antidepressant medication, so I am hopeful...Your hubby sounds very manic & narcissitic...what an exhauting combination. What mood stabilizer is he on? My husband usually prescribes Depakote, although Lamictal & Lithium also can be effective. If a Bipolar 1 person takes JUST an antidepressant and not a mood stabilizer too, it can often make their illness much worse. In the mean time all you can do is be loving yet set FIRM limits in a matter of fact way, & be careful not to let his emotional level drive yours up. Walk away, lock the door or get in the car & go do something you like, shop, get your nails done, browse books at Barnes & Noble, join a gym, etc. I have been thru alot with my hubby too. At one point after he admitted he took all the money out of my elderly mothers bank account to pay bills he had run up, I slapped him. I had *never* done anything physical before. He was so enraged he shoved me backwards into a chair so hard, the chair flipped over backwards and i cut my forehead on the edge of a piece of furniture requiring stitches. That was truly a bad moment...and he has never laid a hand on me since...but again, not the behavior of a normal person with no mental illness. (He was immediately remorseful, but I called my best girlfriend and had her take me to the hospital & of course lied about how it happened) Medication & therapy for both of us has helped. He is a smart physician and a truly good person with a nasty mood disorder/disease.

HI again

Yes..bp1 and bp 2 are not the same..but that does not mean the hurt is necessarily any less. My husband is on lithium only. He is so much better since he wenton it. Once he went on antidepressants, and it was not a good thing. He got worse, but that was before heknew me. His second wife was a nurse, and she had told him he needed help. somehow the doctor never recognized that the anti depressants had made him worse, and that this was a sign of another problem. Anyway, he is on an appropriate medication now. His medical doctor thinks he needs to increase the doseage, but also says 'if youare coping well, then don't worry about it'. It bugs me that no one asked me how he was coping. I think my view may be more accurate than my husband's view of himself. My husband is a good person. But, yes, it gets tedious that he is so into himself. It is not a turn on for me. He has bp 2 , by the way. At least, that is what they say. I appreciate these posts a lot.

Hi there~

Yes it IS nice to have contact with a women experiencing the side effects of living with and loving a person with Bipolar. My hubby,is a board certified Psychiatrist as was his older brother. Older brother was quite a character...people & patients either ADORED him or hated him. He was a very skilled clinician ,however had Bipolar 1 and had quite an eventful life,extremely fun and also risk taking behaviors,way acting out sexually, cocaine & cannibis abuse, very successful musician, Eagle Scout,over achiever,,,but VERY narcissistic....after exhausting the mother of their 2 children for 30 years, he remarried and she was a workaholic,pretty enough to keep his interest,12 years younger, and like the first wife, tried to join him rather than try to change him...but she too served as the emotional anchor for him. He was very loving & maintained a warm friendship with his exwife and new wife welcomed this...with Larry, always room formore love. He died suddenly in plane crash on a beautiful & clear November evening as he flew home from a trial he served as expert witness & forensic Psychiatrist. When Larry entered any room,it was a parade, so to speak. His sexual addiction, poor judgement/failure to recognize appropriate boundaries never to the point of legal action, but my hubby (there was only the 2 of them) always felt he had to cover for or explain his brothers eccentricities in their shared professional lives. Their father was a much loved family doc/major workaholic in a city where the mayor gave him the "key" to the city as he delivered 5000 babies there in his years of practice...loved on a superficial level by adoring patients, and his wife, but was pretty much never home or emotionally available. Mom also exhibited Bipolar 2 behaviors, never full blown mania but hypomanic, highly skilled musician, teacher, & received multiple awards,etc...but at 80 she still wore black lacey tops & heavy eyeshadow & hubby says she had quite an active dating life prior to marrying his dad who was her highschool teacher. Hubby's only son is Bipolar 1, in/out of college start/stop, alcoholic, drug abuser & sexual addict...now on Depakote, Junior at large University & teaching in Africa this spring '10...also DEVOTED to AA & his meetings & working the 12 step program....but hes 30 and the last 15 years have included inpromptu cross country drives while drinking, several months in jail, and credit card bills due to cocaine abuse, also talented actor, does some local theater, and has a kind heart,,,as long as he is on meds & sober.

I love hubby but have come to understand why 1st marriage didn't last...she did notthink he had mental illness (those are street people,right?) so the more impulsive he was with spending ie the more controlling she became,,,insisting on handeling all their finane affairs, which he resented. These folks often don't take responsibility or rationalize, minimize their actions, and even project the blame on the spouse. Hubby says every Bipolar person has ADHD, but NOT every person with ADHD has Bipolar. In this way Bipolar folks are hard to live with as they are so internally driven they are either super focused when challenged & ignore or forget or lose things or they are in their ragged,irritable, down,needing sleep style. I have learned if I want to be present in hubbys life on an intimate level, I have to join his world to some degree (I'm a nurse & work with him) & accept the fact that his addiction is work & being adored by others,which is just as equal to being loved & adored by me or our kids. He is very good with the kids deeply but very sporadic with it...does any of this sound familiar?

We both think my husband's younger daughter (25) is bi polar..and I think she is in very serious trouble. She is on cocaine, alcohol, is in love with a film guy who is also an addict. She cannot hold a job. She shows up for family events looking like a stripper or street hooker. When she met my son, her new step brother, she was wearing literally see through nylon leopard print clothes and her breasts were basically fully visible. I felt like I had to give her a big sweater to cover up. She is wild and very beautiful and multi talented. she once lived on the streets and took crystal meth..at age 15. She was diagnosed as oppositional defiant as a young child. My husband said he blamed a lot on her when she was little, which is so sad, because he was so sick and in denial himself. He feels guilty about that now. He wore out his first wife (I am his 3rd), after 17 years of marriage. He wore out his 2nd wife. He wore out a long term girlfriend. Then I got him . He really acts ADHD, and I raised a child with ADHD (although my son is not bi polar) .. so I think it may be true what your husband says. Yes, my husband is larger than life, successful businessman, very handsome, super fit man in his mid 50s. Women stare, people in business like him a lot. However, once people get really close, they start to get tired and avoid. So, he has good superficial relationships. His daughters both adore him, though. He has never laid a hand on me to hurt me. I have slapped him twice. Both times he was in my face, and I was really frightened. He had raged and lectured me for hours, and would not stop or let me go lock myself in a room. It was too late at night to drive away, I was exhausted. I slapped him .. well, I actually pushed him back and it turned into a slap, and then he called the police on me. The police told me the first time (since I admitted I slapped him), I had to leave and stay with a friend or they would put me in a cell. He stood there and allowed that, with him feeling like a victim. I weighed 105 pounds, and if you could see it , it would seem insane. The second time, I just denied it (I have a reputation, and it served no purpose to get in trouble and lose my job over HIS bad behaviour), and they told him to go away and calm down. He was ranting with the police there, and they decided he was the problem. Once, I stayed with his parents, and his mom told me she had wondered if he had mental health issues. Later, it turns out there are several uncles (her brothers) who are bi polar, and she knew that. We have 3 news years eve's together, and every one of them was a disaster. The first one, he drank and took some tranquilizer (which I did not know). We wnet out, and he humiliated me in public. He was really disgusting that night. Anyway, I also have covered up the worst of our fights. Even if they are not physical, I find it embarrassing that these fights are so cruel. We have not had such a fight for about a month, since the lithium started to kick in. He is still way too hyper, though. He can be so abrupt and rude to me. He seems to be unaware of my needs in cases I have told him a million times .. like talking on the cell phone in heavy traffic, driving too fast etc. He manages the $$, and so far that has not been an issue. But lately, I have been asking more questions and becoming more an equal partner in the decision making. I am tracking the accounts, and trying to keep my own aside for an emergency situation. He doesn't really know that. He talks to me as if I would never leave. I do not know if I ever will. I love him. But, you know love is not everything. He wants to do everything together, but I need space and privacy, too. It is hard for him to accept that, and when I do my own thing to keep my sanity, he acts rejected. He often thinks he is unloved. We do not have people visit ever. I am not that confident with him in public. He is just too much without boundaries in his comments, jokes and flirtations. It is wierd, that I put up with this. I guess I have a tolerance for a lot, having had such a difficult life with my own mentally ill (bi polar) mother (she died at 47, when I was 15) and raising an ADHD son on my own. My son, by the way, was a piece of cake compared to this! And he has turned out to be so easy to get along with. He manages his symptoms with a very calm lifestyle ..So, I don't worry about him (he is 32). Anyway, there are so many parallels, and it makes me feel less crazy to realize I am not imagining these intensities, as they are part of the illness. My husband feels so much better, and he is happy to be diagnosed and takes treatment without argument. I have told him that if he stops, I will leave. I also told him that my opinion is paramount in his treatment, and I need to be consulted about how he is doing when he goes to the doctors from now on. I do have a nice life .. comfortable. I work full time for a non profit organization and my colleagues are wonderful mature women. I support the community as an outreach consultant and assist families (many immigrant and poor) to secure funds for childcare, and learn their way around our child care system in BC. It is very detailed, challenging, and positive outcomes for most. It is rewarding, although the pay is a joke. I have many years of post secondary education, but this work I am attracted to is not the most recognized. My husband owns an electrical compnay that is doing a booming business. We travel to Eurpope, own 2 condos, drive nice cars, no debts etc. Less than 3 years ago, I was on my own .. poor but also in a very peaceful place. My life has completely changed in every way. I do feel hoepful about our future. We are planning a trip in May, to Paris. I am not sure how to handle the travelling, because every time we go abroad he has several very bad days (and I suffer). How does travelling work out with bi polar?? I need a plan for that. Thanks for the posts .. andyour experiences have been a challenge for sure. I can see we all need to find our own ways to make these marriages work, but sharing stores and strategies is so helpful.

OK,really enjoyed your feedback, and my name is Judy, btw. Gosh, our lives do have alot of paralels! In my peaceful 'imagined' life, we would have lunch and probably chat for hours! You are right, growing up in dysfunctional families, it is very natural (without therapy to increase our awareness of the damage done) to seek out what we know or are familiar with on some level, but still struggle to fix it..sigh, wish I had known that years ago. This is my 3rd marriage too, but I am not Bipolar, I am like you, Codependent, which is a true disorder as it challenges our maintaining a healthy lifestyle for ourselves as we learn to suppress, ignore, sleep away, eat away, shop away, work away, etc our true knowledge that THINGS ARE OUT OF BALENCE...or as some say, somethings wrong, it just ain't right. It is important to maintain a link to sanity, someone who knows us and our situation, whom we believe has a healthy lifestyle themselves, to hear us and help keep the "keepers" on track. Bipolar people need objective life coaches, & it should not be the spouse. You have done a good job spelling out for him what your expectations are, and it sounds like he agrees to some degree. There is an important need for him to address how this disease impacts others, so I would insist he demonstrate his acknowledgement of that by action/or word, ie therapist (new lango "life coach") or reading books about the illness, and or attending a 12 step meeting where he will find other highly intelligent (its not a disease that affects low to average IQ's)people experiencing the same issues, acknowledge their powerlessness in trying to control it themselves and humbly admit that in a supportive environment. Otherwise it is constantly up to us to be their only feedback provider, which they can then feel comfortable utilizing their well practiced defense mechanisms. My hubby is kind of the opposite in some ways, he seems to ignore me when things are in control (with my help) but if I set limits & then act when those limits are compromised, eventually he gets needy & kind of pathetic, poor me BS. However, there is a strong sexual acting out component with this disease which HAS to be acknowledged by BOTH parties. I believe my hubby was completely faithful for 14 years, altho briefly pursued internet porn (free sites)masturbation (when I was home & available (@ his age some performance anxiety, & lazy...doesn't have to worry if I was satisfied, etc.) He too, is attractive, charming, flirtacious but not inappropriate, likes to hear himself talk but he has been much more willing to take cues from me when I see this addictive behavior begin to surface. I also am slim,& have maintained myself well, like mutually sharing sex with a man who has not broken my trust or said hurtful things, etc....but they do these things,,,it is a feature of the disease, so we, as spouses, need to decide that we must alter our expectations a bit IF they show effort at addressing it...perhaps a bit more slack than say we might with a less ambitious, laid back man...BUT ONLY if they agree to take cues and CHANGE. I know I am attracted to the fact that he has a wealth of knowledge, is deeply respected and genuinely liked in his work & family, and is a bit of an adventure...I worked 2 jobs as RN when sons were in HS & he took me away to Jamaica, several times, and other dramatic gestures/displays of his interest in me. Sex of course was not like it was with any other man in my life (but you could count those on one hand lol) but of course that did not last after a few years, still good sex,less often, & more about taking care of him, older now so does better with Viagra & there goes any spontanaiety..we talk about it alot..because I bring it up, not him...& today he acknowledged he only feels truly "alive" if hes always pushing the edge of the envelope, so to speak...I told him that it what makes me feel "dead" (numb) & I do better with peacefulness, animals,nature & really, at this point, female friends, children & grandchildren. I admitted I have enjoyed the benefits of the lifestyle we can afford, we have a 30 acre horse farm & lovely home, horses, plural put four kids thru good schools, have several furs, had a BMW Z4 till I changed for my Escalade, etc...BUT.....this is an illness that has its peaks & valleys & in my next correspondence i will share with you how he basically bankrupted us (still own our farm, etc but now have financial advisers & attorney involved, because hubby had not used good judgement, made decisions by himself that affected us both on many levels, ended up sexually acting out (affair of 3 mos) and like you, when I found out, it ended up ME being the one charged with disorderly conduct, while he whined to the officer it was truly all his fault. Been there, done that. Actually quite a story how that moment played out in unfortunately a public venue. We are currently 1 yr (almost to the day)of that confrontation...and we have come a long way....and I do love him I just am still not sure if I can LIVE with him. Now feel like I have to work with him (affair was in another state, but since he met her at work, as hes ALWAYS at work, I have not totally built back trust, tho I am sure if I am around/in his life, he will not stray, but if I set limits & pursue my own endeavors, THEN I do not trust how the disease helps him rationalize his needs and his nposition of wealth & power make him an attractive target for the ladies,,,after all, I bit the apple,so to speak. Gotta get to work after this break. I look forward to your letters.
Judy ps no spell check so forgive any typos I really am college educated heehee

HI there

I just need to clear up a possible misunderstanding .. I have only been married once (and this is the once . My husband is on his 3rd, and that means I get him after the other two gave up (and he gave up on them for not adoring him enough). I think I got luckier than them. Because he is willing to be in treatment, meds, journal, read , and all the other take care of yourself strategies. Our lives have definitley improved since this diagnoses, and he has taken it so seriously. He is working hard, and I support him. I have been in counselling for many years in the past, for co-da and other issues. I am really keenly aware of how I made choices in my life regarding relationships. I think some of that does not really go away, no matter how aware one becomes. It is very deep rooted. I do not prop him up .. at least I am trying to be super aware of this. I already know that he must stay in this positive mode of accepting his treatment, for me to stay. Because otherwise, it is just an abusive relationship. Untreated, we would never make it together. Bi P is no excuse for treating anyone like they don't count. It's a reason, for sure .. but it's not an excuse. He knows I have this view, and he respects this. It is really difficult to let go of the past hurts, and since we have only been together for a few short years and they have had so many hurts already .. it is only my very deep love for him that was the glue. As you know, life with BP2 (when they are stable) is very exciting and filled with wonderful times. He has also expressed such deep love for me, and given me so much. He has made my life a beautiful place, too. I would not raise children under these conditions, and thankfully I do not have to. I would worry about the down times too much. We have had several 'bi p' type arguments on a milder level, since the lithium started 8 weeks ago. This is much much better than before! No hours and hours of lectures and him leaving and storming back in, no waking me up to yell some more, no more blaming me for his confusion. Last night he apologized for the hurts he recently caused me and my son. He took 100% responsibility for all of it, and he has told his psych this, too. He owns it (the big mistake of abandoning me 1500 miles from home and emptying the joint account and humiliating me in front of my son and daughter in law), and he said he feels such sadness to know he has caused this wound in me. He asked me to write down all the hurts, to list them, so he can apologize for each and every one. He says he cannot remember them all, but he will make it right. This morning, he went to his work out, and he was very gentle with me .. Like he felt a lot of love. His doctor said he may need to increase his lithium, but its still too soon to tell. I still see hyper, abrupt , inappropriate volume etc with people (strangers in an elevator for example). But, not unkind. They see him as eccentric, I think. This morning, he was going to dress kind of odd for his workout, and then he asked me if it was odd? I told the truth, and he changed his clothes. Its strange, because its a fine line, not to be someone who has this say in his life, and at the same time to be supportive and honest. I do beleive he is in ahopeful stronger place. I love him so much, and my anger at him is slowly turning to my own sadness. Which is a sign of healing, I think. I am releasing the wall of mis-trust. Slowly. I explained that this is not something he can control, expect, or geton his terms. My hurts are a result of his actions, and he needs to contribute to the healing consistently. He needs to apologize and mean it. he needs to realize how serious this is, and that I have been traumatized by his actions. He seemed to really hear this. At least for now. Anyway .. I do feel a turn around. Recently, we started working out together, and this is a new thing. Something healthy we can share. We are also taking more time to be apart, and that is healthy too. He is not as hooked on being with me 24 / 7. I value this change, because I was really getting suffocated. I also have some issues (don't we all?). I have been on a very mild dose of an anti anxiety med for 10 years, but I am considering reducing that over time. Maybe. I would like to release the need for that medication, and see how I fare in the world without that. My doctor thinks I can do it slowly. I used to have profound panic attacks in my 40's .. and no sleep at all. I was always in a childhood memory. The therapy and meds worked it all out .. and that is why I hope to be free of the meds one day, too. I am very high funtioning, and so is my husband. Yes .. I would love to sit down and caht..not just about bi p, but about anything and life in general. Its great that we can post here, and trust me, it is so helpful to me. I do think your life has been a challenge, and I hear your strengths, too. Youare devoted. Your husband is lucky he got such a loving wife. I understand how it can all go 'south' , as they say. some of the fights would be grounds for divorce, and this is the hard part. Now that my son knows some of this, he is not interested in knowing my husband anymore. so, its a rock and a hard place for me. I will never compromise my relationship with my son..and his being 32 years old does not change the fact. But, I pray for healing for everyone. I know my son respects me 100%, and our relationship is strong. How do your kids feel about the relationship between you and their dad? Do they avoid you/him? Do they understand? This is the hardest part for me right now. What can I do to help my son move through his healing ver how mad he is/was and hurt for me? I hope you have a great day! It is pouring rain here in Vancouver BC. As usual.

I wrote you an update on this end but didnt go thru this site just sent to allmanmedia.com and it failed delivery repeatedly? Since I put alot of time & thought into the letter tried to cut & paste, save as file & attach...nothing. Too much going on now. If you want I could send it to an email address, but thats ok if you dont have a private one...allmanmedia.com didnt work & dont wanna type it all over again. hope all is well on your end. judy

Hi

Thanks for responding..even when it must be brief. I hope you are doing ok .. because I know when 'a lot is going on', it is not always good times. I am not sure what that site is you tried to post to?

I had a great conversation with my son last night .. He is really mature and seems to understand .. and willing to accept my husband .. not that it is ok with him that I got so hurt, but to understand as much as he can .. I feel blessed!

I really ope you are doing ok .. I am not sure how to give my email address here ..

take care

R