Make a connection, ask a question, share a concern, give advice or just chat. Our message boards connect you with a community of people who understand where you’re coming from and what you’re going through.
My wife of 14 years has beeen diagnosed with Rapid-cycling bipolar and general anxiety disorder within the last 2 months. She spent a week at the hospital after trying to commit suicide, drinking (self-medicating).
I am new to trying to understand all that is going on with her. And I'm having a really tough time. I have no friends, no family close by that can really be of any help. My church is very distant to me right now. I don't know where to go.
So, I've been reading a ton on how to cope with bipolar. It seems that everywhere I turn, I am faced with the fact that our relationship is over. The odds are against us, I've read the other posts on this board, and it seems to me that our chances of survival are very slim.
My wife does things that I don't understand. (Of course they all do, right?!) She always has. Being diagnosed with bipolar has answered a lot of questions about our past history, but I still don't understand............
So, after my wife went into the hospital, I found out that she had been writing/talking/chatting (whatever) to another man on the internet. (He is also bipolar or has some other Mental Illness, as he takes some of the same meds my wife is now on) Someone that she could confide in with her feelings and issues. Well I read her journal. They have never met. Yeah, I intruded into her personal life. I'm over it.
So in many of the journal entries she stated how much she hated me, how I didn't understand, that she couldn't talk to me, couldn't open up to me. This other man she felt at home with, could tell him anything, he helped her through all of this. In one of her jouranl entries she stated how much she loved him, was physically attracted to him, but felt guilty because she should love me and open up to me.
She still continues to write to him, though he has not responded to her for over a month. He quite writing to her in mid May. Apparently she told her therapist that I am abusive. Granted we have had many fights over the years as you can imagine, but I have never struck her, I have only resorted to grabbing her and pushing her away when she tries to hit me. So now she has these online peolpe (in messageboards and chatrooms, because thats all she does anymore) and her therapist that think I'm some abusive wife beating, jerk.
The point is she is making me out to be this horrible, controlling, person that I am not. Somehow the decisions in her life to get married have kids (BTW, I have 5 kids ranging in age from 6-12) are my fault and that I have trapped her.
She tells me, on the ther hand, that she loves me. She can't leave because she can't take care of herself. She knows that if we do split, she will be the one leaving. How can she take care of the kids when she can't take care of herself?
She puts the blame on me, or her mother, or her father, or her brother, or someone else when she's talking to somone, but when she talks to me, it's her fault. Everything is her fault, she can't keep it together, she can't do anything, she's worthless helpless. I could do so much better than her, I deserve someone so much better than her. Those are her words. I tell her that I love her, that she is a good mom, she just needs to sort some things out right now. What more can I tell her. I am supportive of her. I try to make her feel that she is useful, needed, loved, but she always shoots everything i say down.
So the big question is, do things get better, with time? Or am I just kidding myself that there is hope for us? Do we try marriage counciling? Do we give her meds more time? I have no trust in her right now, and she knows that. She knows that I know how she feels about this other imaginary man, she denies it. I told her that I read her jornal. She knows that I read her feelings for me (hatred) and him (love). She says there is nothing between them, he doesn't even write to her anymore, but she is still longing for him, that I know. I know she feels trapped, and there's nothing I can do.
I'm new at this, and just don't have the answers.
I do love my wife, with all my heart, and I hate to see her in her current state, she hates feeling the way she does too. I am scared to lose her, I'm afraid of being alone with 5 kids, though I know I can do it alone, I don't want to, as I have pretty much been doing the last few months. My question is if things will ever get any better. Or am I doomed to live a life full of distrust and wonder at the things she does if we try to stay together?
I want my wife back.............
This message has been edited. Last edited by: mmck,
I can only speak from my own experience (which you can read about on my other postings on this forum). I had many of the same experiences as you. I also have not had some of your experiences and you have not seen some of what I saw. I am male and 5 years out from a divorce from a bipolar female after 20 years of marriage. I heard many (but not all) of the same things from my bp that you have heard. Over time they got worse. Mine attempted suicide at least 3 times and did herself serious harm in one of them. She is no longer able to care for herself and is institutionaiized.
Unfortunately, from my experience things do not look good for your relationship with this person. It is unlikely that this person is the same as the person you loved and married. BP has changed her personality. It sounds like the relationship is likely over in her mind. you can't be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. You have put a lot of time into taking care of your wife. And it hasn't helped.
Its probably time for you to put time into making sure you are ok. Your kids need you. They deserve a parent focussed on them and you are their only hope. You, as a person, deserve someone who wants to be with you and who can appreciate the person you are and not accuse you of abuse or blame you for their problems.
Only you can decide what to do. My message to you is that based on what you have written, a person looking objectively at your words would probably tell you to give up on this relationship. You have done all you can. Move on and take care of yourself and your children.
