Bipolar Depression

My boyfriend was hospitalized a month ago for a manic episode and diagnosed with bipolar I. While he was in the hospital i thought when he came out things would never be the same, but he came home after a week on depakote and things went pretty much back to normal. We were together 2 years and never fought never had any issues. Things were going great as usual and then all of a sudden friday he just left me, said he felt differently, needed space ,needed to figure his life out. I read that people with BP engage in a lot of sexual activity and often cheat..I dont think that he did, and maybe this is just normal and he has had a change of heart about us, but I can't help but think that it is a consequence of the BP. Has anyone else ever experienced anything like this? A BPSO that just up and leaves out of the blue for no apparent reason, for no reason that makes any sense?

Sweetheart, this is perfectly normal behaviour and it's not talked about much in the symptoms. I am going to be getting a divorce from my BP1 Husband because he did exactly this to me 7 months ago. It's not your fault and there isn't much you can do to convince them otherwise. Whilst he was being assessed, the professional kept on telling me that the problem was all marital, well after being apart for 7 months, he is still ill... I have posted a lot on this website, please take a read but know this much, your exoerience is common and my heart goes out to you, but if they want to leave then let them, the ensuing heartache just isn't worth it. I know this may sound very matter of fact but it's taken me 7 months to realist this and tried everything to hold our marriage together. Your significant other will probably become really cruel as well, it's not their fault, it's the illness but it will destroy your self esteem in the meantime. Please take care of yourself and feel free to post again, I'm happy to provide the support that I've too received on this forum.

Alicia,

Yes this happened to me. I am male. Wife left suddenly over 4 years ago after 20 yrs marriage. I have other posts on these pages describing it. This is normal behavior for BP. As you will see in my other posts (and the posts of many others here), it seems unlikely that there is a future for a relationship with a BP that will have any semblance of "normal". I imagine there are a few that have worked things out. But they are very few and far between. It was a very painful several years and very expensive in dollars, court costs, emotional stress, etc. Also very painful to my children. My now exwife has alienated most or all of her friends, lost several very good jobs, alienated her children, and yet still believes when she is manic is the time when she is best. These periods alienate everyone around her. Even when they tell her directly that she needs help, she does not believe them. She does not stay on her prescribed medications and does not seek help from her doctors in times of need. She is barely able to function in life most of the time, is on permanent disability and yet has the legal and medical right to decide on her own treatment - which she is incapable of doing successfully. Unless you are a glutton for punishment, find a new life and love, Alicia. Painful for a while. But a few years down the line you will be very glad you did.

Bev,I so agree with you. These symptoms of bp are never written about,and I do not understand why.These are at least as important as the physical ones.Maybe more, since these are more noticable by ones who are closest to the one with bp.I have stated this before, that this is the type or info I would like to read up on.But as of yet I have not had anyone say they had ever come across such.Maybe all bpso's should get togather and compile such info and write a book. I am sure we could make a fortune.I am just joking of course, but it actually is not a bad idea. Blaire

Hello Bev,

I read your post, and I agree with almost everything you had to say, although it is a hard pill for me to swallow to think that you all believe it is not possible to have a "normal" marriage to a person with bipolar. Does that mean that those of us who do have bipolar are doomed to never have a decent relationship with someone or, worse, that we don't deserve to even try to have a "normal" relationship? I say normal in quotes because I don't know of anyone who has a normal marital relationship. All marriages have their own degrees of "craziness" and I think you would be hard-pressed to find a married couple who doesn't have something "strange" going on in their marriage.

I suppose that means that, I, at the age of 51 (widowed) should just sit back and never pursue a dream of getting married or having some kind of significant relationship with another human being. I certainly do not want to be responsible for anyone's pain and suffering.

Oh, and that brings me to my next area of concern with regard to what you said. It was something to the effect of, "these bipolar people do all these awful things to people, but hey, it is not their fault; it is the illness' fault. When people say that, I get so angry!! As a person with bipolar, I AM responsible for my behaviors. My diagnosis is not a license to treat people badly or an excuse for bad behavior. The diagnosis and the person are not two separate entities. Those people who repeatedly say that "it is not their fault; it is the disorder's fault", just lend credence to the already negative and often fear-invoking perception of bipolar.

It leaves the impression that we are hopeless, helpless creatures who have no control over ourselves. There are a lot of things a person with bipolar can do to ensure that the manic times do not have to be so devastating to the family members involved. That is a whole other post, however, so suffice it to say that, I for one, do not buy into the notion that I have no control over my thoughts, actions and behaviors. I take responsibility for the things I do. Please do not make the diagnosis of bipolar appear to be worse than what is already perceived by the general public. We are not puppets, doomed to be jerked around by our "bipolar strings".

Kay

I can relate. My dissolution was Tuesday, October 9, 2007. 22 years of marriage over in ten minutes. My husband looked awful and acted like a total stranger. He hasn't been diagnosed with BP but it sure sounds like it from reading the other posts on here. The heartache is sometimes unbearable. I will never understand how you can love someone and they just walk out like that. One week your loved, the next week they want out. My husband for not being happy with me has lost 50 lbs in the first ten weeks and he looks horrible. I can tell you his happiness is killing him and I don't know how not to care. You see, I can't just turn my feelings off.

Depressionobsession,

You make excellent points. I will relate to you a case where I believe a bipolar person successfully had a relationship with another person for a long period. My late ex father-in-law was also BP (as it turned out so is his daughter that is my ex wife). His first marriage to my ex's mother lasted about 25 -30 years until she had enough of dealing with his depressions mood swings etc that we see described here. He did find another person late in life and was married to her for around 20 years before passing away. If he stayed on his proper medication & treatment, he was a totally nice person and had no problems. His problem was in deciding he did not need to be on his meds (also the problem of MANY BP's including my ex) His second wife somehow convinced him that she was trustworhty to monitor his meds and other treatments (he also periodically had electroshock when meds stopped working). She was a somewhat difficult and domineering person (as viewed by his family) but she kept him on his meds, kept him well cared for and safe. He was able to enjoy the relationship and was willing to trust her decisions. I don't have any idea how this realationship worked exactly, but it did and he had a very happy life for many years until he passed away in his 80's. This, my own experience, and the additional observation of a BP friend who trusts his family with his treatment, leads me to believe that BP's can indeed have excellent relationships and lives if they get the proper treatment. In order to get the proper treatment though, they need to be able to trust someone to make their treatment decisions for them; to tell them when theyneed to get treatment; to tell them when they are out of control and alienating people. If the BP can trust the other person in their relationship to help them with this and not feel that their SO is tryinng to control or manipulate them, then I think they have a very good chance at a good relationship. The problem in my experience is that so few BP's can trust their SO on this and instead blame the SO for all of their problems. I hope you can find this in your life, if you don;t already have it.

Karmen,

I know exactly how you feel. My ex wife's life has totally gone downward for nearly 5 years since she left. She has also lost much weight, seems like a totally different person. My kids see her when they think she is somehwat normal - but those periods are few and far between. She has lost several good jobs and is now on disability pension which is very small. Friends of my kids who work in stores report to my kids she still has spending sprees that are for way more than she receives in disability. It seems a matter of time before she is homeless or the responsibility for her financial care falls on my kids (ages 21 and 17). It took me nearly 4 years and a neew relationship to get over the feelings for her. And they are still there on occasion. But youhave to move on. Life is like that. My BP chose not to be with me. I would not have chosen a breakup - it was her choice. Once someone tells you they don;t want you part of their life, you have to start on a new life - whether they are BP or not. Rely on your friends. They will help you find the new life. YOu probably have many more than you know. I did.

Thanks that is what I'm trying to do. I really don't know (and I don't think he does either) why he is unhappy. The hardest part is loving someone and not knowing what happened or why. Wish there was a pill to forget them. He left six years ago and put me and the kids through two years of hell and the psychologist told me it was a midlife crisis. She didn't know everything. I'm trying to move forward because this whole mess has been crazy. I do have great friends (they know him too) and agree they don't recognize him either. Helps me feel like I'm not the only one seeing it. Some comfort there. He was such a wonderful person before, hard to believe how far he has fallen. I'm dating and trying to get my mind off of him. I wish you all the best and thank you. Helps to know others have been where I am.

Dear Depressionobsession, please be reassured that I don't think that you can never have a successful marriage with someone who is Bipolar, this is just my limited expererience that has led me to my own conclusion. As you will be aware Bipolar Disorder exists on a spectrum and my expereience with my husband included incidents of severe domestic violence and pyschotic behaviour by him that left me in fear of my life, having to go to Court in order to protect myself. I truly believe that everyone deserves happiness even people who have serious mental health problems. I agree that no marriage even in "normal" circumstances is problem-free and perfect, however the roller-coaster that this illness brings is terrifying and sometimes you have to get out. You obviously have insight into your condition and that's brilliant as you can try and manage it. A problem I have had and am sure a number of relatives on this forum have experieneced is that fact that a lot of BP sufferers cannot and will not accept they have the condition in the first place and this is why I can say that it's the fault of the illness and not the person themselves. My husband was once timid, shy, kind and loving. The illness turned him into a monster! He still blames me for everything even after 7 months apart. When we were together I was his full-time carer, I did everything apart from wipe his bum!! Did I need this on top of a full-time job and normal chores. I forgot who I was, I was petrified of upsetting him and did everything to avoid him getting upset. WHY????? I loved him and wanted our marriage to work despite everything. Am I evil for saying enough is enough? No, I had to save myself in the end.

Blaire, you joke about that book, but it is something that I am seriously considering doing, as when I was going through my own nightmare, I wanted to know that what I was experiencing was normal and common. Symptoms don't list domestic violence, control, running away from you, asking for divorce, blaming you etc etc, the list is endless and I could go on for ages. Let me know if you want to help out!! :-)

A general word to all, get out there and get yourselves a new life if you're suffering, sticking around just isn't worth it. People I had lost touch with have come back to support me so if anything good has come out of this then it's the fact that I've found out who my friends are and that I'm finally being able to fulfill my political ambitions as this expereince has left me very strong and facing some men in a politcal debate is like a walk in the park compared to what all of us have put up with, with our BPSOs!! Good luck and be happy all.

Dear Bev, I hope you are serious about the book.I think you are just the person who could do it. If you can think of a way I could help I would love to give it a try. Even if I am no help, I will be the first one to buy a copy. I can think of nothing more needed by the bp community. It could be a great help to bp's in recognizing their actions and what they could mean before they go beyond the point of no return. And for the loved ones in a bp's life it can mean the difference between understanding why your life is fallilg apart ,and Not knowing what is happening and wondering if your somehow to blame or perhaps going crazy.We have all felt the helpless bewilderment, and struggled with how to explain what is happening to our children and more important,why.This kind of inlightment would be a God send to anyone who has came into this nightmare blind and totally unprepared. So you do it for all of us.Just tell us how to help.Your Friend,Blaire

Hi Bev!

I wanted to tell you that I respect and admire what you did. NO ONE should have to stick around and tolerate violence and abuse. I was married to a person with bipolar and, over time, his behaviors became increasingly abusive. My choice, at the time, was to get a separate apartment and remain married, but live apart. I think I have already told you, in another post, that my husband died from COPD, complicated with psychotic mania. After being discharged from the hospital with strict instructions to take oxygen, he was like a two year old child trying to read a book on existentialism. He could not or would not do it. He suffocated in his own apartment, from lack of oxygen. The hospital was irresponsible in allowing him to be discharged back into the community. He should have been admitted to a psych ward.

My point is that I recognize different people have varying degrees of bipolar. Yours and my husband had it in it worst extreme. You were absolutely right to get out and get on with your life. I would have divorced my husband, had he not died. I was stuck in a marriage with no intimacy, yet I felt guilty if I met someone else that I was attracted to. My husband expected me to remain faithful, even though we did not live together and had NO sex life and no intimacy.

I just like to hold out hope that perhaps, one day, I will meet a nice man with whom I can share an intimate, loving and somewhat stable life together. I would hope that he would not shy away from me simply because I have bipolar disorder. I am still young enough to want a man in my life, and I am hopeful that one day, I will have this in my life. I am SO sorry for the awfulness that you experienced at the hands of your bipolar husband. No one should have to go through what you did, bipolar or not.

I wish you the best of fortune in your new relationships. One good thing that has come of all this, is that you definitely know what you DON'T want in a relationship.

Warm, peaceful thoughts and big hugs to you,

Kay