Bipolar Depression

I've been reading these boards for the past few weeks. The things that everyone has been saying has been very helpful. However, in most of the postings that I have read, the bpso is the one who vanished from the relationship. Does anyone here have any ideas on how to get the bpso to move on once you (the non-bpso) has decided to end the relationship?

Hi Givenup,

I admire your courage and strength to do what you are doing. Obviously I don't know the answer to your question (mine left me before I could even reach that decision on my own--lol). However, I came across something on another support forum that I thought I'd pass along.

I don't know if this is appropriate to reference or provide a link to another forum (if it's against the rules, I'm sorry. ) but I found it very interesting and quite telling. The person who posted this is a moderator on the forum who has bipolar. I'm not a member of that site but I often read the posts and I find his most enlightening. Anyway, this is what he said recently from the "bipolar perspective":

"What would have happened had you NOT reacted--had you restrained yourself through listening, symbolic agreement, and passive responses to your therapist?

"The greatest trigger for my anger comes from someone's null response--someone's silent, cool, disinterested, and well-controlled refusal to react to me."

The forum link is: http://www.mdjunction.com/forums/bipolar-support-forums...-therapists-approach


In my own experience, the few times my ex would "disppear", I would always persue him asking what happened, did I say something to make you angry, please talk to me, etc. Eventually he would always respond, although the response time would be longer and longer each time it happened. The very last time it happened, I tried to reach out to him three times in the course of one week. With no response, I stopped. Not knowing what I was dealing with at the time (bipolar), I figured he had simply lost interest in me and or met somebody new and was too cowardly to admit it, whatever, but I thought I'm not going to humiliate myself anymore. So I reactivated my profile on the dating site where I initially met him. I'm convinced that he was again "testing me" (as he had done before) and this time saw that I wasn't interested in playing that game anymore, and when he saw that mine was reactivated, that's when he started again in full swing on the dating sites as well. He never tried to get back in touch with me after that.

I'm not suggesting that you want to trigger an "angry" response in your ex, but that maybe if getting a response is part of the motivation for their behavior, then if their actions elicit no response at all, maybe then they will move on. Just a thought...

adding to mystifieds wondeful answer,i'm not sure it is possible to leave a BP.in my own case,2 times i said i was leaving ended up with an attempted suicide and a trip to jail and mental facility.so the idea of leaving came with harsh reactions.at this pont i dont want to leave.to much time and energy invested to just walk away.how ever if i was to desire this i would have to use the "plan" of the other post.you can leave BP's they have to leave you.i know that if she feels unloved or neglected she will turn to another.question is would she leave or back out at the last moment.the first time she did this the other guy bailed when i made it serious for him..this most recent incident i 'm not sure what ended it.either way its an event i never want to relive.

i think in your case you've already made the move.forgive me for not follwing all of your posts. so if your asking how to make him move on then i would have to say aviodance.if thats possible.no contact at all if possible.ofcourse of that happenes after you move out.not sure what stage your at right now.

ok, i found more of your posts.you have already separated.but i take it he doesn't get it.your in a case like me where a kid is involved so the no contact or avoidance really isn't possible.for you my advise would be to stay strong and not give in to his manipulation.you made it his far,yea you!

Hi G,

Not that I am any great expert with BP, but I do agree with what Mystified said. Having a blase manner and not reacting is the best way that I've found to deal with irrational people. For example, when my dysfunctional mother starts crying and hitting me blow the belt to get her own way (usually it's about some sugary food she's not supposed to have as a type II diabetic), I just ignore her - literally - I turn my back and resume what I am doing - or I threaten to leave if she continues. I used to get all upset along with her and then it would escalate into my worst nightmare.

It sounds like you are attempting to break the cycle of co-dependence, which is a difficult feat, even without having a child in the mix. Perhaps if you take on a "businesslike" demeanor, it may be helpful - pretend he's a client that you don't necessary like to deal with, but have to. (Works with me for my mother! LOL) What I mean by this is as follows: Keep the conversation about the task at hand. Don't allow him to joke, charm or cajole you. Don't give up personal details such as what you've been up to lately, etc. And, don't ask him for any either. It's gonna be tough to do, as from what I have read, these BP people will use any talent they may have at their disposal to manipulate you.

BTW, thank you, G, for all of your advice and good wishes. I am doing a bit better (got into the shower and ran errands all day!) and hope that you are doing better too.

And, to Mystified - you GO girl! You're really a wonderful source of information that I really need right now. I am sending out thank-you's to the universe for having directed me to this board. All of you have been so supportive and I'm relieved to have people to talk to who "get" it, when my friends don't.

Rob - It sounds as your ex-wife had a severe case of BP (what with the suicides and jail and hospitals and the like). You have actual evidence of her condition and it is conclusive. While your life with this woman was unfortunate and damaging, you did what you had to do and can have a clear conscience about it. I hope you have some serenity in your an your children's lives now.

Happy new year to all! CC

This message has been edited. Last edited by: chattycathy,

Hi CC:

Thanks for your words of encouragement, and right back atcha! I feel the same way you do about all the wonderful insight and information I've gained from these boards, and I'm soooo grateful that I found it when I did.

I'm a firm believer that that "universe" (God, higher power, spirit -- whatever your personal belief might be) directs us and guides us to find the answers or help we need. It's just up to us to be open and receptive by paying attention and "listening".

What's that old song by the Rolling Stones?
"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you just might find you get what you need." This is my new theme song.

At first, I wanted nothing more than for him to come back. Now I see how much it would have turned my world upside down if he had. So I didn't get what I initially wanted, but I definitely got what I needed!

I'm so happy to hear you're feeling better. It takes time and baby steps but you're getting there. Keep it up!

Best to all for the new year!

Thanks Mystified, Rob, and Chatty to responding. So Mystified and Rob my understanding is that you both think that not responding and avoidance is the best solution?? I've been doing that even though we have a child together. He's even tried using our kid to stay in contact with me but when I tell him he's not welcome to come to my house and that he can only see our kid on MY terms then his attention goes back to me. And I was keeping the phones turned off for months hoping by the time I turned the ringers back on he would move on, and find his next victim. Now not only does he keep calling but he has now started texting me and I decided as of today that I won't be reading his texts anymore. Because he has not stopped contacting me or my family I'm wondering if maybe me ignoring him is triggering him to try harder. I mean he has contacted me and especially my family more over the past few months than he has ever done before. Overall I'm a lot happier because I left the relationship. Our son and I are more at peace also. The biggest problem I'm having is still getting angry with him. I've told him that the abuse, control, and relationship is OVER and he needs to move on. However, its just frustrating that someone who has treated me so poorly in the past still thinks that he has the right to be apart of my life. Its as if he thinks he's entitled or something. Now that I can look at things with a clearer view I realize that he has more problems now after over a decade of me doing all I could to help him and being walked over in the process than he did when I first met him...or maybe he just feels more comfortable with showing me. Either way I'm just glad to be out of that hell I was in. Also I was wondering if someone thought that a restraining order might make him realize that the harassing calls and texts are inappropriate? Are people with bp able to understand and respect a restraining order?

chances are a restrianing order wont change his thought process,but if you feel in danger then yes ..GET ONE.if you re read your last post i think you can answer your own guestion about why can't he see its over.has he ever been able to see whats going on?if he could you'd probably still be with him.
it sounds like its a last act of despiration on his part.for what was it 10 years he was able to control the situation,now he cant.its new territory for him.he doesn't know what to do.i think BP"s are kinda stuck in addolesent years,so they dont really have that adult thought process.think back to your younger years.when a boyfriend broke up with you what did you do,most will pout and make every effort to get them back.as adults now we may still pout but we also are able to move on.or see the light.
i think i got a little of but hopefuly you got what i was saying.

i guess if avoidance isn't working,than maybe more hatefull will work.maybe your acidently sending signals that he perseives as hope.

Thanks for responding Rob and trying to help shed light on my situation. You stated that maybe I am sending mixed messages which I am not sure what you meant. Do you think that silence could possibly make him think there is hope?? I'm not sure if he is manic or in a mixed state all I know is I wish that he would move on. Oh and guess he woke up this morning and decided that he needed to start trying to bad mouth me. He contacted my family and told them that I was behind on XYZ bills and he didn't know what my problem was. He told them that if they talk to me to tell me that if I can't pay the bills send them to him and he will pay them. What in the world he is talking about i have no clue. He had also called and texted me but I didn't respond. It made me really furious that he can initiate calls with my family and lie to them. My relatives stated that they don't want to be in the middle and if I want them to stop taking their calls then they would. They said they couldn't understand why he would contact them to coninuously lie. I'm not behind on any of my bills. Although they said that I didn't have to prove it I called the automated sevice of all the bills he claimed I didn't pay and it confirmed that no bills are due until then of January. I really don't understand him....or is it possible that there is no understanding him? He even told them that I never want to go to our hometown, but that he will make plans to see them this summer. That's a bunch of bologne. Everytime I have wanted to go home he has made up all kinds of excuses why we couldn't. When we would go for emergency's he would try to rush me to leave. I almost got angry enough to call him out on his lies, but then I decided to just pull back and decided to continue to ignore him. Does anyone have any idea how long you have to ignore them so that they will move on? Is there any other advice someone can give on helping me get him to move on?