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Hi, first let me say YES try meds and YES Therapy! Having said that... It is important to make your relationship work. Marriage is difficult as it is and harder when there is any illness involved. The fact that your boyfriend is willing to see you through all of this makes you correct you don't want to lose him it is important for a companion to try to learn EVERYTHING there is to know about Bipolar and to be supportive when you do have bad days. No matter how long you study it, it is still hard to understand for the person that has bipolar and the spouse. Therapy will help you with coping skills, and the meds will help you maintain control. First it is important to find a psychiatrist & a therapist(perferably psychologist)you are comfortable with. Always remember YOU can FIRE them! and find the right one for YOU! Now, your brother, sometimes his zombie days may actually be part of the "depression" or the meds can sometimes make you tired especially when you first start them. But we have found for us that after a while we can determine when the doses may need to be adjusted through the day. Example: my husband takes 3- 75mg. Efexxor XR a day. We know he does better taking 2 in the morning and then 1 at night. The other way didn't work as well. The problem with the brain is it is so complex and everyone is affected differently by medications and bipolar is different for everyone. There are certain sympotoms obviously to diagnose bipolar but it still can vary from person to person. Also, the study of our brain is still so new that sometimes it becomes a guessing game with medications. Now that I have given you this information let me share my story with you. I have been with my husband for almost 13 years. He was diagnosed 1 1/2 years ago with bipolar. Before that I was diagnosed with clinical depression. We have 2 small children 2 & 3 at that time. I was only diagnosed 6 months before he was. Now, having given a little background my husband and I now know he was almost always in hypomania and we never really saw the depression. He worked alot of hours and was going constantly. He had an injury that put him down for 3 months and we were going to have to make a career change due to nerve damage in his arm. He had his "break" and he said he wasn't right something was really wrong and that he was planning to kill himself and had to be hospitalized. After a few months of trying meds we found he was bipolar. It was discovered because he was only on antidepressants which made him cycle like crazy. We have been on meds and it seems we are always making minor to major adjustments. With my husband the psychiatrist said, at this point it is a guessing game.(my husband is a very rapid cycler which there is less known about this type of bipolar). Now, you can imagine, a bipolar husband 2 small children and me with depression. (my husband has a severe anxiety disorder now as well, he has a hard time even leaving our home, that is when he really knew something was wrong.) Now, let me say this... Our marriage is the BEST IT HAS EVER BEEN. My husband is on a lot of meds. But he functions well for the most part despite his anxiety he is doing well . He has his manic times & his depression times. Now, you probably are aware of this but you boyfriend needs to remember that this is a life long illness, you will start to be able to manage your illness, it WILL most likely take time like I said we still make changes almost every month, and he will have to be understanding and sometimes let things go. If my husband decides he can invent something I say okay, yeah that is a good idea. And I leave it at that, it goes away and later he realizes he was kind of manic and thanks me for my understanding. Our marriage was not good for 11 years, he was so rude and unbearable at times. He asks why I stayed all these years, I really don't know. But now that we both are in counseling, I have from the moment we learned of his illness; studied, read, attend appts. with him, help with his medications and so forth our marriage is wonderful and we are progressing. I am thankful for the meds because once the racing thoughts actually stopped (and occassionally still happen) he can realize what is going on and it helps him better control his anger, his frustrations etc..I was one of those on the receiving end of what you have described, pulling me in and just loving me, and then literally pushing me away because he didn't want any kind of affection. That has also changed and I realize now that everything isn't my fault. Once you are managing yourself you would be amazed at how much control you really have. Support groups are also a great resource for you, and a family support group for your boyfriend. It is hard to be around family and friends who don't get your illness. My husband always says he is more comfortable having social connections with someone who "gets it" and for me as a spouse I need to be around others who understand my end and what I go through. It will be a large commiment on both your parts but it is so important for both of you to try like crazy to make it work. You have to do all you can to manage your illness and your husband to be needs to do all he can to understand it, be patient, and supportive. It is just like a diabetic, it can be managed but it will never be cured. I wish I could express how truely our relationship has changed now that he has been diagnosed and is receiving treatment. Your advantage is you know what you have. My husband and I had a lot of resentment built up and our marriage probably wouldn't have lasted much longer in the condition and downward spiral it was taking. Now, we are open with how we really feel, and when he says something hurtful I can actually say something without him getting mad or he actually realizes he has done something wrong And actually APOLOGIZES! Please do everything you can, if you don't like the side affect of a medication ask for a change, if you don't feel you are getting the help you need Find another Doctor! there are great ones out there REMEMBER YOU ARE IN CONTROL. A great website which gives your local support groups and is a great reference is NAMI they have classes to help you understand your illness as well as information on medications etc.. I hope it works out and I wish you all the best! Gina
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