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I'm here reading all the posts and I am flooded with tears. I am really trying to stay focused and tell myself I am not to blame, however I am not so sure. When I met my boyfriend he was a quiet, intelligent, loving man. He catered to my every need. For the first time in my life I felt loved, really loved. I could see the love in his eyes -like a puppy. It seemed I could do no wrong. In contrast, I was just coming out of a terrible relationship in which I was totally used. I was angry and hurt. My guard was up- looking to keep anyone from hurting me. I yell and scream when ever I feel threatened and I do not allow anyone to so much as rasie their voice to me. Also, I am very indepentant- I want to do as much for myself as I can - so when we got pregnant 6 months into our relationship I frankly told him that I was moving 6 states away to be near my family and I told him he could come but that I would be ok if he didn't. I know that this is when things really started to get bad. Of course he followed me - he loved me - really loved me - hind sight is a bitch sometimes. Anyway, my entire pregnancy when ever i got upset about anything, I told him to go back home. I never really meant it. It would have torn me to pieces, but I had to know he was with me for me not the baby we were expecting. Time passes, I give birth to the most wonderful gift God has ever given me. He is as far as I can tell perfect- still is to this day- very happy, smart and loving. Now, here we are a new family and suddenly, my boyfriend begins to lie. I get ragefull. How dare he lie to me. I call him every name in the book and constantly remind him of all his downfalls- I blame his family, his age, everything. Never once did I think maybe I might need some help for my anger and mistrust. He never complained. He did however, start hiding things from me to avoid my rage. Then the lies grew and it made me feel unloved and used and my rage grew. We were fighting constantly. This went on for 4 years. Then he was given a job oppurtunity that required him to move over 650miles away and rather than asking if I would go with him -he left. Not only did he leave, he left on mother's day which was also my birth day and the day my mother and uncle we undergoing liver transplant surg. I hated him for leaving then, how could he, I asked my self. Now I know it was for the best but I can't help thinking why couldn't we get the help we needed before. Anyway to wrap up this long life story, while he has been gone I have been able to identify that I have been depressed for along time and his behavior made it worse. I am now on meds and looking for some talk therapy. But my problem now is how do I tell him I am sorry and that I have changed and I see him for everything he is and I want to help him with his BP. However, he is unsure how he feels about me and I am too far away to be there for him and I am sure my presants makes things worse. Someone please give me some advise or is there anyone else out there that can identify?
Please please don't blame yourself for is happening to your boyfriend. Even if you weren't in his life he would have become ill. It's easy to take on the blame so that they might just love you some more. I've had problems of my own to deal with while I have been in my current relationship but I know that this hasn't caused my husband to become ill.
Please remember that anger and rage are normal emotions, whilst it's easy to say that we shouldn't react, it's perfectle normal. This illness is very cruel and I too used to lose it with my husband sometimes but that was after the constand abuse and walking on eggshells that I had to do. Your depression has not caused your boyfriend's BP, why should you apologize for anything? You are getting help, that's the most important thing. Has your boyfriend apologized to you for what he has done? Please don't become a doormat and an apologist for his illness and behaviour. I know I must sound harsh but I found myself going down this route and it nearly destroyed me.
The only way you can help your man is by continuing to put byourself first, that way you can be strong for not only your boyfriend when he crashes again. You can help him to maybe get better too. Your son deserves to live in a happy environment and only you can provide this at the moment. Do not drag your boyfriend banck right now as it will get even worsr than it already is. Stay strong and feel free to vent - it's natural!
