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Are there any positive stories out there? When love *did* prevail?
Can anyone out there say: If I could do it all over again -- knowing the ending would be the same -- I would still do it. I would still marry him. I would still bear his children. I would still love him.
I need clarity. Please give me some.
This message has been edited. Last edited by: Sophie747,
I had a similar instance with my boyfriend (who has recently disappeared) and the emails. Not that he was plagiarizing them, but that he was sending similar stuff to other women. I am also the suspicious type, but I found out almost by accident. He told me that they were just "fantasies" - that I was his "an-gel" and he really loved me, wanted me to move there, work with him in his business, join his religious congregation, etc. And, he had already started making plans to this end. He introduced me to everyone and put up huge pictures of me all over his apartment. My guy, too, lives miles away, but closer than yours. After two weeks there (he wanted me to look at houses with him for us to live in), I realized something was very wrong, but still loved him anyway. Then he decided to become a completely different person and told me he needed "space". Haven't heard from him since. That was almost a month ago and he just put his profile back on a dating site yesterday. He has never been formally diagnosed as bipolar, but told me he was once suspected of being hypomanic. I must have met him when he was in a hypomanic state. Mutual friends fixed us up, so I actually knew people who knew him. They had only known him for a few years, however.
Here is my advice to you: GO THERE!!! "Live" with him for a couple of weeks or as long as you can, before uprooting your entire life and marrying him. Snoop around a little. Get the lay of the land first. The suicide attempt is a VERY BAD SIGN!! You do not know this man. You have been living a LONG DISTANCE FAIRY TALE with him. You have NO CLUE what is really going on with him! I found out the hard way that things are not always as they seem. Plus, it sounds as if most of your relationship has been online, which is very different than real life.
If you can figure out how to read all of my posts, you may see similarities to your situation. Most of them are in the "friends & loved ones" section.
Posts: 146 | Location: u.s. | Registered: 11-17-2007
No, absolutely not. If I knew then what I know now, I would have never invested the time, money, emotion on that man. I'd be a hell of alot richer (spent thousands of dollars bailing him out of one drama or another), I wouldn't have the emotional or physical scars he caused me, and I wouldn't have caused so much pain for my daughter.
Jsmith is right - chances of a successful marriage/relationship with a BP is slim to none. We all think we can "save them" or "make them better". But we can't.
Sorry if I sound bitter, but I am. I'm in the process of preparing for court with my ex BP. I took care of him financially, emotionally, etc. for two years and now he says I owe him!! Blame game is what they do best!
Karen, it gets better once its over. I wish you good luck in court. I still don;t really think courts or lawyers have any conception of what BP is or how to deal with it. They tend to take the BP at their word. Once you dont have to deal with them (BP ex) anymore though it does get better.
I do wish I could more clearly separate the good times pre BP from the later BP times. Its all such a blur and gradual process. I have two wonderful children - nearly adult. I was married for 20 years. But no way would I live that hell again. I think I could probably find someone else who wasn't BP to fall in love with and to have wonderful children with.
Don't do it Sophie747. No matter how sentimental or loving you feel for this person. No matter how exciting he seems when manic. Knowing he is BP now vs 20 years into a marriage with some kids is a gift to you. You can avoid all the heartache for you and your potential children. You have the chance to miss out on a BP spouse. Take it. Leave now. Consider yourself the most lucky person on the planet - because you are. Missing out on a BP spouse is like missing out on a serious disease or a car accident. Your life will be better without them. Find someone else who is not BP!!!!!!!!
I am a person with bipolar who married a person with bipolar. My husband died two and a half years ago, due to COPD and psychotic bipolar.
I would marry my husband again, if I had the opportunity to do so. I have a beautiful, 16-year old son who is a product of both his father and myself. My son does not have any kind of mental illness. He is one of the most mature, well-grounded, intelligent, compassionate people I know. Without my deceased husband, I would never have had my son.
I do agree with much of what the others are telling you, however. If you think you are going to have a wonderful life, devoid of any problems, then you are misleading yourself. I stayed with my husband through many psychotic manic episodes, and it was awful. He never did cheat on me though. He was actually quite worried that I would be unfaithful to him.
His worst thing was starting fires. He also became very verbally abusive and somewhat physically abusive. One time, he spit on me.
Still, he was a wonderful husband and lover and I really think that my son got the best of his dad. When my husband was stable, he was the best of friends to me, and he instilled in his son some great values. He was a brilliant man, who could repair any kind of car and work on any kind of computer. Like I said, my husand did not cheat on me. He was completely faithful until the day he died.
My husband would get into trouble with the law, though. He would commit some kind of legal infraction and end up in jail. While in jail, they would give him his meds, and over time, he would "come back to normal".
You should know that for the last eight years we had together, my husband and I did not live together. I found that I could maintain my marriage AND my sanity, by living in a separate apartment from my husband. Together, we raised our son, and my son went to his dad's one night a week to spend the night with his dad.
One thing that was missing from our marriage was a sex life. When my husband got aggressive with me, he killed my ability to be intimate with him. Still, I was able to satisfy my own sexual needs by myself, and I can't really say that I missed sex that much.
So, you are the one who needs to decide what you want to do. Most of what you have read comes from very bitter women who have been hurt very deeply. I am not bitter, because I chose to live the life I did with my husband, the way I chose to live it. There were some very good times that I would not trade for all the tea in China. My husband and I were soul mates and when things were good, they were very good. Of course, when they were bad, they were very bad. I just don't believe that the bad marriages you have been reading about are specific only to people with bipolar. I think any "normal" guy can have just as many problems as a guy with bipolar. The big difference is that you know your husband has bipolar. You can choose whether or not to accept this man, in spite of his disability. At least you know, up front, that he has a problem. With any "normal" guy, he could have any number of problems, but you just don't know about them ahead of time.
I do have one word of caution for you. If you only know this guy based on internet communication, I would be very leary of getting involved with him. I would make sure I got to know him in person and spent some time with him before you make any kind of decision. Just know that if you do enter into a relationship with a bipolar man, you are in for a very wild ride at times. Some of it will be very good and some of it will be very bad. Are you ready to commit to someone, knowing this?
I wish I could be objective about this... But love is making everything blurry... I guess some people have to learn stuff the hard way... I don't know... Anyway, he is coming home for Christmas... And I guess we'll see what happens...
I wouldn't do it again if I knew then what I know now about Bipolar disorder. I am grateful for my children, love them, and wouldn't change that but the pain we all went through was brutalizing. The worst thing about BP is that it gets worse as the years go by with longer and more extreme trips into mania and depression. To watch the beautiful, vibrant young woman I married evolve into a complete train wreck ripped out my heart and just about killed me - literally. It was agony.
I am "ok" now - 5 years divorced after a 20 year marriage - but some days the sense of loss and anger is overwhelming. Read depressionobsessions post above for a pretty accurate description of what you are in for - although she wrote in support of giving a BP relationship a chance it was horrifying to read what she was willing to put up with.
If you think you are prepared to be screamed at, berated, spit on, physically abused, bullied, manipulated, have a sex life that varies between years of not having one with occassional bursts of activity, cheated on, and having your psyche systematically dismantled by a lunatic in trade for occassional manic moments and even rarer "normal" ones, then you are fooling yourself to think you can handle it.
If you were my daughter, I would tackle you and do everything I could to talk you out of it. No sane person should have to go through that, or want to. You are already well on your journey through hell and sound like you are in either a reconciliation cycle or moving into codependence.
Run. Run fast and far away.
But thats just one man's opinion.
Good luck.
Greg
Posts: 28 | Location: New Jersey | Registered: 11-01-2007
Again, I completely agree with Greg. I know I already replied to this earlier, but wanted to add one more thing.
When my ex BP went into mania in '04 before being diagnosed, I was clueless as to what was going on. I knew he needed psychiatric help and I called a family friend who works as a charge nurse in a very large emergency room. When I told her what his symptoms were, she immediately diagnosed him as BP. The next thing she said I will never forget....."Run, don't walk, as fast as you can away from this man & this disorder. You can get him help right now, but do not stay with him. You are in for a lifetime of pain & misery." Sorry to say that I didn't listen and rode the roller coaster for another three years.
He's already preying on his next victim - and she's falling hook, line and sinker. Wish I could warn her, but she probably wouldn't listen.
This is off-topic a little, but I was wondering what happened with that Ivy league educated BP II guy you were dating several months ago. He sounds a lot like my guy who recently disappeared and I'm just curious. This disease seems to be a lot more prevalent than I would have thought! Are you still seeing him? Have you seen any weird symptoms?
Posts: 146 | Location: u.s. | Registered: 11-17-2007
We still see each other periodically - a few times a month and talk on the phone several times during the week. We live far apart so this is about all we can do. No symptoms at all and from what I've seen he's very good about meds, not drinking, no drugs. Works alot, too.
Believe me, I continue to read and post here and will never let what happened to me before happen again. This forum keeps my memories fresh. I was codependent, an enabler, and my self esteem was gone. I am never going there again.
I've been able to talk openly with him about my horrible experiences with BP. He understands that I'm very scarred from all of it, and may never heal completely from the experience. With that said, I'm not expecting alot with our distance and all. When we get together, it's always enjoyable and I'm always treated so well.
I appreciate your question since it contradicts my earlier posts about never doing it again. Last time, however, I didn't know what BP was until I was already very involved. I, like so many others, thought I was going to "save" him. I know alot more now, and am not going there ever again.
Thanks Karen. So, then he's not giving you the "mad rush" to come out and live with him like mine did? And, he's not acting overly romantic or anything? I wasn't expecting anything from my guy either, as he lived in another state and all. But, he was expecting a lot from me and came on like gangbusters only to completely disappear with no explanation once it became too real for him. Plus, he was never really diagnosed, yet had all the symptoms. It sounds like when these guys are properly medicated, they can be lovely partners.
Posts: 146 | Location: u.s. | Registered: 11-17-2007
No, no pressure to move there, etc. Remember, I have a daughter and am totally committed to her and her well-being. That is first and foremost.
He knows all that I've been through, and continue to go through, with the ex BP. We still own our home together, although he moved out at the beginning of the year. (Ran away I should say.) With our courts here, it will likely take 14 months to resolve the whole thing. In the meantime, I'm focusing on my daughter, my job, and myself. These things were lost in the tornado of my ex's BP craziness. My new guy is very respectful of my space, my alone time, etc. I think he respects my independence and actually finds that an attractive aspect of me. My ex found that very threatening in one sense, although he enjoyed being taken care of all the time.
I spend time with my friends - something I wasn't able to do much of before. My ex manipulated my time something awful. But when he wanted his free time to be with his friends, that was okay. Thank goodness for my friends. They stood by me through this horrible ordeal, and have been there for me no matter what.
One thing I learned from my ex BP is this....he would reel me in with loving gestures, cards, phone calls, etc. Once he knew he had me hooked, BAM, he would do and say some pretty nasty things. Once we split, and time passed, he would make contact with me. At first I would foolishly respond to whatever he said or did. That would tell him that he still "had me" and he would drop and run all over again. It's like he needed to know that I was still there just in case he needed or wanted me. My ex and I were together 5 yrs, but knew each other for 3 yrs. prior to being a couple.
I know others have said this to you, but be grateful that you didn't invest more time, enery, emotion or money. You were lucky to find out early - unlike me and others on this site. I know you've taken it hard, but he actually did you a favor. I hope you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back on your feet soon. Life is too short - there's alot to see and do!
Thanks for the update, especially the part about your ex "reeled" you in. I am doing better - not crying all day anymore - even went to a party Saturday night.
I know it was a good thing that I found out early that my guy wasn't as he represented himself to be, but my heart is still heavy. Even if he came back (which some think he will), it can never be the same. I can never trust him again after he did this to me - he just dumped me unceremoniously with no discussion or explanation - after calling me his "angel", saying he'd "never let me fall" and introducing me to everyone in his life (and meeting everyone in mine!). I was just "cut out" - thrown away like a piece of trash.
I wouldn't do this to a dog, although many people do - they just dump a dog at the pound because their life can't handle it. And, that's what I feel like - like a dog who has been left at the pound to be put to sleep.
If I had known what I was dealing with, I would have spoken to him differently - I wouldn't have been so confrontational - so blunt. Too late now. He threw away someone who was perfect for him. He even needs me for his business and to manage his finances and he knows it. I guess that's why this is such a shock to me. My best friend thinks he should have "clung to me like a life raft". He had tried internet dating for a couple of months and had gotten set up on dates by friends before meeting me and had NO luck (which I don't understand - he's George Clooney gorgeous and very charming - maybe he wasn't manic when he was "looking" - or maybe he didn't like the women). Everybody in our age group usually has lots of baggage - I have none - I was supposed to be moving there in a few weeks. Maybe he wants someone with a disorganized disaster of a life to match his - then they can live in chaos together. LOL
I'm the one who should've dumped HIM - I'm the one who was lied to. I was always truthful to him, even when the truth wasn't so flattering to me. I laid myself bare because I thought he was serious and wanted him to know who he was going to be proposing to. It's the only fair thing to do and I live by the "golden rule". I told him my deepest, darkest secrets because he had convinced me that he was my soulmate. I feel like I've been raped emotionally and then cast aside. And, I still constantly vacillate back and forth over how I feel about what has happened. I just wish he would have been honest with me - I would still have loved him and maybe this entire chain of events could have been prevented. I don't understand why, after hearing about my issues, he couldn't have confided his in me. Although he tell me that he's on heavy meds for OCD, so maybe he doesn't know he's BP. I really believe that in his mind, I'm some sort of devil now and, by not talking to me at all, he is somehow keeping himself "safe" from me. This is all just so "Twilight Zone".
This message has been edited. Last edited by: chattycathy,
Posts: 146 | Location: u.s. | Registered: 11-17-2007
One thing that stands out in your last post is that you're hurting b/c he "dumped" you instead of the other way around. BP or not, being dumped always sucks, and we always wish we could have been the one to do it instead. We've all been there. But it really doesn't matter who dumped who, does it? In the end, we recover and move on. You will, too. Forget about the dog analogy - stop beating yourself up. If he truly is BP, and you were in a long-term relationship with him, you'd get used to being treated like a dog left at the pound. That's how many of us on here lost our self-esteem through our ordeal with BP sig. others.
My ex literally ran away and disappeared - vanished - for months before reappearing drunk & high on my (our) doorstep at 3 a.m. It's possible that this guy will reappear someday, too. You'll need to really think about what you'll do if that happens. Again, I foolishly thought we were going to work it out, and there was alot of time, money and emotion invested at that point. He was manic for months, and there's no dealing with him like that. Venom poured from every pore of his body. I eventually loathed him, and more importantly, his disorder. Hopefully you've built up enough resentment for him that if he reappeared, you'd have the strength to shove him off. Won't that feel good? And knowing that it's the right thing to do makes it that much better!
Keep getting out there. That was the advice I was given earlier this year and it really is the right thing to do. Sure, it's hard b/c you're still wishing things were different, wishing he was there with you, etc. But time does make things better. Getting out and being with people who liked me and treated me with respect was a huge help. I also did some travelling last summer. Some advice given to me by another person on this forum. Do it - you'll thank yourself later.
Lastly, think about how much better you'd feel if he knew you bounced back and moved on after what he did? You never want him to think you were in this state. Put on a smile, as hard as it may be, and get out there!
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