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OK, this may be a rather sordid story but here goes. I have fallen deeply and madly in love with a wonderful soul... we both were/are married. We have both left our spouses in part because of our affair but within our relationship there were pleanty of other issues. We have jumped feet first into this new world. there have without been many up's and down's emotionally on both sides though certainly more on her side. There seemed to be this back and forth confusion. Guilt ridden thought and wanting to resolve issues that could never be resolved. Yesterday was another one of these issues and later I found out talking to her that she has been diagnosed with BP. (this opened up a new world of thoughts in me) I knew she had anxiety and that her father has BP. But this was new news.
More then anything I want to cultivate the relationship that we have. I am willing to give 150% without hesitation. I know it is not an easy road. I have been researching this disorder since she told me. She was wanting to end things yesterday because she does not want me to be in her world of crap. She does not want to see me go through what her mother has gone through all these years..what she has with her father. But I do. I want to try. I left with the thought that we were over. I stopped by to drop somehting off later in the eve and had my son. We stayed a short while and she was affectionate with me. She kissed me held me and gave me a securing look and let me know that she loved me. I left, went home and am now researching BP at my desk at work. What should I do? To me it sounded more like uncontrolable thoughts then rational. I really am lost with this. I love her and want to be a part of her life. Should I take her seriously and always cave in instances like the one yesterday or should I just give her space? Should I call her out on it?
You will hopefully get more responses from others who have a great deal more knowledge of and experience with bipolar, to help give you some more concrete feedback than I probably can. However, I’ll share the little that I know with you now.
First off, a question to help complete the picture: How long have you and your S/O been together? The reason I ask is because you said you just found out yesterday about her bipolar. I can certainly understand from the BP point of view that sharing this vital piece of information is not something they would do in the VERY early stages of meeting somebody. There is a stigma attached to it and it seems many of them are unwilling to admit it (even to themselves sometimes). However, as a relationship starts to move toward emotional/physical intimacy, my personal opinion is that it should be discussed. While having this disease does not define a person, it can greatly contribute to part of their overall “makeup”; this is especially true if it goes untreated. It affects their personality, their ability to think rationally, their decision-making abilities, their ability to cope with stressful situations—all things that are part of life and important aspects of any relationship. So, since you said you’ve “jumped head first” into this relationship and have left your respective spouses because of it (at least partly so), then it seems to me this is something that should have been discussed sooner. I’m not saying this to cast judgment, but rather to suggest that this is a red flag that she elected to withhold this information from you until now.
If you’ve already started researching bipolar, you may have already started to see some common characteristics of somebody with BP as expressed by their S/O’s, as well as some common characteristics among the S/O’s themselves. You mentioned this “back and forth confusion”. This seems to be a big one. Just about everybody that posts on these and other support boards, who has been involved with a BP (even for just a short period of time, like myself) will use this term. Simply put, their behavior is often utterly confusing to those of us who are not BP. Loving one minute, distant and detached the next; sweet and kind one minute, mean and spiteful the next; begging for you to never leave them one minute, and then disappearing from your life the next. These are all very common threads among these boards. How many times I’ve read “what happened to that sweet, loving man/woman I fell in love with? I wish that he/she would return and this evil person who has taken over would disappear.”
The disappearing act is another thing you’ll probably come across often as you read about bipolar. There are many beliefs about why the BP sufferer abandons the relationship and who knows if there is any one definitive answer. Some think it’s because during a manic phase in which they experience grandiose notions of themselves, they decide they can “do better”. Or because that during that phase, they have a very heightened need for pleasure-seeking activities (i.e. increased sex drive, gambling, spending money, or any reckless behavior) while lacking any thought to the consequences of their behavior. Or because they feel worthless and not deserving of somebody’s love and devotion; they don’t want to be a burden on anybody else or subject anybody else to their “world of crap” as you mentioned. So many people here have gone through the “rollercoaster” (another term you’ll see often) of having their BP S/O leave, and then come crawling back when they start to crash; leave again in the throes of mania, and return once again when it subsides. Back and forth, over and over. What’s interesting is that it seems they (the BPs) recognize and accept their S/O’s love and devotion when it suits them, but will not hesitate to dismiss that love and devotion as being controlling or stifling, or will even question the validity of the other’s love in the first place, when they feel they no longer need it.
Finally, the last common trait you may discover in your reading is deception. While this may not be an absolute characteristic, I’ve read it (and experienced it myself with my ex) enough to believe that it’s quite common. For whatever reason, they feel the need to lie or distort/embellish facts, whether it’s to cover up something they’ve done for which they are embarrassed or ashamed, or just to paint a prettier picture of themselves as a means to impress others. Some of the lies can be ridiculously small or trivial, and others can be whoppers.
I don’t mean to paint a grim picture of the situation, but thought it was important if you’re serious about entering into a long-term relationship or marriage with this person. You said that you are willing to give 150% of yourself to make it work, and it seems from all that you will read about it, that’s what it’s going to take. However, don’t go into it with the expectation that you will get that much back in return from her. Chances are very good that you won’t even get half of that back in return unless your S/O is willing to seek treatment and stay compliant with her treatment.
Good luck, and keep doing the research. There is a wealth of information out there and lots of different support boards like this where you can get a better appreciation for what to expect from others who have lived with it for many years.
hi there, you stated "that you both of you were/are married".is it safe to assume that one is still and one is not.if that is the case the i would have to guess that she is the one still married.being cheated on twice ,i'm not going to lecture you on what affairs do to the spouce,i will however caution you that a few years down the road you may be the one cheated on.you both started a relationship based on lies.that alone is so much fuel for her BP.if it was ok this time then it wil be ok again.it is also possible that she is having second thoughts about ending her own marraige.
i feel its safe to say that you may be part of a manic episode and not even aware of it.it happens to alot of us.just as the guys that my wife got involved with were part of her episode.ofcourse i have no sorrow for them.they knew better.but at the same time i understand how persueding she can be.just as your can be.
i wont say run or give up,i wil say if you must enter then do it with caution.dont fall" deeply and madly" in love just yet.if you are just part of her episode you will find out soon enough.
Mystified and Rob I think both of you did a wonderful job explaining how bps think and act. Mystified you are lucky to have so much clarity and knowledge about this topic. I know for me, if I would have known all this stuff about my husband I would have never married him. We've done all the back and forth stuff for over a decade only later for me to find out that even when he is crying and begging me to stay he is still being deceitful behind my back. The thing about them feeling grandiose and leaving thinking they can do better is another aspect. And also the accepting of their SO's love and support when it is convenient for them is another. For many many many years I thought it was bad upbringing and pure selfishness. I never knew there was a name to put to this disorder but when I first heard about bp I knew that my husband had it coupled with borderline personality disorder. Also in my opinion, people with bp like to play cat and mouse. When you are there for them they treat you like crap, but when you are fed up and leaving them they go to drastic measures to get you back. If you take them back they treat you like crap again and when you try to leave they go to drastic measures to get you back. The longer you stay the less good you see in them and the more evil you see. If you stay as long as I had stayed it becomes very obvious that they are outright manipulative though they think they are fooling you.
Rob made a very good point (and I'm sure not one you may want to hear or acknowledge) that if she was married when you met her, you could very well be a manic "fling" (a term I've seen more than once when researching bipolar). I'm quite certain that this was the case for me, although I was lead to believe otherwise. Rob said they can be very persuasive, and I can personally attest to that. Although I have no evidence to support that mine was in any type of existing relationship when I met him (I had been at his house several times, but it was one that he was renting) at this point, I'm going on the assumption that anything is possible and nothing would surprise me.
Thinking that you have been "duped" by somebody you thought you were so in love with (and who loved you back so greatly) is extremely tough to swallow. But unfortunately, that's one of the sad realities of this disease. You just don't know what to believe.
The two things that I have taken away from my experience with somebody who has bipolar (although I didn't know it at the time) is that 1) The only thing predictable about the relationship is that it will always be unpredictable and 2) the only thing consistent with their behavior is inconsistency. In my case, I noticed a very strong disparity between his actions and his words...(fortunately in a very short period of time). I, too, fell in love with "a beautiful soul" as you described yours, only to soon discover somebody else that was completely unrecognizable from the person I first met.
Bottom line, don't be willing to dismiss any bad behavior as "okay" because of their illness. There are plenty of people who have bipolar who take responsibility for themselves and their actions because they are willing to make that extra effort to comply with their medication and therapy. And then there are those who perhaps find it easier to use their disease as a crutch and an excuse to do things that would otherwise be inexcusable.
As part of your research spend some time on this forum reading all the posts.The horror stories from non BP SO's on this forum will seem unbelievable. You will find amazing consistency in them. It may in fact look to you like they were all written by the same person. But they weren't. If you can remain at all objective, you will likely come to realize that 150% won;t be enough. Nor will 200% nor 1000%. You are in a very bad spot. You will be very lucky if your new BP SO does leave you. If you wind up staying in this relationship, you will have a very sad life.
Try to read the posts on this forum without the fog of your intoxication with your new BP love clouding your judgement. Suspend it for the time you are reading these posts and try to imagine what life will be like experinecing the BP rollercoaster.
Mystified, rob, and givenup have all been very kind to you in their responses. Not telling you directly to get out now but cautioning you to be careful. They have been through the wringer with a BP SO. I have also been there. 25 years of relationship including 20 years marriage, 4.5 years divorced from a BP SO. Read my other posts to see the story. I will be a little more direct than the other responders have been.
I am going to try and tackle each question that was asked and give some more insight that I have just recently found out and maybe it will help sehd some more light on my current situation.
Technically we are both still married. Her divorce will be final in less then 2 weeks and I will not file until after my sons birthday in just a few short days. I am the one still mostly connected and she has made her move forward.
We have worked together for nearly 3 years though our relationship has been evolving since late July. She filed for divorce 1 day after her one year anniversary. Even before getting married she knew she was marring someone that she should not be but at that time there was a lot of other things going on in her life and felt pressured to do so. Approx. 2 months after she was married she had afull blown nervous breakdown and was off work for 6 weeks. admited to a psych unit and put on meds... this leads me to somehting I just found out last night.
Contrary to what I said originally, she does not have BP, she was classified by her uncle, who is a psycologist, with cyclothemia. From what I have read it is a mild form of BP. Though chances are she would develope BP over time considering her father has it, she probably will in time, have it has well.
Her issues have all started this past year. She told me that she was diagnosed with ADHD as a child and said from her research it is common to diag ADHD in children when it should be BP or similar. Either way, it was not until recently that she has fallen into her first cycle... I am guessing that, like her father, this will be the time of year she cycles. It falls into line with her breakdown and all that happened before her breakdown after mirriage.
So far she has not been to bad with the push and pull. She has had a lot of rational thoughts and her push is that I should leave because she will always be trying to live up to the life that I am. The person I am. That she is never going to be mentally strong like me and that she can't live a life of constantly putting herself with an expectation. We have talked and been rather open about everything, thogouh I expect nothing from her at this point except a roller coster so I have been keeping my distance from her phsycally.
I have read many of the post here and read some seriously horrifing story and I think only one that was "good". I am not walking into this blindly. I know my chances are grimm and that life will be hell. Maybe I am a glutton for punishment, who knows. But I am not asking if I should stay or go. I am staying, givien the chance. I am going to give it my all and if I am not one of the 5% that can make it work, then, well I guess, I will move forward with a wealth of knowledge and will have gained wisdom and strength from going through such a trying and troublsome life.
I am asking for advice on how to deal with and handle this disorder. I want to walk into this life fully equipped with guns blazing and going down with a fight. I will continue to be a part of this message board at the advice of everyone and the pure idea that support is nice. I am sure you will see continued post from me for a short while wanting the knowledge of both sides of the table.
Again, Thank you all for your advice, support and wisdom. Maybe one day I will be able to offer this group somehting back!
