Bipolar Depression

I've been going out with my girlfriend for six months. She was upfront with me from the start that she suffers from manic depression. She's on Lithium and another drug daily and annually sees a psych to make sure everything is in check.

Recently though she's moved into her own place and this seems to have brought on more depressive episodes. Recently she has been extremely caught up on my past relationship - I was going out with a girl long term, we broke up and then I met her. What she can't get over is how I 'got over' this past relationship so quickly - I told her that I didn't - that I grieved and cried and hurt. She can't seem to accept this though - it's like her brain is 'stuck'.

Last night we were talking about it again and she started shaking, wanted to throw a glass at the wall and she kept saying 'it's in my head, it's in my head'. She believes me - but it's like her mind won't let her 'believe' it.

I had never seen one of these 'psychotic episodes' - as she called it - but I was supportive and comforting but I could see she was in a LOT of mental pain.

Then at the end of our long discussion she asked if we could 'just be friends for a while'? At first I was shocked but soon pulled myself together.

She said she needs to go into her own world for a bit, hibernate and get her thoughts together. She said she doesn't like partners seeing
her in this state - and she just wants a bit of 'space' to work these thoughts through. She also said she can't handle the 'expectation' to
work this out straight away.

So I've agreed to give her 'time' - she still wants to remain friends and hang out together and we both agreed we didn't want to 'lose each
other'.

I spoke to her today and just let her know I wasn't going anywhere and she can talk to me anytime. To which she replied 'Thankyou but I
don't think I feel like talking yet and I don't have any answers'. I said 'that's fine'. She said 'I just need to lie down on grass and
think'. She's also been sleeping a hell of a lot since that night together and she is under quite a bit of stress at work.

I keep trying to tell myself this isn't about me - that she's not rejecting me - this is about her and her illness and what else can I
do except still be her friend, don't pressure her and hope she'll give us a second chance once she 'sorts herself out'? It's quite a
balance though to 'be there for her' but 'give her space' at the same time. Do I ring up and see how she's going in case she's curled up in a ball in her apartment crying - or will she consider this 'crowding' her??

By the way - two nights before she was telling me I had all the qualities she was always looking for in a man - then 'bang' - I'm on
the outer...

Any advice much appreciated. I really love this girl. Cheers Scott

Thanks Tara

But what do they really need this 'space' for? It is 'thinking space'? My girlfriend still manages to function fine at work and still has great nights out socially. Yet when it comes to partners - we seem to cop it and be pushed to the outer?

Dear Scotty,

I just got the same speech from my boyfriend! Only he has never been diagnosed as BP, but told me that one shrink thought he may be hypomanic. No diagnosis was ever made. One day he loves me and wants me to move to another state to be with him, wants me to join his religious congregation and BAM, I don't hear from him and when I call him two days later, he says he needs his "space" and time to "work things through". Then he didn't even call me on my birthday (even though he gave me my gift in advance, when he was "normal" - or maybe he was manic), but did answer an email I sent him making arrangements to pick up my stuff left at his place (I was going to have to fly there and get the stuff).

In my case, it didn't come out of the blue. I had been with him in his state for 2 weeks and discovered things about him that I think he would prefer I didn't know, like compulsive shopping when he can't afford it. Plus, I had just had a rather heated conversation with him over his lack of control regarding his children.

I wish I knew what he needed the "space" for. He told me if he could "work through" this, I'd have him back. Then he cut off all contact with me for the last 2-1/2 weeks. Wouldn't even answer the beautiful, caring emails I sent him. At least your girlfriend still wants to be friends - and you know for a fact that she has this disease. I keep blaming myself. I wound up asking my guy if he would bring my stuff to me as he was driving into my state to see his family on Thanksgiving. I did it via email and then had to call him to actually drop the stuff off here because he was acting passive-aggressive about it, once he brought it here. Now it's done, but I sent him another email and just left him a phone message because he won't answer his cell when I call - he has a ring tone assigned to me, "The Marriage of Figaro" from the opera, because we were supposed to be getting engaged. HA!

Hi Tara and Scotty,

I'm curious about something. Everyone one here seems to have their loved one disappear when they're in a manic state and come back when they cycle into depression. I had the exact opposite situation. He was madly in love with me when manic and then cycled into depression (?) (I don't know what because he won't talk to me at all) and I got the "I need space" talk (well, it wasn't really a talk, he just said that and then said he was tired and needed to get off the phone).

So, I guess what I am asking, does he really have a chemical imbalance in his brain, or is he just breaking up with me taking a coward's way out?

I just sent him a beautiful email blaming myself for everything and asking for forgiveness and telling him that I just want to be friends, just to talk to him again because I miss him. Any normal man would pick up the phone and call. If I don't hear from him, I think I will conclude that there is indeed something wrong with him, even though my friends all think it is something I did to make him turn off so suddenly. But, because he went to a polar opposite place, I don't think his behavior is normal. I can't believe someone who was once so loving and understanding could become so silent and cold only two days later.

Hi Tara,

Thanks for the info. You are so very helpful in making me understand this and I really appreciate all of the details. I had no idea these things happened to anyone else.

I guess he was in the manic phase and is cycling into depression?? I watched him through a side window as he left my stuff on my doorstep and he looked fine, although he was wearing sunglasses, so it was hard to tell, but he had a new haircut and was wearing nice clothes. How is he able to work? He is a surgeon and has a lot of responsibilities, not to mention kids to shuttle around and he's a bigwig in the local religious congregation! I think he'll convince them that he''s depressed because we broke up and, of course, blame it all on me. He blamed everything on his ex wife, and everyone believed him. He likes to play "poor little me" and curry sympathy from people.

I am completely incapacitated and am having trouble just trying to watch "Desperate Housewives". I have lost 7 lbs in the last week and haven't left my bed or taken a shower in 11 days now. I am still in a state of shock that my precious, sweet love of my life has done this to me.

I got my stuff back from him while he was in my city for the holiday. The exchange was made on my doorstep while I waited in the house. His stuff was worth much more than mine (about $1000 worth of store credits from all the useless stuff I returned at his house + I gave him back the expensive digital camera he gave me for my birthday). He never even contacted me to make the exchange and didn't seem concerned about all his stuff that was here. I emailed him about it and then when he got here he was passive-aggressive about doing it and never emailed me with a drop off time, so I had to call him when he got to my city and it was like talking to a stranger. I asked him if he knew how much this was hurting me and he replied in a dead tone "I'm sorry". I said "so I guess that's it", and instead of giving me some sort of closure, he mumbled something about still needing "time" or "working thru things" or something. A male friend of mine told me in advance that my guy would be passive aggressive - he said it's because my guy just doesn't want to deal with anything. I called him the next day and left him a message to no avail, then I sent him two emails asking again, what is going on. Actually the second email was very apologetic and contrite and I think I will just give up on him if I don't hear back. I kinda said that, not in so many words. I wonder if he will call me again when he's manic and how long these cycles take.

Half of me hopes that he does call me and the other half can't imagine ever forgiving him for being so cruel and heartless. I'm dying to call his ex wife and get the real story, but my friends say they will never speak to me again if I do that. I could also call his sister, his office coordinator, his best female friend, but I am refraining because he's probably already told them something horrible about me.

I keep reading and re-reading all of his emails to me over the past two months and can't believe this is happening. This man wrote me personalized stories about how the angel had sneezed when depositing his soul and mine into our bodies when we were born and that's why we wound up on opposite ends of the country and took so long to meet.

He would talk about everywhere we would go and what we would do and I would always say "we'll see" and joked that I thought he was full of sh*t! He told me he would earn my trust. HA! As I took 2 months to fall in love with him, my "we'll see", became a tearful "I hope so" - and that's when he knew he had me. He noticed and said "well, that's better than we'll see!".

When he contacted a realtor to find rental houses for us, I started to believe he was for real and now he is gone. Before my trip to his city to look at the rentals, I spent two weeks going through everything I owned and giving stuff away and taking stuff to goodwill. In mid October, he asked me what shape diamonds I like and thought we should go look at some rings. And, now I feel like I've been hit by a truck that just kept on going. I feel emotionally raped. He once wrote me that we share an emotional intimacy that few are capable of. I did do and say some harsh things, but I've apologized via email a bunch of times to no avail. When someone loves you, don't they want to work things out? I think this need for space is just another word for getting dumped! I just don't understand how someone can have such a split personality. And, if he was just "yanking my chain", why would he have told me so many personal and embarrassing things about himself? And, did I mention that I wasn't even having sex with him because I told him early on that I won't go there unless we are married. What other man, in this day and age, will put up with that??

I thought that the universe had sent him to me because I made the decision not to ever date again 3 years ago and, out of the blue, an old friend who I barely speak to called me from another state and said I had to meet him. We hit it off immediately and I thought maybe I wouldn't have to spend the rest of my life alone. It was very fast, but he seemed to love me soooo much that it was scary. He knows that I don't date anymore and that I was taking a huge risk giving him my heart. He told me he would protect and cherish it and now he has chewed it up and spit it out! He also fooled all my friends who think he is such a good guy who just isn't ready for me and "bit off more than he could chew".

Does BP run in families? From what he told me, his older brother has a lot of the symptoms (cheating, drunk driving, violent outbursts) and his 16 year old daughter is BP and medicated. And, the daughter doesn't speak to him (he calls it the "freeze out"). Gee, exactly what he's now doing to me.

Hello All,

Isn't it funny how our BP's only need space from us? They still manage to find the strenth and the ability to funtion outside of our relationships. They can drink and party, meet new people,etc. I found this to be the norm for my relationship anyhow. Then when things don't go the way they vision they are right back at our door longing for the security that only we provide them.
Chatty, your situation is diffrent, maybe because of the distance or maybe because the relationship is in the newer stages. Just count on the fact that if he does come back he will probably leave again. And the cycle will repeat over and over.
I have a question. Do you guys ever get answers to the things that occur when they "need space"? Do they ever return and actually share their reasoning or what they have done? I have spent 4 years without a single answer to any of the questions that I have ask. I get the same response " You live in the past. You can't let anything go". I tried to exsplain myself and how it's not living in the past, it is resolving issues to make a better future. Still no answers. It's almost as if they want to pretend it never happened, and the cycle continues....
After finally ending things and distancing myself I feel so much better. I have a future again. I told Tara, being with a BP SO requires you to live from day to day, watching over your shoulder for the next drama to unfold. I am a very honest person, this took a year of dealing with problems I caused in my own life ie, divorce, alienating friends and family etc. I finally took a good look at myself and fixed the things that caused me to be less than a good person to the people that loved me. I think that may be the reason I held out for so long. I thought that if I was capable of seeing the problems I created for myself that my SO would to at some point.
I realize that this disease causes many of the problems we live, but at what point do you lose yourself completely to this disorder? I am still there for by ex but I have set boundries for myself. I know what I can and can't do to remain involved but not pulled back into his world. I have discovered that life is so much better when you have your routines and stability back. I can wake up every day and know that the only drama I face is what I choose to bring into my life. Please believe me, I have spent many days crying and trying to figure out what I did wrong. Trying to find the answers to have a normal life with this man. There are no answers and there is no normal. We will never know how they feel or what they go through with this disease. We know they hurt, but in a different way that we will never comprehend. After removing myself from the relationship I can still love my ex but from a place that isn't full of anger and resentment anymore. It has made stronger and in turn allowed me to be there for him in a calm and rational way. It still hurts to see someone you love trying to make it through life without the tools we have been blessed with to rationalize, know right from wrong, and make the right choices for ourselves and loved ones. Please remember that even though things may not work ot for you and your SO's, you have given them some of these tools that may help them in the future. I am in a good place now and I can't go back. I am here in a capacity of frienship and concern for his wellbeing but any hope for a future or a family with him is gone forever. At some point I will let go and allow myself the happiness I deserve. Someone else will replace me in the role I fill now and I am okay with it.
Please take care of yourselves first. Seek help from a therapist, friends and family and find out what it is that you need to be a whole person. It is a long road, but I think in the end you will be wiser and capable of letting go when you need to.I will always love the person I thought my ex was, or was going to be. I hold that person close and pray that he will still find his way in life. I just know now that I can't be part of the life he lives now. Good Luck to all, keep posting and please take care of yourselves.

Chatty, open the blinds, go for a walk, call a friend. Do something for yourself. The fact that after being alone for this long and still being capable of opening up your heart to someone shows that you do want love and with the right person it will be wonderful. Don't short yourself, you have love to give so give it to someone who deserves it. This man has awakened something in you, share it with the people in your life who deserve it. Don't put it away for another 3 years.

Keep in Touch,
Chloe

scott,

you said her brain is "stuck".thats exactly what it is.I think everyone here will agree that when trying to talk to a bp,in mania mostly,you have to sum up you message into one short sentance,they wont here anything after that.your girlfriend has abandonment issues,seeing how fast you moved on scares her that it will happen to her.that fear,sad to say,wont go away by you saying it wont.abandondment issues can stem from bad relationships,childhood or parenting.never ask questions about it.instead start up a conversation about your own life.se is she joins in,then listen.they will tell you their problems but you have to listen and analize her story.look for things that fit into your current situation.this may help.

bp,s also like to test.see just how far they can push,and get away with.this is where alot of us non bp,s fail.we give in.this only makes the next episode worse.simply because they can.we alowed it.however if you stand your ground you risk them running off,or selfharm.
you will see the term " a no win" alot.thats why.you will here alot of "run while you can".that has to a decision you make.do not base that decision on what you read on these sites.this is only a small percentage of the bp population.

from my own experience,ive been married 18 years.with some devastating manic episodes from my wife.i can look back many years and see the pattern,however the dx just came 3 months ago.

one thing to remember is they arn't manic/depressed everyday.we've had alot of good years.if i had know she was bipolar before we married it wouldn't have change my decison.i would have changed the way i handled things.8 years ago i knew something was wrong,but i didn't stand my ground.today i regret that.perhaps if i had pushed for a doctor visit,things could have been alot better.you are so much ahead of the game.you already know the monster in the closet.its much easier to deal with it if you know what it is.it sound as if she is emabarrased of bp.

anyway good luck with whatever decision you make.

Rob, Thanks for the insightful info. I don't know if I will ever get a chance to use it, however, because my guy has done a complete disappearing act.

Tara & Chloe - Thanks to both of you for the encouragement and support (as well as the warnings). I got myself out of bed today, showered and washed my hair, washed one of my dogs and then tried to do some laundry and, crap, my washer/dryer broke. Tomorrow I have a new project - to find a used W/D stack unit in good condition and have it delivered. No time to think about my creep, who BTW hasn't answered the beautiful email that I sent him two days ago. Since he's so very into religion, I thought all my bible references would get through to him, but it didn't work. I think he hides behind religion when it's convenient for him and the whole congregation thinks he's such a sympathetic character. I thought he was really spiritual because he was so "learned" and actually led services when necessary. What a joke! I still check my email every 10 minutes and every time my phone rings, I jump; but, I have to move on. I have done EVERYTHING in my power (and I mean everything) to try and get to the bottom of his disappearance and I'm still being frozen out. Even a normal guy who's not very nice would just email me back and say "we're broken up, leave me alone", but this guy has just "tuned out" and gone to another "place".

Silver linings: even my skinniest jeans are huge on me (where I live you can never be too rich or too thin!), my skin looks good (because I usually eat a lot of sugar and I haven't been able to eat barely anything) and I've had the time to groom all of my doggies (I was previously running around preparing to make this move to his state in January when he wanted me there). Now, I just have to find the money to finish my mini-house remodel I was in the middle of when I was fixed up with him (I had torn up my whole backyard and the poor doggies have no grass). And, file and organize all the business papers that have piled up on my desk for the last 3 months, since I've been so busy with him.

Non-silver linings : I now have nowhere to where the cute dresses and skirts I had bought to wear with him and I will not be flying there for two parties in December or the black tie events in the Spring or to Europe with him for a medical seminar (I got a new passport just to do this) or going to Mexico on the "couples" trip to his friends' vacation home for New Years. But, if he can't find someone else in the next month, I guess he won't be going either. I'm sure he's still invited, but I can just see him alone there, with 3 other couples (two of which have met me already). Oh, he'll miss me then .... Or maybe he'll find some girl on an internet dating site and invite her for a weekend fling. I hope he "catches" something LOL!!

Sometimes, I just "hit the wall" and start crying when something reminds me of him. And, I am still a little panicky to leave the house, even just on my own front lawn. I am down to 1/4 mg Xanax 2X a day now, one upon waking and one at bedtime. Whether or not I ever speak to him again depends what he says if and when he ever calls. I'm not holding my breath. If my last email didn't inspire him to call me, nothing will.

I don't know if he is BP or not, but there is something very wrong with his behavior, which quite frankly, is unforgivable. I keep ruminating over everything he ever said to me and the plans he made for us, but I need to face reality and stop this. Whatever he said, the man didn't really mean any of it, or really love me, because if he did he'd be here with me right now, working things out, not hiding out silently in another state.

Thank you everyone, again, for all the support. If it wasn't for my accidentally finding this website, I'd probably still be wallowing in my own sorrow for a lot longer, wondering what the hell I did wrong.

CC

P.S. I keep checking his online dating profile and, even though it will be three weeks on Thursday since his freeze out, he has not put it back up yet! I don't think he has met anyone new, unless someone fixed him up, but I think it would be too soon for that. He has all these events to go to in December which would be better with a "date". I still don't understand why he just won't speak to me. Either he's undiagnosed BP or he's just a jerk who knows he led me on (BIG TIME) and doesn't want to deal with the aftermath. I guess he wasn't so in love with me after all, in spite of what he wrote and said and making me look at rental houses, etc. If he was, he wouldn't do a disappearing act after one disagreement.

Oh, and Chloe, you are so right about how these guys lead a "double life". Mine CONSTANTLY complained about the state of his finances, but couldn't stop buying team logo sportswear, DVD's and fancy electronic equipment, all while being very cheap with his kids. He would say how he got everything really cheap, deeply discounted. When I found receipts showing otherwise and asked him what was going on, he had a meltdown saying "I'm doing the best that I can" & "I can only be who I am" (I still don't know what he meant by that) and storming out of the room mumbling something about how I caused caused this. Then he calmed down the next morning and told me that his ego is really low right now and this is how he "acts out". He said that "everybody's gonna have something and my stuff isn't that bad. I don't get drunk or take drugs or cheat" and he asked me if I could use humor when I find this stuff - and I told him that I could. I felt like we communicated and he was asked me for "help" in dealing with his problem. Two days later, he said that he just "collects things", that these things are just "collections", and told me how his wife would always invite people into their home to ridicule him by showing them his absurd DVD collection (he had several hundred, it was like a video store). But, that was when he could afford them. Heck, I would have categorized and alphabetized them for him, if he could afford them! Once I knew what the "real deal" was with him, he drifted away slightly and I could feel it. Plus, his reaction to my finding those receipts was the first time I had seen real, solid evidence that he wasn't the guy I thought he was. I had seen mild red flags early on, but didn't want to be too picky and everyone told me to cut him a break.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: chattycathy,

I am only realizing today (after nearly 5 days of non-responses from my boyfriend) that he's having an "episode" related to being bipolar. I have to run now but I definitely need some advice. Thanks and I'll be on later tonight.

CC,

I'm getting ready to head to work but I'll keep this short. Like many here I have been there and done that in regards to your situation. I have several beautiful letters, was made many promises, all things that would make any reasonable person feel that the future was bright...only to have the rug yanked out to land on my arse. Like you I have done everything from writing letters showing love and concern, going so far as blaming myself (wrong, wrong, wrong!). Listen, save yourself the trouble. He will not respond. When manic, your words are lost on him so instead of wasting energy wishing for him to respond, use that energy to do somehing nice for yourself or even for another person. Thats can actually be very therapeutic. Why is it that they need a break or run from us while appearing great to the rest of the world? Simple, we are the mirror. In us they see there mistakes but most importly their flaws.

To ChattyCathy: When you mentioned that your boyfriend said he would "earn your trust", it sent chills down my spine! I heard the same thing, apparently during a manic phase when everything was wonderful (I say apparently because I did not learn that he was bi-polar until several months after our short-term relationship ended.....by him disappearing!). He was a breath of fresh air at the time and told me the most wonderful things. When he sensed I was a little skeptical, he assured me "I will work hard and go out of my way to earn your trust." He told me I was his soulmate, his love...his everything. He seemed to good to be true, and as it turns out, he was.

Rob mentioned that bp's like to test...another comment that left my skin crawling. Mine would just disappear from our IM chat sessions with no warning. He did it several times, and each time had some outrageous excuse as to why (that I later learned were lies). However, one time during a phone conversation, I came out and asked him about these incidents. He actually admitted to me that it was, in a way, a test to see how interested I was. I told him that was a form of playing mind-games and he denied it, because he "wasn't hurtful or mean and not into mind games."

Several times throughout this period, he assured me that he would never just walk away from the relationship or just disappear; that he was a caring person and that "just wasn't like him" to do such a thing. In the end, however, that's exactly what he did.

I spent the next two months, like you, trying to figure out what "I" did wrong! I re-read all of the messages we had exchanged trying to look for clues that caused him to just disappear. Finally, about two months after it ended, he responded to an IM that I sent and admitted that he was bipolar. In a very cold, seemingly indifferent manner, he said he was sorry for his behavior. I tried to be supportive but as soon as I began asking questions (just trying to gain a better understanding of what he was going through) he shut down and abruptly ended the conversation.

NOTE: I never got the "I need space" response from him; he just bailed without warning or explanation. However, I did notice that he was very active on many of the internet dating sites right after his disappearing act. So bottom line, I guess I'll never know the truth, and I often wonder if he even knows what the truth is. I suspect that he was entering an episode of depression when he left, but again, I'm just guessing. What I know for sure is that I'm glad to be off the rollercoaster. I doubt he'll return; doesn't strike me as the type who will, and to be honest, that's just fine with me! Good luck to you.

Chatty:

My story sounds so much like the ones that posted above. We all have very similar stories to tell, so please know that we've "been there, done that". Some of us (like me) invested a great deal of our life to these people. Please do not waste any more time, tears or energy. Be thankful that you found out so soon.

My ex BP was VERY charming when we met. Told me how beautiful I was, showered me with compliments, cards, phone calls throughout the day, etc. In our five years together, he disappeared no less that twenty times. About half of them were for one or two days - to take a break from me, us, life in general. Many times it wasn't after an arguement - he'd just disappear. Twice he left for over a month, and the last time was two months before he reappeared. This last time, however, I wouldn't allow him back in the house or my life.

He, too, would "test" me. In fact, he still tries to see if I'll take him back w/ texts, etc. During our relationship, he would make plans w/ me, cancel them, re-establish them, etc. He would test to see how much I would tolerate. If and when I gave up, he'd get scared and apologize.

Trying to reason w/ someone in full manic episode is a complete waste of time. You will become their target of rage, anger and resentment. And many times they don't remember what what said 5 minutes later. Trust me on this one, I tried many times without any success. And he would always target me b/c I was closest to him. Another trait I've learned is common. I agree with Mystified - we are their mirror and they know we know what's going on with them. They don't want to be reminded that their ill, need help. That's another reason why many times they simply disappear. It's safer to be w/ people who don't know what's going on with them. Nobody to tell them to get help. But eventually their behavior wears others down and their so-called friends will disappear. That's when my ex would reappear looking to get back together.

Roller coaster is a term you'll see on here alot. If you chose to persue this man, and I hope you don't, you will begin the wildest, most draining and nauseating roller coaster ride you've ever experienced. Get off now before you invest more time and energy into something that ultimately end the same way anyway.

Karen

Thank you, ezevans, for your encouragement. I don't think my guy is manic now - I think he is depressed. I think I met him when he was hypomanic and now he has cycled into somewhere else. I also had a rather frank and harsh conversation with him which may have triggered his behavior. That is - if he is indeed hypomanic, which I don't really know. I told him that if I hadn't seen him perform surgery with my own eyes, that I wouldn't believe he's really a surgeon because he can't seem to make a decision. He replied that in the OR he can make decisions. I shouldn't have said that but I was frustrated and venting to him about my frustration about his not being able to get his kids to commit to Thanksgiving. I also said something like "Am I gonna spend the rest of my life undoing things that you've done?" He replied "I don't think so". So, you see, I may have been a little too honest in verbalizing what was going through my mind. I may have hurt his ego, which may explain why he's not speaking to me. But, I've apologized over and over and when you love someone, aren't you supposed to forgive them? I would have forgiven him by now. Other than this isolated conversation, I always put him up and complimented him. And, to be honest I was still severely sleep deprived and pumped full of adrenalin from my two week trip there, when I said those things.

To Mystified - I can't believe your guy said the exact same things to you!! Mine even wrote them in emails!! I thought it was all too good to be true, but because I have friends who love me, they told me that the universe was finally bringing me what I deserved and not to question it. At least your guy admitted that he is bipolar. Mine won't even TALK to me! When I had to call him to make arrangements for him to drop off my stuff, he answered everything with one word answers and then I told him that I had discussed what happened with "someone who is educated in this area" and that he indeed has 95% of the hypomanic symptoms. I got no response at all. This formerly very warm & communicative guy (that was what I fell in love with) was just completely shut down and cold as ice. He's still not back on the internet dating sites yet. And, he never "tested" me - he loved me and I loved him and there was nothing to test. He was "full speed ahead". He took me everywhere, I met all his friends and family, etc. We wanted me to join the Sisterhood of the religious congregation and get a food handling license, so I could help set up events. He asked me what shape diamonds I liked because we should go and look at some. He also wanted to go to a jeweler to have the religious necklace he wore duplicated for me. Is what's happening now is a test? But, I did have some harsh words with him that could have caused this.

To Karen: My guy never disappeared until now. He was never the "witty & charming" gregarious type. I got the impression he was rather introverted and quiet, except when around me. His kids thought he was stiff and boring. So did some of his patients (on a website for surgeons, quite of few of them called him "robotic").

I got the feeling that I was his "safe port in the storm". He'd call me every night when his day was done to unwind and hear some soothing words of encouragement. He'd complain about the congregation politics, his boss riding him hard to bring in more surgeries, his kids wanting money, etc. I talk about my latest hassles. We'd speak about how much less stressed he'd be when I could be there by his side. He'd tell me that he wanted to stop smoking and eat healthier, but didn't feel he could do it until I got there. He wanted to move me out there in mid-January when the OR at his medical office was being redone and he'd have a week without surgery to do. He's one of the top surgeons in the country in his specialty, but is an employee of another doctor who brought him into the practice. If he's indeed BP, a lot of things about his career issues make sense now.

I think you all have a point about the "mirror" concept. One of my male friends mentioned that. He knows I'm on to him and I discovered these things much faster than anyone else would. He used to tell me he loved me for my brains. (He was brilliant - did Ivy League Med School in only 3 years instead of the usual 4 - and I have a similar educational background, but I'm not an MD). Yeah, I'm so damn smart that I screwed up the most important relationship I've ever had in my life. I keep jumping from one side of the fence to the other because I don't know what is happening here.

His ex-wife is an RN and an attorney, but never really worked. I wonder how he was able to stay married for 17 years? She finally left him and he has everyone convinced that their marriage died because he "couldn't control her spending." He said that he stayed in the marriage because he just kept hoping he could make her happy and everything would be all right. She apparently berated and denigrated him verbally. After only 2 months with him, I can understand why. He used to tell me how she would turn her head and not kiss him, giving every excuse from "you smell like cigarettes" to "your breath is disgusting". He told me he almost went to see a halitosis specialist. He told me he would say loving things to her and she would tell him that she felt he didn't mean them. Now I understand where she may have been coming from. If he turns it on and off like a water faucet, no wonder she didn't believe his flowery words when she heard them.

I was so insecure about the intensity of his feelings for me that I was constantly asking him "are you sure?" I told him that I was scared that everything was going so fast and that, while some people are more secure in a relationship, I am more insecure because I'm giving my heart and I worry about whether my beloved is sincere or not". He said "don't worry, An-gel, I'd never let you fall. You're my "An-gel" Just the stylized way he would say "An-gel" made me nervous - it was like he enjoyed hearing himself say the word. I used to say that "I'm not an angel, I'm real" and "this is not a fairy tale". He'd reply that he knew that, but I don't think he did. When I discovered the truth about the compulsive shopping and his relationship with his kids, it was like I burst the "magic bubble" he had me in and could no longer be his fantasy girl. Or, maybe I just worried too much all the time and he couldn't take it anymore?

I just keep wondering if I had just kept my mouth shut, if he'd still be talking to me and we'd still be in love. I can't imagine what he's saying to everyone (and I mean everyone) who met me, both in his state and mine. He told everyone that I'd be coming out there for these congregation events in December and then we were supposed to go to Mexico on a couples weekend with his best friends to their vacation home there. I'm torn between calling his wife (who I've never met) and getting he real story and just binding my time (it's only been 3 weeks) in hopes that he'll call me soon, apologize and everything will go back to normal again.

A week ago, I sent him a beautiful letter using biblical references begging and pleading for him to please talk to me. I told him it doesn't need to be romantic, I just miss talking to him. I've apologized for anything and everything I could have done to cause this. Still a total freeze out (just like his eldest daughter does to him and he hates it). Now, I'm wondering if he even got the email. Maybe he's blocked me from his email box and never read the damn thing. No one can believe that he read that letter and still hasn't called me.

Like I said before, he has never been diagnosed BP ( I never even suspected that this had anything to do with him before reading my neighbor one of his romantic letters to have my neighbor query "Is he bipolar?"). He has no alcohol or drug problems, is not abusive in any way (except for what he is doing to me now), has never attempted suicide and he is a medical doctor, so one would think that he'd know if something were wrong with him. He does, however, have a lot of the hypomanic symptoms that I read about online.

I wish knew if he were really chemically unbalanced or if I created this. I am insecure, neurotic and far from perfect. My friend in his state yells at me every time we talk because she says I just should have "chilled"and everything would have been OK. That next year at this time, he'll be engaged or married and I'll be sorry. My friends here think he bit off more than he could chew and it was too much, too fast and that I am the rebound girl (which I told him I feared being and he poo-pooed the concept). Of course, my best friend thinks that no matter what the issue, his current behavior is disgusting for a 51 year old man and that he should at least talk to me to break up and give me closure.

I just don't know what happened here and maybe thinking he's hypomanic is a convenient excuse - I wish I knew the whole story - I wish he'd talk to me because this is driving me crazy! I play his phone messages over and over again and feel like I am in the twilight zone. What happened to my loving boyfriend? On top of all of this my best friend's mother (whom I was close to) just died suddenly and I'm very upset about that. I have to compose myself and go to a funeral on Sunday. Geez, in the last two weeks, one of my dogs nearly lost her eye, her rear legs stopped working, my toaster over broke, my washer/dryer broke and flooded, my love of my life disappeared and my best friend's mother died. And, today there has been non-stop rain for over 12 hours. I just want to go to sleep and wake up to find that everything is as it was one month ago.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: chattycathy,

Chatty Cathy: Just a few more comments I'd like to add after reading your last post because I see some more similarities:

Communication: The guy I was with was extremely communicative and expressive in the beginning. In fact, he often spoke about the reason he and his ex-girlfriend split up was because "it was like talking to a wall" with her. He would try to talk and get "blank stares" in return. But toward the end of our situation (it's hard for me to even call it a relationship at this point), that is exactly how he was toward me. Cold, aloof, one-word responses to my questions. When I asked why he got so quiet, he would snap "pick a topic". It was a complete 180 from the man in the beginning. Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde.

The ex's: One of the warning signs that I chose to dismiss early on was how both of his ex-wives, as well as his ex-girlfriend, were the bad guys. They were "uncaring, self-centered, cold, passive-aggressive, unaffectionate"...the list goes on. In retrospect, I have to wonder if he wasn't actually describing himself, because that's exactly what he had become toward the end.

As I previously mentioned, our entire association lasted a mere two months. At the time he disappeared, I was really hurt, devastated, and totally confused, but now I find myself grateful that it ended when it did. As somebody else mentioned here, bi-polar is not a get out of jail free card. Nobody who is supposedly "in love" treats their s/o with such disregard. That type of behavior is unacceptable, bipolar or not.

Finally, you have to ask yourself (as I was starting to do toward the end), do you want to be in a relationship with somebody where you constantly feel like you're walking on eggshells? Having to watch every word you say and constantly second-guessing yourself that you might "scare him away"? A good, healthy, loving relationship involves open and honest communication, and the willingness on both people's part to be able to express themselves and discuss issues that arise (and issues always arise in any relationship).

As for me, I'm thankful that mine didn't resurface right away. I'm afraid I would have been sucked back in because I was still hurting. But with time (and a lot of reading about this disorder) I realize how destructive it was. I'm also finding it very cathartic to finally be able to share this stuff on this board.

Hi Mystified,

Thanks for drawing more parallels between my guy and yours. They sound identical, not only from the Jeckyl/Hyde behavior, but also to the blaming the ex's for everything.

Mine, too, said his ex was unaffectionate, etc. He even found out from a third party that she had been cheating on him with an old high school boyfriend for 12 years. I don't know if the 12 years was true, or conjecture on his part. But, his best female friend (she and her husband own the vacation home in Mexico we were supposed to be going to for New Years) who was close with his wife told him that the wife confessed to her that she was cheating on him. Apparently, the best female friend had been talking to the wife, trying to get them to reconcile, when the wife finally admitted this.

The wife is now well past the old boyfriend and dating a man 20 years her senior. He and the wife separated in the spring of 2006. She told him they needed to work on their marriage and couldn't do it unless he moved out of the house. So he moved out of the house. Until he found out about the cheating, he thought he was coming back. The divorce was final the end of June 2007. I met him the end of August 2007 and by September, he was talking living together and marriage The wife is supposed to be diagnosed BP (according to him, so who knows). She once got arrested for accidentally shoplifting a belt at Neiman's (she supposedly forgot she had tried it on and set off a sensor). So maybe it was a BP-hypomanic relationship? I also ruminate about him drawing parallels between my personality and his wife's because of my one somewhat harsh conversation with him and predicting the same future with me and maybe that's why he's treating me this way. To "nip it in the bud" so to speak?

What no one understands is the Jeckyl/Hyde deal. It wasn't my boyfriend I spoke to in that last call. IT WAS SOMEBODY ELSE!!! And, I really miss my sweet, caring, adoring loving, affectionate boyfriend Just a month ago, when I was in his apt in his state, he came up behind me in the kitchen where I was preparing dinner when he came home from work, and hugged me and flipped me around to kiss me. I queried "Are you always gonna be like this?" To which he replied "Yup, I'm affectionate". We laid on his couch winding down from the day and I told him how I never thought I'd ever find anyone who would understand and appreciate me, to which he replied "not anymore!" Just two days before his total freeze out, he told me how I have to understand just how much respect he has for me because he's very "randy" right now and he's refraining from pressuring me for sex before I'm ready. He always told me that he didn't want to "go there" until I would feel good about it before, during and several days after. That, he wanted to make sure I would be comfortable with everything.

I just can't believe that this man, who was so caring and lovely and sincere, would become so cold and dismissive. He even gave me a "hint" that he knew he had a problem - he kinda, sorta asked me for "help". After I discovered evidence of his compulsive shopping and confronted him with it, he turned into someone else and said "I'm doing the best I can" & "I can only be who I am" & "I never lied to you" and I started crying that I can't believe this is happening, at which point he said "you're creating this" and stormed out of the room, then followed me silently around the house for the rest of the night. The next morning, he admitted that his "ego" was very low right now and sometimes he acts out (by shopping, I guess). He told me that he had silently followed me around the house the night before because he "wanted to be close to me". He asked if I could deal with it using humor, instead of directly confronting him and I told him that I could. He kept saying over and over again that "everybody's gonna have something" - that he doesn't drink, take drugs or cheat - that what he does do isn't that bad. And, I agreed and I spoke to my best friend at home about it and she agreed too. Most of my friends' husbands have behaviors that are a lot worse than my guy's - at least my guy was affectionate and complimentary to me.

I guess the "walking on eggshells" concept makes sense. I think that's what he was hinting at by asking me to use humor in dealing with him. I could have done th