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I have a bipolar boyfriend. He's typical from what I've read. When I first met him he was angry and bitter. He had a lot of people around him that didn't help much. His father left at a young age and really has no father. His mother is very active in his life.
He has no substance abuse. He is not medicated and sometimes does very well dealing with his illness. I'm very proud of him. He has a couple friends. They've been around for a while. A few who come and go. He's had relationships and they've all ended kinda badly.
He's been very honest from the get go about everything. About his illness, friendships, family and friends. We started out as friends and he tells me things he wouldn't tell anyone else. He's feels very safe with me in every mood he's in. I can usually pull him out of every mood he's in good or bad and try to bring him to a normal balance.
I know he loves me very much. I've studied A LOT. I know a lot about BP and I keep reading very negative things about BP's. I know there are good days and bad. I live them with him but I some how always stay tough. It's only been 7 months of this but I doubt I'd want to run.
The love of a BP is not like any other. They are very passion filled people. I'm sure you all know. My question would be would you say something different to me? Given the facts I'm about to give you, or would you give me the same advice and tell me to run.
My BP boyfriend isn't on medication but is willing. He said he would do it any time I would ask. I've asked and he jumped right on it, after a very manic state and then jumping into depression. He's also agreed to seek help for both us with counseling.
He's very aware of his moods and he knows what he's done in the past. He wants people to tell him when he's messing up and not ignore him. He likes to be told what is going on when he is unaware.
Now I'll state the negative here. When I met him he had some internet stuff going on. He also was in the middle of getting out of a disappointing relationship. Everyone tells him he's going to die alone. All he really wants is someone to love him. I'd say he's more depressed then manic. I've seen both.
With all this said. Would you give me the same advice? Personal grievances aside?
It appears that you want to hear from people who have been with BP partners and have them tell you that your situation seems like one of the 5% that will work.
Personal grievances aside as you request, I unfortunately cannot in good conscience give you that advice. My own experience is of 20 years married to a BP wife (but only really finding it out after she left) and observing her life after she left.See my other posts in order to read of this tragedy. You are correct that they can be passionate and seductive. They can also be mean and blame you for eveything.
As your BP goes through more cycles, it is likely that his symptoms will become more extreme.Its nice he says he will get on proper meds for you.Why don't you ask him to do so and find out if he does? A BP not on proper meds is not a good thing.BP's will often make these promises, often tell you they are on proper meds, but in fact they are self medicating.
I had a number of wonderful years with my BP wife, a number of puzzling years, and a number of years from hell until she left blaming me for all her problems. This is a common pattern.
As I have stated (and many others have stated) on this forum, I would not do it again. It was awful for me, for my kids, for friends, for everyone in contact with the situation. The negative effects linger today and will likely linger always for all of us. You are setting yourself up for a life of pain and heartache.
I am not a believer in the idea that there is only one person in the world for each of us. I believe there are many possibilities for all. I believe that among those possibilities there are some for each of us who are not bipolar. Find one of those for yourself. Find a good life for yourself while you can.
You say your SO's other relationships have all ended badly. Take a hint from those. In this case practice does not make perfect.
Sorry that this is not the advice you want to hear. It is likely not the advice I would have wanted to hear 25 years ago.And if someone had given it to me I might well have ignored it. But my life would have been better if I had followed advice to not be involved with a bp.So I am giving what i now know to be good advice to you.
Find someone else. Do not give in to the seduction of a BP in trade for the future of pain you will face. There are many other people in the world who you can meet and have a longterm loving, caring, realationship with who are not BP and who will care about you.Fortunately for me I found one several years after the bp spouse left. I would have been way better off if I have found one 25 years earlier.
I may not be the best person here to offer advice because my experience with somebody who has BP was quite brief. However, I thought I’d chime in and share my thoughts.
My situation lasted two months. The first was really good although admittedly, there were several puzzling situations, but at the time I wrote it off as I did not know he was BP. The second month was a downhill spiral. As JSmith wrote, a relationship with a BP can be seductive. Mine was for sure. He was captivating, charming, romantic, attentive. And I was even further drawn in by his “openness and vulnerability”; the fact that he was willing to open up to me about his past, his hurts, and his fears. He, too, told me about his previous failed marriages and relationships, but they were all the result of “uncaring, self-centered, cold, calloused” women. Again, JSmith was right when he said take a hint from that.
When you’re single in my age group, obviously all the prior relationships have failed, but when somebody says that it was always the other person’s fault, well, you have to question that? In fact, I would say that for the most part, emotionally healthy people will look inside themselves first for the answer as to why a relationship failed. “What could I have done differently?” “What steps can I take in the future to make the relationship work?” If you read many of the posts here from BP S/O’s, that is a common question. It’s not because of insecurity or lack of self confidence that we question ourselves when a relationship fails, but it’s because we are willing to take responsibility and acknowledge that perhaps we could have done something differently. Nevertheless—and again, I don’t pretend to be an expert on the subject—from all that I’ve read, BP’s often times (not all, but especially if they’re not following their treatment) refuse to admit fault or take responsibility when things don’t work out.
You also mentioned that he is afraid he’ll die alone, and that he just wants somebody to love him. I would caution you to be careful with those types of sentiments. Once again, referencing what others have mentioned here, BP’s can be quite manipulative and know how to play on the emotions. Mine told me similar things, even saying “Please don’t ever leave me; I’m a good person.” It broke my heart because I knew that all the others “hurt him so badly.” But guess what? I did not leave, he did….simply just disappeared. No explanation, no warning, just poof! Gone.
You’ve been with this man for seven months; obviously longer than my situation but not nearly as long as some of the people here on this board have been involved with their BP S/O’s. 10, 20, 30+ years, many of which have been filled with pain, heartache, emotional abuse (sometimes physical abuse). The decision to stay or leave must come from within, but my best advice would be to lead with your head and intuition, NOT your heart in this case. Words are wonderful and they give us hope, but if the words aren’t supported by the actions, then they are meaningless. So I would say pay less attention to what he is SAYING and more attention to how he is ACTING. Mine said some pretty amazing and convincing things in the beginning, but in the end, his behavior far from matched his words; in fact, most of his actions downright contradicted anything he had previously told me.
i dont know if there is such a thing as "good advise" in bipolar.if you "know alot about BP"then you probably would already be pushing for med therapy.that hasn't happened yet so read more!any behavoir that you have experienced with him or heard of from him should be expected to be repeated.the inernet stuff...expect more.if someone could come up with a way to break the behavoir pattern and all there was to deal with was the modd swings Bp might be more tolerable.but knowing they will do the same stuff in the next episode is hard to deal with.you also said he has benn honest with you from day one,douptful!maybe some honesty but...well,they tend to say what you want to hear.and if its not what you want to hear then its your fault.
7 months is hardley enough time to experience all that Bp has to offer or dish out.for some(wife included) their hypomania lasts that long.followed by mania then depression.the entire cycle takes 8-9 months ,then it starts all over again. 18 years so far for me.each year it seems to get worse.i can only hope i've seen the worse.we are now on meds.by the way be prepared for the med rollercoaster also.so far thats been a nightmare.rapid cycles througout the day,side effects worse then the illness itself,in and out of docs,lost work,then switching meds for better results,and starting all over again.
good luck in whatever desicion you make,for me i'll stay as long as she continues to try.
Hi TLynn, I have to agree with all of the above advice. I would like to add one thing. Even 9 months or more may not be long enough to expierence all of your guys bp. For some like my ex for instance the hypomania stage can last for a year or even years. There is no set time limit. But one thing that seems to be a sure thing is that with time and each episode the bouts seem to last longer and worsen in severity.Not happy news I know.But you need to understand this and realize that this is the rule not the exception, if you are to make this life altering decision. When my ex first started showing signs of bp he was in his early 20's , he started out getting depressed for a few weeks and then leaving (common behavior) his abandonments at first were for a couple of weeks then they became a few months and then the last one was 2years (thats a big chunk of life away form your marriage and to your children) it gets old believe me. This last time was the final time as I would not have him back. Each time would be full of promises and assurances that is would never happen again, if i would just trust him one more time. Well you can figure out how that went (since were divorced) They never mean it. If you want to waste your life going back and forth like that (oh yes i forgot to add, each time they have to cheat before they can see the error of their way) you will be in for a lifetime of grief.Yes they are passionate and charming, and they will use those very qualities on the other women they will cheat on you with ,all the while telling them that you are the problem.If you decide to not continue with this relationship believe me he will be saying all of those same sweet, private things,(things hes never said to anyone else) to another woman within a month. Please go into this if you choose to continue,with your eyes open. Listen to the people who know on these posts. Blaire
I think that that all the advice that everyone has given this young lady is right on point. What she said about her bf sounds just like my soon to be ex husband in that he told me how all he ever wanted was a real family, and if he ever had a child how great of a dad he would be since his dad died when he was young) he also stated all these dreams he had about going to college and having this wonderful career and leaving the pain and heartache that his parents and siblings caused him behind. Even told me that although some of the people in his family were having affairs he would never do anything like that because it was just plain selfishness and he empathized with the unknowing spouses. This was just a bnch of bologone. His actions contradicted everything he has said and when you bring that to his attention he gets defensive. Oh and they NEVER take responsibility for the things they do. As I mentioned before my soon to be ex even told everyone that I was the one who had the affiar (that was after the 1st one). I didn't find that out until much later and when I asked him if he really told people that he said he didn't remember. Then he said if he did, he did it so they wouldn't look at him bad. Anyway Blaire it is really unbelievable how similar your story is to mine. My soon to be ex started walking out on us also and first it would be days, then weeks, then months, then after he had the first afffair I left him and we didn't hear from him for a year despite the fact he had a child to take care of. When we did hear from him he showed up on our door step in tears apologising for all that he had done and stating that he just needed to find himself and that if we gave him another chance it would never happen again. I honestly believed him, and we were ok for about a year and then the pattern started all over again. He didn't appreciate having a second, third, forth, fifth or any amount of chances. I think that people with bp think they are entitled to unlimtited chances. I left him and this is final. Now when he calls trying to blame me for his problems I redirect him to his own destructive behavior patterns. He says that I'm not a forgiving person....why would i continue to forgive him and allow him to bring stress in my life when his behaviro repeats itself and has for over a decade??? He says I don't trust him, why would I trust someone who lies all the time?? He would even shake and cry and act so sincere when I was confronting him about his unacceptable behavior. That was one of the main things that really let me know I made the right choice to leave. That is the fact that he could do wrong and then look me in the face and sob and tell me how much it hurts him that I don't believe him when I already had evidence of his wrong doing. That's one question I do have for Rob, Blaire and anyone else who can answer. When people with BP look you in the face and cry and act so sincere, and deny things when been confronted, do they understand that they are lying???? or is that just a part of manipulation??
Oh and I forgot to mention the fact that if you want to have children, would you really want to take your children through this? I mean my soon to be ex tries to manipulate our kid by saying things like "all he ever wanted was a family" and "he tried to be the best he could to our kid and me" even tries to tell our kid that "God will point him in the right direction and he will be a better person soon". Not once has he apologized to either of us. Not once has he admitted that God has shown him that he is bipolar and gone into therapy or figured out what other meds he needs, not once has he tried to take a parenting class, not once has he gone to a support group for people with bp so that he can learn how to control his mood swings or see how much damage he has done. When he contacts our child, its always the "poor me routine" so I stopped him from having contact with him.
you asked about the lying,i ahven't figured out what it is exactly.from my own wife's experiences ,she knows she is lying,she admitted that later,but did she know it was a lie when she told it,whoknows.i remember one time we were talking about some of the lies she told and she looked at me as serious as could be and said"i've never lied to you".when i reminder of a few that we just talked about she replied with ,oh yea,but that was it".
the fact that so manyBP's lie the same way i would have to say its part of the disorder and they may believe what they are saying is the truth.lets face it when they cheat or spend they feel justified in doing it."its your fault".so why would they have any guilt about lying.i asker her how she could do some of the things and she said she had no conscience.i believe it. however i am still troubled with after the episode.they(atleast my wife) is able to continue covering up her mistakes(lies).at some point there has to be some level of conscience.perhaps thats the internal strugle they have.it has to be hard to live every day knowing you've lied.,knowing someday the truth may be revealed.but one would only have these feelings in a conscience mind.how often BP's have one i have know idea.i asked a similair question myself on a post under general questions.
one thing i am certain of is if they lie and get away with it,Bp only gets stronger.i told my wife there is a good girl and a bad girl,if she(the good girl)keeps covering for the bad girl(BP)then the bad girl will continue.someone has to stop the bad girl.i dont believe meds alone will do it.in fact i know it.the only person that can stop the bad girl is my wife.question is will she?
now i have a question, why does it seem that a marriage with a BP wife seems to last longer than a BP husband.it seem that the BP man tends to run off more,not to say women dont but you hear more about the men doing it.read the posts here,relationships with a BP woman make it 10 years or more,where a BP man is lucky ot make it 5.
In answer to your question about why the BP men run off - I have only two words: "biological imperative". From what I have read during my rather limited time on this board, it appears that the men run off to be with other women. I think the disease combined with testosterone makes them do it. Same as when men commit rape - how many female rapists have there been?
Just my two cents for whatever it's worth. And thank you for all the earnest advice you have written for me and others. The info on lying is interesting. My guy too, used the "I've never lied to you" expression in direct contradiction to what he was doing. I think in their twisted, narcissistic minds, they really believe that their actions or lies are justified.
This message has been edited. Last edited by: chattycathy,
Posts: 154 | Location: u.s. | Registered: 11-17-2007
Rob you and Caty gave some good responses. I'm just a little confused. Maybe also I'm trying to hard to understand and there possibly is no explanation. But how could someone feel justified in lying to someone they just met?? I mean my husband started out lying and he just never stopped. I even told him that I didn't understand how he could ever justify lying to me even from the start.....his response was he wanted me to like him. Did it ever dawn on him that once I found out the truth I would despise him?? I think that what someone said befoe about people with bp living for the minute, or day is correct. I don't think that they understand that the very thing they do to get love is what actually destroys it. Till this day my husband continues to tell lies though when I call him a liar he says "I have never had to lie to anyone". I said yes but you have lied to alot of people and he says no he actually just changed his mind about somethings. Because their behavior is so sick, I wonder how they actually feel about themselves. Rob has your wife ever been able to explain how she really feels inside? I know when my husband is depressed he seems to feel guilt, and bad about himself. When he is manic he doesn't seem to care how awful he has treated anyone. In fact he'll say things like "if he has hurt anyone and they don't understand he made a mistake....then too bad because he's not perfect". Also because he is cycling really quick (probably because the untreated illness is getting worse) does anger and threats of violence come from being manic or is that depression? Also Rob I like the way that you say that inside of your wife is a good girl, and a bad girl and she has to try to control the bad girl. That reminds me of my husband doing all kinds of bad stuff but pleading with me that deep in his heart he knows he is a good person. When someone is untreated bp all close people see is the bad person.
One other question. I remember reading that BP and their episodes get worse over time. Is this when they are being treated or untreated or both?? Any idea what causes them to get worse? ARe they really ever at peace like people with who do not have BP?
My relationship with my boyfriend only lasted under 3 months, but he used many of the same expressions as your hubbie!! This business about making mistakes and "not being perfect". OMG!!! And, mine guy also lied to me from the very beginning. He was not as he represented himself to be.
When I uncovered some of the "misrepresentations", he qualified them, saying things like "I'm not as bad as so-and-so", or "It's not that bad - I don't take drugs, I'm not a drunk and I'm not a cheater, I just do this". I remember telling him that it wasn't what he had done that was the problem, it was how he reacted when I discovered the deeds. If he had told me about his problems up front, I would have been able to deal with them a lot easier and he wouldn't have been caught lying.
I think the reason they do it is because they refuse to see themselves as they really are. That would be too real for them - they only want to view themselves as the facade they're putting out to the world. That's why only those who get to know them intimately (signif. other, their kids, etc.) see the truth.
This message has been edited. Last edited by: chattycathy,
Posts: 154 | Location: u.s. | Registered: 11-17-2007
That's almost unbelievable to know that your guy behaved the same way. Mine also when he first started getting caught in lies started making some of the comments yours made. Mine would also justify his lies by saying "its not like I killed someone". Before I knew he was bp I remember telling him that the reason he doesn't mature, grow, or develop is because he lies to himself to much. I also told him that because he feels like lying to himself is acceptable, he lies to everyone else as well and this causes him more pain. He couldn't take that so he would usually run out of the room. I think you may be right as well about the reason they lie. My husband used to lie to people so much it was unbelievable. It got so bad that whenever we would go to functions he would even stand up in front of others and tell everyone how wonderful he was. Believe me when I say that was very very embarassing. I mean you don't stand up at someone else's wedding and start talking about yourself. But for whatever reason he felt the need to do this. I don't know but I think it would stink to have to live your entire life pretending to be something you're not.
Mine ran out of the room too!! Ranting "I'm doing the best that I can" and "I can only be who I am". This was after I exclaimed "you're not walking your talk!" This had happened with me and a prior boyfriend and I had told him the whole story, so when he reacted this way I started crying and said "I can't believe this is happening to me again", to which he shrieked "YOU'RE creating it!!!"
However, the next day he calmed down and explained that his ego is very low right now and that *what I found* was his way of acting out. That's when I heard the "It's not that bad" speech. And, it wasn't that bad - he was compulsive shopping while complaining that he had no money and having to take a loan out from the doctor he worked for just to make his monthly expenses. He had always had financial difficulties that he blamed on his wife's overspending.
Then I sat in his apartment in another state for an entire day and thought about what I wanted to do. My first response was to drive home and if I had been in my own city, I just could have gotten into my car and left. But, here I was in another state with two weeks of clothes and toiletries to pack for the trip home (I discovered the extent of his spending after I was there a week). Then I weighed his positive and negative qualities and decided that there was so much that was positive about him that I could deal with the negative - after all, no one's perfect and that's when I realized just how much I really loved him.
Then, once I was safely home from my trip there we spoke on the phone and I confronted him about some of his behaviors that I saw and, instead of working things out, he abruptly stopped speaking to me altogether. I'm supposed to be there right now (getting engaged) and I was supposed to be moving in with him in January, taking over aspects of his medical practice, and being a stepmother to his children.
Oh, Givenup - the way they use that "I don't remember" line is truly creative. It lets them opt out from having to fess up. My guy had two identical watches which he said were "gifts" and he "didn't remember" who gave them to him. He had a genius I.Q. and a mind like a steel trap! Wouldn't you remember who gave you a watch? Especially when it was exactly like another one you already had? I think they were from women in his past and this is how he avoided having to tell me about them and how the relationships ended.
From what everyone on here tells me, he did me a favor by dumping me. These people don't want to be held up to a mirror, as someone else said on here. They would rather "start fresh" with someone who doesn't know their games than have to face themselves and the damage they have caused. Or they find themselves a codependent partner to play with for a while.
This message has been edited. Last edited by: chattycathy,
Posts: 154 | Location: u.s. | Registered: 11-17-2007
Oh my gosh...ditto, ditto and ditto! Here are some of the things I heard:
"I'm sorry I don't live up to your expectations"
"I try my best, sometimes it's not good enough"
and the BEST of all, when he actually admitted to a lie he had told (he had a couple glasses of wine and I think that's the only reason for the admission) he said.....
"But it was innocuous."
The lie wasn't about having cheated or anything like that, but it was a very big "tale" he fabricated for one of the first times he had "disappeared" for a couple days.
Should have been my first clue but again, I had no idea he had BP at that time.
and share my thoughts. 
