Bipolar Depression

Hi all,

It's been a long time since I have posted here, but essentially, my situation hasn't changed much. I have been separated from my BP husband for over 2 years now. The reasons are too numerous to write about, but basically, all the normal BP behavior, and the effect it has on the spouse in a relationship. I ended up having an affair, which I am very guilty about, but that was what got me to leave the relationship. He is on my health insurance, which is one reason I haven't divorced him (his job doesn't offer insurance). This year he has been hospitalized twice with major depressive episodes. He's been out of hospital about 5-6 months now. Seemed to be doing OK, not great, but stable. A couple of months ago, he asked his doc to change his antidepressant from Zyprexa to Abilify becuase he was putting on weight. Anyway, he tells me today he is feeling down again, and has been for about a month. I should mention that I am in a relationship with someone else. I met this man while he was seeing someone else, and had indicated that he didn't want to get back with me. The girl he was seeing threw him out and within two weeks he was back wanting to get back with me. My relationship with this man is good, although he is in the military serving in Iraq right now.

On top of this, I have lost my job, and only have health insurance through December. I told my husband that he may need to start looking to see if he could find a job with insurance, in case I can't get one. This is also partly because, if I am ever to make a break with him, he has to get to where he is not so dependant on me.

So, now I am in a situation where he is saying he is feeling down, I know the insurance is coming to an end, and I now don't feel I can push him on the job thing in case I send him over the edge. I also don't know how I am ever going to get out of this relationship, without pushing him into another breakdown.

I still love my husband, but I know it isn't a healthy relationship for me. I have no financial security with him, no emotional security, there has been unfaithfulness for years before I ended up in an affair. Because of this, our sex life came to an end a long time ago, so there isn't a physical relationship either. Through all of this though, I still love him, I am still drawn to get back with him, but I am really scared to do that.

I'm sorry if this sounds rambling and confused, it's the way my head is right now.

Mostly, I just find that whenever he says he is feeling down, my panic and anxiety levels go through the roof. I've been through it so many times, and it is absolutely the most horrible, horrible thing I have ever experienced. The very thought of it happening again is almost more than I can bear to think about.

For now, I have just told him to get an emergency appointment (if possible) with his psych. In the meantime, I am a nervous wreck.

Thanks for reading, everyone.

DR...I haven't posted on here for a long time either! My new name reads Micha...but my name is Tara...not sure if you'll remember me, but I remember your story. I know how you feel!! And I am soooo sorry.

I'd like to say that I am in a good place with my ex, who is bipolar. We had gotten back together and things were great, but all leads back to the same place eventually...me a nervous anxiety riven person...and him completely ambivilant to me and my feelings. We had a huge fight tonight where I accused him of being detached and uncaring of me and my feelings...and haven't heard from him yet. I'm sure another break-up is approaching...on his end of course.

The thing about us, you and I, is that I think we're co-dependent. We let these guys manipulate us when they're down....last weekend my guy cut his wrists with scissors. This was the third attempt I've witnessed. But what can I do??? I'm there for him always, as I'm sure you are with your ex. Why can't we let these guys go...it's easy for them to direguard us!!! But just as you stay with your ex for insurance...I can find a thousand reasons to stay with mine...even though I'm unhappy almost all of the time...exception being with he is manic...which is so few and far between and even my mind tells me he's not in LOVE with me but with the idea of being in love because of the mania.

It's sad really what my life has become! But I stick with it...hoping deep down in my heart of hearts that he'll realize someday he needs help. This, sadly, will probably be my life. And I used to be so full of life, and I was the one who would put guys in their place. How quickly independent women can fall when they enounter a bipolar loved one.

Anyway...guess I'm not much of a support. But I feel like I know how you feel. What a life huh? I'm here for you if you ever need to vent.