Bipolar Depression

First a question...Are all BP's physically abusive? I'm 99% sure my husband is BP but luckily he has not tried to harm me or my boys. However, we do walk on egg shells so as not to aggravate him. Maybe that is why.


We've been married for 8 years and I am finally meeting with a lawyer on Monday to file for divorce. I have been so unhappy due to many of the same reasons that everyone else posts. I am exhausted because I have to take care of my husband as I would a teenage son.

Thanks to everyone for all the encouraging advice and sharing of situations. For the first time I don't think it is me who is crazy. I have been second guessing myself in my marriage for the past 4-5 years and things are not getting better. For the longest time I thought it was me...I am so relieved to find this website! Keep the posts coming...You are helping people like me more than you know!

To Thanks,

My wife was not physically abusive to anyone including our two children as far as I know but is extremely BP (she was apparently recently hospitalized again). My children - now pretty much grown - choose to see her when they are sure she is either normal or slightly depressed. They do not want to deal with serious depression or mania any more. My daughter got the report on the recent hospitalization a few days to a week after it occurred and was advised by her aunt not to visit her mom for a while since she was very angry at being hospitalized again. There is a possibility that she may receive intensive institutional therapy for several months after this one. Although this would be the best thing for her and everyone else around her, she is likely to be uncooperative if past history is a predictor (it always has been).

In my case (I have other posts here describing the situation) I had to file for divorce only after she moved out and indicated she wanted a divorce. However, divorce laws where I am prescribe several specific categories of legal divorce. Although she had many issues with me, none of them fit the legal categories. In fact many of the issues she had with me were like reading a list of BP symptoms. She was however able to find two lawyers and two psychologists willing to take most of her money in exchange for saying in court that I was the mentally ill one (she had already had 3 suicide attempts by that point while I cared for the kids). In fact I was the party with a legally reconizable reason for divorce (her moving out is a legal reason) As a result, even though I did not want a divorce at the time, I had to file for one in order for her to get one. Alternatively I could have admitted to bizarre behavior she was accusing me of and signed an agreement limiting my rights to see my kids. In order to deal with all this I had to submit to a several day court ordered psychiatric exam. I am certified sane as a result. Once my sanity was established legally, things became much easier although there were still several lawyer and psychiatrist shenanigans to go through. I am appalled at both the incompetence and the ignorance of professionals in the legal and mental health businesses regarding BP. What they did or attempted to do to her, me and our kids is unpardonable. If they had thoroughly checked the situation and her mental health background, they could have avoided the damage they did. However, they chose to ignore the obvious and put us all through a nightmare. All to collect a little money for themselves - money which should be paying for my kids college education.

In any case my point is that you are almost certain to get a divorce from this person. If you wait for him to file for one you are likely to wind up in a very bad spot and so will your kids. If you are proactive you are likely to be ok eventually. But it is going to take a while. I hope you can deal with it. Its a lot. Find a really good lawyer who knows about BP and can talk about it in court.

jsmith:

I was glad to see your post and that you seem to be doing better. I admire your strength, and your children are lucky to have you.

As I've said before, and it worked in my divorce 6 years ago (non BP ex), try to keep looking forward 6 months. What will my life be like, will it be better, will it all have been worth it? It works if you give it a try. Just keep looking forward.

My job interacts regulary with lawyers (I am not one), and after all these years it never ceases to amaze me how many of them will sacrafice their better judgement to make a buck. Hang in there. I firmly believe that doing the right thing always, always pays off in the end. You have your conscience - they don't. That's what got me to where I am today. I feel sorry for my ex and his illness, but my conscience tells me every day that he had and has choices. He chose drinking and drugs. He chose not to take care of his illness. You're doing the right thing and your kids will always appreciate you for it.

Stay strong & know that life does get better. You just have to make changes to allow that better life to happen.

Karen

Thanks Karen,

I agree with your advice. And hope others read these messages and can follow it. Although I didnt find this site until well after I was on the road to recovering my life, I think many of the posts here are helpful to those just starting the process. Also I find your experiences and others' very reassuring that I made the correct choices. As you say doing the right thing does usually pay off. Knowing what the right thing is at the time of the decision is the hard part.

You are correct about looking at life in 6 month segments. Each 6 months has gotten better for me. I am up to 9 of those segments now and things are a thousand times better than in the first one.

As you say BP's make choices to get treatment or not, to trust loved ones about their treatment or not. My daughter had the assignment of watching "A Beautiful Mind" for her psychology class. I watched with her - I had seen it before many years ago with my BP ex. While both of us enjoyed the movie a lot, we agreed that in our experience it is somewhat rare for a person with mental illness to acknowledge it and trust a loved one(s) to direct their treatment. I am sure her analysis of this movie will be quite different from that of most of the other students in the class. Personal experience is quite a modifier of generally accepted dogma. Did you know Fred Thompson, US presidential candidate, had an adult bipolar daughter who according to the records appears to have committed suicide by drug overdose? He had to make the decision to pull the plug on her at the hospital, which appears to put him at serious odds with the rest of his political party's philosophy on this. But I digress. Sorry.

Thanks for your kind words and good advice. I am so glad others like "me" who started this particular thread find this stuff useful. best of luck to you all.