Bipolar Depression

I'm so tired of being hurt by him. We've been together for years but I didn't know he was bp until a few months ago. Now all the affairs lying and verbal abuse have a name. BP I'm so tired of being used. Even though I know now that this behavior is due to BP I still can't get over the hurt. He promised me when he found out he was BP that he would get help and never abandon me again. He has been taking his meds but slowly he was becoming more and more withdrawn these past few months. Now I know why. He met a woman at his NA meeting and seems they've fallen in love. Only one problem, he forgot to tell me. Until a couple of days ago I kept asking him if something was going on because he hasn't been affectionate at all. In fact he tried to sleep as far away from me as he could in our bed. Almost falling off the side to get away from me. When I asked him he'd tell me that I had nothing to worry about. I was imagining everything at that I'm the only person he wants to spend his life with. Well I guess that his mind has changed in the last 48 hours because now he's off with this woman. God only knows what he's told her. I doubt anything true. Before he left he blamed everything on me. I'm learning that this is typical behavior for BP (???) Can anyone share some advice on how to repair my self esteem? I don't think I've explained very well because I just drank a glass of wine but I've really been traumatized by all of this.

tidalwave,

I'll pray for you. I'm afraid that's about all you can probably do for your husband as well.

My wife hasn't actually run off with anybody yet, but she has had her series of affairs and she has her male "friends" who she refuses to stop seeing. I'm very close to my limit.

These people with BP use it as an excuse to justify completely outrageous behavior. I am so angry when I think about stories like your own or mine or any of a number of different people's stories on this site. You and I can't get away with that kind of behavior. Why should the BP's be able to get away with it? BP's...take some doggone responsibility for yourselves!!! Quit causing so much pain and hurt in people's lives! Oh, that's right, you can't stop. The BP makes you do it. I make you do it. The weather makes you do it. Whatever. Excuse here. Excuse there. You have no capability to control yourself. Right.

BP's render destruction far, far out of proportion to their numerical representation in society. I'd even go so far as to say that if BP did not exist, the crime rate would drop by a very significant number. Think about all of the direct and indirect effects of each BP person on the society around them. Think about the direct effect they have on themselves, on you, on your children, on other family members, and on others close to them. Think about their lack of productivity at work (if they work) and the impact it has on your productivity. Think about all of the emotional and spiritual energy you have poured into your BP and what much more productive things that could have been used for. Think about all of the disfunction caused by BP's and how those effects trickle down to effect others. Think of each BP as a pebble thrown into the pond of society and how their ripples sweep out to touch every corner of the pond. I could go on and on and on.

And finally for the BP's and their supporters who the above makes angry; I've stood by my BP wife through some incredibly outrageous behavior for quite a long time. It does NO good. She is without remorse. She is without conscience. So please don't attack me for not being understanding or not being something else or another. I've tried to explain away her behavior and tried to understand her far too much. When has and when have the other BP's here tried to understand the absolute devastation they wreak on other's live's? I know some of you have and I applaud you but unfortunately, you all are a tiny, itsy-bitsy minority. I'm about fed up.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: llowwelll,

llowwell, I have to say you make some good points. Though you may have gone a little farther than you intended, most of it made sense. I think that one reason in particular bipolars seem like they could just be bad people is their total lack of conscience and remorse, it seems the one thing most have in common. I wonder if anyone has ever read any books or research on the connection between bipolar and how it effects these areas. What happens in the mania stage(which seems like the time they all change from their loving personality to one who has no feeling at all for their spouses and children) to make them undergo such a transformation? If any of you have ever found such information,please inform the rest of us. Blaire

Hi Tidalwave,

"Been there, done that"...yep I'm in the same place you are. Been with my husband 24 years. Highschool sweethearts dating 14 years, married for 10. He was diagnosed BP 5 years ago after a series of ups and downs and yes his ups included affairs, money spendng etc.

This recent episode was different in that he completely withdrew from me. I was thinking he was depressed but it was hard to tell becsaue he was also irritable. Anyway, he left and said he "needed time." I asked the same questions you did, but instead of saying anything he just became colder. I started putting some pieces together and discovered that he was having an affair with a married woman (a couple we had done things with) and had set up house with her in an apartment 2 hours away. No apology, nothing..just gone. Now from the emails found, they are "in love". Worse then any romance novel or soap out there. At the same time I could see a lot of maniplation on his part as well as the horrible things he said about me.

Angry, devastated, lonely, betrayed...I share all your same emotions. I just keep in mind that it isn't anything I did and that he is ill. Its very painful in that they are running around like they did nothing wrong and people are condoning it.

BP is a terrible illness but I can say I have friends who suffer from the illness and can say that they are really good people. Their success is a combination of being less servere then my husband and/or they have worked there asses off to manage the bp and are very self aware. In some cases it took years, a lot of damage, and in some case hospitalization, but they got it.

Dear New,

After reading your (and others) posts, the biggest question that came to my mind was, why? Why do you continue to stay and allow yourself to be degraded, humiliated, defeated, beat up and mistreated? Why do you not pick up the pieces that are left and get the hell out? What is in it for you, that you continue to stay and be tortured, day in and day out? You all sound as sick as the person you are (or were) living with. I am sorry, but anyone who has so little regard for themselves, as to stay in this kind of relationship - bipolar or not - is just insane!

My husband had bipolar and it got very bad. Yes, I loved him very much, but not enough to allow my son and myself to be abused day in and day out. I have no doubt that everything you are saying is true. Still, your spouses could not keep up their behavior, if you would just leave them. I know it is not easy, but the alternative is much worse. Or, have you lost any sense of dignity or self-respect, that you are just going to allow yourselves to wallow in your misery and blame your entire, awful, life on your spouse?

Any person with bipolar who does not take responsibility for him/herself and his/her actions is just another cowardly human being, hiding behind the mask of bipolar. It could be anything - it doesn't just have to be bipolar - behind it all is a person who will blame everything on anyone.

I have bipolar and I do not blame you or anyone else for my actions, whether good or bad, in life. Regardless of the hand life deals each one of us, it is up to us how we play that hand. You sitting there and spouting off about how vile and evil bipolar people are is no better than how you have been treated. Surely, you did not intend to become a "victim" of a person with bipolar disorder. The fact that you chose to remain in that situation was your choice; you did not have to stay and remain the ever-loving martyrs that you are. You are doing exactly what you hate your bipolar spouse for doing - blaming everything on someone else. Take responsibiity for your own life and do something about your situation. Just lying there and taking it is absurd.

I know, you just wanted to vent in a safe place. Well, as surely as you have the right to vent about how bad people with bipolar are, I have the right to vent about how self-pitying and how judgemental you spouses can be. There seems to be a common thread to your complaints. It is unspoken but there it is - you are all helpless, hopeless victims of your circumstances and you are powerless to do anything about them.

For God's sake, get some self respect and stand up for yourselves. If you don't, who will?

Kay

Hi Kay,

Depending on where folks are on this rollarcoaster ride, some are probably nodding their heads in agreement with what you say. Just as the moods affect the actions/thinking of someone who is bipolar, it is the emotion of love that ultimately causes the spouse the most pain. Logic dictates we should do the things you suggest, but the heart tells us to stay. Most of us have been taught true love is unconditional (and we could all probably debate on that for hours) so there is a tremendous amount of guilt that comes along with the thoughts of "I need to get out, move on." Now I hate to even admit that because I feel guilt is a totally worthless emotion/feeling unless it prompts an individual to make positive changes.
I agree that my husband is 100% accountable for his actions and I do not sugarcoat that at all. He has a mood disorder but he is not crazy. He is the one who does not accept his diagnosis or take responsbility for his care. This we have discussed at length during periods of stability. Well, if he isn't gonna step up when stable, god knows it ain't gonna happen during a cycle.

I am moving on with my life as best I can. I am working with a lawyer but there are some touchy situations that will drive when I actually file. I know that "what comes up must come down" so I am preparing myself for when my husband trys to come back into my life. I do not want to spend the rest of my life as I have spent the last 5 years so I have much work to do.

Hello ezevans,

I read your post, and I am so very glad to hear that you are taking action on your behalf to improve your life and the often disastrous position you find yourself in. I know that love is a powerful emotion, and it can keep you in a situation long after you should have left it.

The only truly unconditional love I have ever felt was that of my parents to me and of myself to my son. As much as I would have loved having that kind of love in both of my marriages, I don't believe you can find such uncondtional love from a spouse. Two very different people come together and create a union and that union is held together by mutual love. There is no hook, such as the bond of mother/father to son/daughter, that binds us in the way that the parental bond does.

As you said, we could debate that issue for days. I just really struggle to understand how people can lose years from their lives, staying in a relationship that is so obviously detrimental to them. I suppose one draw is that the person can be oh so good when he/she is not in the midst of an episode. You can almost forget that they ever had a psychotic episode - until the bomb drops again.

Bravo to you for getting out of the situation you were in. You are only responsible for yourself (and perhaps any minor children you may have). You are definitely not responsible for your husband and his actions. As you said, if he won't do something about his situation when he is "sane", who is to say he will do anything about it when he is psychotic? My husband could not or would not do ANYTHING to make his situation better, once he was in the throes of a manic episode. It was terrifying to be around him and I feared for my son's and my lives. I HAD to get out of there. Was it easy? Hell no! Was it worth it? Heavens yes! My son and I now live a fairly peaceful existence, just the two of us together in a small apartment.

My husband died over two years ago. He had COPD and that, coupled with his psychosis, killed him. My son and I had to take a cold, hard look at what we might have done differently to prevent what happened. This was an act of futility and we ultimately knew that there was nothing we could have done. Psychotic or not, my husband needed to accept some kind of responsibility for who and what he was.

It was such a waste and very very sad.

I am proud of you for making a choice to be good to you. As I said, if you don't make this choice for yourself, who will? Each of us is responsible for our own lives. In the end, that is the reality we must face.

I wish you the very best of luck now, and in the future. Stay strong for yourself!

Kay

I agree with the point of view that your husband is just using BP as an excuse for his bad behaviour. I have Bipolar II and yes, I have participated in some risky sexual encounters over the years, but only when I was single and completely unattached. I would never cheat on a spouse.

You didn't mention in your post whether your husband was diagnosed with Bipolar I or Bipolar II? I am assuming he has Bipolar II because you haven't mentioned any psychosis. If this is indeed the case, than your husband is not cognitively impaired and he is well aware of the damage he is causing. You mentioned there is a long history of bad behaviour so kick the bum to the kerb!

I know it's hard to believe right now but you are better off without him. The only advice I can give you is to seek social and if necessary, professional support to help you deal with your grief. I am divorced so I know how difficult it is to move on with your life, but in time, you will feel better. Just no that you did nothing wrong and nobody deserves to be treated the way your husband has mistreated you.

Take care sweety.

I deeply loved someone for 8 years. Alcoholism and I believe Bipolar kept our relationship in limbo..but "intack" I believed. We were I thought the closest two people could get. I understood his struggles and believed one day we'd find 'our way'. We saw each other everyday...and everyday he told me he loved me except when he was on a drunk..those were my most heartbreaking sad times. I could not help him. Over and Over and Over in 8 years...but the last two were the worst. Many things happen the last two years that caused me to be less attentive when he was on a drunk. I prayed alot hoping not to lose my "best friend" (as in dying)....when he sobered up...we would go back to being the cute couple riding to and from work together. "loving" each other....then one day he didn't show at the park and ride....I feared he was on a bad drunk, went to his place, he had moved......a month later he was married to his work partner's (a woman)mate of ten years...I got an e-mail that stated "I am happily married now you need to move on".........words don't describe the emotional heartache and betrayal I felt....words are just words....I didn't see it coming...and he offered only a "I was lonely" excuse...all I could think was how lonely I always was when he went on his 3 - 4 week drunks....and how sad and depressed it felt....but, I never thought of leaving him...he needed someone to believe in him! My co-dependent "thinking" brought me nothing but pain for my 8 years of emotional investment. He had only been sober 2 months, and new to Prozac for one month. His wife...well, I guess knowing how I felt about him never entered her mind...I wonder now after 6 months of marriage to him..if it enters her mind now.

Also to add...many many symptoms described in these posts of Bipolar he displayed throughout the 8 years...it wasn't until the last 2 years I began to realize his Alcoholism perhaps was self medicating...as his other symptoms were so full of extreme behavior...Ups and Downs...financial crisis...blaming others...drama...immediate defensive ranting when confronted...cunning and manipulative (also a alcoholic trait) delussional regarding his abilities (lots of talk, no action)very dishonest and lack of quilt when doing so and many many more. What are the chances his Prozac has 'cured' him?