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Thanks for the pep talk. I'm working on "getting out there", but it's hard just going from the bed to the kitchen. I try and group my errands together and get them done once every one or two weeks. I bought $150 worth of groceries about a month ago and I'm still eating them (the cookies went first!)
I'm not hurting just because he "dumped" me first. I'm hurting because he purposely misled me, even though I told him that I'm very fragile and need to take things slow and feel secure. I'm hurting because everyone is blaming me - something I said or did - I pushed too hard, etc. And, I'm the one who caught HIM in the lies. I'm hurting because I "worked through" his issues that came up and made the decision that I still loved him and wanted to be with him, regardless of the fact that he lied to me and that things were not as he represented them. I was not going to "dump" him (not that I'd dump anyone - I don't handle myself that way). And, that he rejected me solely because I know what his deal is and brought it up to him. I confronted him about this "stuff" and wanted answers so that we could move forward. Granted, I could have been more tactful about it, but I was upset and suffering from sleep deprivation and feeling that he was acting "different" towards me. His "answer" was to never speak to me again.
This was the same man who told me that I was his "missing half" and his "true beloved" and asked me what kind of diamonds I liked, etc. He told me that he would make mistakes and wasn't perfect. Couldn't he understand that I make mistakes as well? His abruptly cutting off all communication was so diametrically opposite of what I had seen before, that it literally sent me into some kind of shock mode. Like post traumatic stress.
I'm much better now. But, for over a month I woke up with my heart pounding and my blood pressure was high. I shook and cried every day - all day and could not concentrate on anything - not a magazine, a book, a TV show - nothing!
This is not a guy who is going to show up drunk or stoned on anyone's doorstep - he will show up at the party in the fall that my friend there also goes to and he will have a fabulous new girlfriend or fiance and I will hear about it. His new practice will be going well and he will be "flush" again. She'll be wearing the religious necklace made to match the one he wears around his neck (the one he said we needed to go to a jewelry store and have them copy). And, then I will feel like sh*t, because I'll still be alone in my little house in another state.
And, please don't tell me that I'll meet someone else - I never do. The only way I will meet a nice man is if his wife dies, because the only nice men out there are widowers. The rest all have personality disorders, just like this guy does. I've only gone out with one normal man in the last 16 years and he really wasn't for me (nor was I for him - he dumped me and it was no big deal - so my issues now are not about being "dumped" - they are about feeling like I finally met my soulmate, only for it to have been a big ruse!)
I have a lot of work to do (haven't paid my bills in two months) and a sick mother whose care I need to manage (her caretaker and my 90 year old uncle have been doing it since I've been incapacitated by this). Luckily, my best friend and her daughter may be stopping by on Saturday for a few minutes, so I'll have some visitors. It's the holiday season and everyone is very busy with their families now, so I'm feeling particularly lonely. Especially because, just two months ago, my future seemed very bright and now everything is in the toilet again. And, what I "lost" wasn't even real!! He knows I'm not "bouncing back" - I told him how I reacted to the last man who did this to me. So he knows exactly how I'm taking this and he doesn't care. That is the hardest of all to take. That the man whom I trusted with my future is really some kind of run-of-the-mill narcissistic sociopath and I thought he was so special and I trusted him and his plans for us.
Posts: 146 | Location: u.s. | Registered: 11-17-2007
This is not a guy who is going to show up drunk or stoned on anyone's doorstep - he will show up at the party in the fall that my friend there also goes to and he will have a fabulous new girlfriend or fiance and I will hear about it. His new practice will be going well and he will be "flush" again.
Sometimes when we're hurting like this after being so carelessly and thoughtlessly dismissed by somebody we loved (and believed loved us back) it's very easy for our minds to wonder off and play games on us...at least in my experience. It's so easy to get caught up in that horrible fantasy that our ex is going to end up with some fabulous woman with a fabulous life and they will end up living happily ever after in their own fabulous world while we're left behind licking our wounds. This is an illusion; one that stems from fear and hurt and insecurity but an illusion nonetheless.
Shortly after mine disappeared and I was reeling from the hurt and shock of it all (because I, too, was his "soulmate") my cousin, who is never one to mince words, bluntly said to me, "Why do you think you're so important?" Hardly, I thought to myself, I felt completely rejected and far from important at that moment. She then pointed out, "If you think you're the first woman he's done this to, and if you think you're the last woman he's going to do this to, then you must think there's something special about you that you're making this all about you. It's not about you, it's about HIM."
Okay, obviously she was being very sarcastic in her message, but I have to say it worked. The point is that by automatically assuming he's going to end up with a fabulous new girlfriend or fiance on his arm, I think you're giving him waaay too much credit and not giving yourself any. You had mentioned before that you found e-mails or notes to some other woman that he was sweet talking as well. You have to wonder how many others he's strung along and then totally blew off for whatever reason. And even though you have friends who know him who might say "no, he's never done that", certainly they don't know EVERYTHING about him. Again, with this illness they can be quite deceitful and good manipulators. I mean look how many people on here have talked about their spouses whom they have lived with for years, and didn't find out about some of the lies and deceptions for a very long time. It's a pattern that will continue as long as he refuses to admit that he needs treatment. You think that some other woman is going to have that "magic touch" and miraculously turn him around into the man that he wants everybody to believe he is? I would say the chances are slim to none. He's going to stay with somebody only as long as they put up with the charade and either fail to see or just ignore the type of person he really is. Once his cover is blown, off he will go in search of his next "soulmate". You were sharp enough to see through his facade and take notice of all the inconsistencies, and you had the self confidence and courage to bring it to his attention. That's something to be proud of, not beat yourself up over. In my situation, and possibly yours too from things you've written, I think my guy saw my kindness, good nature and honesty (and yes, admitted skepticism and fear) as vulnerability, which he equated to naivite. And while I may have been naive to fall for everything he dished out in the beginning, I wasn't so naive that I didn't pick up on the lies and I wasn't so meak as to be afraid to call him on it. And that's something I feel good about. If that's the kind of woman he seeks...a pushover who will allow him to behave that way and not dare question him about it, then I was definitely not the woman for him...and vice-versa.
Sorry for the novel. I just hope you can find a way to beleive that this "great" life you imagine him having is not real. He is a tormented soul who most likely is never going to find happiness on his own, much less with somebody else. If anything, I would feel sorry for him AND for the next unsuspecting "victim" that comes into his life. Feel sorry for her, don't envy her.
When I broke up with my last boyfriend, I thought, he's miserable in his own skin (not BP, but other emotional problems) and whomever winds up with him will be miserable too. I was the one who broke up with him, but he pushed me away to cause it. Then I proceeded to cyber-stalk him for next three years. From what I can gather, he's had 3 girlfriends. The last one was a surgeon (and my guy had lied about even graduating from college) and I wondered how long it would take her to figure him out - she lived far away, so they only saw each other a couple of times a week and she lasted 6 months. Then, back on the web he went and found another one. The latest one's a rocket scientist - literally! But, not very cute - she reminds me of his mother. They've been together for more than a year now and they do lots of sports activities together - she was mainly looking for an activity partner (according to her dating profile). He's really cute and has the trappings of success (Porsche, SUV for sports, nice house, ski cabin, beach house - all provided by his rich parents), so I can see what she sees in him, but he used to be very into looks, so he must be settling for companionship. I remember telling my BP (?) guy that I held no ill will for my last boyfriend. I felt if he could find his "soulmate", then someone was out there for me - and now I've met him. I was so happy.
Meanwhile, my ex from 4 years ago wasn't nearly as bad as this BP guy was to me and some other girl is getting to go skiing and to the beach house while I have no where to go and no one to do anything with. So, he's living this fabulous life, albeit not with a fabulous woman. All my married friends are doing family activities and vacations and my single friends are busy screwing their brains out with 25 year old guys at Club Med.
I can't help thinking that if I had just kept my big mouth shut, I would be in another state now, going to parties, congregation activities and to his friend's house in Mexico for New Years. I don't think he's found anyone yet, because he's very busy with joint custody of his kids (and their disordered chaos) and he's busy on the dating website. He was on there for over three hours on Sunday emailing women - I was watching (and I'm sure he knows it). He's only been on a few weeks, but I'm sure he'll find someone either in his state or another to fly in and go on that couples trip to Mexico with him. I fell for more than just his words - he was perfect for me - and I was perfect for him - even my friends think that he'll never find anyone close to me with regard to compatibility. Well, the man he pretended to be was perfect for me ....
You're absolutely right - I had the courage and self-confidence to confront him about the inconsistencies I noticed. I should have been more tactful though. And, I can't help but feel I'm being punished for it. He hasn't blown anyone else off yet, I was the first. He just got divorced at the end of June and I was apparently the rebound girl (which I told him I was terrified of being).
I don't think someone else is going to change him into the perfect guy. No one is perfect, but I had decided even with his issues, that he was perfect for me. Unfortunately, he came to another conclusion once I knew what the real deal was. As long as I was blind to his issues, I was his angel. I think he's only seeing black and white right now and I'm now the devil because I spoke harshly to him. But, he's throwing away the woman he called his "missing half" over a few isolated incidents that took place in a two week period. It just doesn't make sense. A "normal" person wouldn't do that. I found out a lot of stuff when I went there, yet I didn't throw him away. I wanted to work things out and that's not always a "pretty" or fun thing to do. But, I have to face reality and he's NOT the man I thought he was. So, I'm essentially in love with the "fantasy" of who I thought he was. That is what is so hard to deal with - that's the Twilight Zone aspect of it.
I do think he's gonna be living a "fabulous" life while I'm hurting and miserable. He's in a good situation now for the first time in his life. By sheer luck, he was brought into a thriving practice with an incredible marketing and backup staff. He's a talented surgeon and well-known in his field - plus he is one of only three surgeons in the entire U.S. to do a new, specialized procedure. (He had been intermittently successful in the past - very successful, but he and his ex-wife blew every penny he ever made) He's going to do very well in this new practice (probably 1/2 mil a year at least!) and he will have another girlfriend right away - maybe she won't be as sharp as me, but maybe it'll work better for him that way. She'll probably be a lot younger than he is. In his area, there aren't a lot of attractive singles, so he's gonna be a "rock star" among them. He looks like George Clooney, has an Ivy League education and he's a surgeon. He can have his pick of all the women there. Of that I am sure. I still don't know why he picked me - he had access to all those women before me. The only thing I can think of is that he really doesn't have time to do the coffee and dinner dates. And, 5-6 months ago, he didn't have the money to be able to wine & dine them. Now he might. He really needs a girlfriend who is there for him when he needs her to be. I think he is very lonely - he used to call me so sad every night. I wish I could see into the future to see who he winds up with.
I still wonder why he flew me there and introduced me to everyone he knows only to dump me two months later. I also met his parents! What is he telling people?? I think he's telling them that I had issues with his kids (which was true, but I liked his kids - I didn't like the way he dealt with them - he wasn't acting like a parent).
I get the impression, Mystified, that you and your guy kinda stayed to yourselves - which makes more sense for someone with BP to do. Less to have to explain, I guess. Looking back on my life, I think I've dated around 10 men with varying degrees of BP - I used to call them "crazymakers". Compared with some of the others, this latest guy has a very mild case. After traveling to LONDON to be with one of my past guys, I discovered he had a 5 pack a day cigarette habit and was a raging alcoholic who got fired from every job he had in the U.S. and convinced his father that he needed to go to London and become a barrister. He was originally from my city and I knew him since he was 16 years old - we had reconnected through friends. He told me on my last day in London that I was the most amazing woman he had ever met and he can't believe that someone as terrific as me would care for him, yet he knew he would do something to f*ck it up. I burst out into tears. And, I went home and his prophesy came to fruition. That was in 1990. Yet another brilliant screw-up! And, my latest guy knew that whole story too. I told him everything.
Truth be told, even if he came back, how could I ever forgive him for what he did to me? And, he did it a week before my birthday yet! I"m just depressed because he got my hopes up - I had finally come to terms with the fact that I'm gonna be alone and then, out of nowhere, he got dropped in my lap and, right off the bat, we hit it off like gangbusters on the phone (same values, morals, future views, etc. - or maybe that was all a ruse too) and he started talking of love shortly after we met and two months later, he had me come out there to look at rental houses. You think you are safe when you are fixed up with a guy by people who know him personally. If he had been a guy I met on a dating site, I never would have trusted any of this.
My "friend" in another state who started all of this just sent me a a holiday card. She wrote, "May peace & happiness be yours throughout the holidays and the year ahead!" Is she oblivious to what I'm going through - the idiot is talking about peace and happiness and sending me cards with pics of her kids on the front. I could BARF! I'm gonna spend the next SEVERAL years alone and depressed wondering WTF happened here. Why this *sshole had to INFLICT himself on me? Why, when I said I didn't want to meet him (because IMO if he's available, he's dysfunctional), she INSISTED that I meet him? "Oh, he's a surgeon", she said. "He's smart, just like you", she said. "He's not like those guys you've been meeting in your city - people are different here", she said. I reminded her that he's only been in her state for 4 years and that no one really knows him there. She INSISTED that he was "such a nice guy" and that I just HAD to meet him. She's the one who blamed me for not "chilling" - she's the one who says I"m gonna be sorry when she calls me next fall to tell me that he's at her friend's party with his new girlfriend, wife, fiance (fill in the blank). And, now she's sending me stupid holiday cards talking about peace & happiness. I just want to scream!!!
UGH! He's been online now for an hour on a dating site. He's really playing up the "doctor" card - his primary picture shows him in surgical scrubs with the hat on and everything. He's a marketable commodity and I'm just crap that no one wanted because I wouldn't screw any of them. I really hate men right now - and to think that, just two months ago, I was on top of the world with everything to hope for. I thought I had finally found a man who truly cared about me - not just what was between my legs.
Oh, I'm having such a bad day today - have to go now, tears are falling all over my laptop keyboard. I want to call him - the old him - and tell him what this horrible guy is doing to me and I want him to console me and be there for me like he used to. Only that's not real. I don't know what is real anymore.
This would be so much easier for me if I knew anything about his history. Maybe he's a terrific guy and I brought this on myself. I did snoop - I read his outgoing text messages to find he was calling some girl "babe" and signing off "love, ________". I was in his computer when I found the letter to some girl in Paris that he had never even spoken to, where he told her that he saw her in his dreams before seeing her photo on the dating site. He backed up that statement with "Please don't think I am some kind of weirdo. There is so much we cannot explain, yet we know to be true". Like, what the hell does that mean, anyway?? These women were both a month before meeting me and nothing came of them, but it was weird seeing him converse with others using the same "tone" he was using with me. When I told him I knew about the French girl, that was the first time I saw the "ugly" voice come out of him. "Oh, Please", he said. I was in shock! I burst out into tears and said "if a 4'11" dark haired, bushy eyebrowed Moroccan girl is who you see in your dreams, what are you doing with me?" (I'm a tall, blonde, Christie Brinkley type.) His reply was, "She's 4'11"??" It was never the same with him after he knew that I had seen that.
When he asked for his "space", saying he had to "work things through" - he said what he needed to work through was "because of [my] history, I have a distrust and suspicion of [him] and my anger regarding the situation with his children". I was suspicious and distrusting from the beginning and told him it's not because of him - I don't trust anyone until they prove themselves to me. I told him my stories about men who had hurt me. And, he was moving VERY fast and putting a lot of pressure on me to be there with him - writing that "without you by my side, there is an enormous hole in my life", etc. But, I did snoop and it wasn't a good thing for me to do. And, I WAS angry about the way he interacted with his kids. He didn't have the warm relationship with them that he told me he did. He blamed everything on his ex-wife's manipulations and, once I got there, I realized that he's the problem, not his ex-wife.
He didn't take it too well when I told him that. I cited "chapter & verse" and gave examples. I told him that he has the money to spend on $700 worth of picture frames to cover the walls of his apartment with HUGE pictures of them, but not $35 to give his daughter to go to a concert?? I asked, "What is this, a narcissistic thing? Look at the pictures of my kids everywhere, but I don't attend their games or make any plans to do anything with them when I have them." Even though I was back home when I said that, I hadn't really slept in over 3 weeks and I was more than a little unstable at the time. Not my finest hour. Talk about confrontation! I also brought up the other women I had discovered and told him that I felt like 3rd choice. That I was the only idiot who believed his romantic bullsh*t and actually came there to be with him. He had invited the other two, but neither one came. He had told me that the one who he was text messaging was supposed to just be a sex fling. Now, this was a guy who supposedly wasn't interested in such things - or so he told me. When I brought that inconsistency up to him, he replied "well, that's what I thought I wanted right now - until I met you and then you were all I wanted". Then he dumped me two days later.
He had written on the dating website before he met me that he doesn't deserve to be "berated, denigrated or abused", so I got the impression that his wife must have been a bitch on wheels. But, here I was, berating him. Maybe his behavior is just so frustrating that he gets berated for a reason. I don't usually berate people. I had been very positive and supportive and sympathetic with him before going there and seeing with my own eyes what was really going on. I'm sure he could tell I was upset. I just wanted to make things better and felt that he was living in a dream world where he saw things with rose colored glasses and nothing was rosy! It was a disaster with no continuity. Those three kids are gonna be a mess when they grow up and I told him so.
Maybe I deserved to get dumped. But, he wasn't doing anything to make it better and just liked to do the "poor little me" thing and curry sympathy from everyone. Even me. Once I got there, though, I saw what was really going on and I tried to fix it. I tried to make pizza and sundae night for the kids and they didn't even show up. He went along with my ideas, though. I even made him attend his son's football game for the first time. I was just trying to prove myself to him - to show that I would make a good partner for him - so I wouldn't be just a rebound girl. I worked like a dog - returning all the stuff he had compulsive shopped over the last year. Got $1500 back for him that I guess he didn't appreciate. (That would have bought a lot of concert tickets for his daughter!) Made breakfast, lunch & dinner almost every day. Cleaned up from it too. Organized his disaster of a closet to prepare him to move into the house we were supposed to be renting. Also, prepared his daughter's futon for her to sleep on - made it up with fresh sheets. Ran around an unfamiliar city like a crazy person to get stuff for his daughter's Halloween costume, only to have her change her mind about what she wanted to wear the night before Halloween! NO one seemed to appreciate anything I did!
Maybe I put too much pressure on myself to perform? Maybe I put too much pressure on him? Maybe I should have just let him do nothing with his kids as usual? I was trying to show what a good wife I'd make. Maybe it was all just too much for him! MAYBE I DESERVED TO GET DUMPED? MAYBE I DESERVED THE SILENT TREATMENT I GOT? Why didn't he just talk to me and lay down the law about what could be changed and what couldn't? How do you throw away your "true beloved" (his words, not mine) without even trying to work it out?
I wish I knew if it was me or if there's something wrong with him. We got along great before my 2nd trip there, when I met his kids and discovered that he hadn't been completely honest with me about everything. Truth be told, if his description of his situation with his kids hadn't been so incongruous with the reality, I wouldn't have said anything. It was really none of my business. It was just so weird to hear him complain for two months about a situation that HE was actually creating. I don't know that I am ever gonna get over this. I've never cared so much for anyone or felt so connected to anyone before in my life. I really believed he was sent to me by the heavens. At least if he admitted he was BP, it would explain a lot of things and, in a way, exonerate me, not only in my mind, but in everyone else's. I didn't suspect BP until l read about it and realized that he has almost all the symptoms of hypomania (no drugs or alcohol and he doesn't have the time to screw around, so he just charms women in cyberspace). And, he once told me that a shrink suspected it. Plus, from what he told me about his brother, the brother is full-blown bipolar. And, so is one of his daughters. And, I think his ex-wife is too.
I've written a damn novel here! It's been a really, really bad day and night - sorry. I have no one to talk to - my friends are all busy with their lives and kids or out of town. I know there is really no help out there for me - this PTSD is gonna lift when it lifts. I'm gonna force myself to get dressed go to a party tomorrow night at my local congregation. I'm just so confused about what happened and I know I have to accept it and move on, but for some reason, I just can't.
This message has been edited. Last edited by: chattycathy,
Posts: 146 | Location: u.s. | Registered: 11-17-2007
I'm so sorry that you are in so much pain. But maybe you should look at it a different way. Aren't you glad that you found out sooner than later? What would have happened if you would have married him?? If I were you I would be glad that he is gone. When you live in fantasy world you are really setting yourself up for alot of pain. Once you realize what is reality you will still hurt and the days will get better. You did nothing wrong so stop blaming yourself. I don't want to offend you but something that a counselor told me before that has stuck with me and gives me strength is this: Anyone who loves someones who has such behavior that bps display is just as sick as the bp. At first I thought that was cruel for the couselor to say, but he was right. In all honestly and I can only speak from experience is that bp's don't like order in their life, they don't like kind, honest, people either. They seem to attract or be mostly attracted to people who are like them. The first time my husband and I separated which was for over a year he displayed so many behaviors that I didn't know existed. After we were back together I later found out that a woman he had a relationship with, was abusive to her kids and were removed from her home, she used drugs and alcohol, and she slept with people he thought were his friends. The fact that she contacted me several years after he and I had gotten back together let me know that she had some really serious issues and had obviously not moved on with her life. I couldn't believe that this was the kind of person he had chosen...but now that I realize what kind of person he is, and that he has bp it doesn't suprise me at all. The weird thing is this other woman was like him in that she blamed him for her sleeping around. She actually said that she slept around because she thought that he blamed her for me leaving him (she saw the depression,then normal behavior, then rage and the pattern) and because she knew he loved me. Little did she realize, or did I realize is that he was bp and she saw the same behavior that I saw. It was wrong for her to contact me, but at the same time she let me know his pattern of behavior didn't end with me. I suspect that she was probably bp also. I said all this because I won't you to know that YOU did nothing wrong but LOVE him. You do have to try to move on.
Thank you for answering my post. It makes me feel better to know that someone is out there witnessing what I am going through. I feel like I don't exist anymore. I feel devalued as a person after I tried so hard to prove my worth.
I know you are right. I could have married him and moved to a new state and gotten screwed. But I didn't see a lot of evidence of cruel behavior until he did this one thing - just cutting me out of his life with no discussion or explanation. He just stopped talking to me after leading me to believe that we were going to be married. He had always been very nice and understanding to me until I spent two weeks living with him in his state and began to notice inconsistencies. And, even after that, he was still pretty nice to me - albeit moody and not as reassuring has he had been. I could feel a distance growing and tried to discuss it with him when I was there, to no avail. If he had treated me badly, this would be a whole lot easier and I would have had no problem leaving HIM. I left my last boyfriend because he didn't treat me as well as I thought he should - and what that guy did was nothing compared to this silent treatment my latest guy is doing. However, as it turns out, they both have communication issues - this latest guy pretended that he didn't and even used to say how we had such incredible emotional intimacy. Yeah, where is that emotional intimacy now??
I wish a diagnosis had been made or admitted to, so would know that it was the BP and not my fault. I think he knows he as some kind of problem because after he calmed down from the outburst he had when I discovered his compulsive spending, he told me that his "ego is very low right now" and this is how he "acts out". To the outside world, he appears to be the most kind, sincere, calm and loving man. And, he appeared this way to me, at first. He would confide things in me - very personal things - and I felt like we were "simpatico". I got a few glimpses of "veiled hostility", which sent my antenna up, but thought he had a reason to be hostile - his wife had cheated on him and divorced him, the hospital he worked for went belly-up leaving him in a new state with no job and his wife made all their friends chose between him and her and they chose her.
From what I've heard about the wife, she is BP and that is probably why they were together so long - codependence. And, they were apart for periods of time (not maritally separated) by distance and her doing a lot of traveling. I knew it sounded fishy when she took the kids and moved across the country to a state where his new job wasn't gonna start for almost 2 years (they were just starting to build the hospital where he was gonna be chief of surgery). She left him in an apartment by himself in the freezing cold Midwest and came out to the Southwest, and he had to fly in every weekend to see his kids. I guess she liked being without him because within 2-1/2 years of him moving out West, the hospital where he worked went under and she got him out of the house and filed for divorce. She is no bimbo - she's an attorney and a nurse, but never really worked. And, she's from a wealthy family. They don't even speak now and they have three kids - they only use text messaging and email, which is why there is so much chaos and disorganization in his daily life. He says it''s "the life of a divorced surgeon", but his profession has nothing to do with it. His office is tightly run by the head doctor's staff and all he has to do is show up and do his operations - everything else is done for him.
I'm having a lot of trouble reconciling the guy I fell in love with and who he is turning out to be. Like two different people. I miss the first one. He loved me and would of protected me. The first one would have railed into the second one for treating me like this. I just can't wrap my head around it. I can't stop wondering if I hadn't had snooped or had that harsh conversation with him, would everything be like it was before?? Or would this strangeness have come out eventually anyway? And, why did he have his kids meet me if he wasn't sure about me?? Why put them through that?? Was it all a ruse to trick me into believing that he was serious - like looking at the rental houses? Was he just trying to get me to have sex with him before marriage? (That would explain a lot of this - including those huge photos of me all over his house after knowing me only a few weeks.)
I went to a local congregation activity last night and spent most of the time in the bathroom crying. It was hard to be among people I don't know and have to put on a happy face. I wound up only staying for a little over an hour. I just couldn't keep it together. And, I'm pretty sure that my ex-honey was out on a date and got "lucky" - I cyberstalk him and know his patterns so I can extrapolate his whereabouts.
I feel like I never existed to him and he led me to believe that I was so important in his life. That my happiness and well-being were so important to him. He used to say that he'd make lots of mistakes and that I needed to forgive him because nobody's perfect - everyone's gonna have something and what he has is not that bad. I guess when I called him on his "misrepresentations" and was kind of harsh about it, I became the devil and now he hates me, just like his ex-wife (who he called "the whore"). Meanwhile, if the kids want to be with her all the time, how bad can she be?
This message has been edited. Last edited by: chattycathy,
Posts: 146 | Location: u.s. | Registered: 11-17-2007
I'm sorry to say that I think that you are making things harder for yourself because you fail to accept the fact that your ex is a very dishonest and selfish person. Is that the kind of person you think is really perfect for you? Once you start accepting the truth of the matter it is easier to move on. Once I started looking at my life and my ex's life objectively I realized that had he not pretended to be someone that he knew he wasn't, I would have never even dated him let alone married him and had a child. Also if you are getting your information about what his wife was like all from him, I think that is quite questionable. After the first time I separated from my ex and we ended up back together about a year and a half later, I found out that he had told people all kinds of lies about me. The only people who believed him were people that didn't know me that well. He played like he was the victim and told people that I had ran off and left him for another man which was a lie. As people watched his behavior, they began to question it and realized that the things that he was saying about me were not true and that he was the one with the issues. As sad as it may be some people or maybe most with bp think its ok to lie to people, and they don't think twice about it. All they are concerned with is getting their needs met anyway they can. I know some one on this board said that bp's hurt, but from my experience my ex only hurts when he can't manipulate me. He had me thinking for years and years and years that he was going to get himself together.....he never did. Then afte being with him for over a decade he actually had the nerves to say that I'm inpatient. So I said after over a decade of your empty promises, lies, cheating, and not taking care of our kid you think I'm impatient?? I knew that there was no hope for him and I feel sorry for the next unlucky victim that crosses his path.
The info about his wife is from a third party, a woman who I'll call "M" (who was part of a couple that they were friends with), who knows both of them. She had been trying to get them back together again when the wife confided that she had been having an affair. The wife also wanted this big lifestyle that he had to maintain, but knowing him, I think he liked being the guy who provided it. Then the "house of cards" they had created fell down and the divorce happened. It sounded like a very disjointed life. In less than 5 years, they bought and sold two houses and rented one house together, then he rented two places and she rented one place and she just bought a new house. That's a lot of moving around. The wife made this couple choose between her and her ex-husband, who they would remain friends with. They were actually distant cousins of the wife, yet they chose HIM!
He and "M" are "best buddies" - "M" is his confidant and best friend, which he thought was "neat" - he said he related better to women than to men because women are more sensitive and emotional, like he is. I thought that it was weird for him to be better friends with "M" than with her husband. They are very prominent couple and I think he really got off on the prestige of being friends with them. We were supposed to be going to their house in Mexico for New Years with 2-3 other couples. He really didn't have any other friends. Like I said in another post, the only calls to his apt during the two weeks I was there were for me! We only got together with these "best friends" of his once and it was with another couple from the religious congregation. We went to a VERY expensive restaurant that I know he couldn't really afford and I ordered only an appetizer while he had a $40 entree plus extras.
During my first trip there in September (he came to me for Labor Day), I was sitting next to "M" and her family during congregation services (my guy was singing in the choir), when she saw his 12 year old son walk in alone. I was worried that the ex-wife might be there too (she wasn't) and "M" said "don't worry, I've got your back", to which I replied "oh, she can't be as bad as all that - after all, he's no dummy and he married and had children with her". She turned to me and told me that the ex-wife is awful and cheated on him and made him maintain an unaffordable lifestyle and that she knows about all of it first hand. (I was thinking that she only knows either one of them for 4 years, so how much could she really know?) She also told me that "tongues would be wagging as to who was the blonde (me) sitting with her family and obviously my guy because he was very attentive and affectionate with me in front of everyone. I thought great, so now I'm gonna be the topic of conversation for all these people I don't know - and now I wonder what he's gonna tell everyone when they ask about me or when they see him there with someone else? He has everyone there feeling sorry for him. Everyone thinks he's such a wonderful man. So involved with the congregation. On the committee for everything. Yeah, he's manic! He never saw his son that day - I guess the boy got a ride home with someone else - the wife had just dropped him off and left.
I guess I just don't want to accept the fact that he is dishonest. I want to believe that he was just too embarrassed to tell me the truth and left things out or unsaid to save face. I want to think that I screwed up by "rubbing his nose in it" and that if I had been more tactful, he'd still love me and I'd be moving there in January. I wanted to believe that I had finally met my soulmate and that someone finally really loved me and that everything I ever wanted was going to FINALLY come true (it wasn't perfect, but it was realistic and I thought he was a very special and good man). I was happy that my life as a "couple" was finally going to start. That we'd have ups and downs and that we'd brave them together and be there for each other, through thick and thin.
That's what he said he wanted. That's what he said his wife failed to give him. She never backed him up. She constantly berated and ridiculed him about everything from the kind of car he drove to his actual driving style to his clothes to his DVD collection to his personality, etc. Now, I don't think any of that was true, or without justification. I think they fed into one another's illness. He withdrew and she picked and the more she picked, the more he withdrew. I can see him doing that. If they both withdrew, they would have gotten divorced years ago.
Until my last trip there, I tried to build him up. I complimented him on everything and he responded in kind. He called me his "beautiful an-gel" He even did so on my phone machine after I returned. I don't know if he was vacillating about me or what. There were some rough times while I was in his city and then two harsh but honest phone calls once I got home and he just tuned out and disappeared.
He was selfish though. I thought his lack of funds explained a lot of it. Hard to detect at first, but he spent money on himself while being miserly toward his kids. He did things when it "showed". He bought me a $500 camera for my birthday when I think it's what he wanted. When I went to meet his parents, I insisted on stopping to buy them some pastries which I jumped out of the car and paid for. He didn't bring anything to my mother when he met her - nor was he concerned about bringing anything to his folks who he hadn't seen in months (they live in my city).
This message has been edited. Last edited by: chattycathy,
Posts: 146 | Location: u.s. | Registered: 11-17-2007
Givenup: What you said about once you start accepting the truth of the matter, it is easier to move on, is right on the money! Initially, for a couple months actually, I kept rehashing everything in my mind trying to make sense of it and was really missing the person I met, at least the person he made himself out to be in the beginning. But the more I started reading this and other BP support boards, everything started falling into place. Finally I had answers to all of the puzzling series of events that had transpired (I didn't know he had BP until well after the fact). I can't tell you how many times I sat here reading others' stories and my jaw would literally drop because some of the behaviors were not just similar, but IDENTICAL! Even some BP's responses to their S/O's were verbatim to things I was told. No kidding, if I had a dollar for everytime I said to myself "OMG, I can't believe it", I'd be treating myself to a Mediteranean cruise right now! So with every new post, my disappointment and hurt turned to anger and resentment, and eventually acceptance even to the point of being apathetic about him now. I just kept thinking what if things continued and I didn't find out about this until much farther down the road? When I consider how much he screwed with my head/heart in that short period of time, I realize what a nightmare it would have been had things continued.
And the other thing you said to CC about not believing everything he said about his marriage and his ex, I second that. Mine said some pretty demeaning and spiteful things about all of the ex-women in his life. I mean c'mon, could they ALL have been that bad? While I don't have any concrete evidence to confirm it, based on the fact that everything else he told me about himself was either blatantly false or greatly exaggerated, it seems logical to conclude that those other comments were too.
CC: I definitely agree with what Givenup has said. I understand everybody needs to heal in their own way and at their own pace, and I also know that you had quite a bit more invested with yours than I had with mine. I know that does make a big difference, really. I wish nothing more than for you to be able to see him and acknowledge him for what he REALLY is, and release the memory of the illusion that he created as being such a terrific catch, so that you can finally have peace in your heart. Remember, no matter how great he acted in the beginning, a good, decent, loving (and lovable) man would NEVER have behaved the way he did in the end. Just like mine, it was not only cowardly, but down right despicable. You simply do not treat other people that way and call yourself a good person. <stepping down from my soapbox now>
My best friend just stopped by to give me a present. She can never stay long as she lives 40 minutes away and has a family to take care of. It was good to have some company though.
I know what both of you have said is right. I just miss the "old" him - the "old" him would have punched out the "new" him for doing this to me. I never in a million years thought that he was capable of doing this to me. He was so sweet, so kind, so understanding, so thoughtful. I wake up every day not knowing what is real from what isn't. It's been such a "shock" to my system. My best friend, who I dragged him over to meet, is also in shock. She met him and thought he was a "doll". We all thought he was just taking a "time out" to get his head straight, but that he really did love me and would come back and proceed forward. No one knows what to believe. I don't understand why he took this to the extreme of meeting each other's parents and friends and looking at rental houses if he knew he was just gonna blow out of it. I guess with this disease, they really don't know they're going to blow out of it until they actually do it???
I thought it was very manic of him to start looking at rental houses with realtors. The same realtors who sold him and his wife 2 houses, rented her a house, sold her a house, rented him a house and rented him the condo where he's currently living. Maybe it was all about the wife hearing that he's moving in with someone?? Maybe it was all a set-up using me and the realtors to get at her??? You'd think a surgeon would have better things to do with his time. But, he was not over the wife, nor do I think she was over him. They hated each other and barely spoke.
Maybe my mind is just jumping to conclusions. In the light of his sudden disappearing act, nothing he ever said or did makes any sense. I'm afraid that I will never get over this unless I hear that he's been diagnosed BP or kills himself or gets committed or gets kicked out of the medical practice (his contract there is for 3 years) or something. Otherwise, I fear I may go crazier than I already am from ruminating about things. I don't understand how a 51 year old man can tune out like this. I mean, he sees patients and office staff every day - how come he can talk to them and appear normal, yet he won't have a conversation with me?
Mystified, your guy was still taking IM's from you when he told you he's bipolar, so he hadn't cut off all communication like mine did. I haven't heard from my guy AT ALL since he tuned out on November 8th. The only contact was when I called him to arrange the drop-off of my stuff and that was a 2 minute phone call and he sounded like a stranger. My last email to him was on November 25th, a couple of days after the drop-off. I don't know if he ever even received it - he may have me blocked from his email box for all I know.
Poof, just like you described! Gone into thin air - along with all my (and his) hopes and dreams for our future. He "communicated" with me on December 2nd when he posted that angry profile on the dating site that he knew I would see. Then, a week later he changed it to a really "touchy, feely" one where he says "I invite you to feel my aura". It's like he's turned into a different person. The guy I knew never spoke of auras or anything like that. It's weird. I just want him to "snap out of it" and go back to being the way he was before. Even with his issues, I still love the man I thought he was.
This message has been edited. Last edited by: chattycathy,
Posts: 146 | Location: u.s. | Registered: 11-17-2007
I promise not to jump back up on that soapbox again. LOL
Funny, I was just in the middle of typing a P.S. to you with a suggestion I was going to make, but then erased the whole thing becuase I thought it was possibly the worse advice I could give. However, now that I read your last entry and the part about me having contact with my ex after the fact, I'll give you the abbreviated (if that's possible) version.
Like you, I had tried several times to reach out to my guy after he disappeared. Our last conversation we had was by phone and that's when he was very terse, highly aggitated, and taking it out on me (I was trying to give him some positive encouragement because he was sooo withdrawn and feeling down). That's when he abruptly ended the conversation. By that point, I was used to him disappearing for a day or two at a time, so at first I didn't think much of it. After several days, though, I started to get concerned. I left him several messages apologizing to HIM for asking so many questions (not questions about his behavior, mind you, but questions about whether he had tried different things to help get him out of his "funk"). I even sent him a card by mail telling him that I still loved him and that I was there for him if he needed (what a waste of a stamp!) and that he didn't have to go through this alone, etc. etc. Nothing! After about a week and a half, I stopped humiliating myself.
Here's my take on it: He had admitted to me before that he had "tested" me, but yet "not really testing, he was just trying to see if I was real, because of how many women burned him" in the past. Ahem....
I think he was waiting it out, trying to see how long I would continue to pursue him. Apparently I failed that test miserably because I stopped after a week and a half (at which point he was back in full swing on the dating sites).
Many others have said how BP's (those untreated or unwilling to admit they have an illness) like to be in control; they like to be the ones calling the shots and manipulating others in order to feel a sense of power in their otherwise powerless lives. When I quit trying, he probably realized he had no more power over me so he moved on to find the next victim.
It was exactly two months later when I saw him online and decided, what the heck. I sent him an IM but it was very neutral. I just said "Hi, I don't know that you'll even respond but I thought I'd say hello. I hope things are going well for you, take care." Seconds later he responded and I was actually shocked! He was rather polite but with a very cool, almost mechanical tone, absent of any sense of emotion. But I thought "Good, we have contact, this is progress!" He then apologized for his "behavior" and that's when he told me he has bipolar. I didn't really know much about it at the time, but even then, I suddenly found myself "walking on eggshells again". The conversation switched gears and he actually started loosening up a bit (but he began rambling about all kinds of weird minutia). He was the one who brought up his illness again later in the conversation, at which point I very gingerly asked him a question. In fact, I even prefaced it by saying "Do you mind if I ask you something about it?" He said "No, go ahead and ask." As soon as I did, he shot back a one-word reply and then said he had to go. Period. That was that.
But yes, I do feel I was able to get the closure I needed because that's when I started getting on the boards and reading all about this devastating illness, and it answered so many questions about his mysterios transformation from Mr. Wonderful to Lucipher!
I have absolutely no idea what motivated him to respond to that last IM. Maybe it's because a few months had passed coupled with the fact that my greeting was non-threatening to him. Or maybe he was just having a dry spell on the dating sites and he was bored so he decided to respond. Who knows? Who cares!
Here I sit, alone on Saturday night, forcing myself to sit at my desk and at least LOOK at my bills that haven't been paid in 2 months. It's so hard to concentrate on anything. Thoughts of him, what he's doing, why he did this to me, etc. keep clouding my otherwise sharp mind.
I appreciate your story, even if it is the abbreviated version. I would have like to have read the long version. Anything that can help me understand this is welcome.
Your guy was still talking to you, albeit in a terse fashion. Mine doesn't even TALK! The one conversation we had about exchanging stuff was one word answers to questions or just dead silence. Sooo different from the emotional, communicative guy he had always been in the past. This guy went from being "Mr. Understanding" to Lucifer in just two days. On November 6th he was trying to make me laugh because I was upset and on November 8th, he was someone else.
Well, during that Nov. 6 phone call, I did uninvite his kids from my house on Thanksgiving because with 2 months notice he still couldn't get them to commit. But, that wasn't all - I could feel him pulling away when I was still in his city on the last trip. Once I found where the "bodies were buried", things became different between us. I thought we'd be stronger, but he didn't love me as much (if he ever loved me at all) and I could tell. He was still calling me his "an-gel", but it sounded like lip service. He also seemed kind of oblivious to the fact that I was even there. All of this was making me very stressed and I don't even know how I made the 6 hour drive home by myself. I'm now wondering if he was cycling out of the hypomania into some sort of depression. Well, if he was, he's recovered now - and asking women to "feel his aura". LOL
When I didn't hear from him by my birthday the following week, I saw the handwriting on the wall. I knew that whatever he needed to "work through" was done and I was OUT. I emailed him and regurgitated some of the flowery things he had said to me (and written) and told him that I was having trouble reconciling the man who wrote me these things with the man he has become. I told him that I was so hurt that I felt it in a visceral sense and that I don't think I will ever get over this. I told him that I could fly there to pick up my stuff at his place and give him the $1000 worth of credit slips that I had for all the returns of his I did when I was there (I had taken them home for safekeeping cuz his desk and life were such a mess). He shot back a terse note saying that I could let myself in with my key (that he pushed on me) and do the exchange. He did not address any other other portions of my email accept to say that his mother had had a stroke, his patient was tanking and he was "having trouble coping with events" and "needed to think and try to regroup". (Whatever that means) He said he didn't know how long this would take. I emailed him back a lovely note expressing sympathy for him and telling him that he could call me to talk like he used to - that I wanted to be his "safe haven" again. No response.
I wound up sending him another email because he was supposed to come here for Thanksgiving and I thought he could just put my things in his car and bring them to me. I was way too upset to fly to another state to pick up $300 worth of incidentals. He shot back a two line email saying he'd do it and we'd make arrangements after he got here. Then, after he had been here for two days and I didn't hear from him, I called him on his cell. He mentioned something about not having internet access (which is bullsh*t). That was the day after Thanksgiving (Nov. 23) and was the last time I heard his voice. I said "do you have any idea how much this is hurting me?" He replied "I'm sorry" in a dead tone. Who was this mean, cold, horrid man and where was my guy? It was like talking to a stranger and I am welling up with tears just from recalling it. It's been almost two months and I just can't stop crying.
What hurts the most is that he knows full well what this is doing to me. I wouldn't even so much as kiss him after he flew out the first time to meet me. He tried several times, but I burst out into tears saying that I've been so hurt in the past by men with personality disorders who pretended to be nice that it's gonna take me a while to open up to him in that way. I apologized and told him that it's not him, that I found him very attractive, but that when I give affection it is real and from my heart and that doesn't come instantly. On his second night here (he stayed with his sister), we watched a DVD at my house ( I put out a spread of finger foods for dinner) and the man was all over me while we were sitting on the couch. Arms around me, hugging me, kissing my shoulder, my hand, stroking my arm. And, it was 110 degrees and humid in my house (we were having a heat wave). I later told him in an email, that this degree of instantaneous affection was WAY out of my comfort zone, but that I went along because I didn't want to offend him. I didn't even kiss him until after I flew into his city and had been there with him for two days. He paraded me around like a shiny new toy, his new significant other - and HE HADN'T EVEN KISSED ME YET! When I left, he asked if I would keep my light up makeup mirror at his house, so that when I came back, I wouldn't have to drag it on the airplane again. I thought, this man really means business - he wants me to leave stuff at his house? I left it there.
On my second and last trip there, supposedly to look at the rental houses and meet his kids, I told him that I was still very scared that he was going too fast and I would be the rebound girl and he said "You're my an-gel. I'd never let you fall". And, here I sit at the bottom of the pit he threw me down. How could he do this, knowing what it would do to me? I had told him that I never could go back to work full-time after the guy 14 years ago did this to me. I told him that the other guy ruined my life. That I have not been the same since. That I have never fully recovered. And he knows all of this too. I told him everything there was to know about me. How does one human being do this to another and not feel anything? He seemed so sweet and kind.
And, I still cry for the "old" him - I miss the "nice" him something awful. My last email (Nov 24/25) was a huge apology on my part for questioning and berating him - I even quoted bible verse which I thought would appeal to him. I told him that I missed him. I told him that I thought we connected as friends and that if I no longer "float his boat" that he can find someone who dies. Just please end this silent war he's having with me. I reminded him of all the good and thoughtful things I did for him. I told him that I love him as a human being - it doesn't have to be a romantic thing. No response.
EVEN AS I WRITE THIS, I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE THAT THIS HAS HAPPENED!!! I AM STILL IN SHOCK (although my blood pressure is finally down to normal - it was through the roof for 4 weeks - I could have had a stroke!) This happened to me to this degree once before with a man, but he was never very communicative, so I watch out for that trait now. That's how I was fooled. This guy was SO empathetic (you should read what some patients say about him - it's either that he's "robotic" or he had "tears in his eyes" and "really cares") and SO loving and SO understanding and SO sweet. And, on top of it, he's a gorgeous surgeon! He was just too good to be true.
He was out last night and appears to be out again tonight. I guess he's workin' that dating site like the "rock star" that he is on there. Not only is he an Ivy-league educated doctor, but he's a talented writer and singer as well and he's athletic with a nice body. The perfect package. I couldn't believe how lucky I was. I welled up with tears as I told his mother that "he's one in 10 million and I'm so lucky that his stupid wife left him". Me, I'm sitting here in my bathrobe, alone with my dogs. Haven't eaten again all day. I did, however, make it from my bed to my desk, which is more than I have been able to do for the last 3 weeks. And, he's out probably charming some unsuspecting woman, spending money that he doesn't have. The entire time we were together, we barely went anywhere. He had confided his financial troubles in me and I didn't want him spending money unnecessarily. I cooked for him not only in his city, but in mine. Boy - if I ever do decide to date again, whomever meets me is gonna wine and dine me - no matter how much they complain about their finances!! I am DONE playing Martha Friggin' Stewart!!
This message has been edited. Last edited by: chattycathy,
Bipolar Community 
However, now that I read your last entry and the part about me having contact with my ex after the fact, I'll give you the abbreviated (if that's possible) version.