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Haven't posted in awhile, since it seems this forum goes really quiet sometimes. Anyway, I really need some advice if someone is out there.
I have posted on here before, but basically I am separated from my BP husband, due to all the usual behaviors from him. After 12 years of marriage to him with all his partying, drinking, infidelity, irresponsbility etc. etc. etc., I ended up in an affair which I deeply regret but it happened. I separated from my husband because the affair made me realize how unhappy I was and how my whole life had been taken over by him and his illness and behavior. I am now in a relationship with someone else who I met after our separation, and during a time when he was seeing another woman. Anyway, a short time later she ditched him. At that point he started trying to get back with me and started to go into a downward spiral of depression resulting in me having to have him hospitalized a couple of weeks ago. He's back at work, but only just barely. He is seeing the doc and going to therapy now, but this is the first time he has ever really taken this seriously. However, this morning he calls me saying he can't go to work and that he needs to say things to me but those things make him upset. I know he wants to try to reconcile, but I am not sure I want that and I also have this other relationship to think about. He said he can't handle us being separated and he is so lonely and can't look after himself etc. etc. I told him I would be glad to go to counselling with him, which I have always said I would do if he wanted to, but that I felt that right now maybe wasn't the best time. I said that since he is in a depressive episode, that I didn't know if this was the best time to try to sort out our marital problems. At the same time, I know that part of what is keeping him depressed is our marital problems. So, I am back to feeling incredibly guilty, feeling as though I am largely to blame for his breakdown, and I don't know how to move forward with this.
Thanks for listening all, and any advice would be very welcome.
DR, you know this is not your fault. And, honestly I am applauding you for your decision to seperate and try to bring stability to your life. I think that when we are in the midst of this we can't see or think straight. When I think of some of the things I've said and thought and done -- that are out of character for me-- it makes me realize how hard I am reaching out for something stable. My opinion -- for what little it is worth, is that he needs to work through this on his own. You have offered to go to counseling -- but you know that what he really wants is to drag you back into that mess so you can be miserable with him. You won't be doing yourself any good by doing that -- and you can't do him any good that way either.
My husband is currently attempting to make me feel guilty for his current state of extreme anxiety. He does not believe anything is wrong with him aside from a little depression. He has been self-medicating (increasing his dose) of prozac "because of the stress I have created in our relationship" -- and all of his anxiety issues are because of problems in our relationship -- because of me. He's not sleeping, not eating, ill to his stomach and all and all acting very manic -- but it is because of the damage *I* have done to our relationship. I have had three sources tell me that I will probably need to leave or legally seperate for him to finally seek help. My greatest fear is that if I leave, I don't believe I will want to come back. Because, if I get a real taste for what life is like "on the outside" I don't think I'll risk returning to this -- even if he does seek help. Talk about feeling guilty... SC
Oh yes, believe me, if you do separate from him, you are exactly right, you won't want to go back. I don't want to go back, I just have trouble dealing with the guilt of the whole thing. I know it isn't my fault, but I still feel like I am deserting someone who is ill, would you desert someone who has cancer? I absolutely do not want to go back to the relatinoship the way it was, and I see no reason to believe that anything would change, at least at the moment. I do think that he is starting to realize what a mess he has made of everything, but I don't know that he has the interest or fortitude to really take control of his life and turn it around. You are right though, even if he did, would I risk going back? I don't know. Why is this guilt so huge?
I want to thank you all for just posting on this site. I just got on here today and just reading about others going through what I am going through is helping me realize it is not me...
