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I have been reading the archived messages for several weeks now, trying to find comfort from other people's experiences with a BP spouse. I am posting today because it has been particularly difficult for me the past few days.
My story is that I have been married to my husband for 8 years. We had a very loving, happy relationship. I won't pretend that it was problem-free, because we had issues like any other couple, but I knew that we loved each other, we got along wonderfully and we had a bright future.
Or so I thought.
A few months ago I came home from work like usual to have my husband tell me, out of absolutely nowhere, that he was unhappy with our marriage and was leaving me. I was so shocked, stunned and devastated (where had this come from?? the day before we had been out and had a wonderful day together, making plans for our next vacation) that I literally collapsed on the floor.
The next day he told me he didn't know what he wanted, and that he felt suicidal. He agreed to get help and we found him a therapist who could see him immediately. She diagnosed him as BP I with rapid cycling moods.
Im the initial rush after diagnosis he was manic, and agreed that we should work on our marriage and try to stay together. By the point we were supposed to start counseling, he had become depressed and said he couldn't work on our relationship until he dealt with his own issues.
More weeks passed. Any time I brought up our marriage he used it as proof that I wasn't giving him the space he needed and that our marriage was bad for his illness. He decided he never wanted to be medicated and that the only way he could ever deal with his illness was to be alone. He is in the process of separating our finances, filing for divorce and moving out.
I am absolutely in a state of shock from all of this. It has all been so unexpected, so up and down, that I simply do not know what to think or feel. I go back and forth from being absolutely devastated at the loss of our marriage, which really was happy, to feeling like I should be relieved because he is not the same person he was even a few months ago and knowing that he would only get worse with time.
Today is a bad day where I just think over and over that it does not have to be this way, that we were happy once and could be again, and wondering why he can't or won't see that. I know this is crazy thinking on my part and that I am likely better off in the long run, but it is an impossible situation, since to me this has come out of nowhere and is completely unprovoked. How can someone love you more than life itself one day and then suddenly decide they want a divorce? I will never understand. I only hope I can get through this and move on with my own life in time.
This sounds terrible. It is. I wish there was something to tell you that could help.
Basically the same thing happened to me 5 years ago - except I am male and wife moved out unexpectedly. I have a lot of posts on here.
I never understood either. Doubt I ever will. But I have come to accept it all and move on to a new life. There is some tough stuff to go through first but you will also get to a new life.
A piece of advice for you that I got from someone else: Be the one who files for divorce - don't be the recipient of the divorce filing. Depending on the law where you are, you may already have grounds if you need them and if you are in a no-fault area you may not need them. If you are the one who files first you get to set the rules of the discussion in court. You get to put the topics on the table and the other person needs to respond. You set the agenda. In a court, thats a huge advantage. Get yourself a lawyer and some good advice for your area and consider whether you should be the first to file a divorce claim.
Emotionally this is very hard when you aren't the one who wanted it in the first place. But responding to a bp person's motions and statements in court will be much worse.
Take care Rose. I feel so sad for you (because I have been there and know how it feels). But you can come through it if you are strong. Life will be good again in time.
