Bipolar Depression

My husband and I have been married for 25 years. He is a functioning alcoholic and has problems with prescribed pain killers due to an accident he was involved with in 1995. I tell you this not to blame him for what I did but, instead just to be truthful. I'm sure I'm no picnic to live with either. He has a friend that I have been close to for about 10 years on and off. This man was not like his other friends, there was something different about him,something I couldn't quite put my finger on. He was distant, moody but ,at the same time very creative and interesting.He and I became close and he confided in me that he suffered from depression.I grew up in a family that was very familiar with mood disorders and because of this it was very easy for him to talk to me about his problems, though I see now he didn't tell me everything. He never lived in one place very long, never had long term realtionships but, he and I remained close anyway. Last May he moved out of state again. We stayed in touch via e-mail,texting and phone calls. As my husband began to spiral out of control "the friend" and I became closer. I guess it was easy to hide his bipolar since we weren't seeing each other face to face.Someitmes he would be so "up" when we talked that he would pull me up with him. He had great plans and was so excited and interesting. I think we both begin to have feelings for each other.He began to say things like "I can't ever live with anyone again" even though I never mentioned having that kind of relationship with him.I couldn't get my husband to seek treatment for his problems and "the friend" knew I was thinking about a divorce , he was one of a few people I could confide in. The more often we spoke the more I begin to see his moods swing. I still had no idea it was bipolar that he was covering up . He planned to come home this spring to see family and collect some of his things. We had decided to meet each other (alone) for the first time. Two weeks before he came he got angry with me on the phone..honestly I'm still not sure what set him off,(he called at a bad time. I had been out of town and my huband had been drinking the entire time. My daughter had also quit taking her meds for OCD)I noticed after a few days that he had stopped calling, so I called him..he wouldn't answer the phone (only voice mail)he never called be back. I left apolgies if I had said anything that mad him angry..still no reply. After 2 weeks of groveling I sent him a text saying that I wouldn't bother him anymore and again I was sorry for anything that I may had done to upset him..then I said goodbye. Two weeks later he was found dead in his car.He had slit his wrists. I found out at his funeral from a relative that he was bipolar and not taking his meds. He was also involved in a visitation problem with his ex about their child. He never told me about any of this. I feel as though I never really new him..all this time and he never said "bipolar". I can't believe I didn't see it. I would have done anything I could if I had known. I feel so responsible. I miss him so much.

Pisces:

I'm so sorry to hear about your story. But please understand that you're not responsible for this. I know how you would feel that, but you're ABSOLUTELY not responsible.

As you see from reading these posts, many of us are dealing with spouses or SO's not taking care of themselves, and we're left trying to figure everything out. It drives us crazy if we let it. You can't make someone take their medication, accept that they have an illness, and take care of themselves to not fall into an episode. Only they can do that, we can only help if they let us. Many of them do not allow their loved ones to help because they view our help as a weakness of themselves. My BP completely shut out everyone who loves him and who knows he has the disorder. He, too, refuses to answer his cell phone from his loved ones. I worry terribly about him each and every day. But I know I didn't cause the illness or episode, and I can't fix it. Only he can control it w/ proper meds and not drinking or drugging. He isn't there yet and maybe never will be.

I've also learned that a stressful event can trigger an episode. From what you wrote, it may have been his ex and the visitation problem that overwhelmed him, not you.

I'd encourage you to read other posts here. Most people have been living with a bipolar for many years and have learned alot of valuable lessons. It may comfort you to hear their stories, and learn what we've already learned.....it is not our fault.

Take care.

Karen, Thank you for your kind words. It's very difficult to explain the relationship to anyone because people want to dwell on my infedelity instead of the lose of someone that meant the world to me and the horrible memory of the way he died. Your right, reading these posts have given me some insight into the illness he was trying so hard to cover up. He helped me to deal with my families situation so much, I just wish he had trusted me enough to tell me about what he was going through. Again, thank you so much for replying.