Bipolar Depression

Mostly just needed to vent tonight...sorry...
I think we may be in a manic phase. Thursday night I was hit with the guilt trip because I was leaving for day Friday to go on a climbing trip with friends I work with part time at a climbing gym. And, yes, most of them are men -- an issue since I started working there 9 months ago when the facility opened. Of course, he always has the invitation to go along -- and won't. He even has the most expensive top of the line climbing gear (far better than mine) -- which he has used twice??? So...After three beers he proceeds to tell the girls (ages 4&6) that Mommy doesn't love Daddy and Mommy loves her friends and her hobbies more than Daddy and her daughters. Let's keeep in mind, he just got back from 6 days in San Diego at a convention -- business/pleasure!! I couldn't even believe what I was hearing him tell the girls. How could he warp them that way? How terrible?!

I was so thrilled to be gone for the day. It was fantastic. Felt like a ton had been lifted off my shoulders. Got home adn he was sweet as could be...knew something was coming. Yup..."Why didn't you call"...well, we have no reception in the mountains, which you already know...I called on my way home when I had reception. Then I was hit with questions about calls that had come in on call id while he was in SanDiego...a florist called (Huh, I have no idea...) A local hotel called...(Seriously, no clue) And, surely we were on the subject that I must be having an affair. On and on with this crazy string of "facts" that adds up to a guilty verdict for me.

Yesterday he decided he wants to start biking again...uh, he hasn't biked in 10 years, but now he wants to take it up? Oh, and guitar lessons too...never touched the expensive guitar he bought 6 years ago because he decided he needed one. Uh, and the sex drive is through the roof this weekend.

Tonight we were back on the affair issue -- because he found emails that PROVE I'm having an affair with my co-worker (who is married with two children)He plans to present these to to the Psych at our first appt in a couple weeks to prove I'm the crazy one. At this point, I'm feeling like beating my head against a wall as he again keeps telling me how I don't love him.

Then he proceeds to tell me he has removed my name from our primary checking account so he can have better control and inhibit this "secret life" I'm leading. He is the primary income and my part-time job pays very little (I also have spent three years running a start-up business -- HIS IDEA -- that is killing us financially for which I do not draw any pay) He had the nerve to ask what bills I plan to pay with my part-time job. I'm so insulted. Then asked me if I "still loved him" knowing that he had taken away my access to money. And, why won't I snuggle and show him some affection? After all, I love him, right? Oh how my head hurts from beating it against the wall. Thank goodness I convinced him to go out Saturday night with a group of people I work/climb with -- who he is also "friends" with, where I proceeded to get really hammered. It was marvelous until one of the guys who I am supposedly having an affair with showed up. I understand that my "eyes just lit up when I saw him" and it was obvious how I feel about him. Wonder if his wife noticed that...huh...Ah well, I was hammered... and feeling little pain. Perhaps that is the moral to the story. When my antidepressants aren't quite killing the pain -- turn to alcohol, right? But, really...I swear I live in the twilight zone. I just want to stop and ask if this is real -- can he really believe what he is saying? He told me tonight that so many people are blind-sided by affairs beause the don't see the clues -- HE SEES all the clues and he KNOWS what is going on. Jeesh. I wish I did...

Wow! I'm really sorry you have to go through that. I'm not on the receiving end of that stuff because I'm the bipolar one. I hope he gets help and sees what he has done. By the time that happens I hope it won't be too late for you to forgive.