Bipolar Depression

SORRY THIS IS SO LONG PLEASE SOMEONE TAKE THE TIME TO READ.


Ok, so I've been with this guy for about 7 months now. And lets just say beyond his bipolar, he's amazing. He does everything and anything for me, is completely faithful, drop dead gorgeous, smart in school, loves my family, loves me, and wants to be with me every minute of everyday and says he wants it this way forever. I learned about his bipolar quickly in our relationship, we've spent basically everyday together practically living together.

He comes from a very harsh background, his mother was a druggy, his father walked out on him, so did his brothers father, and his mom would always be with men that would physically abuse him. He didn't always live with his mother either he was tossed around. Well now he's living with his mother, and I can tell that these childhood issues have had longterm affects that play along with his bipolar.

What ticks him off is when people get any tone of voice with him, or when they don't give him eye contact, or aren't listening, or when he is left alone. He is so irritated and devastated. Ofcourse, I know he's hurt by these things, when I do it or his family, but he acts out of anger. Horrible anger. He says horrible things to me. He is very controlling. It's not just arguments though.

There have been several occasions, where he has pushed me out of my chair or where i tried to protect myself with my legs and he would punch my legs leaving me bruises, several occasions where he has slapped me. He's punched me in the face twice when he thought i was cheating on him when an old friend called.(which i wasn't) Everytime he has hit me, it's a reasonable time for a couple to argue, but the thing is the normal arguing I've done with every other human being, predictably because of his bipolar escalates to us breaking up or him hitting me or him crying. then moments later apologizing and reflecting on himself.

An occassion was when his sister was visiting and me and her didn't get along. She was there in the room with us and was being indirectly very rude to me. She left for a minute and I had told my bf that I was going to go home because I didn't feel comfortable. He got very offended and said that I didn't care enough to spend time with him or endure it. This was predictable for his feelings to get hurt this way but when I tried to leave he pushed me on the floor and pulled my hair. Then he threatened me with a knife, although I knew he wouldn't do it, i still provoked him and ofcourse I was slapped. I provoked him by just arguing back. Ofcourse thats not smart with a bipolar person.

Another example, the other day I was there after work with him, and my dad called, i entered the room with his brother and he was on the phone with my dad, i started talking to his brother, but then as soon as he hung up the phone he jumped up and punched his brother and screamed at him saying that he just lied to my dad saying i was in the bathroom and would call him back and now he heard me talking in the background. Then he punched me in the arm. His brother left the room annoyed by his impulsive anger saying he how was he supposed to know. Then after his brother left, my bf slapped me in the face with my head hitting the tv corner. After that stopped for a second and thought about what he had done, then grabbed me clenching me hugging me and crying and said he didn't want to hurt me.

Everytime he hits me he feels horrible afterwards. He says he doesn't want to be the men that his mother was with. He begs me not to leave him, even when I didn't threaten him to. I know I am wrong because I provoke him. I shouldn't argue back. When he is agitated with me i should just leave it alone and not get defensive. I feel so horrible because in the end he is the one that is ashamed that he hit me and feels so low. No longer am I the one that has to apologize so he loses all grounds that his feelings were hurt in the 1st place. I shouldve just apologized.

BUT IT IS SO HARD. It's so hard to be an understanding dr. phil saint with his bipolar. I know I should help him since he's trying so hard to control it. He tries it's not that he hits me everytime we argue if he didn't control it he would but... its still too much. I love him so much I see the pesron he is behind his anger.I nkow that when he lashes out, it's easily fixed with a hug, but sometimes my humanly trivial instinct wants to win and i provoke him.



but then again... idk even if i do put up with it should I be with him??? i guess it's kind've under my control to how far our arguments go. But i shouldn't tell myself I asking for a slap to the face. I want to be with him I just don't know how I'm going to deal with this much longer, I think he's worth it. But then I think what if my mother saw this? Should i put myself in this situation. The pesron he is behind the bipolar is it worth being hit? or am i sacrificing myself too much? am i selfish to even ask that? is there motivation or a mindset i can have to deal with this so i don't have to lose him or my self respect? even if i do leave him, i'm afraid for him. He's so emotionally dependant on me. The other day he thought i cheated on him, and i admit when we 1st were together i coudn't handle his mooods much less had a reason too since i hardly knew the real person behind it and i almost broke up with him for another guy but i ddin't... and now anytime i talk to a guy he flips. well just because i talked toa guy friend like i said earlier he flipped out and cried sobbing to me. he acts out of anger but i still nkow that he is scared as hell not to hvae me. but i'm so tired of being strong for the both of us. i'm tired of him being so controlling and manipulative. i'm tired that i'm the only one trying to understand his moods and he has to rely on me more than anyone even his family. i mean it's worth it to me but it's SO HARD. what about me? i lvoe this guy but it doesn't make everything better i wish it did. alot of peopl ethink that i'm his bitch or something just because i let him yell at me on occassion and don't yell back. they don't understand his bipolar but is it really his bipolar doing allthis?

is this normal for it to be an excuse for everything? i seem to be the only one around him that finds it ok... no matter what he does. but it seems that i'm the only one he takes it to these extreme measures with. i mean we all take out our anger on those we care abou tmost but is this ok???

i also make it worse alot because since he has hit me on occassion before, when we do argue, even when he doesn't want to hit me, i still flinch or try to back away from him in fear, he seees this an is ashamed but also angry because i'm backing away. and it makes him want to hit me sinc ei'm only angering him more. like today for example, he was pushing my arms behind my back and i pushed him away. i angrily told him he was hurting me and just to get away. i told him i was tired of him hurting me. and i couldn't take it anymore. he just looked at me and walked away. he was just there in his room staring off, i felt horrible.

sometimes... optimistically i kinda think that maybe i am meant to understand him. noone else around him does, and i try to. i think i do sometimes. i see the truth behind his anger and it makes me want to hav more patience and see things more in perspective. but sometimes i also think, maybe he's with me only because i undestand him or put up with it or noone will. this makes me very insecure and vain.


and if i'm not strong enough, what if i cant take it. or can for a little longer, then just can't, whats gonig to happen to him. i know he's so afraid of those he loves letting him down and hes putting all his trust in me... i can't leave him alone. but i also want to do my own thing i want to be happy i want to go to the military or something, idk if i can commit to him and his needs emotionally and psychologically idk

sometimes i selfishly want to be with a person without this illness. it would be easier. but... i don't think i'll ever find someone like him... i really want to make this work. it's not his fault and besides the bipolar and anger, he's amazing. hes so loving, and caring. behind all this confusion with emotion, he just wants to be loved. oh this paragraph makes him sound so horrible but trust me he's really kind and gentle. hes just frail and has been hurt alot. he's always on the guard ready to defend himself. like everyones out to get him. he's so kind beneath it all. he's rough but so frail at the same time. should i love him no matter what? should I set a standard should I make him control it more? WHAT DO I DO i want to make this work more than anything in the world


sorry it's so long someone please help me.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: fleetwood,

I'm sure you'll get a million more responses like mine, but here goes:

You absolutely need to leave this man and this "relationship". It will only get worse, trust me. My ex BP became physically violent after being officially diagnosed about 2 years into our relationship. The first time was a hard push to the ground, and it escalated from there. He, too, said how horrible he felt afterwards, but never seemed to care how I felt about it.

You're not "meant to understand him". You don't have to. You have to protect yourself, your self-esteem, your dignity. There is no excuse, NONE, that allows anyone to hurt you. I'm sure that if you talk to other women in his past you'll find a pattern of abuse, too. He's not with you because you understand him - he's with you because you tolerate the abuse.

Please get therapy. I did, as many of us on this post did. It helped me so much. I'm still building back my self-esteem and getting stronger every day. I tolerated a living hell for 5 years and look back and wonder who I was.

Take care,

Karen

Well I haven't left him yet, we haven't argued for about 5 days now. He hasn't hit me yet, but the next time he does I think I'm going to leave. But heres a question, I've been reading alot of posts, and all of them say to the people who live with a bipolar person, usually when the circumstances are like mine or worse or with a bit of physical abuse, the MAJORITY say to "just leave" so i mean... theres no way to work it out? whats the actual boundary. is bipolar actually an excuse to hit? or no.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: fleetwood,

Dear Heeby,

You already know what you should do but lack the resolve to do it. No one on this board could reponsibly advise you to try and work it out.

You need to terminate the relationship immediately - you know this. He will hit you again and could possibly kill you, accidently or purposely. You should also get a restraining order and call police when he breaks it (he will) until he gets message and moves on to next victim (he will).

If you take over control of this aspect of your life and how you will be treated by men and others, you will reap long term benefits in all aspects of your life. Take control of YOUR life - it is YOUR responsibility and YOUR life.

Good luck. Take care.

G

Nobody can say what's right for you. I will speak from my experience, whether it's meaningful is up to you.

There aren't many people out there who have dealt with more rage than I. It's all consuming, when it hits I actually black out and lose all contact with reality. BUT: I'm not a violent person, I don't physically abuse my wife. There seem to be people who physically abuse, and those who don't, I don't think bipolar disorder is probably the reason for the abuse. Probably a common trigger, but likely not the reason.

I have bipolar disorder and suffer significant rage, and I'm not an abuser. I have an adult son with bipolar disorder who also suffers rage so deeply nobody can comprehend, and he won't lift a finger to anyone. We're not abusers, and that's just the way it is.

Good luck to you in your relationship, and above all, take care of yourself.

i think i'm gonna leave him. i'm not the only person he hits out of anger. he hurts all those he loves. but i don't want to be one of em. i feel selfish but... i just don't picture myself committing to this much longer and the longer i wait the harder it will be. now that i think of it i've never feared any human being like i have feared him when he's angry. i don't like myself that weak. i'm afraid to do it and afraid what he will do. i'm afraid for him also. he's so emotionally dependant on me. how would i possibly break it off peacefully? anybody nkow??!! ? but thanks for ya'lls help.

Hi,

I'm curious as to whether your BP boyfriend is actually diagnosed and on meds or seeing a shrink? If he is, isn't his abuse something he can discuss with his shrink? Or maybe in a group therapy session with other abusers? Judging from his family background, he was doomed from the start, but sometimes, with a lot of work, these people can reform themselves. BUT, and this is a big BUT - they have to want to change and do the work necessary to change. He won't do it for YOU - he'll just think that you and he are a "bad combo" and think he will be perfect if he's with the right woman.

I am new on here, and don't even know if my weirdly acting boyfriend is BP or not, but I do have some experience with an abusive guy. My abusive boyfriend 10 years ago was NOT BP. So, that's why I'm wondering if your guy has been diagnosed. People can be abusive without being BP.

My abusive boyfriend didn't last long. Only 3 months. He had one "outburst" (where he did not hit me, but his face turned purple and he turned into someone else) and I told him if he ever did that again, I was gone. Well, he did it again and I was on a business trip with him in Vegas at the time. When he calmed down he blamed his outburst on the "bad vibes" in the hotel room that I caused by putting my purse on the bed. Apparently, he felt that a purse on the bed was a "bad omen". He had done all kinds of weird superstitious stuff that whole weekend, like not letting a street light or pole come between us. We had to walk the same way around it and not split on either side of pole. Weird!

I held my tongue (NEVER, EVER YELL BACK OR ESCALATE THE VIOLENT MOOD) until we flew home and he removed his car from my driveway and took his dog, that was staying at my house during the trip, with him. Then I left him a message on his home phone that I didn't think we had a good or healthy relationship and it would be best for us not to see each other anymore. He had a friend of his call me to "check the water" about 2 months later and then he called me himself about 9-10 months after I had left him the breakup phone message. He kept asking "how are you?" and I kept replying "fine". I finally asked him if he had had some therapy for his abuse problem. He replied that he didn't call me to talk about "that" and I said "then we have nothing to talk about" and I hung up and haven't heard from him since. It's been over 10 years.

I was (and still am) so insecure of my own judgement that I tracked down an ex-girlfriend of his and asked if he was ever abusive to her. She told me that they were both in therapy and that her shrink told her that if she didn't leave him, he would kill her someday!! The therapist told her that he was an O.J. Simpson waiting to happen!! Can you imagine? I am very lucky he never laid a hand on me - but it escalates - it starts out with emotional and verbal abuse and if they get away with hit, they advance to hitting. And, this guy is very successful in the entertainment industry, makes a lot of money and is cute and funny! I missed him something awful after breaking up, but I knew I was doing the right thing. I occasionally Google him and believe that he's still single. I had met him right after his wife left him and he told me that she had moved into a hotel for a week to "think" and then they were supposed to meet at their marriage counselor's office on a certain day. When the day came, the counselor told this guy that his wife had flown home (to her parents in another state, no less!) and wouldn't be back. She was so afraid of his reaction that she left town without even telling him. She even left her dog behind. Yep, that same dog that was staying at my house while we were in Vegas. They had gotten the dog together, but she was the one who took care of it. Can you imagine being so afraid for your life that you'd leave your precious dog behind that you had raised and trained from a puppy???

The reason I tell you this story is because this is how you have to leave an abusive man. No fighting, no guilt trips, no reminding them of what they did or didn't do. Just quietly tell him that you don't think the two of you have a healthy or successful relationship and leave it at that. He'll know what you mean. AND DON'T DO IT DURING OR JUST AFTER A FIGHT OR ONE OF HIS EPISODES - WAIT UNTIL A CALM TIME. And, either do it on the phone or be ready to leave quickly if you do it in person. Don't let him come to your home - go to his. And, once it is done - leave!

If he begs to come back and doesn't want the relationship to end then you must lay down the law!! If you want to try and work it out, he needs to get to a shrink and into therapy IMMEDIATELY!!! He needs to start monitoring his moods and acknowledging his "triggers".

You sound like you're very young. If you are, please realize that there are MANY other fish in the sea - why settle for this one when you haven't really gotten a taste of whatever else there may be out there for you to sample?

Good luck to you!!

This message has been edited. Last edited by: chattycathy,

ok... idk if this is right, but i haven't left him yet. i told him the other day i would rather him leave me than hit me again. he hasn't hit me since i posted this... the other day we got in a bad argument and he just left the room calmed himself down. idk... i guess i'm waiting dangling on a string for it to happen but he's really containing himself. he's on some new medication so he's more calm more often... i'm still scared, but then at the same time i'm happy that we're getting along... i hope it stays this way... but idk... is this stupid?

You must leave him. This is not something that goes away. You are not cured of this. Do yourself a favor and move on.

Good luck and get away.

Hi,
I'm new here and suffer from BP. You should not stay with any person that hits you. BP is does NOT make it ok to be violent towards other people. No one deserves to be hit no matter what!

Sorry it's been so long since I have replied I haven't had internet but thank you everybody. ***I HAVE LEFT HIM*** I actually left him Christmas night, my brother had came down to visit for the holiday and he was going back home christmas night... so i left with him without my bf knowing... he knew it was over fromearlier that day he just didn't htink i would be half way across the country for who knows how many weeks so yes now i am half way across the country. the thing is i told myself i was never going to talk to him again... well i ended up talking to him. he has a heart condition where it deteriorated to where he has too weak of a heart where it was to rely on a pace maker... well he was working on his car and got shocked to where he caused inflamation and one of the stitches may be ripped... he might have to get surgery. so i called him and he was crying to me telling me he would never hit me again and everything but i told him ... if he were to overcome that it wouldn't matter because i could never look at him the same again... and actually be happy and i needed to gain my self respect back otherwise i would never be happy even with myself so... he kept begging me he doesn't take me seriously but i decided... instead of letting him beg for hours on the phone... i'm jhust ont going to talk to him anymore. i'm just not going to answer. he's not going to know when i go home. he's not gonna know anything. at the same note i feel kind've bad... because i mean what if something were to happen to him and i wasn't there. i try to keep reminding myself that it's his fault why i'm not in his life and i have the right to have no tolerance... but it hurts me to hurt him idk!!!!!!!!!! i don't want him to hurt himself... i'm afraid he will. i just pray that he'll be strong enough to move on without me and maybe never hurt anyone again. because without that he would be amazing maybe another woman will be able to see that and never experience what i did and be able to fully love him. i woul dbe jealous but then again i'll move on too. i wish he never hit me otherwise everything would've been perfect

i guess troughout all this rambling what i'm really saying is... ok so everyone is saying it's fine that i left him... but if he keeps desperately persisting and saying he'll change it doesn't make me a bad person to not think he deserves another chance right? it doesn't make me a bad person to kick him out of my life because i will never fear anyone i love? is it wrong ifi ignore his calls and act like he never existed? especially with his health problems and dependancy on me? is it wrong

Fleetwood,

You are not wrong. You were brave to leave him. You are doing what you need to do to protect yourself. I don't think that abusive men can change on their own. There are programs for them that involve group therapy and behavior modification. And, he needs to be medicated for the BP. IF (and this is a big if) he is willing to enter one of these programs and show some type of documented progress, then perhaps you can resume your relationship at some time in the future. That is, if he hasn't found an unwitting replacement for you by then. From my limited experience with abusive boyfriends, they would rather keep finding new girlfriends who don't know about their problem then working on themselves and eliminating the problem. Like Dr. Phil says, "You can't fix what you don't acknowledge!"

If you keep running back to him every time he has some sort of health problem or threatens to hurt himself, you would be sending a "message" that his treatment of you is acceptable and, from what you have written here, it is not. You cannot allow him to manipulate you like that. This man hits you and injures you (and others) - don't be so concerned about his health and well-being,. What about YOUR health and well-being???

I have a very very similar situation to yours...roller coaster anger and guilt, happiness and sadness...violence and non-violence...horrible abusive past with parents...and on and on...

Here's the thing..
Yes, BPs have a serious illness.
Yes, getting hit is wrong and should not be tolerated. I'm not saying it should be.
Yes, a lot of BPs have anger issues and serious problems outside of their BP diagnoses...I'm not saying that's an excuse either.

In the end you have to ask yourself what is right for YOU.

You can't survive on other people's advice alone. You have to make decisions for yourself. You have to make yourself happy...
Most of the posters on here that I have seen have left their significant other because they can't continue with their lives in that fashion. Some situations are so unmanagable to where there is no other option but to leave...and some situations aren't like that. You have to find out where you feel that you fall on that scale.

He is clearly trying to control it and has sought help. That is the first major step to fighting this illness. You both need to be going to counselling or therapy so that the doctors and therapists know about every facet of what's going on. Even family sessions or group sessions can help in fighting this. Even if you are no longer dating you can help and contribute to helping him get better. That is if you're willing to do so..

In the end it boils down to this: Do you love him? Do you love him enough to help him through his hard time even if it is just as friends? Do you see him genuinely seeking help for his condition? Do you see him helping himself in his situation? Do you see a genuine effort on his part to make things better with you and himself? Are you prepared for the ups and downs, highs and lows? Do you see a real future with this guy?

If you answer yes to most or all of these questions, then you have to decide whether or not you want to be his friend/girlfriend/wife/whatever. You have to decide if it is worth it. If you really truly feel that he is worth it and that he is working hard to change things...then anything is possible. Not every case is the same and not everyone here is a doctor or therapist they are just normal people like you and me that made their decisions. That doesn't mean that their decision is right for you. It's nice to get things out to people who understand but not every situation is the same not every BP is the same even if the situations are similar. And I truly believe that if you have the will to walk away once you have the will to do it again if necessary and your BP will see that too..obviously he felt he was going to lose you so he started calming himself down more as to avoid physical confrontation and he was taking his meds that were helping in whatever small way they were.

Like I said...do what is best for you, in your heart and your mind. If that is staying away from him, then stay away. If it is to be with him, then be with him. Follow your own heart and your own mind. That's what God gave them to us for..to use them.

Good Luck...